CW: childbirth, hemorrhage (blood), body horror, all that jazz
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'Cause, baby, when your arms are around me
I'd swear that I'm holding the sun
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Mom goes into labor two weeks before they said she would. She starts dripping a bunch of clear stuff on the floor during dinner. This is good news to me because it means we get to meet Baby Sister early, but Mom and Dad turn nervous right away and quit eating and stand up.
"Shit," Dad mutters, running to pull the quilt off their bed. "Shit. Okay, well, where do you want to set up?"
"I got born there," I say, pointing. You can tell because of the rug that covers up a blood stain. Mom bled a lot when she had me and almost died. They say she'll be fine this time, though. I was just turned around in there wrong.
"Can't beat tradition," says Mom, and she's smiling, but in a wobbly way. Dad puts the quilt on the floor and asks me to get every towel we have. I pull them all out of the bin and carry them over in a huge ball. Dad layers most of them on top of the quilt and puts the last one on the floor puddle.
Mom changes out of her clothes into her bathrobe and goes to sit on the bed instead of the nest Dad made. I ask why and she says, "It's gonna be a little while before Baby is actually ready to come out. I can stay here until then. It's more comfortable."
"How long's a little while?"
"At least a few hours."
I was thinking a few minutes. "That's forever."
"It's just how it goes."
Dad puts Mom's water glass from dinner on the bedside table and fluffs her pillow, and then bends down to my height. "I have to track down Ember," he says. Ember is Mom's midwife, the same one that was there for me. "Stay here and keep an eye on Mom, okay? Try to help her out if she needs anything."
I nod and ball up my fists. I'll guard her and Baby Sister with my life.
He kisses my forehead and then Mom's. "Back soon, love."
The door closes behind him and Mom smiles at me. It's still wobbly. "You're not gonna need to fight anybody." That's a letdown. "Just sit next to me," she says.
I sit next to her. I haven't been able to sit on her lap for a while since Baby Sister is too big, but it's all right, because I'll be able to once she gets born. "Is she ready yet?" I ask.
"No, not yet." Mom gives me an important look. "Are you gonna be upset if Baby isn't a sister? We won't know until they're born, and they can always end up changing their mind."
"No," I say. "But she's a sister."
"You really think so, huh?"
"Yeah. I can tell."
Mom laughs and shakes her head. "How about you? Are you ready to be a big sister?"
"Yesssssssss!" I screech, because that's how ready I am, but she winces, so I quiet down. "Yeah. I'll teach her to walk and talk and draw and pronounce her letters. I'll take her climbing. I can show her the tire swing. We can wrestle!"
"That all sounds great," says Mom, "but you know that at first, Baby won't do much besides sleep and eat and cry. They won't be able to play right away."
"But I can hold her."
"Yes. And maybe watch them for a few minutes while me and Dad take a bath or have lunch. Can you do that?"
"Yeah. And I'll sing her lullabies and tell her stories."
"You're going to be such a big help," Mom says. I'm so happy, I might die. "I appreciate that you—"
She stops talking to gasp and lean forward like she got stabbed. Her teeth clench.
"Mom?" I scoot closer. "What's wrong? Are you okay? Mom?"
"I'm all right, Violet." She talks fast while breathing in, then breathes out really hard, breathes in again, and sits back against the wall. "I'm all right."
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing's wrong." She has her eyes closed and floats her hand around until she finds my knee. "That was a contraction. It's something my body has to do so Baby can be born. There will be more."
I don't want there to be more. "It hurts?"
"Yes, but it's supposed to happen. It means I'm on the right track."
I pull her hand off my knee and put her water glass in it. She takes a drink, hands it back, and gives me another wobbly smile. "You're a good caretaker, aren't you? I can't wait to see you with Baby."
I nod. "I'm never gonna have my own baby, though. I don't want to have contortions."
She laughs. "Contractions. And you don't have to have a baby if you don't want to."
"All I want is Baby Sister."
"Would you mind grabbing my knitting for me from the table?" she says. I run and get it. Me and her and Dad have made a lot of Baby Sister's clothes. Mom's the best at it, and I can only do these tube things that they say will work as arm and leg warmers. I did a blanket too. Babies are cold-blooded if I remember correctly.
Even though Mom said I won't be fighting, I practice my moves next to the bed. My right hook is getting good. At least I think it is— I never get an opponent to practice with because I'm too small and people think they'll hurt me. Dad says it'll be different in a couple years.
Mom gets another contraction and drops her knitting needles. One rolls so I catch it. "Thank you," she says. She's talking while breathing in again, and I don't like it. "Violet— can you see if I'm bleeding? Can you check for Mom?"
My heart jumps. I go around to the foot of the bed, but I don't see anything. "You're not. It's just Baby Sister juice."
Mom bursts out laughing. "It's what?"
"That stuff you dripped on the floor. That you said she used to swim in."
"Ah. Amniotic fluid, you mean."
"Baby Sister juice."
"Sure. Here, bring one of those towels over and sit back down."
I take one off the nest. When she gets back to her knitting, I sit close and watch her, tugging a loose thread from around the bottom of my dress and trying not to blink. She notices after a second.
"I'm fine," she says. "You can keep practicing."
I keep practicing, but she gets two more contractions and I have to get back on the bed for both of them to protect her, and after the second one, I just stay up there. She takes out my braid and redoes it so I take out her braid and redo it too and put my hands on her belly so I can feel Baby Sister's feet kicking.
Dad gets back with Ember after the sun goes down. Ember has very pale, smooth skin like stone and fire-colored hair, and I'm gonna marry her when I'm old enough. Dad speed-walks at us and I get up to meet him halfway.
"She had contortions," I say, pointing at Mom.
"How many?" Ember asks.
"Four," Mom says. "Not bad ones."
"They were bad," I say.
Dad takes me back to the bed by my hand. "You okay, Calla?"
"Yes. Violet took good care of me."
Dad lifts me up and kisses my forehead. "Great job."
"I got her knitting needle when she dropped it."
"I'm sure that was helpful. You're a lot more agile than her right now."
Ember has a huge bag that she puts down by the nest, but she brings a few things from it over to put them on the bedside table. Dad carries me to the other side of the room.
"Is Baby Sister getting born now?" I ask.
"Not yet," he says. "It's gonna be a few hours."
Ember is talking to Mom in a quiet voice about medicine. Mom looks stressed out.
"It's about time for you to get in bed, anyway," Dad says. "How about I bring you next door to the ginger twins?"
"No! I have to be here when she gets born."
"I can bring you back over at that point. You should sleep in the meantime."
I wiggle until he sets me down. "I don't need to sleep."
"Baby might not be born until morning. You want to stay up all night?"
"Uh-huh."
He sighs. "You're gonna have to keep yourself entertained, then. Me and Ember will be busy caring for Mom."
"I can care for Mom."
"How about you go lay down next to her to keep her company?"
I run over and do it. Ember sticks a syringe in Mom's shoulder and gives her something in a drink, which she says is to help with the pain. Dad starts cleaning up the dinner we didn't finish. All the grown-ups talk about the new digging spot in the mine that Dad's getting moved to next month.
The big light is off and only the little yellow lanterns are on. Once my eyelids start falling, I realize that they're trying to trick me into going to sleep, and I jump to my feet and go to my coloring corner instead. "What're you up to?" Dad asks.
"Making pictures. Then Baby Sister will have pictures when she gets born."
"That's very sweet," Mom says.
I make twenty-two pictures and stick them up on the walls, trying to ignore when Mom has more contractions— they make her cry out and squirm, and Dad and Ember murmuring to her doesn't help. They still say it's supposed to happen, but I hate it. I never saw Mom get hurt before this. I fall down a lot, but I never make sounds like that.
"If you don't want to listen, you can go next door," Dad says.
"No. I'm not scared."
I only stop coloring because the pink crayon that's my favorite gets too short. Dad says to lay on the bed again, except I'm not buying that one twice, so I look at books instead. Ember says I should read out loud to keep Mom's mind off her contractions. The only words I can read by myself are "Violet," "Mom," "Dad," "Baby Sister," "and," "the," "me," "you," "a," and "I," but I still can do it, because I have all my books memorized.
There's only five though, and when they're all done with, Mom says to do my knitting. I finish a whole new tube, a short wide one that can be a scarf.
"Ready for bed yet?" Dad asks. It's after midnight. "You look sleepy."
"I'm not sleepy." I stand up and practice my fighting until he says it's better if I be quiet and sit still. Then I wait until he's busy washing Baby Sister juice off towels at the water pump and Mom and Ember are busy with Mom's contraction and then I go to the nest to look in Ember's bag.
There's a ton of good stuff in there. There's vials of medicine and a lot of pointy stuff. My favorite is the giant pointy scissors. I take them out and sneak outside with them to the roof.
Mom and Dad said we're gonna get a picture taken with Baby Sister a few days after she gets born. We have a picture from after I got born and another from when I was one-and-a-half, but I don't remember how I felt about either of them, so I haven't known exactly what to do about this one, but I know I have to do something. Mom made me a new dress with a thing Topsiders wear under their dresses called a "petticoat" that makes the skirt fluffy and she's gonna style my hair with matching ribbons. I told her that was good, but it's not. It just really isn't.
I've never been outside at this time of night. There's people out, only less of them, and it's colder than during the day. Ember's scissors are heavy and too big for my hands, but I'm very strong, so it doesn't matter. I put them in my right hand and use my left hand to find the start of my braid— it's long now, almost to the middle of my back, and sometimes I start paying attention to its weight and it feels icky and I can't ignore it again until I accidentally get distracted. It's just that that's how it's always been. But maybe Baby Sister can be the long-haired one now instead.
I start chopping and get a shivery feeling that makes me smile at nobody. It's harder than I thought, so I have to keep chopping for a while. The scissors hurt my fingers. But then my braid thumps down on the roof behind me and I grab it and stare at it and a breeze comes through the hair that's in my head still and I laugh. Suddenly I can't really imagine that it was ever stuck to me in the first place. It didn't belong there.
I could hear Mom's voice from up here, a lot quieter and muffled, but now I hear Dad's voice, sharp and scared. Mom's gets sharp and scared too. I hear "Violet" and the door slams open and then "Violet? Where are you?"
I stick Ember's scissors and the braid in my belt and climb down to the ground. My arm gets caught and then I'm on Dad's hip. "Violet!" he says. "You can't just disappear like that. Why would— whoa. Damn."
He's looking at my hair. I look at him, staying quiet.
"How'd you do that?" he asks. I pull the scissors out of my belt. "My God— did you take these from Ember's bag?" He grabs them. "You could've hurt yourself. What'd you do with the rest of your hair?"
I pull the braid out of my belt too. He takes it more carefully and stares at it the way I did.
"This isn't a good game to play," he says. "It's gonna take forever to grow it back out. I understand that you're bored— that's why you should go to bed."
"I wasn't playing," I say. "I meant to."
"You meant to? You wanted all this hair cut off?"
I nod.
After a second, he smiles. "It's a great look for you. Don't sneak out for it next time. We would've done it for you if you asked."
"Oh."
Mom whimpers behind us. I point and Dad brings me back in and puts me on the bed. Mom and Ember both sigh.
"Don't scare me like that," Mom says. Ember takes her scissors from Dad and I get nervous for a second that she'll get me in trouble, but she just nods at me and goes back to checking Mom's "dilation." "Cool haircut, though."
"I can't wear that dress for the picture," I say. I hope it doesn't hurt her feelings, because she worked hard making it.
"What do you mean, you 'can't'? You don't want to?"
I try to find good words. "I don't want to because I can't."
She reaches out to put her fingers through my hair. "All right. Wear what you feel comfortable in. I can find someone to give it to."
"Still at five centimeters," Ember says.
"What's that mean?" I ask.
"Just that Baby's not ready yet," says Mom. "Go to sleep."
"I'm not sleepy," I say, and then I'm opening my right eye from the pillow because Mom's yelling and the big light is on and it's been four and a half hours. Dad and Ember are by her, helping her stand. There's a pot of water over the fire.
I sit up, wide awake. "Mom?"
Dad gives me a grin over his shoulder that looks terrified. "C'mon, Big Sister. It's time."
They bring Mom to the nest and I scurry after them. I'm so excited, I have to bounce. I remember my hair when it bounces too and I've never been happier in my whole entire life.
Mom's face and chest are red and damp, and she clings to Dad's hand when they get her laying down. Ember gets the pot off the fire and washes her hands at the water pump and fills another bowl and puts it down with the pot by Mom's feet. She has a cushion that she kneels on. She puts on gloves from a box.
"Are you okay?" I ask Mom.
"Fine," she hisses, and grabs my hand too. I think she's having a contraction. They were getting faster and faster before I fell asleep.
"You're gonna push with the next one," Ember says. "Sound good?"
"Uh-huh."
"Knees up a little more."
Mom breathes in through her teeth. Dad sits next to her and smooths loose pieces of her hair off her forehead. She relaxes after a minute and looks at me. "Let us know if you want to leave," she says. "It might get scary."
"I'm not scared."
"I am."
I make my free hand into a fist.
"You're still not fighting anyone. Just stay here with me."
I look at Ember, who's taking her tools out of the boiled water and putting them in the not-boiled water. "I want to watch."
"Ah, no," Dad says. "You don't want to see that."
"Is it gross?"
"Yup," Mom says.
"Then I'm watching."
Mom shrugs. Dad sighs. "Is it okay if she's back there, Ember?"
"Sure," says Ember, glancing at me. "But you need to wash your hands and move if I tell you to."
I run to the water pump and get back in time for Mom's next contraction. Ember shows me where to sit.
"All right, Mom," she says. "You ready?"
"As I'll ever be," Mom mutters.
"Go for it."
Mom yells. There's no Baby Sister, just Baby Sister juice.
"This is disgusting!" I say, thrilled. Mom laughs and then whimpers.
"Keep going," Ember says. "Follow the rhythm your body asks for."
Dad's murmuring something, but I can't make it out over Mom's yelling. I lean over to look around her legs and see him kiss her forehead and her hand.
"How long till Baby Sister?" I ask Ember.
"Shouldn't be more than an hour," she says. "Last one, Mom."
This time it's not Baby Sister juice, or maybe it is, but now it's pinkish. I wonder if it's blood. Ember doesn't look worried when she cleans it up.
Mom unbends her knees a little and breathes out for a long time. I stand up to see her and she's all sweaty but she smiles at me.
"You okay down there?" Dad asks.
"Yeah. Keep going, Mom."
All of them snort at that. "She's only gonna push during her contractions," Dad says.
"Why?"
"She'll get tired out too fast otherwise," says Ember. "She has to take breaks."
I pace around impatiently until the next contraction. This time the pinkish stuff is reddish instead. Ember doesn't say anything, so I don't either, until Mom tries again and there's more red.
"Is that blood?" I ask. Mom's toes curl up like they do when she's pushing, but her contraction is done with.
"A normal amount," Ember says. "Nothing to worry about."
Mom's toes uncurl. I lean around again and see Dad behind her now, one of her pillows on his lap and her head on there. "Doing good, love," he says.
"Shit," she says, out of breath. "Shit."
"How are you feeling?" Ember asks.
"Like shit."
"Shittier than before?"
"No. Come up here, Violet."
I come up, squeeze her hand, and run back. Ember asks if I'm still sure I want to watch. I say yes.
There's more blood when Mom starts pushing again, and then something blue.
"The baby's crowning," Ember says over Mom's yell. Mom and Dad both yell again, but this time it's happy. "See that?" Ember says to me quieter. "That's their head."
"Why's she blue?" I ask. Mom gasps and I see Dad's hand land on the floor like he's gonna use it to stand.
"Her hair's blue," Ember says very fast. "Just the hair."
Dad's hand picks back up.
I don't know what that was about, but Ember says, "Last one," and Mom pushes again, and a huge ton of blood comes out around Baby Sister.
"Mom," I say.
Ember frowns. "There's some bleeding, Calla. We're gonna rest through the next contraction."
"Shit," Mom says.
"How much bleeding?" Dad asks.
"More than there should be. Not dangerous now." Ember wipes some of the blood off Mom's legs and Baby Sister's hair. "Lift up your hips for a second, okay?" she says, and when Mom does it, she takes the towel under her so she can lay on a less bloody one. I go back up to squish Mom's hand during her next contraction and go back down for the one after that.
Baby Sister comes out more with even more blood. I look at Ember and she nods at me and tells Mom "Last one" even though this will only be her second push this round. Another wave of blood and then there's screaming that's not Mom's and Ember's holding Baby Sister.
"You did it," she says, laughing, and Mom and Dad start whooping like it's a ball game at a block party and all I can do is gawk and then there's more blood. A lot more blood. I've never seen that much blood in one place in my life.
"Arms," Ember says to me, so I hold my arms out, confused, and she puts Baby Sister in them. I stop breathing. Baby Sister stops screaming right away and Mom and Dad stop whooping and start chattering like they're afraid and Ember says, "The baby's fine. Violet's got her. I need you to push a couple more times now to get the placenta out."
"Is she still bleeding?" Dad asks.
"Yes. It's under control. Just relax and focus on pushing, Calla."
Mom screams and I smell blood but it's like everything is in a different room far away except for me and Baby Sister. I stare at her. She stares at me. Her eyes are round and blue. She's covered in slime. She's nice and fat, like a good chicken. Or a nice big bug. She's warm.
"I love you," I say. "I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love—"
Ember says something blurrily that makes Mom and Dad sigh, and they're all back in the room, so I look up to see a gooey red round thing on Mom's towel and more blood. Maybe I'll ask if I can keep the thing.
"You're all done," Ember says. She's going through her bag and pulling stuff out. Her voice is very calm. "I'm gonna have you stay here while I take care of the bleeding. You too, Ceres. Stay with her."
"Where's the baby?" Mom asks. She's crying. "Where's Violet?"
"Both right here with me," Ember says. "Say hi to your mom, Violet."
"Hi, Mom," I say. I can't really make sense of what Ember's doing and all of a sudden I don't want to be watching this anymore. I'd walk away except Baby Sister's stuck to the gooey thing by her umbilical cord. I close my eyes and hold her tight instead.
"You're doing good, my love," Dad says. "The baby's good. Violet's good."
"It hurts." I've never heard Mom sound like that. "Ember..."
"I'm taking care of it," Ember says. "Just relax."
I peek at her with one eye and make sure not to look down enough to see the blood. "Is Mom gonna die?" I ask.
Ember only glances at me, but her voice is intense. "She's got two little girls to take care of. She's not going anywhere."
I close my eyes again. I don't know how much time passes. I focus on Dad's soft voice and the feeling of Baby Sister being in my arms and being real and being my baby sister. I'm a big sister and I have a baby sister. I will always have a baby sister forever and ever and ever.
Then Ember quietly says my name and Mom's also quiet and so is Dad. I open my eyes. Ember smiles.
"Mom?" I say.
"Here." Her voice sounds delicate.
"The bleeding's slowing down," Ember says. "She'll be okay. Can I have the baby for a second?"
"No," I say.
"Then you're gonna have to help me clean her up."
I would've done that anyway. We get the slime off and dress her, including the blanket I knitted and a tube for her neck and each limb. Before we wrap the blanket, Ember puts a clamp on the cord and helps me hold Baby Sister so I can be the one to cut it. Baby Sister watches me the whole time and doesn't cry at all. I do though.
"Violet?" Dad says. "What's the matter?"
I pick her back up and smush her. "I love her so much. I love her. I'm gonna die. Mom..."
"C'mere," she says. "Let us have a look."
I stumble up there without really seeing where I'm going. Mom is still on Dad's lap and I flop down next to them. I feel Baby Sister turn her head a little so her face is against me and I can feel her nose, it's tiny, it's her nose, I can't—
"Aw, Violet," Mom says. I'm sobbing so hard I almost don't hear. "What a sweet sister you are."
"Mom. I love her."
Dad puts his arm around me, kind of under my arms so he can take Baby Sister's weight while I balance her. He leans down and kisses my head. "She's so lucky to get to grow up with you."
"I don't want her to grow up! I want her to be a baby!"
"She's still a baby. Don't worry. She'll be a baby for a while yet. And she'll always be a baby compared to you."
I smush her worse. "I love her. Dad. I love her. I'll protect her. I'm gonna punch everybody—"
"See, this is why we told you you needed some sleep," Mom says.
"No! I need Baby Sister."
"Well, you've got her. You've got her right there."
I turn to wipe my face on Dad's shirt. "I love her."
We sit around like that for a while. Ember switches off the big light. I keep crying until Baby Sister starts crying, and then I shut up right away. "What's her problem?" I demand, readjusting my grip so she's triple smushed. I feel the shape of her foot through her blanket so I squeeze that too. It doesn't calm her down.
"She's probably hungry," says Ember, who I think has been cleaning or something. "Let's have Mom try to nurse her."
Dad switches positions so Mom is sitting up against his chest. She looks pale but smiles when she reaches toward me. "Can I have the baby?"
"No," I say. "I'll nurse her."
I hear Ember giggle behind me. "You can't do that," Mom says.
"Why not?"
"You can't make milk."
"Yes I can. I'm strong."
"You're five years old and haven't been pregnant. It's impossible, no matter how strong you are."
"You can have her back later," Dad says.
I scowl and hand her over and feel the opposite of how I felt when I chopped my braid: like something that's supposed to be part of me is missing. Mom unwraps Baby Sister's blanket because they need "skin-to-skin" according to Ember. I could've done skin-to-skin. Me and Ember both sit on one side of Mom and I wait until they get Baby Sister to latch and then I put my hand on her back, my fingers spread all the way out so I can touch as much of her as I can.
"Does that hurt?" I ask Mom.
"A little."
"Wow."
Ember goes back to washing towels at the water pump. Me and Mom and Dad stare at Baby Sister.
"I told you she was a sister," I say. They laugh.
"She's so pretty," Mom says. "Look at all this blue hair. Powder blue. I didn't expect that."
"Should that be her name?" Dad says. "'Blue'?"
"'Powder,'" I say.
They give me uncertain looks.
"Like powdered sugar doughnuts." That's what we had on my last birthday.
They turn to each other, shrug, and smile.
"Okay," Mom says. "Powder it is." She rubs Baby Sister's hair. "Nice to meet you, Powder."
When she's done nursing, she lays down on Mom's chest and her cheek is so round that it squishes in a circle. I have to focus very hard to not snatch her.
The sun rises. Ember gives Dad Powder's birth certificate and has Mom put her knees up again and sticks a needle in her and says her bleeding is down to normal. "But you're at a fair risk of infection," she says. "I'm giving you an antibiotic." She holds up a jar and an eye dropper and puts them on our shelf. "Two droppers full every morning until it's gone."
"Got it."
"I'm gonna be back this evening to reexamine you. Get me earlier if you start feeling faint or sick." She comes over to touch Powder. "And congratulations on this one."
"She's my baby sister," I say.
"She is. Enjoy it. She sure will."
I'm gonna die again.
"Here," Ember says. "Hold her while we get Mom in bed."
They put Powder back in my arms. She was asleep before, but now she opens her eyes and fixes them on mine. They're so big.
"I love you," I say. I heard babies hold fingers, so I put my first finger against her palm, and she holds it. Her hand is so fat. I squeak.
"Violet," Mom says. She's on their bed now on a pile of towels and she's really beautiful and I love her too, and I love Dad, and I love Powder, and I'm crying again. "Tired yet?"
I nod. "Can Powder share my bed?"
"She's too small yet. But we can put her right next to you."
Dad gets the bassinet that was mine and then they traded it and then they got it traded back to them when Mom got pregnant. He puts it against my bed so I'll be able to reach her whenever I want without getting up. We all say bye to Ember, and Dad convinces me to wrap Powder back up in her blanket and put her down in the bassinet. He tucks me in after.
"Sing the lullaby, Mom," I say, but when I look back, she's fast asleep. "Mom."
"Best not to wake her up," Dad says. "She needs to rest after all the work she did."
"Then you have to sing the lullaby."
He shuts the curtains. "I can," he says. "But do you think maybe you want to sing it? For your sister?"
I sit back up, wiping my eyes. "Yeah."
He turns off the lanterns and gets in bed next to Mom, and I put my hands on the side of the bassinet and look at Powder. My baby sister. My baby sister.
"I promise," I say. I don't know what I'm promising. Just everything, forever.
Then I teach her the lullaby:
Dear friend across the river
My hands are cold and bare
Dear friend across the river
I'll take what you can spare
I ask of you a penny
My fortune, it will be
I ask you without envy
We raise no mighty towers
Our homes are built of stone
So come across the river
And find the world below
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Intro lyrics from "j's lullaby (darlin' i'd wait for you)" by Delaney Bailey.
Brothers, I am infatuated with the girls and their early years. I love the idea that Vi was absolutely smitten with Powder from before the beginning. I'm so. I'm. babies
header art by @/sarahsclownart on twitter!!