Chapter 36
PARK SOOHYUN
In the drowsy cold of the first two hours of the night shift, I was sitting inside one of the coffee shops at the hospital, which countered the whole betterment thing I was initially going for: cutting down on caffeine. My fingers had been kind of shaky only fifteen minutes in, and I was feeling jittery all over. It always worked. Trying to stay awake and running through the entire time I needed to cover went along with cups of coffee I swore to get easy on.
I was considering calling Jungkook, all the while debating against it. I was always considering ringing up his phone, seeing him, hearing him talk, and it wouldn't hit me until after I'd done any of that. These days that he hadn't been around, it strangely unearthed a sense of fear – kinda dramatic, if you'd ask me– and an irrational consciousness of missing him a lot more than usual. It was stupid, but it wasn't something that I could just overlook. I had probably been spending too much time with him. I needed to work on that; do something else without him.
But maybe it was just the caffeine talking again.
We weren't spending too much time around each other, though. Just the casual phone calls, running into some hallways a few times in the midst of bustling activities, and after-hours eating. I loved doing those things. And I probably had to put a fraction of my focus into something else now that whenever we would part ways or Jungkook would leave and then I'd start feeling just a little empty or wistful afterwards. It wasn't nice. Jungkook would smile if I told him I was kind of missing him all the time but I was also hyper-aware that deep inside, I didn't want to be constantly grasping onto him, onto the emotion.
Putting the negativity aside, I was thinking that perhaps it was normal to feel that way when you're in a relationship where you care so much. You don't want to lose sight of that person. They bring out your vulnerable side.
But.
It still wasn't a nice feeling.
So, there I was, contemplating on my own, castigating myself that I didn't need to call Jungkook that night and maybe it would be best for me to just let my thoughts simmer down in my chest, or let them fade into oblivion. I put my phone flat down on the table, curled my fingers around the cup of warm coffee, and pulled the coat closer to me. I really needed to consume less coffee.
I flinched when I felt a pat on my shoulder. Looking at the owner of the hand, I forced myself to smile.
"Hey," she said.
"Hi."
"You don't mind me joining you here, right?"
I shook my head, still sporting a polite smile, hiding the fact that I was almost squirming in my seat and couldn't wait to get out of there. I didn't even know why I wanted to walk away from her. Jiwon seemed like a really nice person.
She sat across from me and set down her cup of coffee. "It's weird seeing you alone. You're always with your boys."
I let out a light chuckle. "We're not always together." But it made me wonder if the three of us made such a quick impression.
"Yeah, Taehyung passed out in the staff room with two others. He'll get off his shift in an hour."
"Ah... You don't have anything to do?"
"Slow hour. Jungkook, he's out for a conference?"
"Yes. It's been four days."
Jiwon chuckled. "You're keeping track?"
I laughed at how weird it sounded, the way it might've come off pathetic. "Uh, no."
"Jungkook likes to go for shiny things, doesn't he?"
I furrowed my brows, feeling my smile fade. "What do you mean?"
She grinned. "You know what I'm talking about." She raised the cup to her lips and took a careful sip. "Then he leaves when he thinks they're not worth his time. Could you tell him to unblock my number? I'd really appreciate that."
The bitterness began to resurface, swimming in my stomach. "If he blocked you then there must've been a reason."
"You think so?"
"What do you want from him?"
I hated how she could effortlessly wear a smile and get away with it. "Look, I know the two of you have been dating. Good for you, I guess. You must have been waiting for that half of your life... And don't look too innocent, it doesn't suit you. I'm sure that both of you talk shit and laugh about me."
"Keep telling yourself that. Jungkook never mentioned anything about what went on between you two. And just how egoistic of you to assume that we'd be spending our time together by talking about you."
A cool shrug of her shoulders, an amused lift of an eyebrow. "Well, at least I wasn't a homewrecker. That's going to be attached to your name for a long time."
"I haven't cared in such a long time, too," I said.
"You're such a pretty shitty actress, aren't you? Just like your boy."
"Whatever he did, I'm sure he didn't feel nice about it."
Jiwon snickered like I said something funny and offensive. "Ah, I'm sure. Quite the nice guy, isn't he? Since he's been avoiding me, could you tell him that I still don't feel good about him suddenly breaking off things with me so he's not getting rid of me just yet?"
I tightened my grasp around the cup. "I'm asking you very nicely, he's been having a hard time and I hope you'll be considerate enough to cut him some slack."
Jiwon scowled, suddenly looking infuriated, getting more expressive. "He wanted to use me just so he could advance his career. Didn't he tell you that? Or the part where he led me on."
"I don't know the entire story but it's over."
"And could you also tell him that he's not the only person who's having a shitty time. Sure, he feels like shit. I bet he always felt that way. That's why he wanted to make it big because he always knew he wasn't good enough."
You don't fucking know him, I wanted to scream into her face, as I kept my hands still. How high are the chances of getting suspended due to unethical behavior?
"I don't get why you're wasting your time being angry with this," I said with patience in my tone.
"You don't know what it feels like," she shot back snarkily.
"I probably don't, but this doesn't make sense."
"I'm not taking advice from someone who also chased after a guy like a dog begging for his attention. Giving me a holier-than-thou attitude now that you got the guy isn't saving your face." She took another sip of her coffee and got up on her feet, preparing to leave, throwing a smile in my direction. "It was nice talking to you, Soohyun. See you around, okay?"
. . .
"Jungkook sent me a picture of Kim Mingyu. He's so hot now. That guy. I didn't expect he'd specialize in orthopedics, too."
"How hot are we talking about?" I asked Taehyung.
"The I'd-let-you-headlock-me-for-free type of hot. Muscles grew into his body. All muscles. But not the weird muscle-y? I don't know. But man, he's still got one of the gorgeous faces. And he was kicking ass in Neurology before. That class is a sin against the universe."
"You are one of those who have that gorgeous face, though."
"Aww, that's sweet. Yeah, I like that. Keep them coming my way, love me some compliments."
We were hanging out in one of the hospital backrooms during our work breaks that surprisingly matched together. Taehyung's hair was matted to the sides of his forehead despite the cold, coming straight from a three-hour operation. His hands were a little shaky as he hadn't eaten in long hours, and I was feeling so bad watching him struggle to finish his food. He held out his sandwich to offer me a bite, but I shook my head.
I squinted my eyes, smiling. "Killer set of eyes. Killer smile. Killer face."
Taehyung made a casual shrug, his grin lopsided. "Come on, not a big deal."
"You also look like someone who likes feet."
He snorted, his eyes widening and staring at me incredulously. "Nah, I'm not like that."
"Like what?"
"Not into that at all. But I don't have anything against those who have the fetish. You do you, I guess. Just leave me out of it." His face scrunched up. "Like what if they stink? That's kinda off-putting. Not kink shaming, you know? Just curious."
"Well, I'm sure they want it clean first, well-cared for. Who would put someone's nasty foot in their mouth?"
He immediately ducked and leaned close over his bent knees, whispering, "Fuck, you like feet?"
I tipped back, feeling my face all contorted. "No. I was just saying."
He coughed through his food. "Yeah, that's nasty. I'm not into learning the ethos of feet eroticism. I can't even imagine myself putting a foot in my mouth. But who knows. I'd do it if I got paid."
My laugh came out loud. "Ah, so you would do it."
"If money had to be involved. Would you be down for money, too?"
"The bigger question is how much?"
Taehyung bursted out laughing. "Freaky."
Slipping into comfortable silence, I rested my head against the wall behind me.
The background noise and toned down equipment sounds were humming, the flicker of lights buzzing a few times. Nobody else was there, except the occasional visits of other staff, the lull of calmness between Taehyung and I.
My phone screen caught my attention.
Jungkook
Babe?
I was just wondering why you wouldn't pick up my calls for the last two days?
Anyway you're probably busy but could you text when you get a chance? I've just been worried.
didn't feel like answering i'm sorry
Oh okay no worries
The device was quiet for the next five minutes, until he texted again, couldn't help himself but to: Did I do something that upset you?
And another: Can I call?
Jungkook
Everything's okay!
I've just been missing you.
So that explains why you didn't feel like talking to me?
You're cute.
I'm lost??
Getting off my phone now. Have to discuss stuff with a senior.
It wasn't a lie. I'd been missing him so much that I needed to give myself a break and be cool with it. How common was it to find someone missing their partner even when it was just a few days of not seeing each other? I'd be one of the statistics.
And it was just funny. So stupid. I needed Jimin to laugh about it so I could snap out of the feeling.
. . .
Around eight in the Saturday evening, Jungkook had called to inform me he was back in Seoul and he wanted to drive straight to my place, and I agreed, waiting for him to arrive in all his glory.
Jungkook rushed to step in as soon as I opened the door, and I could see his body trembling a little underneath his coat. He immediately glanced around my place, his cheeks flushed, amusement dancing in his eyes. "This looks cool. Cozy," he said after a couple of minutes' worth of observation. It was his first time coming to my apartment.
"Thanks."
"Didn't know you're into this." Jungkook gestured around the corner, giving a little nod. A bunch of tiny potted plants in the corner that I would keep on the windowsills even under the winter sun were lining the walls, creating a sense of comfort.
I glanced down at them and smiled. "Not really. Just like having them here."
It was a little hobby I picked up from Namjoon. I hadn't realized the pastime transferred to me until I started researching on plants that would grow just fine and withstand the harsh winters inside my house, then I'd find myself looking through cute designed pots on the internet.
"They look nice. I'd like succulents in my place, too," he commented, shrugging off his coat. He was wearing a black suit and there was something cool about the way he was standing with it on, the thick material hugging his body perfectly. He began to unbutton the suit jacket before taking it off and placing it down over the armrest of my couch. His tie was already hanging loose, his dress shirt a bit wrinkled at the collar.
"You should try growing them. Get them in varying colors then arrange them in those beautiful containers and planter pots. Namjoon had them and they're mesmerizing." I quickly turned away after realizing the daunting implication of the last sentence. I wasn't careful. I parted my lips, then pressed them together again. I glanced from the floor to look at Jungkook, hoping he wasn't bothered about it.
He raised an eyebrow. "He likes these things, too?"
"Uh, yeah. Said they're therapeutic."
"Was it true?"
"In some ways, yes," I trailed off.
"That's nice." Jungkook smiled, seemingly a sincere one. "Babe, it's alright. Not a big deal."
I watched him plop himself onto the sofa, practically melting into the cushions.
"Have you had dinner?"
"Stopped by a barbecue house on my way back," he answered as I drew near and reached over, taking up the space next to him on the couch and wrapping my arms around his waist. "Whoa, easy there, I don't smell nice. I'm greasy." An easy laughter escaped his mouth as the vibration of it in his chest could be felt, lifting an arm to touch my shoulder. He was angling away just as I inched closer, smoothing a hand over his side. "Fine, a hug is okay. Just don't—" I nuzzled into the crook of his neck, resting my cheek against the warmth of his skin. This close, he sort of really smelled of barbeque and grease but still a nice scent. Very Jungkook. He sighed in defeat then laughed. "I should have showered at least before coming here."
"This is comfortable," I mumbled.
Jungkook pulled me close. "Yeah. This is comfortable."
We talked about how our day went. We laughed about the stupid things with his one hand around my wrist, drawing gentle circles on it with the pad of his thumb. We stayed there for quite a long time and an hour later, Jungkook was spread out across my lap while I sat and leaned comfortably against the backrest, sinking into the seat. I was carding my fingers through Jungkook's hair that felt a little dry in the winter, and he would close his eyes to every touch with eyelashes fluttering, his arms crossed across his chest. He was glowing in the warm yellow light of the lampshade I had on in the tiny living room, dimly reflecting off his hair.
I was rubbing his back over the next ten minutes as he lifted his upper body onto his elbows. Then, he turned over, his expression almost sheepish when he said, "Could you scratch on the lower left? Kinda itchy."
"Here?"
"Exactly, yes, thank you." He deflated in my lap again, looking even more comfortable, the way his chest was making a peaceful rise and fall, his eyes shut.
I asked him, "Do you still keep in touch with Nam Jiwon?" I had a sudden flashback of the conversation which left me feeling immensely irked. I wished I could've said more things that would convince her to leave Jungkook alone, but I also had a suspicion that she wasn't one to talk around.
Jungkook quickly stirred in his position, raising his head and meeting my gaze with curiosity in his eyes. "Is she bothering you?"
I brushed my fingertips over his jawline. "No. Just wanna know."
"I've been trying to avoid her. Blocked her number. But it gets a little difficult to completely avoid her when she keeps wanting to talk and it doesn't help that I'm in the same department as Jiwon."
I nodded, concerned about how he was dealing with it. "But, you can manage, right?"
"Yeah. Don't worry."
"How did you get involved with her?" I bothered to ask.
"We were never exclusive."
"I know. But I was curious how it started."
Jungkook said self-deprecatingly, "It's stupid. Just me being shitty."
"But well, totally cool if you don't want to tell me."
"I don't talk to her anymore."
"I believe in you. I was just curious, is all."
"Her dad."
"What about him?"
"Jiwon never tells anyone. But her dad, Doctor Nam Jungho—"
My lips parted. "Really—"
"Yeah, the hospital's Chief Medical Officer. She's got really big connections, but she manages to keep quiet about it unless somebody asks her. And do you remember Im Junseo, CFO's son?"
"The arrogant senior in your team," I replied.
"It turns out they're cousins."
"Fuck them," I said gruffly.
Jungkook barked out a laugh and I leaned down to plant a kiss on his forehead. The light was shimmering off his eyes, watery. With a lazy smile, he raised his hands and reached for my face to pull me down and give me a kiss on the nose. "I've missed you."
Rolling my eyes, I said, "You were away for just a week."
"You're one to talk." He sighed and looked away from me, his face getting serious again, thinking hard. "I regret what I did. Can't deny that in a way, I took advantage of it so I broke it off before I could hurt her more because I knew she likes me. Besides, I don't need that connection anymore."
It was there again, the strained yanking in my chest. "So you're actually considering it."
"I'll take care of that later. We still have a few months before we complete residency."
I was running my hand through his hair again, liking the feel of it between my fingers. "We should go somewhere when we get some time off. Like, abroad."
He raised an eyebrow. "Where do you want to go?"
"I've heard Europe's great."
"I need to save up for that. Too expensive."
"Right. We should put off that plan for a little longer."
He bent his knees up. "I've been to France once with my family. Only visited Paris, Lyon, and Versailles, though. I was in high school then. Eiffel Tower was honestly underwhelming. I couldn't get what the buzz was all about, but maybe I wasn't just so sentimental that time. I took it for granted and headed back to the hotel room after that. But, Switzerland is a real stunner. My mom wanted to live there." He looked so big yet so tender on my couch, the soft yellow light casting over the valleys of his face.
"Would you want to live there, too?"
"I'm not sure," he said, adjusting his position.
"Yeah?"
"Don't know where I'd want to be."
I swept his bangs away from his eyebrows. "I'm good here. Maybe I would want to move to the countryside. Or be a cruise ship doctor."
Jungkook chuckled. "Cruise ship doctor? You'd be out on sea many times. Six months on board, I think. If that's the case I wouldn't be able to see you for a long time."
"If we're still together."
His lips curved into a gentle smile. "If we're still together." Jungkook poked my side. "Why'd you have to hit me like this?"
"You can never be sure, right? In this life," I said, trying to be too casual, because hypotheticals are sometimes good to talk about. They make the future less daunting, less surprising.
"Yeah, tell me about it. But we'll still be together by then, I'm certain."
I smiled, loving the idea, hoping it would happen, also pretty certain of it. "Really?"
"We'll make sure. You become a cruise ship doctor while I wait for your return and live by the ocean."
I laughed, the silliness of things weaving an eccentric delight around my heart. I indulged him. "And what are you going to do while you wait?"
"Get all emotional about it as we do Facetime calls." He huffed out a cheeky laugh. "And hope that you're safe."
. . .
"Seriously." Jungkook's mouth set in a firm line as he watched me from the stool where he was seated as I was scooping some ice cream into a tiny bowl. "It's already freezing."
I leaned over the kitchen counter and held out the spoon to him. A grimace took over his face but he let me feed him anyway, his eyes twitching and a frantic hand over his lips. "Damn, I'm getting a headache."
The roof of my mouth was burning when I gave myself a spoonful. Jungkook kept staring and making a face, the frown between his brows weirdly adorable. "You're not going yet?" I asked him.
"It's a Sunday tomorrow. I can stay up a little late tonight, unless you want me out already."
"I don't mind having you over."
He shrugged. "You can go to bed. I'll just chill here for a while. I'll leave—" He peeked down at his wristwatch, "—in an hour."
Holding out another spoonful of ice cream to him, I said, "More?" The blue lights hit him just right, cutting across his cheeks, his eyes even shinier.
There would be times — like this moment — that it would occur to me how attractive he had always been. Always the pretty boy. Someone that would make your heart ache just by how pretty he looked.
"This is too much," he complained but still opened his mouth. "Babe."
"Hm?"
"You said you were missing me a lot."
I hid my smile by looking down at my bowl, pretending it was more interesting than his face. "And?"
"And you wouldn't answer my calls even when you had nothing else to do."
"Just because," I answered by not giving him an actual answer, unable to string words together in a way that I could make him understand.
"Because."
"I don't want to miss you a lot."
"Good or bad?"
"Good. It's just— it just feels weird to me that I miss you so much even when you're around," I said.
"Isn't that great?"
"Don't want to grasp onto you too much. Don't wanna get there, be clingy, you know what I mean?" Glancing up, I felt myself smiling. This actually felt better to express than let them stay in my head.
"Why hold back yourself?"
"It isn't nice to want too much," I said.
"I know. But what if I want that, too?"
"We're just saying that. But it's going to be tiring at some point."
"Are... Are you okay?"
"Yeah, why wouldn't I be?"
Clinking his fingernails against the countertop, he replied, "Nothing. But are we okay?"
"Yes, of course."
"Alright..." He was silent for a moment. Then blinked. "Is this about me... Not wanting to talk so you want to keep your distance?" He sounded hesitant around his words, dragging them on his tongue.
I felt a rush of fright, not anticipating that he would take it the wrong way. But it could've been my fault for not communicating it properly. "Hey, it's not like that at all. Don't think of that. If you're not ready to share what worries you, then don't force yourself. This is just me doing things for myself."
He still explained, "You don't make things harder for me. It's easy around you."
I nodded, half-smiling. "It's good to know that."
"It's just... most of the time, I don't like myself." I frowned. I don't like myself. It was a little heartbreaking to hear and I wanted to ask how he could see how much people liked him, how much I liked him, if he didn't even like a part of himself or himself as a whole. But I didn't. I didn't ask him. And when we moved on from the topic, we were back to fooling around while the relief settled back in, whisking the doubts away.
. . .
Things moved along pretty quickly after that night. We were so caught up in work and with the course refreshers we needed to cover for the surgical board exam we were aiming to score after residency. Jungkook and I did what we usually had done over the course of our relationship. Find time to meet or call, eat together if we were lucky. We only had a hard time seeing each other often because one of us would normally get called back for work whenever we just sat together, and I could tell it was frustrating him– the lack of time.
I did my best to hide the fact that I would find myself spending nearly every moment of my day thinking about him, wondering what he was thinking, what he was doing. It needed to stop.
So I transferred my focus into other things that mattered. I called my parents more. I'd panic when my father would complain about minor chest pains or headaches. It didn't register to me until then, that I also had to come to terms with my parents growing old, and one of us was likely to get sick, too. Jimin would still come over at my house sometimes even when I was barely home just to consume the food I couldn't do on my own.
It was Wednesday and I had been in the hospital since Monday evening. I wanted to go home and crawl into bed and forget about the responsibilities I needed to accomplish and as much as I enjoyed every time the patients would chat me up, my back would appreciate a long break. I was standing too much; my feet might collapse. Jungkook seemed groggy the last time I saw him around. I knew it also had been hectic on his end.
"Park Soohyun," Dr. Kim Seokjin called over his shoulder while he was skimming through a folder of documents.
"Yes, Doctor Kim?" I stepped around his desk.
"Dr. Cha asked what your plans are after residency. We just want to know what your decision is as early as now. If we have to hire new residents, more interns when you guys leave? You know how it works."
"I want to stay here," I answered with conviction. I didn't know where else to go. I made good acquaintances here. Taehyung would probably stay, too. I had adjusted with everything really well.
He nodded, seemingly satisfied with my response. "That's great."
"Any plans for fellowship?" he asked again, his gaze fixed on the papers.
I pursed my lips, wondering. "I'm considering cardiothoracic transplant. I think I'd love the training."
"Good idea, I must say. Although it's a competitive program, just a heads up. They only accept three to four fellows every year here. Have you been preparing for the certification exam?"
I chuckled. "Absolutely. I can't mess this up."
. . .
Winter was starting to fizzle down that Friday. I was walking back to the hospital from the Yonsei University Library that was located close by, carrying my tumbler and a small book bag with my notes in it, looking forward to the lunch I agreed on together with Taehyung and Jungkook, something that didn't happen in quite a long while. I had just finished studying a portion of my to-read list for today, and having to study the same way I did when I was a student made me realize how I wouldn't want to go through another of this. The training felt much better for me.
I waited around the hospital cafeteria, taking out my phone to pass some minutes and scroll through my social media feed until lunchtime arrived. I pulled up Instagram, clicked on every story I could watch, then switched over to Twitter. People complaining about anything. I liked each one of them.
I sent a message to the group chat when another ten minutes rolled around and none of them hadn't yet shown up.
I typed: guys?
No response.
I guessed they weren't done with work so I stood up and ordered a meal for myself, sat back down with it and busied my hands with my phone for more minutes. I was giggling at a random funny video I stumbled across on the Internet before I glanced up from my device, finding Taehyung looking a little lost. He came alone.
I examined his expression, even the way he was walking, fidgeting.
Taehyung's face appeared a bit drained of color, his eyes out of focus. He was approaching rather slowly, and I had the urge to just drag him to his seat. I lifted an eyebrow, wanting to ask what was wrong with him. He stopped in front of me, swallowing and shifting his weight on his feet with clear uncertainty, then spoke, tone flat and weak, "Hey. Jungkook has just been kicked out this morning."
Instantly I felt a prick in my chest, confusion swarming before my eyes. I could feel an impending splitting headache, because what the fuck was he actually saying? "What do you mean kicked out?" I asked, not intending to sound harsh but still came out exactly like that, squinting.
"He can't work here anymore," he said, his voice overlaid with dread.
a/n:
thank you for 65K reads!!