Autumn walked into school with her head hung low and her hands buried deep into her Cheerios letterman. Christmas was just weeks away, and normally she'd be excited, however, things weren't going to be as merry this year.
After the new year, she would be leaving to go to an in-patient facility to get help for her eating disorder.
Stevie had a meltdown in front of Kendra and told her about Autumn's relapse, and after talking it over with Phil, they both decided that they couldn't wait until summer break to get her help.
She needed it now.
"Auts, are you okay?" Brittany asked as she walked up next to her.
"Yeah, I'm great," Autumn mumbled as she approached her locker. She opened it up, and instantly her eyes fell on a picture of her and Rachel. She took the magnet off that was holding it up and put the photo in the back of a Harry Potter book that Naomi had put in her locker.
"No, you're not. I've known you for 10 years. I'm not stupid," Brittany said, frowning as she looked over her friend's pale, colorless skin and the bags under her eyes. "Auttie, what's wrong?"
"Everything," Autumn said, her voice breaking as she closed her locker and turned to face the blonde. "I've lost everything... and... and I really don't want to say goodbye, but I have to."
"What do you mean 'say goodbye?'"
"I... My mom found out... and-and she's sending me away."
"Sweetie, don't cry," Brittany cooed, pulling the smaller girl into a hug and holding her close as she cried into her chest.
"I d-don't wanna g-go," Autumn sobbed, hugging her friend tighter.
"Maybe you can ask Santa to make you all better?"
Autumn hiccuped and pulled away from Brittany's embrace to look up at her. She sniffled and wiped her tears away.
"Britt, what are you talking about?" the brunette asked.
"Auttie, the roads to the North Pole are getting treacherous," Brittany said as she gently wiped another tear off of Autumn's cheek. "You need to write your letter to Santa asking him to help you get better and get it in the mail today. And remember, even the smallest envelope is heavy for an elf."
Brittany gave her friend one more quick hug and a small smile before walking away. Autumn gasped as she soaked in everything that she had said.
Brittany S. Pierce still believes in Santa Claus.
****
The New Directions were decorating the choir room for Christmas. Naomi smiled softly as she watched Autumn and Brittany dance around while singing. She knew that this week was going to be hard for her, especially since it would be her last at McKinley for a while, but, for now, it seemed like she was happy.
Rachel glanced over at the two cheerleaders out of the corner of her eye. She knew they were just friends – Brittany was with Artie, after all – but she couldn't help but feel a little jealous, as well as sad, when she saw the smile on Autumn's face as the taller girl twirled her around.
"Hey, guys," Mr. Schue said as he came into the choir room. "What's this?"
"We're trying to get into the Christmas spirit, Mr. Schue," said Finn.
"Christmas is my favorite holiday," Autumn smiled. "And look at this awesome tree Finn got us."
"I found it on the side of the road," Finn said as Naomi chuckled. "Must have fallen off some guy's car."
"And the ornaments?" Mr. Schue asked.
"The guy who lives next door to me finally killed off his elderly mother," said Santana. "When they carted him off, they left the house wide open. I think she was a holiday hoarder."
"And the presents?"
"I lifted them from the display from the mall," said Puck. "But don't worry. They're empty."
"Guys, I appreciate the effort, but this isn't what Christmas is supposed to be like," said Mr. Schue.
"For us it is," said Mercedes. "This tree is a mascot for Glee Club. We won sectionals two years in a row, and according to everyone at this school, we still suck."
Naomi nodded as she recalled getting hit by a slushie on her way into school with Mike, Tina, and Mercedes that morning.
"My eyes are still burning," the freshman said as Tina gave her a sympathetic smile and rubbed her back.
"I'm pretty sure they just added food coloring to real slush from the parking lot," Mike mumbled.
"You can eat that, you know," said Lauren.
"No," said Mr. Schue. "I am not going to let you guys throw yourselves a pity party. Look, I'm the first one to say that things haven't turned out exactly how I would have liked them to this year. But Christmas is all about being grateful for the things that did."
"I thought that was Thanksgiving?" Naomi mumbled confusedly.
"And this year, Glee Club is gonna lend a hand to the McKinney-Vento Homeless Children and Youth Program right here in Lima."
"How are we gonna do that?" Rachel asked.
"The only way we know how. By singing about it," said Mr. Schue. "We're gonna go classroom to classroom caroling to raise money for McKinney-Vento."
"Classrooms in this school with students in them?" Tina asked, exchanging an uneasy look with Naomi.
"Well, if there are no students in them there will be no one to put money in the collection box."
"We're gonna be killed," Naomi whimpered. "I'm too cute to die."
"No, guys, it's Christmas," said Finn. "A time for miracles. We gotta try this."
"Finn's right," said Mr. Schue. "So, let's start rehearsing. This year, Glee Club's going full Santa."
****
After a failed attempt at caroling, the New Directions were back in the choir room decorating a Christmas tree that Mr. Schue had gotten them.
With Santana's encouragement, Autumn managed to eat some of the popcorn they were using to decorate the tree with.
"What's the deal with decorating Christmas trees with popcorn?" Autumn asked as she took a handful from the bowl. "Wouldn't that attract rats or something?"
"I honestly don't know," Santana shrugged.
"I can't believe that teacher let those students speak to us like that," Rachel scoffed as she recalled the events from earlier.
"I can't believe she threw her shoe at us," Naomi pouted. "Meanie."
"I guess we're done caroling," Tina mumbled as she hung a string of popcorn on the tree.
"No, we're not," Finn spoke up. "Guys, we can't let what just happened ruin our Christmas spirit."
"Finn's right," Autumn said as she ate some popcorn. "Mr. Schue got us this beautiful tree to inspire us. We're gonna practice now and gear up for round two tomorrow."
"Pretty soon, no one will bully us," said Brittany. "Santa Claus can do anything, and this year I asked for the Glee Club to stop getting picked on."
"I asked him for Autumn to get better so she doesn't have to go away," Naomi said as Brittany smiled at her.
"They're kidding, right?" Lauren asked.
"Guys, this is serious," Autumn whispered, motioning for the New Directions to huddle closer to her so Brittany and Naomi couldn't hear them. "They both still believe in Santa."
"You cannot be serious," said Mercedes.
"Last week, Brittany believed a comb had magic powers," said Sam. "This is kind of a pattern."
"Naomi's so sweet and innocent, so it makes sense that she still believes," Santana mumbled.
"They're gonna find out sooner or later," said Quinn.
"Someone has to break the news to them," Lauren shrugged.
"Don't look at me," Puck quickly spoke up. "I'm cruel and all, but that's just hard core."
"That's my point," Autumn sighed. "Hear me out. Remember when you were a kid how excited you would get when you would think about Santa Claus and how awesome it was? Christmas was the highlight of the year, and it still is. Why wouldn't you want to keep someone's world magical for a little while longer?"
"How?" Mike asked.
"I've got it all figured out..."
****
Autumn hugged her knees to her chest as she sat against the wall of the bathroom, silent tears falling down her face. The glee club had gone to the mall to visit Santa, and both Brittany and Naomi asked him for the impossible.
They wished for her to magically get better overnight so she wouldn't have to leave.
Autumn knew there was no way she could pull that off. Her relationship with food wasn't magically going to change just because they asked a mall Santa. She knew she needed professional help, and the only way for her to get that was for her to say goodbye to her friends and family for a while to go to an in-patient treatment center in Columbus.
She eyed the toilet in front of her. She felt guilty about eating dinner. She wanted to throw it up. She wanted to work out for three hours to burn off the calories.
But she couldn't.
Autumn took a deep breath before standing up and leaving her bathroom. She grabbed her journal and sat down cross legged on her bed to pour her feelings out.
"If I wanted to know who you were hanging with while I was gone, I would've asked you," she sang as she pressed the pen to paper. "It's the kind of cold, fogs up windshield glass, but I felt it when I passed you. There's an ache in you, put there by the ache in me. But if it's all the same to you, it's the same to me."
She and Rachel hadn't spoken since the break-up. She still loved her, maybe a little more than she should, and it pained her that things couldn't be like how they were before.
"So we could call it even. You could call me 'babe' for the weekend. 'Tis the damn season, write this down. I'm stayin' at my parents house, and the road not taken looks real good now. And it always leads to you and my hometown."
Sometimes Autumn wished she had never met Rachel, but at the same time, she knew that her life changed for the better when she did.
"I parkеd my car right between the Methodist and thе school that used to be ours," she sang, sighing as she looked over at the framed picture she still had of the two of them on her bedside table. "The holidays linger like bad perfume. You can run, but only so far. I escaped it too, remember how you watched me leave. But if it's okay with you, it's okay with me."
Rachel could've chosen to go after Autumn when she walked away that day, but she didn't.
She really wished she had.
"We could call it even. You could call me 'babe' for the weekend. 'Tis the damn season, write this down. I'm stayin' at my parents house, and the road not taken looks real good now. Time flies, messy as the mud on your truck tires. Now I'm missing your smile, hear me out. We could just ride around, and the road not taken looks real good now. And it always leads to you and my hometown."
Autumn felt tears filling her eyes as she packed her suitcase. Memories from the past year came flooding back, which made leaving harder than it should have been.
"Sleep in half the day just for old times' sake. I won't ask you to wait if you don't ask me to stay," she sang as she neatly folded a hoodie she had 'accidentally' stolen from Rachel when she was at her house one time and placed it in the suitcase. "So I'll go back to L.A. and the so-called friends who'll write books about me if I ever make it, and wonder about the only soul who can tell which smiles I'm fakin'. And the heart I know I'm breakin' is my own, to leave the warmest bed I've ever known."
She choked out a small sob as she picked up the picture on her bedside table and took it out of the frame. She placed it carefully on top of the hoodie before placing her journal on top of it and zipping the suitcase up.
"We could call it even," Autumn sang, taking a deep breath to try and calm down. "Even though I'm leaving. And I'll be yours for the weekend. 'Tis the damn season."
She knew she wasn't going away forever, but she knew it was going to be long enough for her to get homesick. She hated being away from her family and friends last time she was hospitalized for anorexia, and she knew it was only going to be harder this time.
She really had tried to get better, but when things get rough or if she gets overwhelmed, she copes the only way she knows how. She knew that eating disorders were deadly, and she was terrified of losing her life because of it, but she didn't know how to stop.
Maybe it was good she was leaving.
"We could call it even. You could call me 'babe' for the weekend," Autumn sang as she placed her suitcase in the trunk of Phil's car. "'Tis the damn season, write this down. I'm stayin' at my parents house, and the road not taken looks real good now."
As they drove away, Autumn could see Rachel's face and her smile in her head. Even though they hadn't spoken in weeks, she could still hear her voice so clearly. Her laugh still echoed in her ears, and she could still feel the warmth of every hug.
How she would give anything to be wrapped in her arms again.
"Time flies, messy as the mud on your truck tires. Now I'm missing your smile, hear me out. We could just ride around, and the road not taken looks real good now. And it always leads to you and my hometown."
Stevie hugged Autumn tight as they said their goodbye's outside of Desert Park Hospital. The freezing winter wind blew, making their warm tears cold.
"Try to get better, okay?" Stevie pleaded, looking up at his sister with tears in his eyes. "You have to get better."
"I'll do my best, Stevie," Autumn sniffled, hugging her youngest brother one more time before hugging Shiloah and Simon.
As she walked into the hospital with her dad, all she could think about was the guilt she felt. How could she do this to her parents and brothers again? She had promised she'd be okay, yet here she was again in the same place she was two summers ago: on the verge of death because she starved and punished herself for eating.
"It always leads to you and my hometown."