At midnight we retired to the tent. I needed to talk to Noah urgently. The engagement had been hasty, I shouldn't have said yes. Noah zipped the tent and smiled mischievously at me. Why did he smile at me like that? There was no reason to smile. Slowly he crawled onto the mattress I had already laid down on. She gave way and I felt like I was in a waterbed. When I suggested to Noah to take two air mattresses, he immediately rebuffed. But I needed my sleep and hated it when someone moved in bed.
»Honey, don't we want to cuddle a little?« asked Noah, winking. Did he mean sex by cuddling? Seriously? Now, here in the wilderness of California, in a dark creepy forest, he wanted to sleep with me?
»Cuddling?«, I asked.
»Yes, we haven't had sex in a long time. I thought it was about time again,« he replied, taking off his top. I froze with my thick terry sweater and had no desire for sexual activity in this cold tent. Noah flexed his muscles and came closer and closer to me. I couldn't push him away, could I?
»Don't you find it a little uncomfortable here?«, I asked, trying to show that I wasn't exactly keen to have sex with him.
»Uncomfortable? It totally turns me on. Sex in a tent. There's nothing better, darling,« Noah said, and began to kiss me. His hands moved in the direction of my pants and I quickly slapped his hand away.
»What's wrong?« he asked indignantly.
»I'm damn cold and, if I undress now, I'm going to freeze even more,« I told him. He pushed my top up with his hand so that my upper body was almost bare.
»Didn't you hear what I just said?«
»You can also leave the clothes on. I realise you've gained a lot anyway,« he replied, looking at my belly.
»Do you think that's what turns me on when you say I'm fat?«, I asked disappointed. Tears immediately welled up in my eyes.
»I didn't say you were fat. Only that you've become wider.«
»You're such an asshole.« Annoyed, pushed him off me.
»Then don't.« Displeased, he got dressed again. I tore open the zipper of the tent and walked out.
»Where do you want to go now? It's dark out there and we should sleep now.«
»I have no need to sleep next to you tonight. You hurt me and don't even notice it,« I shouted loudly. Maybe a little too loud.
»Uh, the guilt expert has spoken. Do you want to make me feel guilty now because I wanted sex? I'm a man and I have my needs, which you don't seem to have,« Noah clarified, crossing his arms in front of his chest. I snorted and didn't say a word. With a jerk I carried my sleeping bag out of the tent. I would rather spend the night in front of the tent than have to share a mattress with this man. What kept me with Noah anyway? It was probably more of a habit than anything else. I started crying, even though I could have given myself the tears. Less than two minutes later, Evelyn stormed out of her tent.
»Hey Olivia.« She had probably heard the argument and took me in her arms on the spot.
»Did you hear anything?«, I asked, but didn't really want to know.
»Every word,« replied a male voice that I heard to the left behind me. Liam had also come to the fireplace.
»You must not let this idiot dictate your life.«
»Yes, he definitely doesn't deserve you. You're a smart young woman, Olivia. You're worth more than he ever will be,« Liam said. Evelyn's boyfriend was the womaniser par excellence, which was probably due to his years of experience as a bartender.
»Thank you,« I replied quietly, sobbing.
»You need distance from him. This allows you to think clearly. Maybe then he will realise what he has in you. Whether you take it back, you have to decide for yourself. Or you can see for yourself how well you feel without him,« Liam said, fetching beer from the tent. One he gave to Evelyn and the other to me. We drank the beer and Evelyn really wanted me to sleep in their tent. In their opinion, they had taken far too much with them anyway.
»Can you please shut up,« Noah yelled loudly from his tent.
»Oh, the diva has spoken. I don't want to provoke an unnecessary argument tonight, otherwise I won't drag this idiot home with me. We should lie down in our tent and sleep. Tomorrow the world will look different. I promise,« Liam replied.
»Thank you.« Evelyn had made extra room for my sleeping bag in her tent.
»You don't have to thank us. We're here for you,« Liam said, turning off the flashlight.
The next morning we packed up the tents again and cleaned up. Breakfast consisted of a slice of bread and Nutella. No one had said a word. Noah was mad at me, I knew that, but I wouldn't apologise for anything.
On the way home, I stared incessantly out the window, while Noah slept and snored loudly. Saliva ran out of the corners of his mouth and for a second I thought about filming it and uploading it to the Internet. But I wasn't that nasty. Around noon we arrived home and I unpacked. Noah went to the beach with a friend to surf. I enjoyed the calm before the storm, because tonight I wanted to talk to him plainly and suggest a break. It just couldn't go on like this. My stomach rebelled and I had an awful stomach ache. The conversation would finally ease my conscience, at least that's what I hoped. If I didn't even feel like sleeping with my boyfriend anymore, something was terribly wrong. Noah was not so quick to see. I washed the laundry and gave the fish something to eat. Evelyn had actually taken him away. At home, she had realised that she couldn't keep Nemo in a bucket forever and since I had two baths, I wanted to take him in for a short time.
Noah probably already suspected that I wanted to talk to him. Shortly after sunset he finally came home. Noah was covered with sand and dragged half of it down the hallway. Again a habit that made me freak out. Breathe calmly, Olivia. Don't overreact. We don't want to fall right into the house with the door.
»Noah, maybe we can talk. I feel like there's something huge between us,« I said quietly.
»If you mean,« he replied, and walked towards the bathroom.
»Now?«
»Can I take a shower first? You can see that I might be a little sandy.« Oh, what? From the beach you are now sandy? It's completely new to me.
He wiped the sand from his arms. Thank you, so the corridor was only more covered with grains.
»By myself,« I replied.
»What are the fish doing in our bathtub? I thought Evelyn was taking them or was this supposed to be my dinner?!«
»She has no room in her small apartment,« I replied, putting a strand back.
»But us?« he asked, grimacing.
»Yes, we have two bathrooms. You can still shower in the other one.«
»But I want to take a shower here.«
»Don't act like that.«
»I want to shower in the bathroom where I always shower.«
»They're actually my bathrooms, because you only pay a fraction of the rent,« I clarified.
»Thank you for reminding me that I don't have as much money as rich Olivia.«
»Noah, you have to grow up. This apartment looks like a hippie student's, but not like a grown man's. I just feel let down and no matter what argument I make, you always have something to say against it. We just don't pull together.« Finally I opened my mouth.
»And what do you mean by that? Not everyone can be as grown-up and sensible as you are, Olivia,« Noah replied, dragging out my name. He was so childish.
»Do you even understand what I mean?«
»No, I like my life the way it is and I don't want to change anything about it. I'm sorry.« How could he be so indifferent to all this?
»I am the one who makes the compromises in our partnership. I always do everything exactly the way you want it to. I even went camping with you, even though I hate it more than anything,« I explained.
»You weren't quite as averse to camping this time,« Noah replied, ignoring the other numerous facts I had listed. I shook my head in disbelief.
»To be able to spend time with you, because otherwise you don't have any!«
»You always try to shift everything onto me.« He just didn't understand what I was getting at.
»I think we should take a break.«
»Okay, do we want to order something to eat then?« asked Noah.
»No, I mean a break in the relationship. Each of us should think about what we really want and whether we are still happy.« I was immensely proud to sound so grown-up.
»Don't you love me anymore?« he asked, visibly disappointed. That was a very good question that I couldn't answer myself.
»Noah, please. That's not the point.«
»Of course, if you don't love me anymore, we don't need a break, we need a final stroke,« he explained.
I pulled the ring off my finger and gave it back to him.
»I guess that's the answer.« I gave him the piece of jewellery without touching his hand.
»«I need time.»«
»Is it because I wanted sex when you didn't want it?«
»No, that's not the problem. And it wasn't that I didn't want sex, I was just cold,« I guess I swindled at both of us.
»That didn't stop you before. You've changed. You have become a real philistine. Just like your parents. Money and power rule the world. Typical capitalists.«
»What? Oh, never mind, I don't feel like having to defend myself from you anymore.« I was actually able to assert myself, which was not often the case.
»Well, I'll pack some things and then we'll just talk again in a few days. I'll ask Diego if I can stay with him, at least there's no fish stopping me from taking a shower,« Noah explained, shaking his head and going into the bedroom. Yes, messed up my beautiful bedroom with your sand, it shot through my head.
After a few minutes, he came back with my gym bag in hand.
»Why are you taking my bag?«, I asked cautiously, without screaming.
»Not all my things fit in my hiking backpack,« he replied.
»And then you just help yourself to mine?« Anger and disappointment rose within me.
»Don't be like that. You don't use the sports bag to do sports anyway. I've been telling you for weeks to sign up at a gym and you don't.«
»The best thing is, you leave now. Right away. I'm really controlling myself right now.«
»Uh, now I'm dealing with fear,« Noah mimbled.
»And what I use my gym bag for, it's your business,« I said after the door closed behind him. My heart was racing and all sorts of emotions rained down on me like a rain shower.