Chapter 35
PARK SOOHYUN
"I hope you don't like me less now," Jungkook mumbled, sounding like it hurt him to say that but he needed to. A sudden bitterness slithered in my throat, making me want to ask, how could you say that? How could you even think of that? I couldn't understand what was happening, but I was there. I was there and I wasn't leaving. And I liked him more than anything else even if it was hard to have a grasp on things between us. Jungkook leaned into the crook of my neck again as if I'd fade if he loosened his touch just a bit.
"I like you even more," I said, hoping he knew how much I meant that.
Silence stretched out after that, and it was starting to feel a lot like a suspension of fear. When he pulled back, he refused to look me in the eyes, his gaze falling to the ground. I wished he'd glance at me and tell me something that was bothering him, to make me understand, to give me anything that he could, but I also wanted him to take his time, always, always. I'm still here.
"Do you still want to go to the store?" he asked, finally looking at me even if he couldn't exactly hold my gaze.
I shrugged. "Only if you want to—"
"I mean, we could— You need to sober up."
"I'm not drunk. Do you want to go home?"
A frown took over Jungkook's face. "This isn't about what I want."
"You look like you need to rest. I know you've had a long day."
His lips parted to say something but still held it back, leaving me wondering what it could have been, and then later told me after heaving a sigh, "I'm sorry I ruined the night."
Shaking my head, I had the urge to reach for his hand but I stopped myself, noticing that he seemed like he'd be easily repulsed by anything I'd do that time. I said, my voice softer, "I hope you'll stop apologizing."
It might've not been the right thing to say, apparently.
"I'll apologize when I need to."
"I know. I know, alright? But you have nothing to be sorry for now."
He made a nod, but there was something fierce in his eyes that I couldn't tell where was coming from, something that could be frustration about not being able to tell what he wanted to, what he didn't want to. It got more tense when he was quiet for another minute, and then, "I stopped going to therapy," he suddenly announced, his voice sharper, almost gruffly if I heard it more correctly. I gave him a look and he was already watching me as if he was trying to examine my reaction, his eyes keen and searching.
I set my mouth in a firm line, giving myself a few minutes to process what he said. He stopped going to therapy. Okay. That was probably what he wanted. "But, why?" I asked him.
He chuckled. "I don't think it was working."
I thought about what I'd answer, and maybe I could tell him something he wanted to hear, but it was still a bit puzzling to me. I thought it had been going just fine. "You said that it can be a long process. It wouldn't automatically fix anything." I held my hands together for warmth.
"Yeah, I know. But I'm sick of it. I don't have much patience for it. I am sick of coming every week to talk about my issues or whatever, forcing myself to listen to things that could help me."
My heart kicked. I focused my eyes just on him, staring hard and studying his little movements. I still couldn't get it, but I was there.
"Do you think maybe you just need a change of therapist? Find someone else that'll handle it better."
"Someone else who can handle me better?"
"That's not what I mean."
"I just don't want to sit through excruciating hours of it."
"Do you think that's good for you?"
"Yeah," he said, his voice sturdier this time.
"Then that's good for you."
"You don't believe me, do you?"
"I do. Do what makes you feel more comfortable. I am serious when I say you should take your time, do things at your own pace. If not going to therapy will make you feel better, then that's it."
He was biting the insides of his mouth and fidgeting with the hem of his jacket sleeves, something he usually did when he was under a lot of stress, and it made me feel so guilty, even if I completely had no control over the whole situation. I wished it had a button I could press just to switch it off. "Really? It seems to me you don't trust that this is good for me."
I winced but pretended it was nothing. What gave me away? I wanted to understand. What look did I make to make him think that way? What did I do?
What did I not do?
"How should I look to you? Please tell me," I asked, pressing the faint hint of desperation in my voice down.
Jungkook wouldn't even glance at me. "I know it's hard to stay with me when I'm like this."
I furrowed my brows. "Like what?"
"When I'm looking miserable," he answered, setting off a sense of exasperation in me, a desire of proving him otherwise.
But I had no clue how and where to start.
I shook my head, narrowing my eyes. "You're not. You're just going through a tough time, but you are not miserable, okay? You're deciding for me."
"I'm not deciding for you. I'm just stating what I think."
"You think. You don't know what I think... Seriously, I don't want to put up a fight with you."
"I don't think you understand," he replied, petulance in his tone.
"I'm trying to. I hope you'll make it easier for me." I almost froze where I was standing. Did that come out wrong?
Jungkook blinked hard. "I knew it."
"You're assuming that you're a burden again."
"You just implied that I'm making it hard for you. Don't try to figure me out. I'm doing that myself."
"How many times should I reiterate that it's not you? There's nothing wrong with you and I don't want to be invasive, but I hope you know that I'm not going to stand here and not do anything while you're—"
He didn't let me finish. "While I'm being miserable, okay, I get it. However you want to put it, it's the same thing."
My eyes bored into him with my heart feeling like it had just been squished while saying, "I want to go home."
He nodded so casually, his focus somewhere else. "Okay."
"I really like you and I mean that," I said, wanting to offer him assurance that I was just here.
"Okay." His lips remained tight.
"But I also want you to know that you're sort of hurting my feelings right now. And I'm not—" I paused just to swallow the painful lump forming in my throat, "I'm not trying to make this about me."
Jungkook closed his eyes in frustration, angling away from me. "This is why I don't want to talk about it. I always knew it would end this way."
"Well, I guess I'm bad at talking, huh?" I felt my head spin. I never wanted to take this so personally when I knew he wasn't in a good headspace at that time, and I probably shouldn't be ticked off by this. I tried to convince myself that one of us needed to step away from this, and the bitter feeling heaping up in my chest would eventually melt into my stomach and be washed away by something good or kind eventually. We were just laughing earlier. We'd just been joking around.
"No, you misunderstood again." Which also meant I wasn't handling it well.
"Listen, why don't we just go home and blow off some steam?"
Jungkook groaned. "I'm not mad at you, Soohyun."
"I'm not, either."
"Okay."
"Yeah."
"Are we really going home now?"
"I want to."
He was hesitant to go. "I won't be seeing you tomorrow. For a whole week, actually."
For a second, fear wrenched my heart. "Why?"
"I have to attend this conference on arthroplasty and other specializations. It's in Ulsan. Will be leaving by ten."
"Alright," I said.
He was silent for a moment, watching me. I hoped I had a clue what was going through his head. "I'm gonna call every now and then... Please don't ignore me."
"No. I'm not going to ignore you. But if you don't want to talk to me, I'll give you that. I won't take it against you if you can't. Or if you don't."
Jungkook stepped around me, holding out his hand and curling his fingers around mine. He managed a light squeeze. "I know. But I want to." His shoulders lost some of the tension, standing too close now. "I will call."
. . .
Before I fell asleep that night, a message came through.
Jungkook
I'm sorry for making you sad tonight, and I like you so much, too, you know?
. . .
After working a 16-hour shift at the hospital, I drove straight to my parents' house feeling a little homesick, not expecting to see my brother drinking by himself in the veranda. I made myself comfortable in my father's favorite rocking chair across from Jimin after dinner, shooting back a weird stare at him when he did so.
"Tell me, have you been kicked out of your apartment?" I asked.
Jimin laughed into his hand. "Not yet. I've just been getting so bored there. It's nice to catch up with mom and dad every once in a while, you know."
I smiled a little. "How's work going?"
"Work's going, I guess? But well, it's great. Just the usual. You getting enough sleep?"
"I try to."
He leaned back in his seat, swirling the wine around in his glass. "I've been wanting to drop by the hospital to see you, but I worry about catching you at such a bad time. You told me things are crazier now that you're on your chief residency."
"Come one of these days. I'll let you know when I can make time."
"Okay. So, how are your friends?"
I watched him down his drink. "They're doing just fine, yeah."
Jimin smirked at me over his shoulder, the curve of his mouth playful. "You sure one of them is just a friend? Your Instagram stories have made it obvious twice."
My face wrinkled at the attempt of playing it cool, but it was hard to stop my smile from growing wider. I pointed my thumb behind me, feeling like a child again. "Don't tell them just yet." My parents would have no problems with me dating, of course (I already reached my thirties and they'd been waiting for this since I entered college), but once they knew, they wouldn't let it go and I would have to ask my boyfriend to meet them as soon as possible.
Slowly he sat up as he zeroed in on me, anticipating for more. "Okay?"
Feeling the heat rise to my cheeks, I admitted, "Jungkook and I are dating."
His brows raised, eyes widening, and then he schooled his expression as if it shouldn't have been so much of a big deal. "That's, whoa, that's awesome. Is he treating you well?"
"Don't know what your standard of good is but yeah, he's a really nice person."
His eyes softened and suddenly there was a gentle yet insistent tugging at my chest. "Well, I can say I'm happy for you. Who knew such a dream could turn into reality?"
I laughed, sounding more giggly. I hated how I sounded, but also loved it all the same. "Don't make it weird."
"How long have you been together?"
"The relationship is still very young, actually," I said, a bit sheepish about it.
"Looking forward to meeting him properly."
"I am, too. When he's ready."
"So how's he doing?"
"He's doing good."
"Yeah?"
"He still does the best in his job. I've never seen anyone who works harder than Jungkook. Besides that, honestly? Not so good... but he wouldn't openly tell me that." I chuckled, taking a pause to ponder my admission. If this was one of those invasive things that people in relationships did behind their partners. "Is this even right? Talking about him like this to you?"
He shrugged. "Unless it's something sacred or against his will, then—"
"I just want somebody's opinion."
"I'm listening."
"There's a lot of things I don't understand now..."
"Do they get in the way between you and him?"
"I don't think so. It just makes him upset. I don't want him to feel that way."
"Does he talk about it?"
"He doesn't want to, which makes me feel useless, does that sound weird? I want to help him, but he won't let me. I just have very limited knowledge of what he's going through, and sometimes I think, maybe he doesn't trust me?"
"Soohyun, you should—"
"I didn't have friends before. Could it be that something was really wrong with me and that explains why I can't deal with people? Why I don't know how I should be dealing with someone I care about?"
"Hey, that's— I'm not used to you talking so low about yourself, this shit is freaking me out." He let out an awkward laugh, making me internally flinch because it reminded me of that time when an ex-friend confronted me that underneath all of my 'cool' charade, I was just an overly insecure girl, which I adamantly opposed to, arguing I knew myself well. Jimin's smile waned and his gaze turned serious. "Listen, do you think you have me all figured out just because we're family?"
"No, you're one complicated human being."
My response made him laugh. "It's just the same with everyone else. You can't possibly learn everything about him so fast and easy. You can only do so much. He'll come around. You don't go around doing everything to make people feel better just because it makes you feel useless seeing them at their low. It'll drain you."
I sat feeling defensive, my hands stiff in my lap. "I'm not doing it for a sort of self wish fulfillment. It's not like that at all."
"I get your intentions. Soohyun, you can be there for him, but it's not your responsibility to carry something that he doesn't want you to. If he doesn't want to talk, then he probably wants to sit on it by himself for a while. I'm sure he appreciates your presence, but... even if you want to, you can't possibly fix it for him. You can't hold such power over anyone. Nobody can. If it were that easy, the world would have been so much better."
"I'm not trying to fix anything for him. I just wish I could do something."
Tapping his foot repeatedly against the leg of his chair, he said, "He's not some project. Give him enough time to realize he has to do something about the way he feels. He has to feel that no one's going to give up on him even if he feels like giving up on everything else. I'm sorry but you can be there for him and give him all the support he needs yet it's not going to make things automatically better for him because that's something he needs to work for himself. You just gotta trust him that he'll get through this. The rest? He'll work his way through."
I turned away and drowned myself in a long time of silence, keeping more of my thoughts to myself and letting them speak into the void as they gnawed away at the corners of my brain. My head hurt, thinking too much. While Jimin was scrolling on his phone, I voiced, "I'm kind of scared."
He glanced back, setting his phone down. "About what?"
This was harder to say than I thought it would be. "It scares me that at one point he'll find it hard to breathe around me."
"You'll know it when it's time to take some time off."
The idea made me want to throw up. We'd just started, how could he bring up this thing of taking some time off? "I'm not thinking of that at all... I am just worried that I can be toxic and make things worse for him."
"The thing is, everyone can be toxic. You can be toxic. I can be toxic. It's just how humans work."
"That doesn't make things okay."
"It's totally not okay, but it's just how you let it navigate around things between you, guys. You're probably thinking how easy I make it sound, but I believe it's the way? Have you seen a perfect relationship? If you have, then they're lying, which isn't perfect on the surface to begin with. My point is, if you can't handle it enough, step away for a while no matter how hard it is to do that."
I felt a frown take over my face, tugging at my mouth. "What happened with surviving together?"
"Depends on the circumstances."
"This is so complicated."
Jimin rolled his eyes and laughed. "Look, I'm not an expert on this. I would never claim to be, because what do I fucking know? But I'll put it this way. It's like how I also handle work. I love writing, you know that. But what you love can choke you sometimes, right? Just how you love your job but it can also hurt you the most at times, so you wish you could stay away until you're okay again, until you can come back. I don't think it means you're giving up..." He paused to pour more wine into his glass, lifting it when he was done. "There's someone at work who told me once, and he's married, you see. He said that he and his wife often had arguments, some of them really bad, but it's also like reading a really great book. When you're far into the story and then you come to the point where it makes your heart fucking clench and it's so overwhelming you know you gotta pause? So you stop for a while and put it off for hours or days or even weeks just to pull yourself together and prepare yourself for the next things that will happen, but you are so certain that you never want the story to end. You still love it, regardless of what could go worse, of what had gone wrong. Every part of it."
I couldn't help but stare at Jimin strangely, an inexplicably weird emotion weaving itself around my chest, shoving at my ribs. I sat on the words for a moment with the cold air dry on my skin. "That makes sense..."
He hummed in agreement. "I thought so, too."
"But I like my guy so much I can't even dare to think of stepping away," I said dramatically, seeing my brother chuckle at my truth, but it was honestly breaking my heart a little. "I'm sorry I'm taking this out on you—"
He waved me off. "Don't worry—"
I cut him off. "I've just been so anxious about it."
"I understand."
"And I'm not used to have someone other than you guys feeling that way around me."
"I know. I get where you're coming from."
"Every day, I learn more and more about him and it's just way different from what I imagined him to be before."
"Is that bad?"
"Not at all. Just makes him feel so real. Very human."
"That's an interesting way to see it."
"Don't dare to write anything about this in your column. I will never speak to you again."
He tilted his head a little to his left. "Uh, I would have loved to. Unfortunately, I'm not a relationship columnist. Do you even read any of what I write?"
"I did, a few times. I remember that article where you elaborated on the idea that there's no ethical consumerism under capitalism. It was a well-written piece."
The gleam in his eyes grew brighter, enthusiasm coating his voice. "Oh, right. The thought just occurred right after I randomly joined a Facebook group. It's a moody maximalism stuff and most of the members are middle-aged women nicely sharing their spaces, interiors and decors or asking advice on which colors that would go well with their stuff and the likes, and it was so lovely reading the posts and comments, you know?" Jimin wedged back himself against the backrest of his seat, staring off into the distance. "The community is supportive. Just don't tell them they have too much junk and clutter in their house. The huge ass vintage triple mirror still haunts me."
I grinned. "What's that?"
"It's a maximalism thing, I suppose. I call it the portal mirror in my head. It's insane how much hold it has over that group. And the antique lampshades! I personally find them beautiful."
"You sure spend a lot of time on the internet."
"It's part of the job. You gotta find anything interesting to write about... Anyway, want to drink?"
"Hm, yeah."
He got up on his feet. "My ass bones hurt in this wooden chair. Can't Mom get one of those maximalism type of cushioned seats? Let me get you a glass."
I let him be, teasing him. "That's just one of the purest forms of love, Jimin."
"You're so gross."
A call from Jungkook suddenly interrupted us as soon as Jimin had returned to offer me a drink in the glass he got inside for me, making a face when he realized what was happening.
"Hey," Jungkook started. "Just arrived in the hotel room. How was your day?" It sounded like he just lay down somewhere, the rustling of pillows and weight sinking into the mattress audible.
"Assisted three surgeries, but it was okay." It was so nice hearing his voice even if it hadn't been so long since I saw him. It was strange the way it was making me miss him so much, and maybe I should do something else more, keep my focus out of him, do anything that was outside of him and myself. God, why was I even thinking of these things?
"You're home?" he asked, his voice quiet and calm, just exactly what my ears needed.
"At mom's."
He cleared his throat. "Oh, you're not yet sleepy?"
"Are you? I'll go to bed in a few, but we can talk. Want to hear your voice some more."
"No, no. Rest if you must, okay? Will fill you in on my day when you've rested enough."
"Fine, but could you tell me about the snack you sent to me earlier?"
Jungkook's laughter echoed over the line, filling my chest with softness and fervency. "I don't know why they served cheese fries and soda! But I enjoyed them. Hope to find them again tomorrow. And do you remember Mingyu from our batch? Met him again today. He invited me to get drinks with him and catch up sometime soon. He's expecting his firstborn in a few months. Everyone's having kids now, it still blows my mind. I keep forgetting we're in our thirties."
I also laughed quietly. "Do you feel old?"
"Sometimes."
"Yeah, I do sometimes, too."
"But still got a lot of things to do, huh."
"Precisely. And a lot of growing up to do, at least in my case."
"Ah, that. I share the same sentiment. So..." I heard him sigh, and I imagined him shifting his position. "What are you wearing?" he added.
I instantly looked around to see if Jimin could hear the conversation and adjusted the phone to its lowest call volume, panic creeping in and rattling in my chest. He wasn't around anymore. I couldn't humiliate myself in front of my own brother. I still spoke into the device quietly, my teeth bared, "Don't you know about the right timing?"
"Shit, sorry. Is your father around?" he asked, sounding far from being apologetic.
I couldn't help laughing again. "Stop."
I could almost hear the smile in his voice. "I'm just fooling around... By the way, that breakfast photo you sent to me gave me a headache. How could you mess up a simple sunny-side up, babe?"
"I didn't. I just forgot that I had it cooking up on the stove and when I came back, the pan was practically burning."
"Be careful next time. It looked hideous."
"Kiss my ass," I answered gruffly but I was smiling.
"Time and place?" Jungkook questioned again before laughing it off with such a light, carefree air around it while I gave him a sigh, stupidly fond.
a/n:
could it be that the slowburn thing i've told you is the part where they still tell each other i like you instead of i love you?
i'm grateful for the immense love and support you have given my works this year. have a great holidays. thank you, as always, for reading.^^ next chapter will be longer!!