I take a deep breath and force myself to take those last steps through the gate. The small, hidden meadow lies on the other side of the door. Rampion is already seated on the white chair.
"Does it usually take this long for you to walk through one fucking gate?" He asks like I was minutes late.
"What was that back in the hospital? What were you doing?" I ask, unable to hide the frustrated side of me.
The dark and hollow eyes seem filled with irritation even though the pink mouth smiles.
"I was reaping."
"He thought you were someone else."
I cross my arms and a lump gets stuck in my throat. If Paweł was fooled this way, then it's likely my dad was too.
"I was someone else. All that shit didn't come from me. That's the thing with shapeshifting. It doesn't just change how you look like; it invites them in, you become them. Or like a mix of them and yourself. It's hard to explain."
"So, was it Ewa that asked him to give you his soul?"
I'm trying to feel sure of my own opinion. But at the same time a small thought has entered my head. I'm not that different. I wanted to lie to that woman on the mountain, to use her religion against her. Maybe Rampion had gone through the same thing, tried reaping in a sincere way but realized that he had to lie to get the best results. Or did he know from the beginning that it was impossible?
"It was I that asked," he admits but the tone in his voice is still coated in bitter annoyance, "but she would have done the same thing."
I frown. "How do you know that?"
"Because I was her." He sighs, he mutters a few words I cannot catch before he continues, "how many times do I have to explain? When you shapeshift you receive all their memories, their feelings, and personalities. I was her. I was on the inside and controlled her like a game character. But everything she said and did was her. Not me. I made Ewa do what she needed to, to make sure that the old codger would give us his soul. And I know how she thinks, and she'd do the exact same thing even if it meant lying. How hard is that to understand?"
I move close enough to place my hands on the table. "And if those who you shapeshift into would hate you using them in that way?"
I cannot read what he's thinking under the large bear head.
"I take comfort in the fact that I fool them into a better choice. I rather be reborn or taken to a paradise over being a ghost in a hospital. That's something you'll understand eventually."
I've already understood it, and I know that he's right. I'm not even sure why I want him to admit that what he did was wrong. Am I so desperate in being right that I refuse to back down?
I sit down at Sun's chair. "Then how do you choose who you want to shapeshift into?"
I'm tired of this pointless argument.
He moves his shoulders. "I do my research."
"And what does that entail?"
He leans closer and I automatically recoil.
"Arkaros has a library for the dead. You can go there and check for any relatives or friends of the contract. The only rules are that they have to be dead or be a soul wanderer."
The Contract. It sounds unpersonal and leaves a foul feeling in my stomach.
"There's a library in Arkaros?"
For some reason I have a hard time imagining libraries here, that the guardians and creatures read books. There were filled bookcases in Saturn's room, but they felt more like a decoration to make them seem more human.
"Yeah? There's more than one. But this library is for soul wanderers. It's to go through the dead."
"I guess they don't work as regular libraries?"
He shrugs. "It looks like a library, on the inside anyway. With books and stuff, I mean. I'm sure you've realized by now nothing works like it did in the living world."
It was as I'd expected. Here things are familiar enough, however there is something wrong, it twists your entire perception of what is real. Because this place shouldn't be real. Yet it is.
"How does it work?" I ask.
"You open a book and pick a person."
"That's it?"
"Look, if you want a detailed explanation of how literally everything works here then go take a look yourself. Blomst wanted me to explain how reaping works for us under this specific area. That's what I'm doing. I'm not your personal encyclopedia."
I roll my eyes. "Then what can you say? Or are we done here?"
"Soon."
He leans backwards on his chair; it stands unsteadily on its two back legs. "Either way," he takes a deep breath, like he's bored out of his mind. "When you find whoever you want to shapeshift into, you'll need one of their personal belongings to see their memories in the Hall of Memories. Once that is done you can shapeshift. It can be uncomfortable the first times, but you get used to it somewhat."
I try to take in all the information and how complicated it is to shapeshift. Rampion isn't what I'd call a good explainer. He must have noticed the worry in my eyes, he sighs and continues, "you don't have to think too much about it. Shapeshifting isn't something you have to do; it helps building trust between you and the contract."
"And it makes their death feel less hopeless." It wasn't Rampion that spoke. "I've heard."
"Sun," he says and stops rocking the chair, so the two front legs stand firmly on the ground.
Sun sweeps her gaze over us.
"Seems like you can play nice for a while. Surprising."
Rampion makes a low, almost growling sound.
Sun's smile grows. "Watch yourself, you seem too comfortable in that ridiculous costume."
That seemed to have touched a nerve. He raises from his chair, staring her down.
"Don't say that shit to me."
"My apologies. Either way, you are awful at explaining," she says.
I'm surprised that she even apologized. She doesn't seem like the type to. Rampion stares at her for a few seconds longer and then sits down at the chair again, his mood still somewhat soured.
Sun gives me a smile; it doesn't feel as sly as the most she has given me.
"Shapeshifting requires a lot of work. If there's something I've learned, it's that things are rarely simple, definitely not here. It can first seem like that, but when you've been here for longer than you've been alive, you'll notice how complicated things are. Shapeshifting is no different, especially since you take a part of the soul's essence. It'd be easier if we could take the part of the soul you need, but since we all move on or are reborn, you'll have to take that essence from their belongings and memories. Hence why you'll need to make a visit to the library and the Hall of Memories."
"What even is this place?"
"A place of memories," Rampion says.
"Uh, yeah. I figured as much from the name."
Sun sighs. "First and foremost, the Hall of Memories is a building in Arkaros. It's built in two parts. One for beings, to share their memories with others. We're forbidden to wander those halls. The second part of the building is for Soul wanderers to see and live through the memories of the dead. In the past it was common that we gave the hall a part of our soul-dust from our contacts to relive their memories. You can never choose what to relive. The chance of reliving the things you'd like is small. It didn't stop the soul wanderers from trying though. Sometimes they could relieve memories of how it felt like with summer rain against one's skin, a hand in yours or grass under your feet. Other times they went through childbirth, funerals, or the memories of how they died – which was always the newest and clearest ones. You might have to go through the same memories of those people you'd like to shapeshift to. First and foremost, you'll need a belonging of theirs, as well as have seen a depiction of them.
"No soul-dust?"
Sun shakes her head. "No, that is often long lost. Once in the Hall of Memories, after getting your hands on an item of theirs, you'll see a few memories – that you cannot choose – and once you've seen them, you'll have a part of them with you. Not forever, at most a few weeks. Once you shapeshift, you'll need to focus on the memories, how they looked like, who they were and what emotions they carried. I've been told that after you've done it once, the next time will be as easy as to lift a finger. However, shapeshifting can only happen in the living world, there's no point in trying here. If that was the case, I'm sure we'd have a solution for Rampion's... unfortunate situation."
She takes a long look at the bear costume.
I take a deep breath. If I'm unlucky I might relive traumatic memories.
"And their belongings, how do I get them?"
"That's when the library comes in," Rampion mumbles, seemingly bored, "you can create a world of a place they're familiar with."
"Most of the time it's their childhood's home," Sun adds.
"And these objects of theirs, they're not even real?"
"They're real. They're not taken from the living world, that's something we cannot do in most cases. But these objects are very real. Remember that the Realm of the Dead isn't using the same rules as the living world is. All you need to do is find the person you'd like to shapeshift to in one of the library's books, and head to the Hall of memories to visit the world of the person, and then reliving their memories. It can both be done in the same room. The rest will fall into place by itself, here you learn by trusting your intuition."
I have a hard time understanding how it cannot be anything else but a copy of their possession. It has not touched the dead, nor will it exist until I create the world. But I cannot forget that Sun has lived in these worlds for hundreds of years, she has learnt how the rules in the realm work. She's more familiar with this world than the one she once belonged to.
"Do you understand what you'll have to do now?" she asks.
"Kind of."
There are still some things that I don't understand. Maybe it's like Sun says, that I'll just need to trust my intuition to fill those parts. I've noticed it before, how much I need to trust my intuition in these worlds.
"She at least doesn't look as confused anymore," Sun says and glances at Rampion that has sunk further down in his chair.
"Just really fucking bored," he says sluggishly, "which one becomes with your overly long explanations."
She glares at Rampion with her ancient-looking eyes. It makes me wonder how old she is, not how old she was when she died – that's easy to figure out by just looking at her – but how long she's been here. The beautiful blue dress makes me think of the medieval times. That would make her six hundred, maybe even seven hundred years old. The knowledge she must have, everything that she must have seen even if she didn't live through it. Clover mentioned how much the world changed in only a hundred years. She must have almost been born at the same time as the Raven, yet it was likely there was a few hundred years between them.
"I have a question for you, Sun."
Rampion turns his large head to look at me.
"You may ask, but I cannot promise I'll have an answer for you."
"Have you received a proposition from the guardians yet?"
Sun smiles a knowing, yet curious smile. It's hard to read, but it seems like I've caught her attention.
"Proposition?" Rampion asks.
"Curious." She leans closer. "How can a soul wanderer that has just finished their appre... Ah, Clover."
She sighs and shakes her head. Rampion looks at the pathway that leads out of their little hidden corner, like he was expecting to see Clover there. I don't need to turn to know that he's not there, he'll avoid the Eleven to the best of his abilities.
"Clover? What the hell are you talking about?"
"Did he tell you about the Raven?" she asks.
"Yes. That he accepted the proposition after years of saying no," I say.
She laughs bitterly. "He did. For years he declined it, and then suddenly from nowhere he just..."
She raises her chin with her jaw firmly locked. She's still clinging onto the Raven's death. But what is fifty when you've lived six hundred years?
"What the hell are you talking about?" Rampion asks again, this time louder.
Sun pushes a hand against her face, a way of hiding the all too clear anger. After a while she lowers her hand and lets her arms hang limply on her sides. Her face is still tense, but her eyes look surprisingly young.
"We're speaking of an old friend. The Raven was the oldest soul wanderer... until he decided to accept the proposition for his own funeral."
"His funeral? What does that mean?"
Not even Rampion knew. They hadn't even told someone who had been here for three years about the proposition.
"Once you reach your two-hundred year you'll receive a proposition. You'll have the right to renounce your role as a soul wanderer. If you accept, you'll move on like the souls we've reaped, and a large funeral will be held. The Raven accepted the proposition and left us."
The last words are coated with a venomous wrath.
"And have you gotten this proposition?" Rampion asks.
If anything, I'd think that Rampion would be the most excited for the proposition, yet he only sounds disgusted. Maybe I had misunderstood his relationship with Sun.
"I'm over six hundred years, Rampion. I've received that proposition since the end of the fifteenth-hundreds."
Rampion kicks the table hard enough that it hits my shin.
Sun raises her eyebrows slightly. "That wasn't the reaction I had expected."
"Huh, how did you think I'd react? First they force us to reap souls for two hundred years and then they keep nagging us each year that we should die instead?"
"A lot of us accepts the first proposition, and those who say no tend to accept it a hundred years or so later. That's why there's so few of us that are older than three hundred. If any of us would accept the proposition, I'd believe it would be you, Rampion."
She points at his costume.
Even I'd say yes if I was offered, not that it would be something that I'd tell anyone. If it was common for them to accept the first proposition, then I wasn't alone in this longing after rest.
"The Raven said he'd never accept it, that there was something captivating with living for eternity."
"Did they force him?"
That question burns the inside of my stomach.
"No, he made the choice himself. Said something about being tired and that it was time. He was even bold enough to ask me to visit his funeral."
"And you didn't go?" I ask.
"Why would I? In my eyes he betrayed me the moment he accepted the proposition."
Rampion turns his head towards Sun, I cannot see him inside of the costume, but I know he's worried.
I didn't even know she had this side of her.
Author's note: This was hell to edit and translate. Hence why it's a day late.