The night was warm. The windows were shut so no bugs would fly in and they had let the AC run to keep them cool throughout the night, as Alex had been complaining about the heat. Usually, in a chill room, neither of them had trouble sleeping but for some reason, Thomas could feel his bedmate stir beside him. The jostling, slowly irritating him. The clock on the nightstand glowed the number 00:47 in bright blue, meaning they had gone to bed about three hours ago. He huffed trying to get back to sleep, when he heard a faint groan, almost as if it was muffled. Thomas strained his ear for a moment, curious, then heard quick and shallow breathing. What the hell? Before Jefferson could think his next thought his partner let out a pained moan followed by a small whimper.
Something was wrong.
The Virginian sat up and turned around, to see his lover curled into himself, his chest rising fast but his breaths were deep now. Was he having a nightmare?
"Alex? Darling?"
He reached for the other's upper arm feeling how hot the skin under his fingers was.
"It's okay Darling, it's just a dream." He quietly tried to reassure him.
But to his surprise came a strained, "No, it's not."
"Alex. You're awake? What's going on?" The darker man quickly looked for the other man's eyes but he was too curled in on himself, his eyes shut.
Alexander was quiet, his labored breathing the only sound in the room.
"Hey, hey, Alex. Darling, talk to me."
He gently helped the younger man to face him, prying his arms open. Even in the darkness of the room, there were obvious tear streaks on the Caribbean man's cheeks. Thomas wiped them with his hands and he could feel his lover's face was very warm to the touch, almost like a fever.
"Sweetheart, what going on?"
Hamilton sniffled, his teary eyes glinting in the dark.
"I-uh, I think she's coming." He stammered.
"Oh. Uh..." Thomas was actually speechless. He had no idea what to actually do in this situation.
"I'm scared Thomas."
"Me too Darling, me too. But it'll be fine." The taller man hugged him. "I- are you having contractions?" He asked, suddenly feeling very warm himself.
Alexander nodded, wiping at his nose with his bare wrist.
"Okay, we should probably time them, then."
"Last time, they were about ten minutes apart." His eyes kept averting the taller man's gaze.
"Good...good... Last time? How long ago was last time?" At that moment it hit him, that the brunet had already gone through several painful contractions, right next to him. Trying to be as quiet as possible.
"Just about two minutes ago. I think?"
Two minutes ago? The moan, the whimper, the quick breathing.
"Jesus Christ, that was a contraction just then? Alex, we need to go to the hospital. We're having a baby!"
The last sentence came out a bit louder than he had intended, quickly Jefferson jumped to his feet, and rummaged around for something to wear. "Gosh, I never thought she'd be born in Virginia." He kept mumbling as he found his pants and a shirt.
"What do you mean?" Alex's frightened voice piped up.
"We're going to Charlottesville Hospital Alex, we are in Virginia."
"No."
"Whadda ya mean no? It's 15 minutes away, they'll take care of you, and we'll be parents by the morning."
"I need dr Hosack, Thomas." He stammered again.
"We'll call her, and have her talk with the doctors on the phone, I'm sure it'll be fine."
"No, Thomas. You don't understand. They don't know me. They know nothing about this pregnancy, they will mutilate me." Tears once again fell down his cheeks.
"Alex, you can't be serious. Driving back to New York is gonna be at least 5 hours. That's hours of pain for you."
This caused the younger man to pause. He knew Jefferson was right but the fear was stronger than him.
"I can take it." He wiped at his eyes, his jaw, firm. Faking confidence.
Thomas grabbed Alexander's face gently, staring into his eyes.
"But you don't have to."
"I don't trust them." He begged. "Like you said, it's going to be hours until anything happens. My water hasn't broken yet. We can make it."
Keeping his hold on his partner's cheeks, the Virginian sighed, and looked down between them, before looking back up.
"Why are you so stubborn?"
He didn't even wait for Alex to respond, instead, he went to their dresser and pulled out a change of clothes for the younger man.
"Come." He unfolded a pair of pants, presenting them to him. "We might as well get dressed. It's gonna be a long ride."
Alex got off the bed, and shuffled over as Thomas, gathered up one of the pant legs for the brunet to slip into. "Thanks." He grabbed onto Jefferson's forearms for support as he inserted his left leg in first. He waited for Thomas to gather the other pant leg and just as he slipped his right leg in, a contraction, interrupted the moment. Not yet used to the sudden onset of pain, Alexander's grip tightened onto Thomas' forearms, leaving crescent-shaped indents in his skin with thin flakes torn off. He instinctively shut his eyes as his breathing picked up, short and erratic.
"Hey, hey, Alex. Don't do that. You're going to make yourself pass out." The taller man frantically looked for his gaze.
"Alex. Open your eyes, please."
Reluctantly, he did as asked, tears clear as day rimming his bottom lids.
"Hurts." He winced, still breathing fast.
"I know just, focus on me. Darling. Can you hear me? Focus on me. Follow how I'm breathing."
He asked, as he distinctly began to breathe deeply in through his nose and out through his mouth. Making sure to maintain eye contact. One of his hands, having landed on his lover's midsection, he could feel the bump had turned rock hard. Hesitantly, Hamilton tried his best to mimic Thomas, a tear tardily falling down his cheek, as he could feel himself calm down. As finally, the pain dissipated.
There was a beat, as both men stood there, breathing in deeply, and slowly, their arms intertwined.
"Are you sure you really wanna do this? This is going to be a long night, Alex."
Jefferson stared deep into his partner's soul.
The younger man nodded his head - yes - as a signal to keep going.
"How long was it now? In, between them, I mean."
"Still ten minutes." Alexander confirmed, after a quick glance at the clock.
"Ok, let's go."
***
They'd gotten in the car as fast as they could, completely neglecting their belongings. Jefferson would just have to ask some of his staff to ship their luggage back to New York. He wondered how he was going to drive them back in time and in one peace, his hands on the wheel were already drenched in sweat.
Alexander on his end was quiet on his side of the car. Phone in hand, as Thomas had quickly installed a contraction tracking app on the younger man's phone.
"Keep track of them with this." He instructed. "It'll help you stay focused."
He did as he was told, logging the contractions in as they came, monitoring their length and the intervals between them. Whenever one of them hit, Thomas could hear the even breathing in the passenger seat. He was glad to see Alex had stuck to it. But he did feel like it was too quiet for some reason.
They hadn't put on any music, too frightened and stressed to even think about it. But aside from Hamilton's occasional controlled breathing, Thomas had expected, grunts, moans, or whatever other sign of distress one could produce in this situation. And yet, it was completely quiet between the two of them. He took a quick glance at his lover, going too fast to be able to have a proper look, but he saw it. He saw the grimace of pain on his partner's face. Eyes closed, brows furrowed slightly, flared nostrils, and a subtle downturn at the corners of his lips. Thomas' heart ached. All he wanted to do right now was, hug the other man, comfort him, and take the pain away somehow. Just so the other wouldn't have to experience it.
Alexander was forcing himself to be quiet, that was obvious. But why?
"Alex, Darling? You alright?"
A vague hum, of what he supposed was affirmation, was all he got in response.
"Alex, don't lie to me."
He hated that he couldn't see the other man's face, having to focus on the road.
"It's alright, Thomas." The restraint in his voice was clear. "It's alri-argh!"
The younger man was cut off by a contraction, struggling to stay quiet as his fingers blindly worked over the screen of his phone, logging the new contraction in.
"Stop that!"
He was confused at the taller man's words. What had he done wrong?
"I know you're in pain, don't hide it."
Alex kept quiet, making sure his breathing was even, as the other had instructed, but he didn't want to let the extent of his pain show even after he felt the spasm go away.
"I told you, I'm fine." He tried to relax.
"Don't play games with me, Alex! We are not doing this."
Thomas slowed down just enough, to look his partner in the eye. Really, not wanting to turn this into a huge argument. God knows it was the last thing they needed right now but, he couldn't let this go on.
"I'm done with your stoic facade. Trust me. Just once in your life, let your guard down, Alex. This isn't a challenge. It's okay to show weakness."
He tried to reassure and be as honest as he could while also trying not to offend the other man. But this really wasn't the time to die on this hill of subterfuge that the brunet had created throughout his life.
"NO! I can't. It'll distract you."
"Cut the crap. I don't give a shit."
Alexander looked back at Thomas' eyes, full of fear and despair. Fighting his inner demons not wanting to let go of this image he had created for himself. That's what it truly was. It wasn't for others to see, so they wouldn't think of him any less. It was for his own selfish illusion of control, that he could handle anything. Not wanting to believe there is something in this world he finally has no control over, and no amount of poise was going to help.
One last time he shared a look with the older man before Thomas slammed on the gas once more. Felling the heat of tears coat his oily cheeks as his dam broke. A guttural, visceral, almost animalistic groan, scratched at the confines of his phlegmy throat as the next contraction followed.
*
After a solid three hours on the road, they had traveled just over half the way heading towards Wilmington DE. Thomas was certain he'd never made the drive so fast in his life, praying in the back of his mind to not get pulled over. The clock on the radio flashing 04:29 A.M. was no surprise as the sky began to turn a lighter shade of blue, the sun ready to rise in the next hour or so. Alexander's contractions were coming in just about six minutes apart now, and he'd be damned if he admitted it, but Alex was right. His increasing distress was getting harder to ignore and Thomas wasn't sure how long he could endure listening to it. He took it upon himself to finally phone Dr. Hosack, not looking forward to the earful he was going to get about their decision, but what's done was done. He couldn't change it.
The dial tone rang, deafening, as the call connected itself to the car's sound system. The good doctor, finally picking up after five rings.
"You did what?!"
"I couldn't persuade him, Daniela. Alright?!" This had been the only time Thomas had called their doctor by her first name, his frazzled brain, firing on all cylinders.
"Nevermind... How far out, are you two?" She knew there was no point in arguing over the phone.
"About a hundred-and-thirty miles? Should be about another two or three hours. I was just calling to tell you we're on our way."
"Right, thanks then. Alexander, how are you feeling?" She asked, knowing he could hear her.
"...'m tired... hurts..." He mumbled.
Thomas was breaking apart, hearing how shattered his lover sounded.
"Now, I know. It won't be much longer, the OR will be ready by the time you arrive. Do you feel like anything is out of the ordinary? That you feel is wrong?"
"...n'gh...uh, 'm thirsty."
"Thomas, have you got a bottle of water? I wouldn't advise him to drink anything else."
"I'll get some." He reassured.
"Good, has his water broken yet?"
"Erm... no, No, it hasn't."
"That's good. Hopefully, it shouldn't happen before you get here, but it won't hurt to keep an eye out. For now, I think that's all."
"Alright. Thank you."
The taller man ended the call, his eyes quickly shifting to the passenger seat as a contraction came, and he could see, how exhausted the other was. Not only in his posture but, the sound he made, was different than before like he didn't have the strength to produce it.
"My mouth is like velcro..." The words were almost like a whisper, dry and weary.
As soon as he could, Thomas made a bee-line for the closest gas station, to buy some water. He parked as close as he could not even bothering to cut the engine, it couldn't have been more than five minutes, and yet by the time he got back. Alex had managed to exit the car, holding onto the door's frame for support, his legs feeble.
"What are you doing, get back in the car!" The Virginian's words were more concerned than angry.
"Ngh-no. Wait..." Alexander begged out of breath. "I just- the seat, I'm uncomfortable. I need to stand a second."
This had been the longest sentence the younger man had uttered in the last two hours. His visage was worse for wear, his skin covered in a thick film of sweat, droplets beading up at his temples. With his sleeve, Thomas wiped some of it of and rested his hand against the other's forehead.
"Jesus Christ, Alex. You're burning up."
All the other could do right now, was pant.
"Here, drink."
Thomas unscrewed the cap of the small water bottle he had bought, gently helping the other drink, trying not to spill. He screwed the cap back on just when another spasm seized his partner's middle. Alexander bent over, hands supporting his heavy stomach as he felt his knees give underneath him. His moans sounded more like laments, cries of pain so unbearable, that Thomas had to help him stand.
The brunet buried himself in the other man's chest, his snotty face staining Jefferson's zip-up hoodie. His breathing was ragged, unable to keep up the even breaths from before. And just as the contraction hit its climax, Alex let out the most pitiful cry of the night, almost resting his whole weight on Thomas, grabbing at his sleeves with all he had. Even after it had dissipated, Alex needed a moment before he could stand.
"Oh no..."
The small voice almost didn't register in Thomas's ears.
"What? What's wrong?"
He helped the brunet to his feet, once again supporting himself with the frame of the car and Thomas could see. The slowly growing wet stain on the light gray of his lover's sweatpants.
"Shit..."
They really had to get going now. The taller man tried to ease Alex back into his seat, but the other stayed put. "No, I'll ruin the seat." Without a second thought, Thomas ripped the hoodie off his shoulders and threw it onto the passenger seat, they didn't have time to argue now.
"I'll be fine, Alex. Now, we need to get going."
He eased the man into his seat and hurried to get back behind the wheel, rushing out of the parking lot so fast, that his tires screeched.
*
After the grueling hours on the road, they had finally made it back to the city, taking little comfort in the knowledge they'd be at the hospital in the next twenty minutes, as the six o'clock sun outlined the orange horizon. Alexander was sobbing hard, bent over himself as his contractions were now three minutes apart, the pain, unfathomable. The woeful sight in the passenger seat engraved in Thomas' memory forever, was causing tears of his own to prick at his eyes. He had spent the last 5 hours of the night listening to his lover cry by his side, unable to help or console him in any way, each contraction - torture in its own right.
Finally, at the entrance, Thomas ran around to the passenger side, to help the other walk but, it didn't matter. The spasms had weakened him so much, that the brunet couldn't even stand. Not wasting any more time, Thomas, took him into his arms, bridal style, and rushed inside, to a team waiting, a wheelchair at their side. Alexander grabbed onto his partner with all his might, frightened beyond belief. He didn't want to go. He wasn't ready. But there was no more time to wait, the longer he waited the more in pain he'd be. Their baby, insisting on making her grand entrance.
The hospital staff tore him away from Thomas, and once sat down, wheeled him to be prepared for the OR. Jefferson rushed after them close behind but was stopped once they reached the prep area.
"I'm sorry sir but you're going to have to wait here."
"What? NO! I have to go in! I have to be with him!" He tried to push past but the staff pulled him back.
"This is an emergency cesarian, sir. We do not have time to prepare and sterilize you as well, please step back."
They promptly closed the heavy double doors in his face.
Thomas was left there to stand by himself, for however long the operation was going to take, and he couldn't even be present. He wasn't by Alex's side like he had promised him. He wasn't going to witness his little girl be born. Hear her first cry. See her open her eyes for the first time. After all this time, he was going to miss the most important part...
No, he wasn't gonna miss this. He couldn't.
The Virginian pushed the door and slipped inside. Instantly he was being held back by other staff, stopping him from going any further. He fought his way through, stopping at the OR door, watching through the small glass window, as doctors prepared to start. A hubbub arose as the hospital staff, pestered Jefferson to leave. Prompting Dr. Hosack to leave the OR to sort things out.
"What is going on here?!" She demanded.
"We're extremely sorry, ma'am, but this man does not want to leave."
The small interaction reminded her of the day she had met the eccentric pair and remembered how stubborn Jefferson could truly be. She debated whether, to have him be escorted out or let him watch, and looking at how disheveled he looked, she couldn't bring herself to follow hospital rules.
"Let him be." She finally ordered. "But don't you dare cross this door." She threatened.
Thomas, watched as Hosack went back inside, followed by her team, and stood by watching it unfold. The sight of Alexander, unconscious on the table wrung at his heart, but it was probably better, knowing in how much pain he was.
Quietly, he watched, as a huddled group of people in scrubs, rummaged about the lifeless form of his lover, watching the other's body budge and sway with their every tug, long dried tear streaks on his face. It was impossible to see past their monotoned backs when finally, after about forty minutes of waiting. He saw small, limp, and ashen-colored libs, in Dr. Hosack's hands. Tears spilled from his eyes, as he watched the tiny body be passed around to a waiting pair of hands with a towel, and once wrapped. A sharp wail finally erupted from a strong pair of lungs, as her hands and feet began to agitate around.
There she was. And Alex wasn't even awake to see it, the thought piercing his heart even deeper. He kept on watching, as the surgeons worked to sew Alex back together, when right beside him the doors opened. A nurse passed by, his daughter, wrapped in her arms.
"Follow me, please. Sir."
She spoke without missing a beat, so much so, that it almost didn't register in Thomas' ears. He jerked into action, following her to a secluded room, with a single hospital bed and an armchair next to it.
"If I could ask you, to remove your shirt and sit down please." She motioned to the armchair.
Uncertain of what was happening Thomas obliged nonetheless, sitting shirtless in the chair. Once comfortable the nurse, began to explain.
"We practice skin-to-skin contact immediately after birth but, seeing as your partner is still in surgery. We ask the dads to step in, if necessary. I'm going to lay her, on your chest and then I'll bring a few towels for the room. You'll be staying here, for a few days."
Her words were flawless, practically rehearsed, and sadly void of emotion. Doing exactly what she had said as she had said it, gently laying their naked daughter on his bare chest, and leaving right after.
Thomas froze, terrified to make a move. His hands, shaking, as he held the incredibly small, clammy body that lay on his torso. He couldn't help but stare at her, as her small squished features moved, displeased with her new environment. Her unfathomably tiny fist, rubbing at her cheek. Out of curiosity, Thomas slipped his index between her tiny fingers and she instantly held on, her grasping reflex kicking in.
An indescribable feeling bubbled within him, as the realization that this was truly happening overwhelmed him. As he then looked about the empty room blearily and loathed that Alex wasn't there. This was supposed to be their moment to share. Not his alone. He couldn't help but feel guilty, to be the first one to have the chance to interact with their daughter, but pinned under her, he was left to the mercy of the staff. Having no clue what will happen next.