I woke up feeling exhausted. All my muscles ached from the long walks and sleeping on the hard floor. My head still pounded and my eyes burned. I'd also developed a stuffy nose and a tickle in my chest that gave me the constant feeling that I needed to cough.
Internally, I was clear-headed, but that simply made everything worse. I felt as though my dreams were still clinging to me like sticky threads of gum stuck to the bottom of my shoe. I had to focus on what came next, I couldn't look back. It was getting harder to process everything that had happened.
I knew it was daytime. Dim, grey light brightened the room around me as I sat up and looked around. It surprised me a little to also see that I was alone, though I could hear voices from what I assumed was the church's hall.
I was going to join them, but I took a moment for myself. Reaching for my backpack, I searched through the contents until I found the object I was looking for. I held it gingerly in my hands, stroking the cold metal with the lightest of touches.
With everything that had happened, I'd nearly forgotten Chris's watch. Not that long ago, it had been my closest daytime companion – but that was a different life.
My heart squeezed with the shadow of pain the sight of it gave me. Even still, I gave it a soft kiss before getting myself situated and standing up. Making sure I had everything, I hauled my backpack over my shoulders and checked the safety of my gun in my waistband. My hands were occupied with the ice pick and watch.
It was odd seeing both objects in my hands. Something about it felt wrong. They both had made significant impacts on my life, but in that same way, they were like repelling magnets – they were never meant to meet. It was that thought that steeled my decision.
Rather than heading towards the front of the church, I found a door that led to the back. After weaving through a few corridors, I found the backdoor and unlocked it, stepping out into the cold winter air.
The snow was patchy, having melted in a few places. It made it easier to find a good spot. An ash tree stood close to the church and while it cast some shade, there was still a small area near its base where the snow has mostly melted.
I walked over to it and went to my knees. With a firm grip on my ice pick, I used it to dig at the earth. When I was satisfied that I'd made a big enough hole, I carefully placed the watch inside it.
"Goodbye," I told it, covering it with dirt, grass, and snow.
There were no lingering looks. No deep regrets or tears left to be shed. I had to keep moving. I had to go forward and focus on the future. I needed to survive.
And there are still people waiting for me.
My mom and my sister still lived. Where before I hadn't let myself think too much about them. I now had to let my hope of finding them fuel my will to survive. As I heard the church door open behind me, I also reminded myself that there were people counting on me to hold myself together.
I stood and faced Ian right as he reached me.
"You good?" he asked with a mixture of concern and curiosity.
I wasn't. I wasn't sure I ever would be again.
Still, I smiled. "I'm good."
---
For fucks sake.
Hours had passed and I nearly found myself regretting burying the watch just so I couldn't point out to the group how much time they had wasted. It became apparent in the first five minutes of us all sitting down together that none of them knew exactly what to do next.
But they all have a lot of opinions.
"Really," Prisha added for what must have been the fiftieth time. "There has to be some kind of camping store or something that hasn't been picked over."
Ray scoffed, causing Prisha to give him a scathing look. Ray held up his hands. "Sorry," he said, trying to appease her. "I am serious though. Everything around here has been heavily picked over. People have been at it for months – there's nothing left."
"Are you sure?" Paula seemed more worried than actually doubtful of the validity of Ray's words. "There could be more houses like Carlos's and mine."
Ian stood with his arms crossed but a smile painted on, making it impossible for me to read how he was really feeling. "There probably are," he said. "But it would be like finding a needle in a haystack and the longer we stay here, the more likely we're going to run into more people."
I covered a cough but nodded in agreement. We needed to move on to a less populated area to hunt for supplies.
Or...
I hadn't voiced my thoughts to the group, but I hadn't forgotten that Ray had mentioned that he might have known a place where we could acquire food. However, I knew it would likely require stealing and I wasn't quite comfortable with that.
Carlos and Paula had been a saving grace in terms of supplies, but they had packed for two. And there were six of us.
I eyed Prisha in her polar fleece and had to fight down the rising resentment that we would have to find a complete set of gear for her as well.
She hadn't even had a weapon.
Evidently, she'd made it out of Colorado in a car and had managed to get all the way to Chicago before everything – including the group she was with – fell apart. She'd spent the last week hiding in buildings around the area until, as she was moving on to another house, she ran into Ian and Ray. It seemed neither one of them had had the stomach to turn her away when she asked for help.
I couldn't truly blame them for it – especially because she'd seen something the rest of us hadn't.
Zombies.
Carlos, unexpectedly, even seemed to believe zombies may have been a part of some kind of conspiracy or big cover-up by the government. He explained that he was a seventh-grade math teacher and was far more comfortable in dealing with provable facts, probabilities, and seeing things with his own eyes rather than believing in the rumors of zombies. That was met with another nudge from Paula. However, as Prisha had told us stories of what the zombies were like, I could see the fear in Carlos's eyes. It was clear what was really holding him back from his acceptance of the truth.
After all, we had all seen the last bits of news footage before the feeds had cut out.
Prisha said that the zombies were every bit as terrifying as what we'd seen on the news. She'd told us that once a person was bitten, there was no hope. A person would die within hours and reanimate with voracious hunger. They couldn't run very fast, but they were relentless in their pursuit.
The thought of them had me spooked, but not any more so than I had been before. After all, we still had bigger problems to deal with.
I needed to focus on getting east and not be scared of what was on the other end. I thought of my sister. We looked similar but were always so different. I missed the way she'd sometimes snark at my silliness. Being somewhat close in age, as we'd grown up, there were times when people had thought she was the older sister due to her maturity – though that might have also been because she'd grown to be taller. Even still, I did all the nurturing when our single mom was working.
I also hadn't heard a word from my mom since Massachusetts fell. After my dad had died, she had stepped up to the plate, acting as the ship's captain to guide us through even the roughest storms. I had to believe my sister was with her and they were keeping each other safe.
In my heart, I believed that even if I'd lost Chris, they were still out there. Not even something like zombies could stop them. More than ever before, I had to feel hope.
"What do you think?" Carlos asked, looking at me expectantly.
"Huh?" I blinked in surprise, realizing I'd missed a part of the conversation.
Ian snickered a little.
Ray, however, didn't seem to mind repeating himself. "I said that I think we should get a move on, but not everybody agrees. I mean, I think we should at least find a less drafty building to stay in."
"Who doesn't agree?" It sounded good to me.
Prisha let out a sigh. "I never said we had to stay here. I just said I don't think we should plan any long trips without supplies."
"Okay," I said, rising from the pew I'd been sitting in. "So, let's head out then. We can find a different place to stay and then tonight we can discuss our plans to go east. Everyone okay with that?"
Prisha pursed her lips a little. She hadn't loved the idea of going east, but like Carlos and Paula and even Ray, it seemed like she didn't quite know what else to do. What I believed they all could agree on was that their best odds of survival would come from us all working together. As long as that was the case, I was getting a growing feeling that they'd follow me east as long as I was determined to go there.
No one objected. "Alright then. Let's double-check we have anything and get going before the daylight is gone."
I had slept more than half the day away, but Ian had insisted that no one wake me. I'd almost wished they'd had as our time to move was now far shorter than I would have liked. As people moved about to gather their things, I fished around my backpack and pulled out the wrench.
Prisha, who'd been standing off to the side, eyed it warily but took it from me without complaint.
"Thanks." She sounded grateful even through her distaste.
"Sure."
I went to the front doors with Ian keeping in step with me. "You seem better," he said quietly enough to keep it between us, even as others started to follow us outside. "Ready to tell me about what really happened yesterday?"
Carlos and Paula had told him a watered-down version of what had happened after I had gone to sleep. They had painted me as a kind of savior. I wasn't prepared for how grateful they actually seemed to be towards me after I'd awakened. I'd gone to bed thinking I'd been forced into some kind of dirty business transaction, but they had managed to convince themselves that I was their saving grace. Maybe it had been to appease their own guilt about how everything had gone down, but I was too stun-locked to call them on it. I also wasn't super keen on rehashing it.
"I don't know what else there is to say." I started walking down the road with Ian hot on my heels and the others dragging a little farther behind.
"Well, I think it's pretty simple. Did they or did they not make you kill people?" He waited for me to respond but I chose to keep my eye out for any signs of life as we walked instead. "Do you want them coming with us?"
My steps nearly faltered, but I caught myself and gave Ian a look. "I would have said something if I didn't."
Ian nodded, returning my look with one of his own. "You could keep their stuff without keeping them you know."
I did stop then, giving him my fiercest glare before resuming walking. "Jesus, Ian. Was it really necessary to say that?"
He shrugged. "Maybe. I'm just trying to get a sense of where your head's at."
His response caught me off guard. I struggled to come up with any kind of answer for him. I wasn't even entirely sure how I was really feeling about things anymore.
Ian smiled a little. "It's fine if you don't want to talk about it. Just let me know if you do."
"They didn't make me kill anyone." For some reason, I didn't want to hold it in anymore. "They just put me in a position where there weren't many options. People were going to break into their house and I don't know if we could have gotten out if I hadn't..."
"If you hadn't killed anyone?"
"Yeah."
We walked in silence for a number of steps, listening for any people in the distance. Ian's lack of judgement towards my actions helped. It helped more than I'd expected, but I still felt shame sitting heavy in my chest.
"Do you think you could have gotten out of there without killing anyone?"
Ian's question was the same one I had been avoiding asking myself all day. Heat rose to my cheeks. "I don't know."
Maybe I could have.
I could feel Ian looking at me, but I kept my eyes looking dead ahead. He let out a small sigh, turning away to gaze down an alleyway as we passed.
"It's okay to want to live."
My heart did what felt like a summersault. It was like he was throwing me a life raft I hadn't even realized I needed.
I took it.
"I did want to," I told myself more than him.
I knew without even looking that Ian was smiling. "Then that's all that matters."
I let out a breath I hadn't even realized I was holding.
"And Kate?" He spoke again, sounding much more somber. "I'm sorry about Chris."
We walked a few more steps, understanding each other's grief. "Me too."
---
The sky had begun to look ominous when we heard a chorus of voices. They sounded like they could have only been a few blocks away and seemed to have no fear of volume control. We quickly made the choice to hide in the next house we'd found.
The place had multiple broken windows and had been picked clean. The people who'd ransacked it had made an absolute mess, tossing things every which way and leaving muddy footprints everywhere. Only the fine layer of dust told us that none of what had happened was recent.
Like we had done in most houses, we chose to bunker down in the family room, but the space was crowded with the six of us. None of us really complained, however, as our close proximity helped fend off the worst of the chill.
As we settled down and Ray took watch at the window in the room, we began to discuss the future. I could no longer be evasive or hesitant. I needed everyone to be on the same page as me. If they were indecisive, I needed them to follow.
Ray had already somewhat agreed to my plan. So had Ian... maybe. Ian had a pretty solid idea of what my plans were, but I was struggling to remember if he'd actually ever agreed to them or if I'd simply assumed. I knew he'd promised to get me to Chris, but he fulfilled the promise. There wasn't any real guarantee he'd want to continue on in the same direction. I knew he wanted to go east too, but after yesterday, I'd learned the importance of clarifying what exactly east meant.
"I'm going to Massachusetts," I told them, keeping my voice sturdy despite the worries stirring in my belly. I felt a tickle in my chest but hid it by clearing my throat. "I have family there."
Ian leaned back in his chair with his lips curled up in the usual way they did, but he seemed to be studying me. I had a feeling he and I were both thinking back on the last time I'd been so forceful with making others follow my plans.
Abby. Mark. Owen.
"Does anyone here have any of their own plans?"
It will never happen again.
Prisha piped up. "Aren't there zombies out east?"
"Probably." I wasn't about to deny the truth. I didn't want to trick anyone. "But do you think that's any worse than here? Aren't zombies eventually going to make it here too?"
She seemed thoughtful but didn't seem to feel the need to disagree. I had a feeling that whatever had happened to her group had left a lasting impression.
"What about you Paula? Carlos? Any plans or concerns?"
"Yeah," Carlos said. "I have one. Massachusetts is also pretty darn cold. Why not go south? Maybe try for Massachusetts when it gets warmer?"
"We don't know how bad things have gotten to the south-"
He cut me off. "We don't know how bad things have gotten to the east either."
"True." I held up a finger as it looked like he wanted to interrupt me again. "But if both directions hold unforeseen dangers then I'd like to get to my destination sooner rather than later. The more detours, the more likely we'll run into more dangers. Plus, if we go south on foot, it will take most of the winter to get anywhere near mild temperatures anyway. Either way – we are in for a hard winter."
Carlos seem to chew over my words but nodded.
"Alright, any more concerns?" I asked, looking to see Ray shake his head.
No one spoke up.
"Let's vote then. If you are willing to go to Massachusetts, raise your hand."
Ray raised his first. Paula and Carlos whispered to each other and then raised their hands together in near-perfect tandem. Prisha seemed a little nervous looking at all of the raised hands. It took her a little longer, but eventually, she raised her hand as well.
All that was left was Ian.
I knew he was scrutinizing me. I'd felt his gaze on my face the whole time. When I finally met his dark eyes, I got the distinct impression he was sizing me up, trying to read me like I was him.
He gave me a wide smile that didn't quite reach his eyes. "Well, you know I'm in."
"Okay then," I said, quirking an eyebrow at him in bewilderment. "Right. Then we'll set out first thing tomorrow."
"But what about supplies?" Prisha asked.
"We'll go a few more towns and try again once we've made a little distance. It's just too risky here." I looked around the room, avoiding Ian. "Everyone okay with that?"
"Yeah, that's fine. But we might have a problem," Ray said, glancing between me and the window.
I sighed, causing myself to have a coughing fit that I covered with the inside of my elbow. "What is it?" I asked once the fit settled down.
"It's snowing."
I moved to the window and, sure enough, there were flurries dancing about outside the window.
"It doesn't look too bad." I regretted the words as soon as they'd left my mouth. They had felt like a jinx and, like a prophecy fulfilled, a few hours later those same flurries turned into an all-out blizzard.