"You've got the same smile you had before. It's just laying, what I adore. Save me, 'cause I'm still sinking and we've got a harbor close to shore."
____________________
The midday sun reflects off the white snow, it's bright and it's blinding. The air is so cold every large, inhaling breath stings a bit.
I swallow hard, squinting my eyes a bit to try and see better in front of me. Bloody fuck why is it so sunny? I thought funerals were always supposed to be dark and gloomy.
The Priest declares what a tragic loss this is. How heaven gained another angel, how God picked another flower, how Rosalie Evans will be dearly missed. She is now the dearly departed.
As I look around at the seven or so people that surround my mothers grave, I'm met with dry eyes and indifferent faces.
Is this man aware that he's not even telling a good lie?
Lily, along with Petunia and their parents stand across from me. All of them have their eyes cast on the freshly dug hole that the black casket lies in. James is standing next to Lily, his arm delicately wrapped around her waist, concern in the lines of his forehead.
One of my mothers friends—who I do not know the name of—picks the petals off of yellow roses and tosses them on the casket.
Remus stands besides me, a safe three inches to my left. Instead of examining at his face I decide to look at his feet. They're pointed towards me.
The Priest clears his throat and it's now that I realize he's asked me a question. "I'm sorry, I wasn't paying attention," I mutter not exactly meeting his surprised gaze.
He clears his throat, "Quite alright," —although his tone says otherwise— "I said, would you like to say a few words, considering you're her daughter..."
My face contorts in an odd way at the idea.
The others look at each other, unsure.
"Yeah, sure," I decide. Now I look at Remus, who's already looking at me. He smiles gently, reassuringly. "My mother was a...an uhh...an enigmatic woman. No one was ever able to decipher what went through her mind, the only person that was ever able to even get close was my father. She fought her battles silently and when she suffered she did it in the same way. Er- I honestly believe she did the best she was capable of at raising me, and by some miracle it was enough. There are so many things I wish I could ask her...but I guess that's a moot point now. Yeah, um, rest in peace mum."
James begins to clap, but stops when he realizes Lily is shaking her head.
Remus reaches for my hand and gently squeezes it as a silent 'good job'. I don't force him to let go. Instead, I let him hold it. I am so tired of letting go.
I am so tired and I want to go home.
My mother was never much comfort, but I wish that I could crawl into that casket with her so she can hold me forever.
☽☽☽
"You all really didn't have to come back here with me," I half thank and half discourage. Lily, James and Remus insisted on coming back to my mothers—well, I guess now my— house with me to sort through her belongings.
We all sit in various spots around the living room, the sun making the grey walls look lighter than they really are. Boxes upon boxes clutter the area, blocking Remus from my line of sight.
Lily makes a loud hmph noise, picking up a pair of my mothers pants and examining them. She holds them up next to her head to show me—silently asking if I want them. I shake my head 'no' and she tosses them in a black garbage bag.
"Of course we did, Delia," Lily says disapprovingly. I get the feeling she's growing sick of the walls I put up.
"Yeah and thank Merlin for it," James chimes in from on the couch. He pops a handful of peanuts into his mouth, "You would not have been able to sort out this mess yourself,"
"Well," I take another look around, my mothers entire essence collected in a dozen boxes or so. "Thanks."
"Yup!"
"Yeah,"
"No problem, Delia."
Remus, the last person to speak, lifts the stack of boxes that obscured our sight of each other.
I look up at him from my seat on the floor.
"You don't have to be here."
What are you here for?
What are you here for?
What are you here for?
"Yes, I do,"
He takes the stack of boxes in his arms to the kitchen where the rest of the donation boxes are. My eyes follow him until he turns the corner.
James notices this and gets up from his spot to come and join me on the floor. He leans over close, his voice a harsh mutter, "If you were ever to leave and return a thousand years too late, Remus would still be here waiting."
I let out a wry chuckle, "If I ever leave for a thousand years, I will never return."
☽☽☽
"Can you believe holiday is only two weeks away?" James questions as he pours coffee for Lily, Remus and I.
We sit at the kitchen table after having spent the night here. Me in my room, Lily and James in my mothers and Remus on the couch.
"Can you believe graduation is in only..." Lily does a quick calculation in her head, "Twenty weeks!" she exclaims, victorious. The light catches her hair as she subtly smiles in her own self approval. It looks like a wild fire.
"That's gross don't say that," I groan, dropping my toast on my plate in disgust. Lily and James begin to banter about their future plans.
Remus and I both go to reach for the sugar, our hands accidentally touching.
"Sorry go—" Remus begins.
"Oh-I—" I say at the same time, pulling my hand away.
Remus puts his hands up, as if in defeat, and then slides the sugar in front of me. He takes a swig of the black coffee in his mug, "A little bitterness never hurt anyone,"
He gives me a fucking lopsided grin and I can't help but chuckle at his dumb joke.
"So," Lily claps her hands, popping me out of my almost-bubble. "How's trail prep you two?"
Remus makes an inhaling hissing noise as he scratches the back of his neck.
"I mean," I find myself taking a sip of my coffee before putting sugar in, "The first one was a bit rough but we've met twice since then, tell them, Remus,"
"Yeah," He nods, "They're a bit...gruelling at times, but nothing we can't handle."
"What do you do exactly," James asks with a mouthful of toast, crumbs falling as he speaks.
"I'm sorry, I just can't quite focus when you talk with your mouthful!" Remus grunts, reaching across the table to smack James on the back of the head.
"Oh you little—"James jumps across the table, kicking over a pitcher of orange juice. He tackles Remus and they wrestle on the floor.
"Say sorry!"
"No! You eat like an oaf!"
Lily gets up quickly to try and stop them. "No, leave them be," I say, putting my hand out to stop her.
And we watch and we giggle and they play and they argue.
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short chapter but hey
xxx