unfixable: (adjective)
1. not able to be repaired or put right.
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The last place I wanted to go is home after probation today. Ash fucked my brains out and then walked away, telling me that it's what I wanted. But it's not, it's far from what I want and maybe I should have been clearer with my intentions with him from the start. Open and honest.
Things might have turned out differently if we spoke about what the hell is going on between us and what we want from each other. Because now I know, I know exactly what I want. I was scared, fucking scared to admit these feelings but keeping them inside is not worth this pain of not knowing what we could have been.
I wish that I could go back and force myself to tell him how I really feel. Tell him how he makes me feel and that I've never felt like this with anyone. Guess I was just too terrified to admit the truth, to put my heart on my sleeve and become vulnerable for the first time in my life.
When I leave placement I drag my phone from my pocket and click on my messages, the last person I want to text is Ciara, but I know I need to. I have to put this situation to bed, leave all this crap behind us and move on.
Bodi Hawk
Are you around today at all? Think we should talk.
Her response comes almost instantly and I glance at my phone as I walk down the street.
Ciara Huntsman
Okay, where were you thinking?
Bodi Hawk
Cafe on the highstreet, I'm almost there
Ciara Huntsman
Okay see you in a little while
I head straight for the cafe and get a seat at the back, I didn't want anyone to see us together. Especially not Ash, God forbid if he saw us together, that would be the end of everything.
My eyes are trained on the laminated menu that has various coffee stains across the words. I'm not going to order anything unless they make us, I just needed a central place for us to meet. Somewhere that won't lead to Ciara trying to sleep with me.
I'm sure this cafe is the biggest turn off in the world so I think we're all good.
The door swings open and I turn my attention to the sound of the bell against the wall. Ciara steps into the cafe with her long blonde hair over one shoulder, she's wearing a black playsuit and tortoiseshell sunglasses.
She swipes them to the top of her head as soon as she sees me, face kept in a neutral glance. When she sits I clear my throat and clench my hands together on the table, she can barely look at me.
"I want to apologise for leading you on," I start and watch as her lashes flick up and down. "I want to apologise for the party the other night, I shouldn't have done what I did. Not after telling you that I didn't want anything serious."
Ciara scoffs and adjusts the gold bracelet on her wrist. "Nothing even happened, Bodi. You fucking bolted after three minutes, as per usual. Not sure if that was better than waiting for your dick to get hard."
"You're just not the person for me, Ciara," I exhale slowly. "And I know I'm not the one for you. What you said at the party fucking hurt, you humiliated me in front of everyone to make yourself feel better."
She huffs out a breath and rolls her eyes. "I can't even remember what I said."
I chew down on the skin in my mouth. "Well you weren't very nice, I can tell you that."
Her eyes shoot me a look and I resist the urge to roll my eyes, copying her own actions. "Look Bodi," she mumbles and leans into the table. "I'm just going to be honest with you, I've been sleeping with someone else anyway. You couldn't do the job so I had to get someone too."
My brows raise but I drop them instantly because I don't even care. She studies my face carefully, waiting for the response that she wants but she's never going to get it. I notice her jaw cracks when I don't get mad or start shouting or whatever the fuck she wanted me to do.
"Honestly Ciara, I'm happy for you," I express with a genuine smile. "Seeing other people and getting with other people is good. We weren't exclusive, you're fine to do whatever you want."
Her mouth falls open and she crosses her arms across her chest, face like thunder. "Why did you never like me? What did I ever do to you, Bodi? Tell me!"
"Nothing, Ciara," I exhale slowly. "There is absolutely nothing wrong with you but I just like someone else and I really want to pursue it with them."
"Do I know her?"
My eyes close in defeat and I shake my head. "No you don't know them." I purse my lips instantly, realising that I never specified gender but Ciara tuts and looks at the wall, not picking up on my word choice.
"I don't fucking understand."
"There is nothing to understand," I run a frustrated hand down my face. "It isn't anything to do with you, I promise. I just can't keep lying to myself anymore and whatever this is between us. It just needs to stop, it would probably be best if we didn't see each other for a little bit."
Ciara laughs at my comment. "Well I'm not going to ditch all the parties and gatherings because you'll be there," she spits harshly.
"Fine, I won't go to them," I hold my hands up in defence. I'd rather be with Ash instead anyway, why would I want to be at some party where all my friends try to get with people and all I want is him?
Her eyes remain on my face for a couple seconds, narrowing her gaze into tiny slits. "I didn't even like you that much anyway," her voice raises.
"Okay," I shrug.
A deep grunt escapes her mouth. "Why are you acting so fucking non-responsive?!"
"Because you can get with whoever you want, Ciara. I want you to move on, let all this shit fall behind us because I just want a normal friendship group again. None of this trying to throw each other under the bus, be nasty. We were friends first." I drop my tone to sound less patronising and more relatable but this only infuriates Ciara more.
Her hand slams down onto the table and she pushes the chair out from underneath her, legs scraping against the tiled floors. "Fuck you," she grits out and slides her sunglasses back onto her face. "I can't believe I ever liked you, Bodi. You're an asshole and I wish I never fucking met you. You've ruined everything!"
I blink at her outburst and thank the Gods that the cafe is empty because I could not deal with the embarrassment of a crowd. When I say nothing because I refuse to let her words affect me, she's trying to get me to do something, she wipes her handbag onto her shoulder and struts out of the cafe with a tantrum.
My head falls into my hands instantly and there is a small weight that has been lifted off my shoulders but then I remember that Ash still hates me. I have so much more to fix and I don't even know if he's going to give me the time of day or even forgive me for that matter.
I pull my phone from my pocket and tap at the screen, I have to give it another go or regret all my choices at not trying to salvage this situation.
bodihawk1: I know I fucked up and I hate myself for what happened, I wish I could go back in time and change everything but I can't and I want to fix this, please tell me what I can do to fix this
bodihawk1: You are the only person on this planet that makes me feel like myself
bodihawk1: Knowing that I hurt you is fucking destroying me, please just give me another chance to explain
The messages are read within a couple of minutes and those three dots never appear. Five minutes, then ten ticks by. I groan and lock my phone, dropping it to the table with a loud thud.
"You've fucked everything, Bodi," I mumble to myself, pressing my hands into my face. "Fucked everything like you always do."
I watch the waitress study me from the corner of my eye and I stand from the table, leaving before she makes me buy something. The walk home is boring and I have to stop myself a thousand times from blowing Ash's phone up with more messages.
This situation should confuse the fuck out of me but it doesn't because I know that I want to be with Ash and no one else, it's simple.
There is no comparison in the way he makes me feel when we're together compared to when I've been with other girls, people even. He makes me feel alive, that I'm not some waste of space produced by society. That I matter and I can be seen.
How I threw that all away because I was scared of what my friends would think infuriates me to the core. Should I care what they think?
When I get home I dump my bag on the floor and my father emerges from the living room, a look that makes me regret even coming home.
"Where the hell have you been?"
"I saw a friend before I came home."
My dad's eyebrows fly up to his forehead. "And when did you think to ask me if that was okay?"
"I'm twenty-three dad," I shake my head in utter disbelief.
He steps in my way before I can go up the stairs, my jaw tightens and I look up at him. Hating that he has a few inches on me, when he wants to intimidate me he always tries and towers over me like a little boy.
"A twenty-three year old criminal has no say in what they do after their probation!" He shouts and my body begins to vibrate in anger.
My eyes flick between his frantically, scared that my fist is going to raise and knock him right on the nose. That would never end well. I'm sure he'd ring the police on me if I ever purposely assaulted him, say that he's trying to teach me a lesson but I don't want any lessons from him.
"I am my own person," I grit out and ball my hands into fists. "I'm home, aren't I?!"
"Watch that tone with me, son," he points a finger in my direction, one that I want to snap away from my face.
His eyes are dark and ones that I used to fear but not anymore. He can't scare me if I don't even care anymore, I don't even care about this shit.
"Whatever," I respond, pushing my way past him.
A large hand cups my shoulder and yanks me back, my face colliding with the shelf on the wall. I groan at the piercing of my skin on the sharp wood, my dad grips my other shoulder and shakes me aggressively.
I raise a hand to touch the cut on my cheek, blood seeping through the skin.
"You do not talk to me like that!" He roars and I push him away. "You are a waste of a son."
My mouth forms a smile and I laugh because I can't even tell you how many times I've heard those words.
You are a waste of a son.
Maybe I've started to believe it. Maybe I am nothing to this world. Maybe I'll end up being just like him. A bully, a manipulator.
I stare at him through fury raised eyes and feel my blood boil inside me. He stares back, giving me a stand off but I don't care, I couldn't give a single shit what happens to me anymore.
"Leave me the fuck alone," I ground out harshly, stalking past him and up the stairs before he has the chance to grab me again.
He yells all sorts of nonsense from the bottom of the stairs but I proceed to my room and slam the door shut, locking it and pressing my chair underneath the handle. I press my back to the wall and I stare up at the ceiling, pathetic tears stinging my eyes. Hating that there is a heaviness in my chest, one that never goes away no matter how hard I force it out.
It always comes crawling back and infecting my mind with dark and hateful thoughts.
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Author's Note
Eeeeeeek. What did you guys think of this chapter?😢
I love that Bodi is trying to put everything right with everyone and not just Ash. He's trying so hard🥺🥺🥺
Do you think Ash should give him another chance??? Seeing them like this hurts so much!
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