"Hughes, whatever the hell you're dealing with, leave it out of my field." Coach yelled at me again after missing my footing and almost breaking my leg in the process. I don't know how it happened but I never get yelled at- let alone it happening twice during practice for an important game. He even benched me to get my shit together and not interfere with the game.
This was not how I envisioned this day goring. It was nice to crash at Adam's place for a couple of nights to avoid my mother's imminent questioning and anger if she'd seen the state of me right after my fight with Ryan, but eventually I couldn't avoid returning home any longer. And as I expected, I got a long lecture last night about my faded bruises that she somehow managed to concocted a back story for (not far from what actually happened) to explain my state. Luckily I learned how to smoothe things over with a lot of cajoling, begging for forgiveness, and sincere promises of doing better in the future.
It wasn't my intention to get in a fight in the first place. Losing my cool and throwing punches is not my style and it's not something I am proud of. My mother raised me better than that. That, and I had Lily on my back, well, text-yelling at me for doing stupid things and asking for a proper explanation for what I did.
As if I could invent something to that effect. Love often has the side effects of making one act irrationally.
I am not ready to admit it. To admit it, would be to admit how terrible it is impacting me, thus the need to let it go and move on. And if I could do it, I would have given up my childish attachement that's going on two years since I laid eyes on her. Since I held and sealed these feelings tight inside, refusing and not knowing how to tackle them without creating friction. Every new possibility I could come up with as an outcome of being more transparent with my feelings is more terrible than the previous. Maybe that reflects my belief that things can never go my way smoothly. Possibly it's how lacking and inadequate I seem when it comes to her.
The ball rolled to a stop at my foot, the field growing quieter as I realized practice was over and the guys have left. Coach stopped in front of me, fixing me with his chilling gaze.
"You understand how important the game in two days is, especially for you?" He asked expectantly. Somehow, he seems to think that I have the potential to be drafted for bigger and better teams and pursue a career in basketball.
"I understand, sir." I bowed my head low. Regardless of his expectations for me, I don't want to let him down. "I'll do better, sir."
"Whatever is bothering you." He sighed. "Your mood and performance affect your team, don't forget that."
I nodded, not trusting myself with a decent reply. What do I say to that? It's not like I'm not trying to deal with it. It's easier said than done.
He left me to my thoughts and growing frustrations. I spun the ball in my hand. At least I can direct my useless anger towards something productive, or that is what I've attempted to do. Basketball is as much a hobby as it is a venting outlet for me. People praise my dedication and talent, say that I'll find success pursuing my dream. It is nice to have people who believe in you when you don't. Perhaps that is why Coach is persuaded I can make it to a good team and have a successful career, and I... well, I hate to disappoint.
The sound of my heartbeats is drumming loud in my ears, deafening as I come down from the high of adrenaline and the blood pumping in my system. I am as much of a mess as O'Connor had deduced. Our conversation from the night I stayed at his place keeps haunting me. With all my drunken conviction, I believe that she's worth it. I believed it for the longest time. Will she ever come to realize that? Will she be able to reciprocate as adamantly and stubbornly?
The tapping of shoes on the hard ground broke me out of my trance. I pushed back my hair from my eyes, wiping the sweat off my forehead on my sleeve.
"Are you okay?" Her voice made me freeze in place. Turning around, I found Madeline coming down the concrete steps to where I stood, the sun giving her hair the illusion of being woven with strands of liquid fire. I shook my head. This was no time to be admiring her. She shot me a little smile. "I am no expert but that didn't look too good."
I was too exhausted, physically and mentally, to continue our usual charade of being at each other's tails. And selfishly, I didn't want her to brush over what happened as though it never did. We both said things we cannot take back in moments of extreme emotion. That is not something we can simply put behind and pretend all's well. She looked around in silence, the only sign of her discomfort was her reddening ears.
"The Madeline Parker skipping class, I think I might be hallucinating." I said between ragged breaths. "What are you doing here?"
"You didn't answer my calls or texts." She shrugged.
I frowned. I hadn't paid my phone much attention today. I was too busy to check so I wouldn't have known even if she attempted to reach me. "I didn't manage to go on my phone today."
She looked at me skeptically but nodded. "I wanted to find you. I, uhm... I think we should talk about what happened."
I nodded, picking up my backpack to grab a towel and a bottle of water, aware of her following on my heel and waiting for me to settle on the bench.
"I'm sorry." She blurted, kneading her upper arm and looking around the empty court. "I- I was rude and unfair to you. I assumed the worst in any given situation and that made me... I don't know, childish, defensive, petty?"
I didn't necessarily blame her, but that may be because of how I feel about her. Truthfully, I wouldn't have tolerated her behaviour had I been indifferent, or had she been anybody else. But knowing that she readily antagonized me, assuming the worst of me. That hurt. "I don't believe I ever gave you a reason to despise me."
"I don't hate you." She mended quickly. "You didn't do anything. I just, I don't know what got into me. I haven't had to share Lily in a long time, and she really likes you... I guess I was jealous of you both and I didn't realize that even if she is my best friend, she could have friends of her own and be just as close to them." She bit her lip, swallowing the rest of her words.
I frowned, incredulous. "You were jealous?"
Maddie met my gaze hesitantly. "I thought you two were a thing and-
This time I cut her off, almost choking on the water I was gulping down. "Wait, wait, what? No!"
"I know!" She waved off my protests. "I know I'm wrong. It was nonsensical. Lily told me the two of you are just friends. I know that now."
I nodded, draping the towel around my neck for a lack of something to do with my twitching hands. "You could have just spoken to either of us, instead of assuming the worst. I never intended on coming between you two. If you know her well, you know that you're irreplaceable to her."
She sighed, guilty. "I was wrong and I said some terrible things because I was blinded with my jealousy and bitterness. That's why I want to apologize."
"You don't need to." I cast my eyes away. It was all just a big mess born out of piled up misunderstandings and miscommunications.
"Of course I do." She sat beside me, her eyes burning a hole on the side of my face. "I'm so fucking sorry, Dominic. I promise I'll be a better friend from now on. Please forgive me?"
I blinked at her rapidly, dropping my hands to my lap and hunching over. Shit, I don't think she's ever called my name like that before. I'm so fucking whipped.
"What happened?" She drew closer, putting a hand on my arm worriedly. "Are you okay?"
I took a deep breath. I really wasn't prepared for this at all. "I'm fine."
"Really? You're not hurt are you?" She fussed.
Ah, fuck it.
I caught her hand that hung midair, drawing her closer to me. A light blush spreading quickly over her cheeks. "It hurts how clueless you are about my feelings."
"Dom?" She took a sharp breath, her face burning in embarassement as I'm sure mine was, but it's too late to back out. It was now or never.
"I've had to patiently sit and watch from the sidelines for two years, two, as all kinds of idiots and assholes flirted with you and took you on dates. I had to watch you go out with fucking Ryan Cullen out of everyone, and you still assume I have feelings for someone else- even after I get in a fight with the jerk because of the way he treated you." I watched her expression change from embarassement to shock, to realization, then embarassement all over again. I sighed, lowering my hand with hers still clasped in it. I don't want to let go just yet. "So yes, I like you... A lot. It's honestly offensive that you can't figure it out."
"You-" Maddie struggled for words, ppening and closing her lips several times before she snatched her hand from mine and wacked my shoulder. "You're an idiot!"
"What?" I blurted incredulously.
She pushed my shoulder weakly, face still red. "How was I to know that? You always tease me, we never had a single conversation without bickering or arguing about something, and then you're always hanging out with Lily. How am I supposed to deduce that I was the one you..."
"So what if we bicker? I was already in your bad books. Teasing you is the only way I knew to get you to even spare me a glance. You would have never bothered with me otherwise. And can we just stop talking about Lily and myself being anything other than friends? It's weird. I told you it is you I have feelings for." I corrected her, feeling like an idiot.
"You made your point, I get it." She narrowed her eyes at me, brows scrunched as she assessed me weirdly.
"Why are you looking me like that?" I asked self-consciously.
She shook her head, taking a deep breath and focusing on our hands in very close proximity on the bench. I can almost feel the heat radiating off of her. "We're bickering again."
An involuntary smile split my face and I couldn't help but chuckle at the ridiculity of the moment. "We are."
"It's not funny." She rolled her eyes, trying to fight a smile of her own and stay serious.
I raised a brow at her. "It's a little funny."
"You're such an idiot." She repeated with a shy smile on her face.
I nodded in assent. I guess I am an idiot now. "So...?"
Her eyes widened slightly. "Right... Uhm, you're really- I mean do you really, like, like me? Me?"
"Fuck, Madeline, don't make this harder for me." I ran my hand through my mop of messy and slightly damp hair. "I've liked you for a long time now. I don't expect you to instantly reciprocate, or reciprocate at all, if you don't I mean. I just... I wanted you to know. I want to know if I have a chance at all. I need to know."
"You're serious?" She looked at me intently with burning cheeks. "I-
"I am." I assured her, feeling my own heart beat quicker in anxiety. "I mean... you don't have to respond-"
"No, um." She tucked her hair behind her ear and bit her lip. "I guess I never expected this, so I'm still trying to process."
"Is it so wild?" I looked down at the concrete at my feet. "I know I'm different from the guys you go out with. I'm not- I don't have a lot to offer you, let's be honest. There aren't a whole lot of reasons why I should believe I can be with you."
"That's not it." She shook her head firmly. "It's the opposite actually. I don't believe I could ever be someone you like, you know... uhm, judging by the kind of people you usually hang out with."
"What kind of people?"
"I don't know." She shrugged. "Mature, composed, know what they want in life, experienced the real world more than- well, me. I never thought I'd be on your radar since I am so far removed from the reality you live everyday I suppose."
I sighed. "You may not be those things but you're cheerful, loyal, warm-hearted. And beyond that... One can't really help who they like. Our backgrounds and circumstances have nothing to do with it. If anything, it's what deterred me from ever mentioning how I feel to you. I thought it might be laughable or ridiculous."
"You know that's never been the way I look at people. I might be born with a silver spoon, but I never think any less of other people's merit. If anything I should feel inadequate." She hesitantly drew her hand close enough to touch mine. "I'm not entirely indifferent to you, you know."
I blinked rapidly in confusion and turned to look at her. "What?"
"With everything that happened lately, I must admit I feel some kind of way towards you. It's a bit complicated for me to figure it out on the spot when I've never before tried to dig deeper into this tangle of feelings..." She shot me an apologetic smile. "Can we give it time?"
Suddenly it felt like an invisible weight had been lifted off my chest. I exhaled deeply in relief and nodded at her. Smiling genuinely for the first time in the past few days, I think this conversation was worth all the mess that lead to it. It needed to happen for my sake, for hers, and even if she can never reciprocate. "Of course. We can take all the time in the world if you like."
"So am I forgiven?"
"Hmm... I haven't decided yet."
"Dom!" She whined.
Even if she doesn't reciprocate, I think someday I'll be okay with it.