Bennett's POV
I throw myself on my bed and I scream with my head buried on my pillow. I'm so frustrated right now that all I want to do is punch something.
I'm not a violent person, but this situation really brings the worst out of me.
It's all because of Alex.
I hate her. I mean, I hate the fact that she affects me so much, even without trying and this makes me hate her.
Ok, I obviously don't hate her, but I hate her at the same time.
This doesn't make any sense, I fucking know.
I can't stop thinking about what happened on New Year's eve, I can't get her out of my mind and I can't ignore how gorgeous she looked in my clothes.
I always thought she was beautiful, but that... fuck, that took it to another level.
Is it wrong to be completely turned on for something as simple as her wearing my t-shirt? Stupid hormones.
For a tiny second, it felt like she was mine and the fact that I started the year having her in my embrace felt better than it should.
That really was the best and the worst night of my life, because we simply fit perfectly together. I mean, her head on my chest, her shallow breathing as she slept, my arm around her.
I can't think of a more perfect moment than that. Fuck, I sound like Don with his romantic bullshit and all, but maybe he's right. It felt too real to believe that true love doesn't exist.
Damn it, after that day, all I want to do is feel her in my arms again.
Since that day, my bed just feels empty.
But I couldn't fool myself. I knew it was just Alex being drunk, because guess what? The next day she went running back to Dylan and I was left feeling miserable, so I ignored her.
For two whole weeks.
It's not like I desperately wanted to talk about it, but Dylan was so ecstatic that they were on good terms that I simply knew.
I thought Alex would know better and wouldn't fall for Dylan's bullshit, but the asshole is good with words, I'll give him that.
I know this because I was at home a few days after New Year, minding my own business when I heard him going to his room, singing along to some song, all bubbly like he always does. I should have stopped myself, but I didn't, so in a minute, I was leaning on his door.
''You're in a good mood.'' I said, not really caring. I was just curious as to why he was so happy when he and Alex were fighting. Or so I thought...
''Of course I'm in a good mood. Why wouldn't I be?'' I frowned. He didn't say much, so I realized I would really have to ask.
''So, I heard you were at a party on New year's eve. Was Alex there with you?'' I'm not sure that was the best way to ask what I wanted to know, but well, it's not like we talk much, so that was not natural to me.
''Look at you, wanting to know all the tea. Not that it's any of your business, but yeah, she was there with me. I know it's hard for you to hear this, but she's my girlfriend.'' He winked at me and I rolled my eyes.
''Why do you even like her?'' I asked, sounding more annoyed than I intended. He stopped playing with his football and looked at me.
''She's hot.'' I couldn't believe him. Like, really, Dylan? Can I punch you already?
''Wow, that's really deep. I'm sure that's every girl's dream, to find a guy who likes her because she's hot.'' I clearly mocked him.
''Don't be such a nerd. All you care about is brains and bla, bla, bla. Alex is not only hot, she's cool, we do have deep conversations if you really want to know. Plus, we're doing great, so stop trying to rain on my parade, dude.'' He said and I immediately felt my face on fire.
That was it, I had to ask directly, because otherwise, the asshole wouldn't tell me where they stand. One thing he was actually right, I was wanting to know all the tea.
''I heard she left the party, how come you're doing great?'' I crossed my arms in front of my chest and waited for him to finally tell me something.
''How do you even know that?'' He doesn't wait for me to answer, and I'm thankful for it, because what would I say? I could tell him that she came straight to me, but I'm not ready to start a war with him and hurt Alex. ''Never mind. She left because she was tired, that's all. Again, none of your business, but we talked, she understood what happened and we have an amazing date planned, so yeah, we're doing great.''
Of fucking course she would go back to him. She can't see that he's no good for her. I wish I could open her eyes, but it's impossible. She's obsessed with the guy.
''You know, this envy thing is really starting to get to me. You know what you need? You should find yourself some friends. I bet you're asking me this because you were all lonely on New year's eve.'' He said and pouted, making fun of me.
''Trust me, I really wasn't lonely.'' I said with a smirk on my face and he narrowed his eyes at me.
I thought that was a good way of ending that conversation, so after he showed me the middle finger, I turned around and left for my room.
I don't think Dylan is smart enough to read between the lines and to be fair, I don't think I showed him how much what he said bothered me.
It bothered me so much that after winter break was over and she came to talk to me at the rehearsal, I was angry. At her, at Dylan, at myself.
It pisses me off because I don't think it's fair that Alex is with Dylan. She acts like she's jealous of me, like when she saw me skating with Kate, she comes to my place on fucking New Year's eve just to spend time with me and yet, she's still with Dylan.
She always chooses Dylan.
That's why I don't tell her how I feel. I know how it will go. I'll pour my heart out to her, she'll look at me confused before she says "great talk, have you seen Dylan?"
No. I think I'll just have to be secretly in love with her and leave it like that, until my feelings change at least. I'll go to college and life will go on. Eventually...
I thought I was forgetting her. I really did, until I realized I'm pissed off with Lilly too.
Whenever I'm close to moving on with my life, or at least when I think I'm moving on, Lilly comes with some shit and I'm back to square one, like one day when she approached me in the cafeteria line.
"Who is Kate?" Lilly came out of nowhere, scaring the shit out of me. She definitely needs to stop doing this.
"Excuse me?" I asked. I didn't understand why she was bringing up Kate. How did she even know about Kate at that time? She saw her when we were skating, but she didn't know who she was.
"You heard me, who is kate?" She demanded and I raised an eyebrow to her.
"I don't think that's any of your business." To be honest, that was my polite way of telling her to fuck off. I was in a bad mood that day, not her fault, but I couldn't help it.
"Alex thinks you're dating her." That made me stop and actually look at her.
"So? She's dating my brother and their relationship has never been better, haven't you heard? So, I don't see what difference it makes if I'm dating Kate or not."
"She's jealous of you, of course it makes a difference." I considered what she said and I felt a twist inside my chest.
I thought I imagined it.
The way Alex looked at me and Kate at the rink made me think that she was indeed jealous of me, but I let go of this, because she wouldn't be dating Dylan if that was the case.
But when Lilly said it was real, I couldn't help but think that maybe she does have feelings for me. This is what I mean by being back to square one. There I was picturing us together one more time, imagining having her in my arms at night again, but I shook my head.
"You know what? You are what is wrong in the world, you feed this fantasy of us being together and it's not going to happen, so don't say things like this to give me hope, when I know there isn't any."
"I seriously should find friends who aren't so stubborn." She rolled her eyes in a dramatic move.
"I'm not your friend, so I'm fine with that plan" I lied, of course she's my friend and she knows it.
"Are you dating her?" I paused for a moment, before answering her.
"Maybe I am." She narrowed her eyes, not buying my shit.
After that answer, Lilly cursed a lot and told me how stupid I am for letting Alex slip through my hands and date a girl that is not good enough for me, because she's not the girl I'm in love with.
Yeah, as if I needed her to say this... I already know it.
Kate and I have been spending more time together, as our group of friends have been hanging out more and I want to give her a chance. I really do.
I just don't know if I can yet.
I need to get Alex out of my system and having her walking around in my room wearing my clothes and sleeping literally hugging me definitely didn't help.
I had to control every fiber of my body to not lean and kiss her. She was so close that one simple move and that would have happened. Maybe I should have kissed her, but hell no, I have no idea how she would have reacted.
See, I can't fucking stop thinking about it.
What makes it all too painful is the fact that I try to control myself around her, like I always did, but having her close and being my friend is making me lose my better judgment.
And I believe I'm a reasonable person, so being close to having all my self-control go out the window is not easy for me.
Then what can I say about skating at Rockefeller? That was a confusing as fuck day. Another one.
I was having a great time with my friends when I saw them. Alex was adorable as hell with her green hat that kept falling on her eye. I wanted to be the one adjusting it for her, but there he was. Dylan was the one doing it.
I pretended to be surprised when Lilly came to talk to us, like I didn't see them before, but I was following their every move like a magnet.
Kate was trying to get my attention and I was paying attention to her. I was. I mean, at least until I saw them.
Until Alex introduced herself.
I guess different than what I thought, all my friends from camp know who she is. Of course they know who she is, but it's more like they think she's the girl I kind of had feelings for. Except Don and Kate, who truly know how I feel, they don't know about my real feelings and my failed love story.
"She's cute." Don said to me when we were alone later that day.
"Yeah..." Cute is not the word I would use to describe her, but well.
He kept looking at me with curiosity and I wanted to ask him what he thought about her, but I didn't have to, I knew he would tell me anyway.
"You know her eyes were on you all the time, right?" I noticed that, but I don't know what that means. I tried not to overthink this that much.
"So?" I said and he smirked.
"So I don't know her, but she didn't look like someone who doesn't give a shit about you, like you say sometimes. She's just different than I thought." He shrugged.
"Different how?" I was actually curious.
"No offense, but I guess I pictured Alex as a sort of bitch in my mind and she seems nice, that's all. You know Kate is my friend, but I want to see you happy and Alex, well I think she could actually be that person."
I nodded, but what I don't need is Don also telling me I should confess my feelings.
''What do you think I should do?'' I asked for his advice. He's been telling me to move on, so that's definitely a change in scenario.
''I honestly don't know. I get that you don't want to tell her about how you feel, because of your brother and all, but maybe she would listen to you and it could actually make a difference, you know?'' I nod.
Maybe everyone is right. I guess for the first time, I was actually seeing myself telling her about my feelings. It made my mind work a million miles per hour with the possibility. Was I really considering it?
Damn, this made me nervous.
As I didn't say anything, he broke the silence.
"What about that friend of hers, Lilly right? She is a scary one, though."
"She's cool." I quickly said, ready to defend Lilly. I guess she's more my friend than I'm willing to admit and I wouldn't let him say shit about her.
Lilly and I have been talking and even texting more and more lately. She even asked me what I think about Harris, her obvious love interest and told me details about how they have been hanging out lately and so on.
Anyway, we moved back to the Alex and Kate topic after that. It was so awkward having both of them in the same place. I guess I never thought this could even happen.
I could tell Kate was bothered by Alex and was trying to mark her territory and so was Lilly. Yeah, I don't blame Don for thinking Lilly is scary, she was shooting glazers as if telling me to stay away from Kate, something I thought no one noticed, but Don is a perceptive guy as well.
As for Alex, it made me feel so incredibly happy that she was jealous that it was all I could think about for days after that.
It's painful, because I want Alex to be my girl. I want to call her my girlfriend so freaking bad.
That's why I told her we can't be friends and shouldn't spend time together, which is nonsense, as it's opposite from what I want, but if I also want to forget about her and give Kate a chance, I need to stay away from her.
Screw that, it's not even about Kate, if I want a chance to be happy without having her clouding my mind all the time, I need to keep my distance.
Of course I can't completely ignore her presence because she will be around with my family and well, as my brother's girlfriend, but I can handle it.
I guess that's why I changed my mind. If for a brief moment I thought about telling Alex, I decide that I need to move on with my life.
I studied a lot about it, you know. I went to the library and I got as many books as I could and looked at scientific studies on the internet about how the brain works. If I understand the mechanism of it, I can work and rewire my feelings for her into nothing more than friendship.
I think it worked. It's been a while that we haven't talked, the last time was at the school play. She wanted to talk about the new year and I told her we shouldn't be friends.
I almost slipped for a moment, because I looked at her and she seemed sad, so instead of pushing her away, all I wanted to do was have her in my arms again.
It's not my fault that she fits perfectly there. It's like hugging a tailor-made pillow, but it will never happen again. I am conscious of that.
All I have to do is stand my ground and not give in the first time something happens, like when she needs help or something.
Those are the moments I go running to her like a puppy, but I won't do that anymore.
I can do it, right?
........................
Hello Lovely Readers,
I'm sorry for not updating yesterday! I was crazy busy and had to do some adjustments to the chapter!
Some of you asked if there was going to be more Bennett's POV, so here it is (spoiler: there's more to come!)
I hope you like it! I know there's a lot going on on this chapter, but it gives us more info on Bennett's relationship with Dylan, Lilly and also Don. I do like him, he's a great friend to Bennett.
I wonder what could happen to bring Bennett and Alex closer again!! I'm so ready for it.
Let me know your thoughts. I absolutely love your comments!
Love always,
Me