Lou's lips became too irresistible that Debbie could hear it saying, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me.
Debbie had spent far too many nights - after Lou offered her friendship - trying not to love her anymore. She had been teaching her heart not to utter Lou's name, and had been trying to tell her mind that it's all over, the chapter was done, story was closed, but right there, with Lou cupping her face and with the blonde's strawberry-scotch drenched lips, the brunette realized that loving Lou had always been a part of her existence; it was like she was brought into the world with only one purpose in life and that was to love Lou. Debbie realized that trying to unlove Lou was futile, because loving the blonde had always been her nature - repressed and buried so deeply in her bone marrows.
"Oh." Debbie finally broke the ice as she moved on the couch and when she did, it was when Lou realized that she had been holding Debbie's face and that she and Debbie were staring at each other's lips for God knew how long.
"Sorry." Lou withdrew as she moved away on the other side, hands cupped together in between her legs as if she had touched a fire, "Uhm. Yeah. So, as I was saying..." Lou breathed as she gave Debbie a look, "...you're beautiful."
The brunette, in the same state as the blonde was, nervous and a bit too defensive for the almost act they both could have done because if she didn't speak, who knows what would happen? Debbie could picture out the aftermath if she didn't utter an oh; she knew it would lead to two things: it's either she would be bent over on the sofa with Lou pumping in on her from behind or she would be on top of Lou on the sofa. Still embarassed, Debbie didn't answer Lou, instead she poured herself a scotch, nearly spilling as her glass was too full and in her adrenaline, she drunk it empty in just seconds.
Debbie put down the glass as she wiped her lips with the back of her hand, "Stop it, Lou."
"Stop what?"
She rolled her eyes as she scotch was gradually taking her spirit down, "Quit telling me I'm beautiful."
"Why? Just stating a fact."
"I get it. Just..." Debbie sighed as she felt her head started to throb, "...just stop it." She added before she slowly leaned her head back on the couch's arm rest, "Fuck it." The brunette mumbled to herself.
"What did you say?"
"Fuck it." Debbie groaned, "I should go."
Lou stood up from the couch, worry plastered on her face as she looked at Debbie. The brunette was standing, a bit bent as if she had a load of baggage on her shoulders. Her face was still red and her eyes, what were once so lively, were drowsy already.
"I gotta go."
Lou held her hand and squeezed it, "You're drunk."
"I'm not."
"Looks like you are."
The brunette sighed before she opted to go back on the sofa and sat on it. The world was spinning literally for her and if she would not sit, she knew she would be puking all over the blonde's marbled floor.
Debbie put a hand on her head, "I'm sorry, Lou. Haven't drank in years. I wasn't as weak as I am now before, you know."
"Yeah." Lou shook her head as she sat beside the brunette, "I cannot believe you're drunk over scotch."
"Fuck off."
"Okay, Deborah. I mean, drunk Deborah."
Debbie rolled her eyes contemplating whether to punch the blonde for calling her Deborah or just let it pass. But her growing headache was enough to ease her soul out. She knew she was drunk, and she knew too that she needed to go home, but she also knew that she couldn't go home all by herself. With a silent curse, Debbie sat straightly on the sofa before she slouched, elbows on knees and hands on her temple.
"I need to go home. I have a class tomorrow."
"Let me drive you home."
"No. I can drive myself."
Lou stood up, "You're drunk. Let me just get my robe upstairs and I'll drive you home."
"No."
The blonde crossed her arms against her chest as she looked down on Debbie, "Debbie..."
"What?"
"Let me drive you home."
The brunette looked at her, "No."
The blonde shook her head before she crossed her arms again, "You are so fucking hardheaded."
Debbie imitated the way the blonde shook her head and gave her a smirk, "And you are so fucking sexy."
"See? You're so drunk." Lou replied, "Wait here. I'll go get my robe upstairs."
Debbie didn't speak and Lou didn't wait her to do so. The blonde half ran upstairs, her soul eager to get away from Debbie. With what Debbie had said, every crook and cranny of Lou's heart started beating abnormally fast. Lou didn't know if the brunette had noticed how badly she was blushing with that remark and she hoped Debbie didn't. When Lou got into her room, she abruptly wore her robe while internally cursing herself for wearing her ex-wife's lingerie and for inviting her ex wife for a scotch. She didn't hate Debbie; they're friends, but right at that moment, Lou too, was debating if she could really be friends with her because right there on the sofa, the drunk Debbie was too tempting. When Lou got down, Debbie wasn't sitting on the living room anymore. The blonde's front door was opened and so she walked out, hoping Debbie was there because she didn't hear her car starting. And truly, her ex-wife was outside.
"You didn't wait for me." Lou called out to Debbie who was standing by her car, "Eager to get home?"
Debbie looked at her, longingly, "I don't know."
"Come on. I'll drive." Lou jogged down towards Debbie, "Give me your keys."
Debbie didn't speak. Yet, she handed her key to her. Lou couldn't fathom what was happening to her, but she knew there was something - she just didn't want to push. The blonde quietly opened Debbie's car and let the brunette sat on the passenger seat before she closed it and went to the other side to get in. When the blonde sat on the driver's seat, other than Debbie looking out of the window - suddenly too quiet, the first thing she noticed was her and Debbie's photo together. Wrinkles on their faces invisible. Both were young and free. It was a photo of them back when they went to a theme park in California. It was a photo of them, twenty years ago, with Debbie kissing Lou on the cheek and with Lou grinning to the camera's lense. It was polaroid picture of them, up in the brunette's car.
"You..." The rush of sudden emotions came drowning the blonde gradually, "You still have it." She added quietly.
"Kept it dearly."
Lou had her lips hung in shock as she picked up the polaroid photo of them with her trembling fingers, "You kept it. Can't believe you still hav ---"
"Couldn't keep you. But that,.." Debbie looked at the polaroid on Lou's hand as she pointed it, "...that I was able to."
Lou looked at her before Debbie looked out at the window once more. And suddenly, Lou didn't know what to say anymore. All she knew was that she couldn't move her body to turn on the car. All she knew was that the photograph was a clear remnant of how happy and in love they were before. All she knew was that Debbie kept it. And all she knew was that Debbie was drunk and was now crying silently beside her in the car. That night was a stampede of loneliness, a mirror of broken vows and unfinished stories.
"I can't be friends with you, Lou." Debbie sobbed and Lou tried her best not to look at her, "I can't. I just cannot."
"You're drunk."
"I can't be friends with someone I still love." Debbie uttered, the gush of pain suddenly stabbed the blonde and she failed not to glance at her because she did, and when she did, Debbie's eyes were nothing, but a field of lonely romance, "I am still so fucking in love with you. I can't pretend anymore. I cannot. You still make me go fucking crazy like I'm some teen, a fucking sixteen when in fact I am not. I am still so badly and hopelessly in love with you that I force myself ---"
Lou cut her off, "You're just fucking drunk." She said as she held Debbie by her shoulders, "Stop that. You're drunk."
"I've always been drunk in you, over you. Always been drunk in love with you." Debbie silently replied as she took her flickering courage to stare right into the blonde's eyes, "Tell me you still love me too." The brunette asked, silently, with her voice overflowing with hurt; Debbie shook her head as Lou let her go, "Tell me you love me still. Please..."
Lou sat back right up and went back to stare at the lamppost a few meters away from her frontyard, "You're drunk."
"Do you love me still? Lou, do you love me still?" Debbie unbuckled her seatbelt as she proceeded to sob, throwing her face into her hands as she felt the gradual cracking of her heart, "Don't ruin me like this. It's just a yes or no. Fucking answer me please....please...."
"For Pete's sake, stop it."
Debbie shook her head as she took Lou's hand and made her look at her, "It's just a yes or no. Fucking answer me." She jested, with her lips quivering like a little kid who lost her butterfly, two big drops of tears fell in synch from the brunette's eyes, "Look at me in the eyes and answer me a yes or no and if I get a no, I swear I'll fucking stop. Do you love me still?"
It was a trapeze of emotions and Lou felt like her heart was being crushed as she looked at the drunk Debbie sobbing in front of her. The night was a cruel cupid, constantly picking at her, at them. The sounds of the far away city seemed too vague as the sounds of Debbie's cries covered the suburbs and Lou, felt so goddamn stupid as to why she wasn't hugging her yet, wasn't comforting her yet. Lou sighed as she thought what to do and Debbie waited; it felt like forever until Lou looked away out towards the window.
"You're drunk." She silently answered, unable to look at Debbie, unable to give her a yes or a no.
***