One Line - PJ Harvey
As in the streets we fight. This world all gone to war. All I need is you tonight.
ISABELLA
It's funny how easy it is to fall back into a routine. Wake up...eat breakfast... walk and walk some more... eat lunch... and then spend the rest of my time at Hemmingway'sBooks, getting lost in a world that was unlike my own. This had become my routine during the days when Jaz had been working at the hair salon and no wedding prep needed to be made.
It wasn't as if I minded. There was something almost calming about getting lost in a city that I once called my own. A place where I ran away to and fell in love. There are days where I find myself forgetting that I used to roam Oxford Circus with Jaz and look at all the shops, or go to Hyde park and sit and read. Even though I had called this country... this city... my home for the almost two full years that I claimed residence here, I still felt like an outsider.
But today... no, today... it was different. I felt like one of the locals, blending in with the crowd as I found my regular spot in the grassy fields of Hyde Park. With my rucksack on my back and my blanket in my hand, I found a small area that had not been occupied by the many students or young families that had been crowding the large park.
I pulled out The Adventures of Tom Sawyer from my rucksack as well as a bottle of water. The sun had been warm on this late June afternoon. I didn't mind though. It felt nice against my cool skin. With my head against the blanket and a pair of sunglasses blocking the rays, I relaxed against the blanket.
As I exhaled slowly, my mind wandered to the weekend that was fast approaching. The wedding was two weeks away, but the wedding celebrations were in need to commence. I felt the wave of anxiety that I tried my damnedest to push away seep up into my veins.
I knew that Harry was coming to the wedding. This had been revealed to me last night by a very nervous and very stuttering Jaz. She had come home late that evening with a bottle of merlot and a carton of green Thai curry in the other. A deadly combination that was only used when something awful or incredibly heart wrenching needed to be disclosed to me. Wine and Thai were my "safety net"... the comfort blanket that I needed to protect me when things weren't going to go my way. It was what I had downed the first week when I learnt of Harry's disappearance. It was what I needed to get me through my finals during my university days, and the times I had to go back home.
When Jaz had rushed into her apartment with those in hand, I knew that something was going to happen. Something that I wasn't going to be emotionally ready for ... and I was right.
"He's coming to the engagement party. Ben found out last night. I didn't... I didn't know he was going to. I thought it was only the wedding, if that. I'm so sorry Iz. I'm so, so sorry." She had pleaded that relentlessly that she didn't know and that if she did, she would have told Ben not to invite him.
But I was quick to refuse such things. Harry was Ben's brother, his only one at that. I would never in my right mind feel remotely okay if I knew that I was holding Harry back from building a relationship with his brother. If I was the reason why he wasn't at the engagement party... I would never forgive myself. Regardless of how hard it would be on me... how frightening and emotionally unstable that it made me whenever I thought about him (whenever he came to mind, really), this was Ben and Jaz's day. Not mine.
I was going to be okay. I had to be okay. I had to move on because he was already doing that. I couldn't nor would I purposefully do anything to ruin their day. I had to put on my big girl panties, as much as I refused to do so, and fake it. Fake that my heart didn't break whenever I thought of his name, or the apprehension that rattled my bones when I pictured his face... his eyes... his lips on my mouth. I needed to hold myself together... because he changed his number and he had left. He was gone. I needed to accept that.
But I didn't want to. I couldn't. It wouldn't be easy... but that was okay. It had to be okay.
With my head against the hard surface of the ground and my tattered copy of The Adventures of Tom Sawyer in my hands, I urged myself to get lost into a world of societal hypocrisy and childish maturation.
Yet as I began to read, I noticed the little scribblings in the margins of the yellowing pages. I recognized that handwriting. I knew it so well. I would see it on pieces of scrap paper that were scattered over our messy apartment... notes that ranged from to do lists that he needed to get done, to thoughts that would eat away at him until he wrote them down. Sometimes they were poetry, sometimes it would be stats that he read about his favourite sports team (a hobby I still didn't quite understand), but it was him.
And as I read the first chapter of one of his favourite novels, I realized that this wasn't my copy, but it was his. It was Harry's.
-
"Are you reading that book again?" I asked Harry, leaning my body over our sofa where he had been sprawled across.
"Course," he smirked, not once allowing his focus to flitter away form the pages he had become so engrossed with.
There were many "types" of Harry's that I loved. I loved playful Harry when he'll tease me and banter on about whatever silly thing that'll come to mind. I loved protective Harry that will come out whenever I tell him about my parents disapproval. I loved gentle Harry who would console me after a particularly draining conversation with my mother or dad. But I think the Harry that I loved the most, was when he was so captivated by a novel. There was nothing I liked to do more than sit back and watch him read. It was breathtakingly beautiful... a scene that I could never grow tired of.
However, I was bored and he was once again re-reading Tom Sawyer (not from the copy that I bought him for his birthday, because apparently it was too nice to touch)... and all I wanted to do was do something with him. Anything really.
So I took matters into my own hands and wrapped my arms around his shoulders. Slowly I dug my thumbs into his taut muscles, massaging away the pent up tension. He muffled out a manly groan, his head tilting back a tad to reveal that his eyes had fluttered shut.
I bit back my smirk as I continued to work away at his shoulders. I leaned in and allowed my lips to trail down his neck... slowly... and slowly... earning one of my favourite sounds in return.
"Iz," he groaned, his hands quickly losing the book that he had once been engrossed in and pulled my body over the couch.
I yelped, not expecting his sudden hold and giggled against his body. "You jerk!" I laughed and squealed as Harry began to tickle at my sides.
"You lil' tease. Right awful you are..." he growled against my lips, tugging at my bottom lip in between his teeth and trapping me against the couch.
I wasn't even sorry for my interruption. I knew what his weaknesses were... and my lips had always been the case. Sure, it was unfair... but I was bored and I wanted to be with him, so I was going to do what I knew would work best... selfish or not.
"Don't act like you didn't like it," I reply, breathless. He smirks... his evergreen eyes growing dark with recognizable desire.
"Dirty tease, you are..."
And then he kissed me. He kissed me hard... passionately... yet incredibly sweet. His hands slid up my legs and under the hem of my loose top, until the found my hips. His thumbs digging into the protruding bone, while his legs kept me trapped underneath him.
I exhaled a squeak as his hips moved forcefully against mine. I could feel his smirk against my lips... all too knowing of the effect his movements had on me. Slowly his hands crept up from my waist until the tips of his fingers found the underlying of my bra. My hands found the base of his neck, tangling themselves with his long hair. God, I loved his long hair.
But then he stopped. His lips left mine and his body moved away, leaving my body cold and hungry for his touch. He sat up, pulling his book back from the floor where it had landed sometime between me falling onto the couch and our heated kissing, and opened up to his previous page.
I sat there, in complete disbelief, as I watched Harry continue reading... that damn smirk plastered on his lips.
"Who's the dirty tease now," I grunted, completely unimpressed. I sat up and turned my attention towards Harry. He didn't say anything else, only smirked, and continued to read his tattered copy of Tom Sawyer...
-
And so I threw my book, or his book back into my bag, and laid back down... because I was too distraught and too overwhelmed to read his thoughts. I knew that I wouldn't be able to ignore the chicken scratch scribbles on the side of the pages because I knew... I knew all too well... that I wouldn't be able to stop reading it, even if I tried. His mind captivated me too much to try.
-
"You sure this looks okay?"
"Yes Jaz, I promise..."
"I don't want to look like a tramp. It's m'engagement party after all."
"You don't look like one," I reassured her for the sixteenth time in the span of twenty minutes.
"You sure?"
"I'm sure. Yes."
"That's it, I'm changing..." and so she did, for the twentieth time that hour.
I sat back on the sofa in the living room, waiting patiently for Jaz to find a suitable outfit for tonight's party. I could understand how nerve wracking tonight could be. It was her engagement party... her and Ben's... a time of celebration and a time that all eyes will be focused on her. She felt an added pressure to look more acceptable, knowing that not only would her family be there but so would Ben's.
The reminder that I would be seeing Mark tonight, a man that I felt nauseous just by the mention of him, made my heart racing even quicker.
I tugged down on my satin green dress. It was a deep colour. A green as rich as the evergreen trees outside. I hated how much it reminded me of him. How it looked like his eyes when the sun was setting and he was a bit too tired. The type of green that I found myself dreaming about at night, hoping that I could catch a glimpse of just one more time.
Jaz had been adamant that I wore this dress... said that it brought out the green in my hazel eyes. I don't think she realized how much I hated that. How much it hurt. But I didn't say anything... because I couldn't... it was her day, her party, and I was going to do what made her happy. So I wore the dress, the deep evergreen cocktail dress that looked like his eyes, and kept my hair down. Because I knew that he liked it that way, and I had no dignity left...
Jaz finally came out of her room in a rose gold cocktail dress with an a-line skirt. It was beautiful. She looked at me with shining eyes, as she quickly wiped away the few tears that had escaped her. I stood up quickly, rushing over to where my best friends stood.
"M'getting married," she whispered. Her eyes shining bright as her hands shook at her sides.
I mustered up my best warm smile and wrapped my hands tightly around her own.
"You are and you'll be the best damn wife in the world. Promise you that..."
She shook her head, a small smile playing at her lips. "I'm crazy, aren't I?"
"You'd be crazy not to marry Ben," I told her truthfully. "He's an amazing guy."
She sighed. There was a dreamy glint in her eyes. "The bees knees, innit? M'don't know how I found him. God, don't tell him that I cried... he'll take the piss out of it."
I laughed along with her, giving her arms one more reassuring squeeze. "My lips are sealed."
She hummed and nodded. "Make-up isn't smudged, is it?"
I ran my thumb under her eyes, wiping a way the bit of mascara that fell. "All good now."
She smiles, giving my cheek a quick peck and straightening her back out. "This is why you're my maid of honor. Don't know what I'd do without you."
In the midst of all the ruckus and planning, Jana had told Jaz last minute that she wouldn't be able to be her maid of honor. With work getting hectic and little girl hitting the terrible twos, she didn't know if she'd be able to fulfill her maid of honor duties as well as she'd want to. Jaz understood and didn't want to put any added stress on her sister. In turn, she had swtiched her from a maid of honor to a bridesmaid and asking if I'd take Jana's place. Without much hesitation, I told her yes, knowing that I'd do anything for her. That was what best friends were for... without realizing who the best man was.
With one last inhale, she sighed. "Okay. Let's go get this over with."
-
There were people... a lot of people... too many faces that I felt like I knew... and too many faces that would know me. With a glass of champagne in one hand and a crab cake in the other, I scurried away from the crowd in search for some fresh air.
Ben and Jaz's engagement party was being held at a yacht club in Greenwich that overlooked The River Thames. The room had been decorated elegantly - clearly done by Jaz's mother, Annabelle Hemmings. A sweet lady, but the spitting image of my own mother. When I had met her earlier this evening, she was wearing couture and pearls wrapped around her neck. The complete opposite of her own two daughters. It was frightening how similar Jaz and I really are.
I slowly sipped from my champagne glass... the crab cake already eaten... and sat on the deck of the yacht club. There were picnic benches that lined the outside. Mason jars (clearly Jaz's contribution to her own party) lit up each table. Different couples were scattered across the deck leaving only one bench free.
Taking the opportunity, I quickly made my way to the empty bench and sat down. Lights lined the outside, giving a dreamy glow. I looked out onto the Thames, memories of the many dates Harry and I had taken only to sit and watch the water float on.
My heart felt heavy. The party was already an hour in, yet Harry was yet to arrive. Ben claimed that he was probably running late. There was still that part of me, the sad and hurt part, that hoped and prayed that he wouldn't be here. That he decided that he had other things to do.
I knew how much he hated being around his family. How much he loathed Mark and could barely tolerate his own brother. But amongst all the animosity that he had for his step-father, he loved his mother. He was good to her. So damn good to her that it made my heart swell with pride. I knew that even though he would hate being around his family, that he would be here for her... for his mom... and that made my heart hurt even more.
"Izzy, there you are!"
I jumped in my seat, startled by my voice being called so nearby. I turned my head to see Jana. I smiled, greeting her with a pleasant, "Hello."
She grabbed my hand and pulled me up. "Mum wants to greet the guests and introduce the bridal party. Can't do that without the maid of honor!"
I smiled, mumbling an okay and followed her back inside.
Everyone had found their seats at the different tables in the hall. Jaz and Ben were sitting at the front table with an empty seat in between Ben and Chase. Harry still wasn't here and I wasn't even surprised. At this point, I didn't think he was going to show up. I couldn't properly describe the emotions that were going through me, but I knew for sure that I was annoyed.
This was his brother's engagement party and you are the best man... you do not miss this. That's not even an option.
Finding my seat beside Jaz, she gave my hand a knowing squeeze. I smiled, squeezing her hand back. Guests were all seated at their tables and Mr. and Mrs. Hemmings stood at the microphone, Ben's parent's not too far behind. I cringed when Mark Beck looked my way. His expression was too hard to read, but the way that he looked at me sent a chill down my spine. It was distressing.
"Good evening everyone," Annabelle's eloquent voice spoke into the mic. Her manicured fingers tucked a piece of fallen blonde hair behind her ear. She smiled at her guests, her husband standing close behind. "Gus and I wanted to thank each and every one of you who have come here tonight to celebrate our daughter, Jasmine and her wonderful fiancee Benton."
A round of applause sounded through the dining hall. I glanced over at Jaz to see a glowing smile on her lips. Ben's hand holding tight to her hands as he smiled down at her.
"Tonight we want to celebrate these two and their soon to be marriage. Dinner will be served shortly and afterwards there will be dessert and a few words that Samantha, Ben's mum would like to share. As well, the bridal party-"
Her words were quickly cut off by the slamming of a door. The whole room grew quiet as guests turned around in their seats to see who the intruder could be. I could hear Ben snicker and my hand was quickly being squeezed by Jaz. I looked up from my champagne to see what all of the commotion was about.
In a black jacket and dress shirt that was halfway undone, brown curls a complete disarray, and green eyes widen in shock, stood Harry.
And just like that, I lost my breath.
-
He was here... he was here... he was here... I couldn't shake it. The words repeating over and over in my head. He was here. Harry was here. The man that I didn't think I would ever see... the evergreen eyes that haunted my dreams, the sweet scent of mint cologne and cigarette smoke that I longed to inhale, and the heart-shaped lips I only dreamed of feeling... was a mere foot away.
My hands shook as I tried my damnedest to eat my soup. I could feel his eyes on me. As much as I longed to see him, to hear his voice... I couldn't do it. I wouldn't allow it.
I wasn't ready. Oh God, I was far from ready. I had quickly convinced myself that he would not show. His tardiness (something that wasn't very uncommon for his character) led me to believe nothing more. But here he was... two chairs away from where I sat, looking like heaven on earth.
My heart was racing. I could feel my breathing become erratic as I my body slowly began to shut down. I could feel the anxiety begin to rise. He was here and I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready to hear his excuses... to know why he left... to hear him say, "I don't love you anymore..." Because I was sure as hell that it would happen.
Because he left. He left and he changed his number and there was no way that he cared anymore.
"Excuse me," I moved my chair back, the legs squeaking across the floor. A few neighboring guests looked at me curiously, but went back to their meals. Both Jaz and Jana looked at me, worried expressions painted on both of their faces.
"What's wrong?" Jaz was quick to ask.
"N-nothing. I uh - I need to use the washroom," my voice stuttering and hands shaking, I didn't dare look in his direction. I could feel his eyes on me, his stare... but I couldn't handle it. This was too much. It was all too much. He was late. I didn't think he would show... no, no, no... "I'll be ... I'll be back."
I walked as fast as I could in these heels. I didn't look back. I couldn't. I ignored the curious glances of the guests as I made my way through the dining hall and towards the back door. I pushed through, careful that it didn't slam shut, and walked to the where the bathrooms were.
Pale skin reflected off the mirror. I breathed in and out... slow inhales and exhales... hoping to settle my racing heart. He was here. I couldn't stop repeating it... my mind slowly processing it. Harry... the man that left me... who I haven't talked to in six months was here.
With a deep breath, and unsteady hands, I pushed myself away from the sink. I could do this. I was strong. I was capable of so much. I didn't need to let Harry control how I feel... how I acted... I wouldn't allow the way he made my heart race and pulse quicken with a simple look stop me from being their for Jaz. I was her maid of honor. I had obligations that needed to be met. I won't allow Harry stop me from giving all that I can to Jaz and Ben.
There was a quiet knock at the bathroom door. I stared at it for a second too long, confused by it. "Come in?" I said hesitantly. But as soon as the door was pushed open, and the unknown knocker came in, I wish that I had ignored it.
Harry stood in front of me. He took a tentative step towards me, his head looking behind him once more before he allowed the door to shut. I stared at him... confused... as he looked at me shyly. With one hand held behind him and the other running through his long hair, he looked down at his feet.
I didn't say anything. I couldn't. My throat felt like it was closing in on me and my heartbeat was racing too quickly. I felt overwhelmed by his strong scent... the musky mint cologne that I knew too well wafting towards me.
With furrowed brows and shaking hands, I took a step towards him. He looked up at me, noticing my sudden movements. He doesn't say anything, but watches me. His teeth nibbling on his bottom lip as he remains still.
"I- I can't be here," I choke out, before rushing past him and towards the door.
His hand catches my arm, halting me in my steps. "Izzy," his voice croaks... the husky sounds that causes my skin to crawl and my lips to quiver. I can feel the tears glaze over my eyes, clouding my vision. The feeling of his fingers on my person, makes my skin burn. I struggle in his hold, trying my best to break free.
"No-" I gasp for air... I could feel the panic rise... the sudden need to get out of here. I couldn't do this. I wasn't ready... I wasn't ready... I needed more time.
"Please. Let me talk..."
"No!" I shout, my voice quivering as my body shakes. "I can't. I can't do this. No, no, no! You were late... you weren't supposed to be here. I can't... I can't do this! I can't be here."
"Just wait," he pleads. His hands struggling to keep me still. I whither in his grasp, my panic and anxiety slowly rising.
"Please let me go. Please..." I snapped. I look at him and soon after wish I hadn't.
His face was contoured into a mixture of worry and agony. His brows furrowed and teeth gnawing at his lip, he looked different. His usual expression of indifference was covered with fear and caution.
"Please," I say one more time. My voice cracking with exhaustion. "Please Harry. Not now... not here..."
"M'just... just want to know that you're okay. Don't like seeing you like this...Worries me."
"You don't ... you don't get a right to worry about me anymore. You left."
With that he let go of my arm. Nodding slowly with his eyes casting down towards his feet, he took a step back... mumbling a hoarse, "Alright."
I stood outside the bathroom door for a few minutes. Taking slow, deep breaths I settled my anxious emotions. The bathroom door opened behind me and Harry took a step out. He looked at me tentatively. I don't say anything. Swallowing thickly, I walk towards the dining room, my heels clicking against the tile floor. I can feel him following behind me.
"Oh good! We were looking for you two," an middle aged lady, who's eyes were as green as Harry's smiled broadly at us. "Harry love, we want to take a photo you and the maid of honor. Isabella, correct?
"I uh-"
"Izzy," Harry's raspy voice inturrupts me. "She likes to go by Izzy, Aunt Darla."
I turn my head to look at him. His focus was on his aunt who smiled knowingly at her nephew. "Right, of course. Izzy, hello! I'm Aunt Darla. Darla Styles, Benny and Harry's dad's sister. It's wonderful to meet you."
She grabs me into a tight hug, squeezing me close to her.
"It's nice to meet you."
She smiles warmly. "Well then. Let's bring you to the photographer then to take this photo! You two make a beautiful couple, might I add."
I felt my heart break for the umpteenth time that night. Harry doesn't correct her. My tongue felt heavy in my mouth to speak. So instead, we don't say anything at all and follow her to where the photographer stood.
With fake smiles on our lips, and his hand placed gently on the small of my back, we take the photograph. As soon as shots are done, I walk away from his burning touch and towards the bar, where a drink, maybe of the vodka variety, was needed.
Preferably straight from the bottle.