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When I found out Bane was alive it was only a couple of days after I found out some other particular news about myself, news that I made sure to bury deep down inside me. So deep that even if someone cut me open they wouldn't be able to find it no matter how many years they spent looking through me, no matter what advanced technology they had in their pockets because this is buried so deep that I'll die with it and still, even through death I'd carry the secrecy to no end. But when I did hear his name and the word 'alive' echo out of Levi's lips my world shrunk inside my soul and exploded seconds after. It was like I had killed him all over again, I cried for weeks after that and never cried in front of anyone ever again.
Although, I think a part of me always knew he never died, that he was alive and breathing, that no matter how much I wished for it to be a lie would end up being the opposite. Months after my death I spent them all in private hospitals that Levi had ties with, so at least worrying about me getting caught was lifted off everyone's minds, I say everyone's but I mostly mean Levi's because I never wanted to be alive. So much so that when the doctor left for only a moment I sprung up to my feet, walked over to a little mirror, shattered it to a million pieces and cut open both my wrists. I remember the wild cold rush spreading through my bones making them feel hollow, see through, weak to a point where they became like jelly, and they just couldn't lift me up anymore. My knees hit the floor first then the rest of me followed after. I held onto that glass piece just in case I felt myself not dying, in case I didn't feel as though the blood flooding out of me was fast enough but it was.
The blood- My blood ran fast and merciless as if it heard my pleading prayers and wanted to help end it all. I was happy, terrifyingly happy.
Until my eyes opened and I was staring up at a white ceiling i already had come to despise. I screamed, I remember trying to at least although nothing came out of me. I had no energy to help me scream out my agony so I just laid there feeling my heart slam itself so heavily, so painfully, so fast that I believed it would tear out of my chest and fall onto the tiled floors. It didn't though, but it did keep that rhythm till the doctors rushed back into that room as monitors blared in the background.
Nearly a whole year later and I came across him. He looked so different it was like reading a word you knew all too well but in a completely different font. I knew his eyes like no other though, his lips, his voice and his whole body which was nearly my downfall again. But I didn't crumble, I did shatter but I never crumbled in front of him and that's when I thought that if I kept my eyes from meeting his, that if could avoid his scorching touch and his captivating heart that I could maybe be okay. Not speaking to him came first of course, it was the easiest thing to do. At least until he begun to talk to me, he would always talk to me. I hated him for it and he knew it, but I think that's why he still does it, to see something look back at him instead of the endless nothingness I bore into him.
My point is, is that I don't want that to happen with Max. I don't want to see him and instantly bore complete nothingness into him. I don't want to bite my tongue and not speak, I miss him is the truth. When I said the things I did I was only mad, hurt beyond words and I couldn't see past that. I couldn't separate Max and Bane apart and just saw one person instead of two whole different beings.
So, when my hand touches the cold golden handle of the bars door and I pull, I hope you can understand the sheer terror flipping inside me. However when the warm air hits me I relax a little letting the warmth melt the frost of the tip of my nose.
"MIA" loud cheers erupt and I meet Will who started it in the first place, I shake my head in protest but the smile on my face does little to scare him. "Ray said you were coming but we all said he was crazy and yet here you are"
"Here I am" I hope this wasn't a mistake is what I didn't say out loud but wanted to, very much.
"I'm going to get you a beer-"
"Actually, I'll go, I need to say hi to Mike but I'll meet you-" I look behind him seeing unfamiliar faces all staring at me "I'll meet you and everyone else I know nothing about in a second"
"Okay- oh and Ray is in the bathroom he'll be out in sec, he said he wanted to talk to you but if you came in whilst he was in there to tell you and I quote 'sit your ass down and don't move'" Wills smiles shrugging, I just nod because of course he would, it's Ray after all. I wanted to ask if Max was here but my teeth bit my tongue shut and I was already walking over to bar where Mike stood grinning at me.
"Yeah yeah you're not hallucinating shut up" I say before he could make his stupid jokes. I land comfortable on the spinning chair resting my elbows on the top with a sigh.
"Hey I'm just saying that it's not every day I get to see Mia Evars walk into my bar let alone come with friends who by the way are all freakishly hot"
"And all freakishly annoying" I add in "give me something strong, very strong and I mean it"
"See that's the thing with you M" he says pouring me something in a cup "you see a hot guy but look past all of the godliness and see just annoyingness" the cup he just had in his hand is now placed in front me and I take a full mouthful swallowing it thickly "is Bane gonna be here?"
"Nope, that was not for Bane but for- ah who cares he's not even here, and you know, I'd love to see something other than the overbearing annoyingness in men but it's hard when their solely made of it" my eyes set on the now empty glass cup in front of me.
He chuckles leaning closer over the bar "I can't tell if you're happy or sad about whoever isn't attending this little unexpected party"
"That's sort of her thing"
And just like that.
Just that simply and yet not so simply at all my body goes still. I look up to Mike, to see if he heard the voice too and when his eyes are looking past me I know that I'm not actually entirely insane and that Max is truly behind me, right behind me. My body moves without intent, spinning me around to finally put the voice to the face and I think I choke on air when I see him.
"You never do know what Mia is feeling unless she wants you to know" He smiles. But it's a smile that both says 'hi I missed you' and 'hi are you going to kill me'