allys pov
the same night, (tuesday) - scene left off from last chapter.
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we layed in silence until i found the courage to say "i felt really guilty for eating tonight" in a quiet voice. after admitting it i felt a mix of relief and more guilt. relief that i got it off my chest but also a lot guilty because i had given james more to worry about. more then he deserves.
he immediately turned to look at me. his eyes looked so hurt, this is why i didn't like telling james how i felt, i know deep down it hurts him too.
with a sad tone he said "why baby".
a piece of my heart broke, i tried to hold the tears back, my vision went completely foggy and my hands started to shake. i let my face fall into my hands hurriedly wiping my tears. "i don't know why..." i cried, muffled by my hands over my face.
"als" james sighed and scooped me up in his arms. i felt so safe but still so sad. i could just throw up from how much guilt i was feeling right now.
"is there anything i can do, anything, to make you not feel like that" he said with his face against the top of my head, squeezing my body. he was gently running his fingers up and down my back to calm me. it worked. it's the one thing that always worked.
"i dont know, i feel like it's engraved in my brain" i let a tear slide down my cheek with out wiping it off. why did i have to be so fucking messed up.
"i would do anything to take that idea out of your head ally" james moved to look at me in the eyes while saying that. he used the pad of his thumb to wipe the slow falling tear and then the next.
i looked back down and sobbed a bit, i realised how fucked my thoughts were but yet i couldn't stop them.
he pulled me back close to him, in his arms.
i stayed there sobbing, in fear if i said another word i would make it worse.
everytime i would accidentally sob a bit louder he would pull me in tighter and tighter after laying like that for a bit in his arms while he rubbed my back, my sobs grew quiet.
"i think you're so beautiful ally..." he said quietly, guessing that i had headache from the amount of crying.
when he realised i had calmed down a bit he unwrapped his arms from around me, i felt cold and weak for a moment. but then he held my arm and gently ran his fingers over the old scars on my wrist without looking at them and said "nothing. and i mean nothing. could change how i see you".
i felt a stab in my chest. a good one. i just let what he said sink in. none one had ever told me that before.
in times like this i realised how much i don't deserve james at all. he's too good for me, he deserves someone so much better.
i sat up in the bed and took a deep shaky breath, he sat up with me.
"but thank you for telling me how to feel ally" he leaned his head against mine and held me once again. i nodded and mumbled "mhm". he looked at me worried, knowing usually i would say more then just "mhm", he knew i had something to say that would probably hurt.
"what is it ally" he asked in a worried tone.
...
i was silent for a moment. i looked over at him and said "james, you deserve someone...so much better than me, i don't know why you stay with...this" i gestured to myself.
he shook his head no. almost with a disapproving look, and said "ally, baby, no. i love you and only you"
i sighed and slummed my shoulders. i couldn't look him in the eyes, my vision had gone cloudy again, "i... i just feel so shit because i feel like im keeping you from being with someone better, someone you deserve to be with". i faced back towards him.
he gently moved a stand of hair to behind my ear and said "i will tell you as many times as i have to...only you babe".
later on some time passed and james and i both passed out.
james pov. the next day, (wednesday)
i had woken up and by nature reached out to grab ally beside me but she wasn't there.
i was still in that early waking state we're you don't know if you're still dreaming or not. i snapped out of it and got out of the bed.
i walked out of the bedroom thinking she would be on the couch but she wasn't.
just lars, he must of passed out there or something. he was still in his normal clothes.
i looked out through the window and out the front i saw her and cliff hugging. i instantly felt worried.
...
i walked out the door and to were they were standing, they left the hug and ally came up and hugged me while saying "hi" in a quiet sad voice.
"hey baby" i wrapped my arms around her. i noticed cliff had drawn a cigarette from his jacket pocket and lit it up. he then walked around the back of the house to give ally and i some space for a moment.
"is everything alright?" i asked, her face washed a to a pale colour.
"yeah, i was just talking to cliff... i don't know, sometimes i feel like he knows what to do and what to say, also..." she looked down at her nails "i didn't want to bother you".
"you will never bother me ally" i reasureed her.
she gave me a content nod and replied "i knew you would say that, but it's just a thing in my head y'know?". i nodded and she gave me a kiss
"cliff gives good advice too" she said.
but i already knew that, i always came to cliff if i ever needed guidance or advice, or if i just wanted to talk to someone.
we walked back inside together but she had to leave to go to work about an hour later.
we were all sitting around and decided to be productive and jam a bit. we had been playing around with a few new riffs that kirk and i wrote together with the help of cliff and his knowledge of harmonies.
i think we had an idea for a new song, i think we are planning on calling it no remorse.
we had come up with a basic lay out of the song and and it was left to me to right some lryics.
i had an idea for the chorus, something along the lines of no remorse, no repent, we don't care what it meant.
i built from that.
i managed to get what seemed to be a rough outline of a whole song written in an hour. we jammed on it a bit more and it was sounding really good.
we practiced over some of our others songs and one diamond head one that we all loved, am i evil?
after a few hours of practicing, laying around, drawing, ally came back from work. i heard her car pull up into the driveway and i shot up. i ran to the door and she gave me a hug. i lifted her up. she squealed a bit in surprise but then started laughing.
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