♥ Eren's POV
♥ Enjoy as always and thank you for reading:)
♥ Love u all
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Ever since he was little, Eren loved cars. All kinds of cars. Toy cars, real cars, go-karts, bumper cars, being driven in cars, until he was finally old enough to drive one by himself.
The inner machinations of a car are quite simple. He knew how cars worked, what made them run, what made them halt, how to fix them, where to fix them, what to do to fix them. It was something that he could never fuck up. You go from point A, to point B, to point C. And sometimes, in reverse order. But it was always straightforward.
But that's what he liked about cars. They were predictable. One is able to control them. Even a total idiot could learn every single meticulous detail about operating and fixing cars. I mean, Connie did, after all. That should be enough proof within itself.
However, on the other hand, people were different. Much, much, different.
Exponentially more unpredictable, unable to be controlled, free-willed.
A car could never leave you, you would obviously have to be the one to make it go somewhere. You don't have to read a car's mind to know what it wants, what it's thinking.
If a car breaks down, it's likely the battery, the engine, or a blown tire. If not that, the problem was still simple enough to resolve without much fuss. As if needing more proof, every single vehicle comes with its own manual.
Conversely, if a person were to break down, well, that could mean quite literally anything.
Was it a matter of the mind, or the heart? What was the cause? How do you fix it? Where do you fix it? Are you even able to fix it? There was no manual when it came to fixing people. No clear list of steps to follow, no instructions, no diagrams or play-by-plays. You couldn't particularly contact the original manufacturer, either (especially if the individual in question doesn't... have one, anymore).
There are far too many variables when it comes to dealing with people.
A car cannot lie to you. When a car is at its end, it will clearly tell you.
People will often die before saying what they mean, before telling the truth.
Most of all, Eren knew he couldn't disappoint a car. As stupid as that sounds. It would never judge him, desert him, he could never say the wrong thing to it, hurt it's feelings, et cetera.
You, on the other hand, were nothing like a car. He couldn't read you for the life of him.
From the moment you walked into his life, or rather, got carried into it by a particular blonde ruffian, he spent most of his time thinking about you. Trying to figure out how you operate. And despite his best and valiant efforts, he couldn't.
He wanted to hate you at first. So deeply he wanted nothing to do with you, he assumed you were just another vacuous transplant from some bustling metropolis, a regular city girl that would annoy him to the ends of the earth.
And well, he was right about the annoying part. He was extremely annoyed by you. Annoyed by the effect you had on him. Annoyed at how he couldn't stop thinking about you, how you plagued his thoughts day and night. It was so excruciatingly annoying how selfless you were, thoughtful to everyone, kind and caring to him of all people, even when he's nothing but a self-righteous idiot towards you.
It was true during your first encounter that he thought you were absolutely stunning, but nothing more than a loud mouth brat that he would tame with ease. When you walked in on him in the bathroom, he was convinced you would just be an easy lay.
Even when you were resistant to his charms at first, he had no idea what was in store for him. He observed you throughout the party, the way you moved, talked, how you carried yourself. The way his childhood best friends interacted with you. And at that point he thought to himself, maybe he was wrong, maybe this one was different.
Until it came to playing spin the bottle. He figured that by some stroke of luck you'd end up kissing him, after which no girl has ever failed to falter. They always give in. And god, he found it so fucking boring. Eren liked to work for it. And he couldn't blame those girls, I mean, he was really good at what he does. Then again, even if he wasn't, his looks were more than enough to pull.
So, he figured that would be the end of his short-lived chase, and of your own playing hard to get. Until he was rudely awoken and embarrassed by you in front of all his friends. Well, if Eren could even feel embarrassment in that way, that is. Your little stunt made him want you even more. God it turned him on so much it was downright painful. He'd realized he had finally met his match, someone possibly even worthy of chasing.
The more time he spent with you and around you, the more annoyed he became. He began to realize how much he wanted you, and not just in the initial physical way. Every moment shared was never long enough, especially since half the time he felt like he was ruining it.
He could talk to you for hours, Eren would take a lifetime vow of silence if just to have the privilege of hearing you speak to him. He held onto everything you said, and he savored every conversation the two of you had.
If he never got the pleasure to touch you in this lifetime, he would just wait patiently to find you in the next. He was enamored. And it fucking scared him. It really, really, scared him.
Which is why he had to distance himself from you. Or at least try to.
And he was doing a damn shit job at it at the moment. It was impossible to stay away from you.
The inner turmoil he felt whenever he saw you and spent time with you was egregious. On the one hand, he loved how you made him feel. How someone so pure, so lovely, could possibly want anything to do with him. And conversely, he hated how he let someone like himself tarnish you. He felt like what he was doing was sacrilege, corrupting an angel such as yourself.
And yet he couldn't stay away.
But he knew if he didn't, he would just end up hurting you. Or you would leave him. Eren felt that there was no way where you could happily be with him.
And he was so stupid for even getting ahead of himself, since the last thing you told him was the venmous words he spewed at you; that you two weren't even friends.
It wasn't his fault, he was simply caught in an enchanted cycle of toxicity. A cycle that began a few years back, prior to which he was a loving, bubbly, extroverted mama's boy.
Eren loved his mother. No, he adored her. She was his best friend, next to Armin and Mikasa of course. He was a replica of his mother; big, glistening eyes that revealed his entire soul, and long, thick, brown locks, paired with a heart of gold. Eren was never religious, but even he recognized his mother a saint, she made Mother Teresa seem like a cold hearted bitch. The woman could do no wrong.
They spent a lot of time together, she taught Eren everything he now knows. His favorite thing to do with her was to be in the garden.
When he was really little, he would just keep her company outside, playing in the grass, ripping out weeds and blowing dandelions, as she tended to the garden.
That is, until he got a bit older, and they would often sit outside together, drinking tea or coffee on Sunday afternoons, and he would help her tend to the flowers. Specifically, beds of purple bellflowers decorated the grounds. Sunday was their day. It being a holy day had an entirely different meaning to the two of them.
When Carla got sick a few years ago, that's when Eren started falling apart, started losing himself.
He would do his best to take care of her, as his father was frequently away on business trips, until she could no longer stay at home. Eren would have dropped out of school for her, just to stay home to be by her side, but she wouldn't allow it, and her word was written law.
So, instead, he would keep her company at the hospital. He'd sleep in the hospital room with her more often than not. He tried to keep a cheerful demeanor just to make her feel better. He would read to her, paint with her, just do anything to be with her and try to make her feel happiness.
One day, Eren brought her a small pot of her bellflowers from the garden to brighten up the room, maybe raise her spirits. He was always thoughtful and insightful, as a child and as a teenager.
When she would eventually fall asleep from exhaustion, he would often silently cry himself to sleep. He got so good at it to the untrained eye it really would look like he was sleeping. But the bruised and bleeding lip from biting on it so hard and swollen eyes the following day told a different story. He was becoming a shell of himself, and he was so scared. Eren knew he had to be strong for her, so in the mornings, he would kiss her goodbye before he'd leave for school, before returning to his low demeanor.
When the doctors came with the news that the treatments weren't working as they should, she decided that she wanted to spend her last days at home with her family.
Since that time period, Eren hated hospitals, avoided them entirely. The jarring white lights, the constant beeping of the machinery as if some form of torture, not to mention the smell. Oh god the smell. The sheer thought of it made him feel sick to his stomach.
Even more so, Eren was ecstatic to have her back home, but she was so fragile, she could barely do anything herself anymore. Day after day, she would put on a brave face and bright smile, reassuring Eren that she was fine, that she was feeling better, stronger, even. Anything to convince her only boy that things would be alright.
He still slept in the same room as her, he would exhaust himself listening for her breathing, just making sure she was still there, still alive. Instead of counting sheep to fall asleep, Eren would count her slow, deep breaths. What would he do if she was gone? He couldn't even comprehend the thought.
As with every other morning, he would give her a big kiss on the cheek, and a gentle hug, as she was so frail he didn't want to hurt her, and he left for school. Her once bright hazel eyes had dimmed significantly, as if the light inside her was dying as well. It was all excruciating for Eren, the light leaving her eyes day after day was something he would never forget.
After an arduous day of school and the general tribulations of being a 15 year old, he came home in the afternoon to start preparing supper for the two of them.
He called for his mother as always, however, there was no response. This was unusual, and Eren's mind immediately went to the worst case scenario. Rushing to her bedroom, she was nowhere to be found.
He thought to himself, maybe this was good news, perhaps she'd even gone for a walk. She seemed stronger this morning, after all.
Deciding to check the garden, he walked out of the grandiose doors leading out back.
And there she was, in her garden, surrounded by a plethora of bluish-purple flowers.
This entire memory was a blur to him, but he remembered sprinting towards her body that was laying in the flower-bed that the two of them cultivated for years.
He doesn't even remember dialing 911, but he must have, since shortly after the lifeless body of his beautiful mother that he was holding was being pried from his hands by EMTs. That entire evening was a blur, perhaps his subconscious repressing the traumatic memory.
He came home exhausted. His mind, body, and soul, simply exhausted. Empty, drained of all energy and love.
When the doctor delivered the news he already knew, he didn't even have it in him to cry. Eren doesn't even remember how he got home that night.
On the kitchen table that night he found a note from her.
Her once beautiful cursive handwriting was now faint and stuttered, she must have used all the little strength she had in her to leave him with this last goodbye.
"Always, all ways", the note said.
It was a phrase she always doted him with. Eren had a myriad of memories of her playing with his hair, caressing him as he fell asleep, and she would tell him she loved him always, in all different ways. She saw all the good in Eren, and all the bad, and she loved him regardless. It was through her that he learned what unconditional love was.
She must have known she was withering away, and that was the only thing she could leave him with.
That was the worst day of Eren's life. He was in all ways a loving and caring boy. But that day he felt as though his heart calcified, turning into stone. His mother had left him, and with her, his own heart.
And as if that wasn't punishment enough, he had to phone his deadbeat father and leave him a goddamn voicemail letting him know what had happened, as he was away again.
Eren didn't return to school for a whole month after that.
The first week he spent sobbing, wailing in her room, mourning her. He had so much grief he didn't know where to put it or what to do with it. Eren felt as if his own heart had left with her. As if a pair of cold, greedy hands ripped it right from out of his chest.
His father didn't even show up at the funeral, in fact, he hadn't even heard from him whatsoever.
Grisha was always distant, cold towards Eren. Always on these business trips to god knows where, Eren wasn't even surprised.
However, he was most certainly surprised when a few months later a young man with blonde hair and wire glasses appeared on his doorstep.
Contrary to Eren's initial thoughts, he was not a Jehova's witness, rather, the man came bearing news of his father's death. Or, rather, their father's death.
The second worst day of his life.
Not particularly because of his father dying, more so because he wasn't the one to fucking do it. Eren dreamed of strangling his father until he saw the life leave his already miserable, soulless eyes. Although it had appeared to be karmic retribution, Eren wished he was the deliverance.
He came to know the man before him as his half brother, Zeke. Zeke had found Eren while sifting through their father's belongings after his death, and decided to reach out to him.
Although a peculiar man, the two of them bonded over their mutual hatred of Grisha.
To add insult to injury, Eren had found out through Zeke that this was not the first time Carla was sick.
Apparently the illness first occurred a few years before Eren was even born. During this time, the spineless sack of shit that Grisha is was seeking solace in another woman. And after getting her pregnant, a Zeke Jaeger was thus born.
He had lied to both women, intermittently being with either family. Grisha planned on fully leaving Carla until finding out she was with child. So, he would send money to Dina and Zeke, and disappear for weeks at a time on his elusive 'business trips'.
It wasn't until Carla fell ill the second time when Grisha had had enough. Being the selfish coward that he was, he ran away, leaving Eren to deal with it himself.
After that day with Zeke, something in Eren finally snapped. He was barely holding on a thread as it was, and it was as if someone had cut them all loose.
His sadness and grief had turned to anger. Turned to alcohol, drugs, street racing, fighting, the whole nine yards.
He started being careless with his own life, as he thought he had nothing left to lose. There was no point in living anymore, he felt lost and hopeless, without a purpose.
Mikasa, Armin, and Sasha were the sole reason why he didn't entirely go down the darkest path possible. They both cared for him as if he were their family. To him, he considered his closest friends as family, which made him care even more for them. It was a family he had chosen, and one that chose him back.
Their respective families took him in as their own, and did their best to take care of him. Although it has taken years, he still isn't fully back to his old self, and he likely never will be.
Until you came into the picture, scaring the shit out of him.
Obviously he cared and loved all of his friends, to the point he would do anything for them. But that was platonic.
This was different. A feeling he didn't know he could feel again. He couldn't admit it to himself, not yet, and not to anyone else. Because then it's real. Then it's tangible. Something able to be lost, to be ruined.
The closest he's come to saying how he feels about you out loud is to Mikasa.
But he knows Mikasa better than that. He doesn't have to explicitly say something for her to know what he's thinking or feeling.
Quite frankly, as soon as he blackmailed her (with a certain mislabelled package) to play pong with him that first night she knew something was up. She was finally convinced after he sneakily got your number from her. Eren would never put this much effort into some random hookup. So as any good friend does, she played along, pretending not to know the truth, since he'd deny it anyway.
So when the first friday night football game came rolling around, Mikasa took matters into her own hands and decided to play cupid for the night.
The plan was as always is; tailgate, go to the game, then get wasted at Reiner's. Mikasa knew, however, that you weren't going, for obvious reasons.
She also clued in that Eren wouldn't go if he found out you weren't going.
So, when the two of them were hanging out after class, she decided to give Eren a little push in the right direction.
"You finally coming out with us tonight?", she asks him with raised brows, already knowing how the conversation is going to go.
"Who's all going?" Eren's eyes gleamed hopefully, as he tried not to sound too excited.
"Um, pretty much everyone," Mikasa fake ponders, "Oh, well, except for y/n", she side eyes him. Scrutinizing him for any minor reaction. As good as Eren was at hiding his microexpressions from the rest of the world, Mikasa was like his sister, nothing got past her.
Eren nods silently to himself. He takes his phone out and starts typing.
"Who ya texting?" Mikasa nosily inquired, although she knew the answer.
"Jean's mom," he replies dryly, not even looking up from his phone, to which Mikasa rolls her eyes. Mikasa watches his face contort in displeasure at whatever response he was getting from you.
"Y/n and Jean would make such a good couple, don't you think?", she pushes him further, knowingly manipulating him into the answer she wants to hear.
Eren scoffs at the thought. Jean was one of his best friends, and he wanted to see him happy of course. But he'd also be inclined to beat the shit out of him if he saw him touch you again.
"Don't act like you aren't pining for him," Eren glares at his friend. Mikasa was smart, sure, but Eren also wasn't an idiot. He knew what she was doing, and he was just feeding it back to her. It was all love, of course. They always bickered like siblings.
Mikasa's eyes went wide in shock.
"I-I'm not," she defends herself, "I want him and Y/n to be happy." she says. And it's true, she did. She loved you and him so much she would sacrifice her own feelings for your happiness.
"Listen Mika, you can lie to me all you want," Eren looks over at her with sincerity, "but do yourself a favor and stop lying to yourself, too" he reverts his attention back to his phone.
He was texting you with the goal of trying to get you to come out, but it seemed you wouldn't budge. Moreover, your energy was different. You were snarky, but not in your usual flirty, banter-like way. He was hypersensitive to changes in demeanor, so he wanted to know what was wrong without asking you directly.
"Is, uh, something up with Y/n?", Eren finally asked her, "I'm just texting her about this project we have to do, she seems off", he admits solemnly. He knew things were tense between the two of you, but regardless, you'd never given him the cold shoulder in this manner. Maybe you had finally had enough?
"She's just... uh... going through some stuff" Mikasa mumbles out. It wasn't her place to say anything, but she knew the two of you would bond over your feelings.
"Like, she's PMS-ing?", Eren blurts out.
"No, Eren you degenerate," Mikasa laughs, "like, just some stuff, okay? Personal stuff, none of your business."
"Personal stuff?", Eren repeats, "Like, what, is she filing her taxes right now? What do you mean 'personal stuff'?", his brows knit in confusion.
"Oh my god Eren, no she's not filing her taxes," Mikasa rolls her eyes, "It's also October you dumbass, you file those in the Spring.", she informs him.
"Okay... I'm literally going to sit on you until you tell me so you might as well give in," Eren smirks at her.
"Don't you fucking dare", Mikasa says fearfully. It was funny when they were kids and around the same size, but now Eren towers over her and has at least 50 pounds on her too.
"Is she on a date or something?", his expression turns somber for a moment before it goes back to his regular stature.
"I dunno, is she?", Eren rolls his eyes knowing Mikasa was enjoying this torture, probably retirtbution for years of taunting her first.
"Mikasa I swear to god I'll tell everyone about the time I had to help you fish your tampon out after you forgot to take it out before hooking up with Colt if you don't stop being so cryptic," Eren glares at his friend.
"You're a piece of shit," Mikasa throws a pillow at him, "I was so drunk it wasn't even my fault!", she groans.
"Right... How small was his dick that he couldn't even feel something already in there," Eren pondered.
"Honestly, pretty small... hate to see it...", Mikasa fake pouts.
"Poor guy, small dick AND he had to hook up with you? Couldn't be me, y'all stay safe though" Eren teases her.
"Thanks, Eren, you're such a good friend!", she says sardonically.
"I know," he shoots her a Cheshire grin, "which is exactly why you should tell me what's going on" he tries to convince her.
"If I tell you, you have to swear you won't say you heard it from me," she bargains, "AND you will never repeat the tampon incident", her dark eyes shooting daggers at her best friend.
Eren makes a cross over his heart with his fingers.
And thus, Mikasa gives him a very abridged story, emphasizing that no one else knows, nor should they, at least until you decide to tell them, if you decide, that is.
She added that she will not hesitate to tell everyone and their mother that he thought girls peed out of their vagina until he was definitely far too old.
Eren simply nodded, both out of fear and understanding. But deep down he was furious. How could life be so cruel to someone so incredible as you? He was already far past saving, all he wanted was to take on your pain and carry it for you, so you could be free of your own trauma.
Eren stood up abruptly, grabbing his car keys.
"Where are you going?", Mikasa inquired, although, again, knowing the answer.
"Just going for a drive," Eren replied, slipping his shoes on.
"Are you gonna stop by Reiner's later?", she asks.
"Are you gonna admit you have feelings for Jean?" he pauses and looks up at her.
"What?! No, I-" Mikasa stutters.
"Aha! Caught red-handed", Eren tutted, "but also, in that case, no, I will not be attending"
"But Historia's gonna be so sad you aren't there," she dramatizes.
"Oh well, when you put it like that," Eren gives her a sarcastic look, the both of them laughing at the sentiment, "I'm sure one of Reiner's personalities can distract her."
"Drive safe, love you" Mikasa leans back on the couch, rolling her eyes.
"Love you," Eren yelps as he walks out the door, closing it behind him.
Getting behind the wheel, Eren re-ties his hair in the rearview mirror, pulling the front pieces out (like a SLUT).
Still in park, he focuses back on the steering wheel.
What the fuck was he doing? Fixing his hair?
Going out of his way to see you?
This was getting out of hand. He was getting out of hand. You pissed him off so much half the time, so why was he so drawn to you?
Pulling out of Mikasa's driveway, he makes his way over to your apartment.
It was late evening, so it was dark out. The fall air smelling of crisp rain and soaked leaves.
He never understood why people liked the fall. It symbolized death. Trees losing their leaves, daylight getting shorter, flowers wilting, withering away from the cold. As if he needed to be any more miserable.
But, today was not about him. It was about you, making you feel better. Why? Well, you were Mikasa and Sasha's best friend, so he owed it to them. Or, at least, that's what he convinced himself. It definitely wasn't some lame and selfish excuse to spend more one on one time with you. Certainly not.
On his drive over he was constantly fidgeting with his rings, tapping on the steering wheel. He had this nervous feeling deep inside of him, a feeling he hadn't felt in a while.
Then again, he hadn't eaten in a few hours. That's gotta be what it is.
The drive over to yours was a short one, and he found himself parked in the lot.
It's not too late to turn back... He thought to himself, as his hands were still glued to the steering wheel. He sat this way for about ten minutes, internally battling with himself.
Was he... Nervous? No, definitely not nervous. This was simply just a bad idea, yeah, that's what it is. Eren knew he was more impulsive than others, this was not news to anyone, not even to himself.
Well, it's too late now.
Eren pulls his phone out, and as if his fingers were independent of his own body and volition, they typed for you to meet him outside.
Now, he knew you wouldn't budge so easily, but he was far more stubborn and prideful to just give up.
And lo and behold, your first signs of protests. He knew you'd be just as stubborn if not more, and alas, an immovable object meets an unstoppable force.
After a little bit of self-convincing, Eren's intrusive thoughts took over, leading him out of his car.
Taking one of the pebbles from the beautifully decorated landscaping by your building, he approximated where he'd have to throw.
Seeing your awe-struck face that his text wasn't a bluff made it worth it, especially knowing you probably secretly liked it.
His job was accomplished, so he sat back in the car waiting for you.
His master plan was to take you to one of his favorite recurring car meets on the outskirts of Paradis.
Seeing how excited you seemed when you saw his cars, followed by what little he could clue in, he assumed this would be a good distraction for you. Not only to take your mind off of things, but he wanted to bring you into his world, wanted to share this experience with you. After all, it was something that helped him a lot after his own trauma, so maybe it can help you too.
Interrupting his train of thought, you sulked into the passenger seat of his car.
He couldn't see much of your face, but he could tell you were having a rough day. Despite it all, you made his heart flutter. You were just so... real. It seemed too good to be true. As if he were to reach out to touch you, you would vanish, as some apparition of his mind.
Even though he could see the misery you were in, puffy face, eyes red and glossy, he could feel your warmth radiating from you, from your heart. As if the sun was embalmed within you, even on such a somber fall evening, he felt the comforting heat of summer next to you.
After Mikasa told him the reason for today's sorrow, he couldn't believe it. How could someone with so much light protruding out of them, so much love and optimism hold so much pain.
It made him angry. Angry at the world for letting something like that happen to you, angry at you for appearing so happy all the time, angry at himself for being even more drawn to you after finding out everything.
On the drive over, he had to consciously stop himself from looking at you, especially since you'd called him out on it prior.
It was also insanely impressive to him how annoying you were, pestering him about where you were going, considering how depressing you looked.
A few miles later and the two of you reached your destination.
Eren basked in how your eyes somehow lit up when you realized where he took you. Despite trying to hide it from him, albeit unsuccessfully. The energy in the car shifted immediately. It was weird how receptive Eren was to changes of frequency. It's as if your aura completely brightened.
Then again, he was always like that, even as a kid. It was at around seven years of age when Eren realized what he did or said was responsible for other people's feelings. He was responsible for other people's feelings, particularly making them feel good.
He knew that if his dad was angry or stressed, he would often take it out on his mom. In turn, his mom would feel sad, and no matter how much she tried to hide it, he could feel it. Her presence and energy was that strong. Being the perceptive kid he is, he always tried to distract his dad when he sensed these switches in behavior.
If he acted accordingly, acted how his dad wanted, then mom would be happy. If he was a good boy, Grisha would treat him with moderate respect. And he was grateful each time he was recognized by his father. Respect and love, if one could even call it that, from Grisha was conditional. That's how manipulative the bastard was.
He was brought out of his thoughts by someone calling his name.
"Luka," Eren smiled at his old friend. Luka was one of the first guys he had met when he got into the car scene. They both were standoffish at the start, not drawing too much attention to themselves, which is what brought them close.
Although they rarely saw each other outside of the car setting, they'd ride or die for one another. Their loyalties to each other weren't a question at all.
Luka kept to himself, had a few friends in his inner circle, but if you were one of them, you might as well be blood to him.
There were a few instances where the two boys had some run-ins with some not so friendly faces looking for trouble.
A few months ago, Luka and Eren were fixing up Eren's old car when local lowlife Floch Forster turned up with his gaggle of degens. They were looking to steal some parts to resell, unbeknownst to them they came upon the wrong pair.
More so annoyed than anything, Eren remembers how they approached the situation peacefully at first. That was until Floch brought Eren's mom into the conversation, at which point both Eren and Luka saw red.
Luka sighed to himself, before pulling out his trusty crowbar and swinging it at them, knocking one of Floch's guys on his ass before spitting on him for style points. The two boys had nothing to lose, and those types of people are the most dangerous. Not a stranger to fights, in the midst of the chaos Eren sucker punched Floch, almost knocking his stupid haircut off his dome. Eren's knuckles were bloodied red, unsure if it's more his blood of Floch's on them from the sheer force of the impact.
They didn't hear from them for months, until tonight, when Luka mentioned that Floch was looking for him as well.
Eren heard his name again.
Fuck. he thought to himself.
Maybe this wasn't a good place to bring you after all.
He stared at Hitch in shock as she squeezed her tits against him when kissing him on the cheek.
Call him Light Yagami, since in that moment he's never been more provoked to hit a woman. Which, he would never do. However, he would definitely love it if you did it for him! Although, he was concerned with how turned on he would get if he saw it happen.
He started panicking internally, as he was sure this ordeal would upset you, but he was quickly proven wrong.
You stood your ground, your never-ending confidence shining through. He was getting hard at what you were doing, how you were acting, how you were touching him, and now was definitely not the time.
He had to start doing mental math problems in order to calm Little Eren down.
After you got rid of Hitch, he stared at you in awe. He knew you had an attitude and could hold your own, but you hadn't shown much of this side in front of the others, and he liked it. It felt like his one little secret show. He felt somewhat special even, as if you felt comfortable enough to show this side of you to just him.
Although he would have loved to see you clothesline Hitch, he was happier he didn't have to bail you out of jail tonight.
Plus, she was irrelevant. They hooked up once, not even having sex, since Eren threw up shortly after making out with her due to severe intoxication. But we don't have to talk about that.
As if Hitch wasn't enough, Ymir decided to pop out of no where and fucking flirt with you in front of his face.
He loved Ymir, she was like a sister to him. More so his twin, the both of them hotheaded, stubborn, but extremely loving creatures. Not to mention they look nearly identical. Other than Mikasa and Armin, Ymir was one of the main reasons why Eren didn't spiral. Where Mikasa and Armin were caring and thoughtful, gentle with him, Ymir was the opposite. She empathized with him, after all, Carla raised her as well. But she gave him tough love, keeping him in order, making sure he doesn't self-destruct.
As if salt to a wound, Zeke's hairy ass had to ruin his moment with you, with none other than Marcel.
Although Zeke had pulled him away from you to talk, he could barely focus. His entire attention was on your interaction with Marcel, and he was furious that he wasn't close enough to eavesdrop.
That conniving motherfucker.
Fucking Marcel Galliard.
The nicest fucking guy on the planet. If anyone would treat you well it would certainly be him. He wasn't sure why such a nice guy associated himself with his half brother, but he wanted to beat the shit out of him.
Break his fingers so he couldn't text you.
Cut his tongue off so he couldn't call you.
His inner turmoil in this moment was monumental. Eren had never felt jealous in his life, he never had to be, and he hated the feelings. Never had he wanted someone in his life to this extent where he had to feel jealous.
He had to calm down. Punch a wall maybe. And then definitely calm down after.
After an eventful evening with you, you had asked him to drop you off at your uncle's, which he obliged.
Spending time with you made him realize how similar you two were. Dangerously similar. And his idiot mouth spoke before his stupid brain could think. The words just came out like vomit, and if he could punch himself in the face he would.
He has made you cry countless times in the past month he's known you, and he could never forgive himself for that, which is another reason why he needed to distance himself.
He reminded himself of his father in these moments. Full of hatred.
"Daddy hits me 'cause he loves me" type of bullshit. He makes you cry by being stupid, and then wants to be the one to console you after the fact. It just reminded him of when his father would lash out at him, and then apologize by saying he was just 'in a bad mood' or 'stressed at work'.
Fuck.
The worst part is how much you still cared. How much love you still showed him despite how he treated you.
You closed the car door, and he waited outside to make sure you were inside safely.
His jaw dropped to the ground when he realized your uncle was his university English professor.
Double fuck.
****************************
*Reiner's party*
"I miss Y/nnnnn, " Sasha drunkenly groans to Mikasa, the two girls standing in the kitchen chatting and refilling their drinks.
"I know," Mikasa sighs, "Is it weird how close I feel to her?"
"Nahhh, *hiccup* she's like a sistaaaa forreal forreal," Sasha slurs, sipping her mixed drink.
"Why do you and Connie sound like you share the same single brain cell whenever you drink," MIkasa pokes fun at her friend.
"Iunno," Sasha shrugs, "sometimes it feels like it's only half a brain cell if I'm being honest.", earning a giggle from Mikasa.
"Also," Sasha swirls the mystery drink in her red solo cup, "Is it me or is it a coincidence that Eren isn't here when Y/n isn't here?"
Mikasa sips her own jungle juice silently, pondering what to say.
"Sash if you say anything I'll shave your head so you'll look like Connie too," MIkasa stares sternly as Sasha makes an 'x' with her fingers over her heart, "But, Eren's with Y/n right now."
Sasha's eyes grow wide.
"Yeah," Mikasa nods. And to that Sasha chugs the rest of her drink.
"Holy fuck, *hiccup*," the girl nearly pukes, "I was right!" she exclaims, "I knew something fishy was going on."
"I have so many questions," she adds.
"We can talk when we're sober, let's go find the others." Mikasa grabs her friend's hand as the two of them make their way to the main party.
Around the corner, they bump right into a very large, tall body.
"Reiner!" the boy catches Sasha from flopping over, "Sorry hehehe," Sasha giggles.
"No worries," he offers a gentle smile, "Let me get you some water" he says as he walks off towards the kitchen.
"Thank youuuhoooooo, my armored knight! *hiccup* I mean my knight in shining armor!", Sasha blurts before being dragged off by Mikasa into the depths of the crowd.
Reiner stands above the kitchen sink, disappointed and let down.
He wants to give you the benefit of the doubt, but he overheard the last bit of the girl's conversation. He wasn't listening in on purpose, but Sasha was just so damn loud.
Did you lie to him? He couldn't shake the uneasiness. He felt... hurt.
Shaking off the thoughts, he figured he'd talk to you in person, regardless of how let down he felt at the moment.
************************************
After seeing you in Erwin's comforting grasp, Eren drove away.
He drove around aimlessly for a few hours, mentally beating himself up.
Maybe Grisha was right, maybe all he truly was was a fuck-up.
God, the man has been cold in his grave for years and Eren still feels his introjection into his subconscious.
All he can hear in his head are reverberating thoughts about how much of a failure he is, a disgrace, how much better the world would be without him.
A lot of the time Eren wishes he was the one that died instead of Carla. He concluded the world would be a better place in that scenario.
He feels like crying, but he isn't the same snot-nosed kid he used to be. There was no one left now, no one left to comfort him, console him, tell him everything would be okay. He was on his own.
His friends loved him of course, he knew he could go to them if need be, but he didn't want to be a burden the way he knows that he is.
When he had enough, he drove back home, sitting in the car.
The worst part was the fact that your scent lingered ever so slightly. He didn't want to risk opening the doors and letting it air out. So, he sat there. Just a couple minutes longer, at least until he could no longer sense your lingering presence. It was both ghostly to him, yet he found solace in it. Although the seat no longer held your warmth, at least he could bask in what was left in your absence.
God if anyone saw how pathetic he was being right now. If he saw himself from the third person he'd beat himself up.
He leaned his head on the steering wheel in defeat, sighing deeply. He felt like he was losing control, everything he was feeling felt so foreign to him.
Eren pulled out his phone, calling the one person he knew would reel him in, knock some sense into him.
"Jaeger? Twice in one night, ya miss me that much huh?", the snarky voice on the other line chuckled.
"I just called to tell you I still get more bitches than you," Eren scoffed into the phone.
"Now now, Eren, there's no need to lie! No shame in being bitchless, we've all been there," Ymir rasps, "Well, not me personally, but, I'm sure you're used to it."
Eren simply sighs again deeply. His brain was too foggy and tired to think of a good comeback, for the first time in like, ever.
"You good over there Darth Vader? Could you possibly breathe any louder?" Ymir pokes at the boy, "What's going on princess, you rarely call me any more, talk to me," she beckons, knowing something was up.
"Ymir," Eren stated into the mic.
"Eren," she mocked his serious tone.
"Why do I keep hurting people", he said mostly to himself.
Ymir's steady breathing the only thing heard between the lines.
"I'll never be enough, will I", Eren continued, Ymir's silence allowing him to speak.
"Ymir I miss her so much..." he whispered, "I'm scared I'm gonna turn into him.."
A few seconds of silence haunted the phone call before Ymir spoke up.
"I know Ren, I miss her too," she admitted, "She was like a mother to me too, yknow."
"But she's right here with us, in spirit at least. The flowers you keep in the garden, as long as they grow her soul will have a haven there. Every colorful sunset is her painting the sky for you. Her heart is still beating inside of you. You carry her with you everywhere you go. You are your mother's son, Eren. You keep her memory alive.", she spoke candidly.
Eren's chest tightened at his friend's kind words.
"I know... you were like the daughter she never had," Eren's eyes stung, "And never wanted.", he jokes, to which Ymir scoffed. The two of them could rarely be serious, especially in vulnerable moments.
"So then why do I feel like I'm becoming him...", Eren struggles to say.
"Eren, I know you're angry. Fuck, the whole universe fuckin' knows by now. And you have every right to be. But you are nothing like that selfish cuck. Man we all know how much you've been through, but you gotta start letting some love in. Stop being such a pussy. I don't know what you think you fucked up, but get off your pathetic diva ass and go fix it and stop whining", Ymir adds.
"I hope you're right," he replies, holding the bridge of his nose between his fingers.
"Well, I'm a woman after all, so that means I'm always right, and I'm also me, which means I'm also never wrong," Ymir recites, "Go take a bubble bath and jerk off or something, clear your head, do whatever your weird little prepubescent smooth brain does to relax. We can talk about it later, but you sound exhausted.", she finishes.
Eren hums in agreement.
"What happened with your little lady friend, L/n?", she inquires to Eren's chagrin.
"Get this, Smith is her uncle," Eren groaned, completely forgetting about that small detail.
Ymir lets out a genuine laugh, "Fuck, you're actually done for. You're fucking our profs neice?", she continued laughing, "I mean hey, good taste don't get me wrong, but he's gonna lay you out to fuckin' dry. I heard two guys tried to rob him at gunpoint and he took it out of the guy's hands and shot his kneecaps while restraining the other guy until the cops came", Ymir wipes her eyes from laughing so hard.
"Yep. So I've heard!", Eren groans into the steering wheel, "We also aren't fucking."
"Right, you're telling me you voluntarily hung out with the girl and she didn't give you top in the backseat?", she said skeptically.
"Nah it's not like that," Eren says, "She's just a friend."
A friend. Right.
"Right, well, whatever helps you sleep at night...", Ymir trails off, "Since she's a free agent I'd go for her but she's not really my type. I like 'em meek, when I can make them nervous, y'know?"
"And you say I'm nasty? You sound like a predator right now", Eren rolls his eyes.
"Well you are. Say, you know her little blonde friend? Fuck, what was her name... Christa? Not asking for a friend I'm asking for me", Ymir inquires.
"Historia?" Eren nearly chokes at her statement.
"Yea yea, blondie!" she exclaims.
"I, uh, I'm not sure she swings that way, but I encourage you to take her off my hands. Not sure if she'll go willingly, after all, ladies love me," Eren boasts.
"Whatever, I'll have her riding my face in no time... After all, I look just like you, except better in every way", she proudly states, "Anyways, I gotta run, great talk. Text me if you need me", Ymir says before ending the call.
Well, she certainly made him feel better, in a weird way. He trusted Ymir with his life, her opinion meant the world to him, and he knew she'd always be honest with him too.
Eren inhaled and exhaled deeply one last time before leaving his car finally. He was drained, so he took his spot on the couch and got comfy.
As he was drifting to sleep, his phone dinging shook him awake.
Y/n
did u get home safe?
Fuck. He put a pillow over his head and groaned loudly.
After everything, you still cared to make sure he got home. And he still forgot to tell you that he did.
Eren
yea my b i just got in
Fuck. Does he say something else?
No. You don't want to hear from him, he should just leave it.
Eren
i'm sorry for earlier
Eren hit himself repeatedly in the face with the pillow. Way to make it weird!
Though half-lidded eyes he eyed the screen as the three little dots kept bubbling, his heart racing with each passing second awaiting your answer.
Y/n
thanks for saying that
i still had a lot of fun though
Eren
me too
who knew you were actually fun to hang out with :o
Y/n
right well
i'll be at the lib tmr if u need help w ur english class
Eren couldn't help but smile at your text. Maybe everything would be okay after all?
Eren
touché
2pm work for u?
Y/n
2pm :)
Eren
see u then :)
get some beauty sleep
lord knows u need it
Y/n
*seen 1:28am*
Eren smiled to himself, loving your snarky message before swiftly falling asleep.
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♥ 8.2k words
♥ Sending everyone love during these trying times<3 Until next time!