chapter thirty five
{ unedited }
IT WAS THE LAST FRIDAY OF THE TERM BEFORE WINTER BREAK, the day slowly coming to an end. It had only been two days since the session with Paul about love but it was still on loop in Rowan's mind. At times it would make her feel lighter but at most it weighed her down and she couldn't quite place why. Paul hadn't said anything special, not really, and Rowan didn't believe a word he said about her but it still stuck with her. She had a feeling it would do so for the rest of her life.
That didn't mean Rowan wasn't hurt by Grace's actions and words anymore. She was. Sure, it wasn't enough to break her like she told Abby but it still hurt. Being abandoned and hearing excuses for it rather than the truth was not something that could easily be forgotten nor forgiven. Rowan didn't want to hold anger towards Grace, anger was an emotion that reminded her too much of her father and she never wanted to hold that sort of resentment towards anyone, but she couldn't stop the ugly feeling from making a home in her heart.
Grace wasn't the only one Rowan held anger for. There was also the person who was receiving her voicemails without correcting her that it was the wrong person. It wasn't like Rowan thought that was impossible, she always knew it was a possibility but she had a feeling she couldn't quite shake off that the person who was receiving them was the one Cameron was staying with. That was what made her angry. They knew everything but did nothing to help but now that everything went to hell, they would seem like Cameron's hero.
Of course, that was only an assumption but Rowan felt like it was the most likely.
Rowan pushed everything to the back of her mind when she saw someone leaning against her locker, their attention on her phone. She was hoping it was Abby but luck seemed to be against her side again today as the girl turned to face her, revealing to be none other than Ginny Miller.
"Hey," Ginny greeted as Rowan walked closer, turning her entire body to face Rowan with a hesitant smile on her face as she clutched onto her bag tightly. "Can we talk?" Rowan knew the responsible thing to do was to say no and go to her next class but she didn't for two reasons; she was not in the mood to deal with Gitten who seemed to be getting worse as the days passed and Ginny would not have waited by her locker if it wasn't something important.
"Sure."
The two were in the art room on the third floor, the one place Rowan knew they wouldn't get interrupted from whatever Ginny had to say. She was still waiting for the girl to talk as she sat on the chair, facing Ginny who insisted on staying standing by the door.
"I, um..." Ginny trailed off, her hand going to her wrist as she kept her gaze on her feet. Rowan's head tilted slightly when seeing the elastic band around her wrist, her brows furrowing when Ginny would flick it against her wrist repeatedly. Surely that could not be healthy. But Rowan did not point it out or ask, that was not her place. They weren't friends, knowledge was not a privilege between the two. "I heard what happened."
Rowan bit back the remark of how everyone had heard what happened to her, instead remaining silent as she waited for Ginny to continue. She wondered if Ginny had talked to any of her friends since she got back, specifically Abby. Then again, Abby would avoid her. Rowan knew that much. Abby was still annoyed at Ginny for throwing her into the eye of the hurricane which is Max's wrath.
"I'm sorry. For everything I said and how I acted. I didn't know but that's no excuse." Rowan leaned back in her chair, sighing as Ginny met her gaze. She took a guess of what to expect now; a repeat of apologies and excuses. She made sure to keep her face blank, void of any emotion. "I really am sorry. I don't blame you if you don't believe me but I am. Truth is, you're, like, really amazing and smart and kind and caring and Georgia loved you instantly and that scared me."
Rowan was not expecting that, her lips parting slightly in shock. Or was it disbelief? Rowan couldn't tell and she didn't have time to figure it out as Ginny kept talking.
"It was like you were more of a daughter to her than I was sometimes. God, you should've heard the way she talked about you. She was always so proud. I didn't get it. How could she love someone who she just met that much already? And Marcus too, the way he talked about you, the way he cares about you. I didn't get it and I guess I was jealous. And then with Max, I dunno, I guess it was easy hating you alongside her. But you didn't deserve that. Nobody deserves that but with everything you were dealing with too, I'm sorry for making it worse. I didn't want to add to your burden, that's not fair to you and I am so, so sorry."
Rowan wasn't sure how to respond. Out of everything, she did not expect the reason for Ginny's hatred to be jealousy. That didn't make sense to her. Why would Ginny be jealous of her? Why would anyone? Yes, Ginny explained it but it still made no sense to Rowan. There was nothing of her or her life to be jealous of. She was mediocre at best, there was no part of her to envy.
But Rowan did not say that. She did not want to make it seem like she was belittling Ginny's feelings with her own confusion. To echo Ginny, that's not fair to her.
Instead, she said, "Georgia loves you. She loves you like crazy. But, either way, I don't want to invade on your guys' relationship and family. I never knew it went that far so I apologise―"
"No!" Rowan flinched back at the loudness of her tone and Ginny muttered an apology quickly. "Sorry. I don't want you to apologise. And yeah, Georgia loves me but...I dunno, she isn't as perfect as you think."
"Yeah? You wanna switch?" The words tumbled out of Rowan's mouth before she could stop them and she regretted it instantly as Ginny's face fell and she looked away quickly, gulping harshly.
"Sorry."
"It's alright. I know she isn't perfect, I mean that's pretty fucking obvious, but she loves you. I know it's not my place to get between you two and defend her or whatever but wouldn't you rather have a parent who loves you enough they'd kill for you than one who tries to kill you?"
Ginny's head snapped to Rowan so quickly that it hurt Rowan by just watching. Ginny's eyes were wide, her body going still as she asked, "what?" She looked scared. Rowan didn't understand why. That was starting to become a normal thing in this conversation she realised.
She didn't like it.
"What...?"
"Nothing," Ginny said with a firm shake of her head, her curls bouncing around her face and her eyes still wide. "Anyways, I am really sorry. I hope you can forgive me even though I don't deserve it. That's all. Bye, now." The door slammed shut behind Ginny before the words finished coming out, leaving a very confused Rowan behind in the art room.
° ✩ • ☽ ° ✩ •
Rowan had been called into Paul's office after school, the reason unknown to her. He had claimed it to be an emergency when talking to Jay so the social worker was driving her there while remaining completely silent, an uncomfortable atmosphere filling the car. Jay hadn't said much to her since the day she ditched school to see Grace. Rowan wasn't sure if she preferred silence over bitterness.
The car pulled up into the parking lot, Jay letting out an audible sigh while turning the engine off. "The guards have been telling me you don't sleep at night anymore." This time Rowan was the one to sigh, hitting her head back against the seat and forcing herself to look at the man. She didn't say anything, knowing that saying what was on her mind, how he doesn't need to pretend to care, would probably snap him out of his silence and back to the bitter man she knows him to be.
Besides, it wasn't like he cared enough to ask about the reason. He was a social worker, he should care. He should ask where she went that day she skipped school. He should care that she went to go see her stepmother. He should care that the cry of a baby was haunting her whenever she tried to sleep, a constant reminder that she simply wasn't enough. He should care that not seeing her brother for this long was tearing her apart.
But he didn't.
Rowan doubted he ever would.
"I'll get you something to help." Rowan didn't reply, instead taking her seatbelt off and opening the car door. "I do care, you know," Jay said as she stepped out of the car and she turned to face him when out of the car. "You can talk to me about these things and I can help. I care."
"Sure you do," Rowan mumbled before slamming the door shut, stuffing her hands into her pockets as she turned to the building. She wondered what it was that Paul called her in for on a day that was not a scheduled baby visit. She hoped it was an update on when she could see Cameron. Detective Brooks wasn't that helpful on that anymore, only keen on getting through the investigation as quickly as possible.
Not wanting to keep Paul waiting any longer, Rowan made her way into the building. The receptionist let her straight through, saying Paul was waiting for her already and to go straight in. Still, Rowan knocked on the closed door and waited for the familiar come in before walking into the room.
Surprisingly, Paul wasn't in his usual seat when Rowan walked in. Rather, he was sprawled across the couch with the light closed and the blinds pulled down, almost as if he was having a bad day and wanted to be alone or had just woken up from a nap. Luckily, it was still light enough for Rowan to see without having to switch on the light.
"This is certainly professional," Rowan quipped as she stood at the foot of the couch, looking down at the man. His hair was tousled, his eyebags prominent and his clothes creased. It comforted her to know that even an adult with his life put together could look as shitty as she felt most of the time.
"It's after hours," Paul grumbled as he sat up, throwing his phone behind him. "But I'm glad you could make it, I have good news for you. Sit, sit, please," he ushered her to the couch as he stood up, taking his usual seat. Rowan wasn't sure what to make of the smile he was sporting as she sat at the edge of the couch, her thumb making a home on her collarbone as the habit of tapping repeatedly came into play.
"This is entirely your choice, remember that. Now, I know juvie is not exactly ideal for you." Rowan couldn't help but snort at that and Paul's smile grew slightly, his eyes twinkling even in his tired state. "I've been calling some friends, some that have been hoping to foster and I explained your situation to them, I hope that is okay." It wasn't but Rowan felt like this was going somewhere good so she didn't say anything. "You'll be happy to know one of them, a man around the same age as myself, is more than willing to let you stay with him as the investigation continues and is even willing to pay your hospital bills for you so you won't be in debt―"
"What about Cam?" Rowan interrupted, leaning forward on the couch, the tapping of her thumb quickening. "Can he stay as well? Would I be able to see him?"
Paul's smile faded away. "I'm sorry, Rowan, but the rules of the investigation would still stand. You only need two more sessions before I can arrange something that allows the two of you to meet again. And, of course, when it's over you'll be moved to the care of the one currently caring for Cameron. This new home is for you and, while temporary, I promise you will be cared and loved for. And you'd be able to get your phone back as well as your car, though the latter might take some more time. Please do think―"
"Yes." Rowan didn't have to think about it, she knew what her answer would be instantly. Anything was better than juvie and this way she would have more freedom, more chances to see Cam without being under supervision. She could start going on her drives again, smoke again, do whatever she could to destress.
And she could talk to Abby outside of school again.
"When?"
"I'll arrange something as soon as possible but I'm hoping before school lets out for the Christmas break." Next Wednesday, then. Five days. Rowan could last five more days in prison. Five more days and then she'll have some freedom. Not complete freedom but it was still something. Her thumb stilled against her collarbone. "There's something else I wanted to talk to you about," Paul said, more serious this time. "About Stevie."
"Stevie?" Rowan asked, the happiness she felt earlier not fizzling away, short-lived as it always seemed to be. "What's wrong with Stevie? Did something happen?" She asked, her brows furrowing slightly. She wasn't aware of something being wrong with them except what was happening with Marcus but she doubted they told their fathers about that.
"I was hoping you could find out. I know it's unprofessional of me to ask this from you but something is wrong with Stevie and there has been for weeks now. Every time I try to talk to them, they lock themselves in their room and stay there. They don't eat as much anymore either. They used to be so happy, so lively, always out with friends but now they just stay in their room all day. My husband and I, we can't get anything out of them. I hoped you would have better luck considering you're friends. We just want to know if they're okay and what we can do to help. Please could you try talking to them?"
"Of course," Rowan replied instantly. She had a feeling it was all to do with Marcus but she wouldn't tell Paul that if Stevie did not want him to know. And if something else was wrong, Rowan wasn't sure if they would tell her but she could try. She would. Stevie was her friend, of course she would try. "Yeah, yeah, I will."
"Thank you," Paul said with a smile that lit up his face. It was still something Rowan didn't understand; the unconditional love parents have for their children. She could see it in Paul's smile and it was probably the first time she had seen it up close. Some children were so lucky and they didn't even realise it. Stevie did know and Ginny was starting to understand but some who lived here still had no clue.
Rowan both pitied and was jealous of them.
"I'll be going now then," Rowan said, slowly standing up and Paul shook his head as if being snapped out of a daze and nodded quickly.
"Right, yes, of course. Thank you for coming in on such short notice. I'll sort this out as soon as I can, I promise."
"Thank you, Paul," Rowan said with a sincere smile. She had an urge to hug Paul to show her gratitude but she pushed it away after giving it a second of thought, knowing that she would end up overthinking it later and become uncomfortable the next time she saw him at one of the sessions. "Goodbye."
"Bye."
It was when Rowan had stepped out the room and about to walk past the reception area that she was called back. "A lady dropped this off for you," the lady at the desk said, handing Rowan a note with a clipped smile before going back to her computer.
Rowan looked down at the note in confusion but it melted away when she saw what was sprawled across the front in a handwriting she could recognise anywhere. Georgia. She did it. She followed through on Rowan's request.
Where Cameron is currently staying.
Be safe.
✩ • ☽ ° ✩ • ─── NOTE
it's a pretty shit chapter but
long overdue since the last
update was september i'm
pretty sure. this is as a thank
you to all the new readers who
have somehow managed to get
this book to 146k, over 100k in
less than a month. anyways,
here is a long overdue chapter