Chapter 9 - When the Roses Cry
I awoke but my eyes were closed. It was Saturday, my last full day here with Johnny. I was not looking forward to waking up, not knowing when or if I would ever see him again after tomorrow. I clenched the sheets and pulled them up to me, my body hurting all over. Tears flowed down my face as I opened my eyes. It was a cloudy day, unusual for southern California, and the sky mirrored how my heart felt. I slowly got up and sat on the edge of my bed and took a deep breath. I wonder if Johnny is feeling the same way as I am about today. I looked over to my dresser and there sat another surprise. He never forgets and it made my heart happy at that moment. It was a single rose, fully bloomed, with a note attached to it. "Look in all the places that are special to us." Fully bloomed? The rose was fully bloomed! Does this mean he was ready to give his heart? I needed to find him. Before I left my bedroom, I noticed a rose sitting on the chair next to my bed. "It was here that I confided my heart's secrets to you while you slept. You are beautiful when you sleep, an angel." Little did he know I was not asleep that night and heard every word he said. I held the rose tightly in my hand recalling the beautiful memory of that night.
As I made my way downstairs, I noticed Maria busy in the kitchen. "Maria, do you know where Johnny is?" Maria smiled at me. "He went to the city with Stephen for a while, but he will be back soon! Can I get you anything?" "No thanks." Maria nodded her head and went into another room. Look in all the places that are special to us.... I ran back upstairs, knowing his bedroom was one of those places. I slowly opened his door and saw a rose sitting on his bed. "Our souls merged for the first time here. I will never forget the warmth of your skin, your gentle touches, your sweet lips." Tears escaped my eyes. This is going to be harder than I thought. Never forget? No, don't think the worst Julie! I can't think of the worst, I can't. I looked towards the bathroom and made my way there. A rose was against the shower glass. "My mind was racing in here and you came and calmed it with your loving embrace. You calm me in ways so sweet and that means more to me than you know." My heart is breaking but I must go on and find the rest of the roses.
I made my way to the kitchen to get a drink of water. My head was spinning, and my heart was hurting as I held the four roses to my chest. "Johnny has changed for the better since you came here. His heart is happy for the first time in months. He's fallen in love with you, even if he doesn't want to admit it." Maria said to me with a sweet smile. "I really wish you would stay." My breath was shaky as I was trying not to cry again. "I want to, I really do, but I don't see how I can." Maria came over to me and rubbed my arm. "Love always finds a way" she said as she hugged me and went on her way. Dammit! I don't know what to do and it's breaking my heart. I looked out into the living area and noticed a rose on one of the chairs. "We shared a lot here this night after a beautiful date. I played you a song that is meant only for you. You are my inspiration, my world." I smiled, remembering the beautiful song that he played for me. I remember his soft kiss on my lips as I drifted off to sleep on the couch that night. I still wanted to kick myself for falling asleep on him that night!
I went into the music room before I made my way outside. There were two roses, one on the guitar, and one on the piano. I went to the guitar and ran my fingers along the chords, smiling as I remembered that day. "I loved showing you how to make beautiful music. The passion was intense, and my heart fell deeper into yours." I gasped. Maybe he has fallen in love and is afraid to admit it, just like I have. I never thought this would happen. Not only for myself but him as well. I made my way over to the piano and picked up a rose that was on the piano keys. "A beauty wrapped in a sheet that sang beautiful notes made just for her. How those sounds have stayed with me and made their way into my heart." I smiled, remembering how he made me sing those lines and shook my head. I stopped by the kitchen on my way out to retrieve the journal I had hidden in the drawer. Thankfully, it was still there. I had an idea on what else I would put inside it, after I collected all the roses.
I made my way outside to the gazebo, the skies had become darker, and it looked like rain was evident. I'm starting to think the sky is matching the vibe of my heart. I picked up the rose that was laying on the railing. "This is where we first met. Your beauty took my breath away, so natural, so pure. I knew then my heart was in trouble." I felt the same. I felt totally comfortable with him at that first meeting. I knew my heart would be in trouble too. I looked out onto the trail that led through the gardens. I smiled as I made my way to the beautiful garden sanctuary. I loved this spot; it was one of my favorites on the whole property. As I walked inside, I saw a rose on one of the black benches. "From the first time I brought you here to the next, my heart wanted all of you. I'm sorry I got scared. I want nothing more than for you to be the star in my sky." This man keeps bringing me to tears. Damn him and his words! They were beautiful and tugged at my heart each time. It was getting harder for me to want to leave. Could I leave? The power of the heart is strong, and I didn't know if I could ignore it much longer.
I headed to the last place I knew of on the property that was special to us, the art studio. I made my way upstairs to the balcony. Sure enough, there was a rose on the railing. "Our first kiss was shared up here. I will never forget it. My heart calls out to yours needing something more." Needing something more? He was a beautiful puzzle that I wanted nothing more than to put together into a beautiful picture. Our picture. I sat down on the outdoor couch and held the bouquet of roses I now had. All fully bloomed. I looked out towards the city as tears streamed down my face. At the same time, I felt raindrops starting to fall from the sky. A light rain had started, and I could not move. The rain trickled down the roses I was holding. My heart was crying, all I wanted to do was stay but my life wouldn't let it happen that way. I sighed as I brought the roses back downstairs. I headed for the small couch to start writing in the journal that I had gotten for Johnny when I noticed another rose on the art easel. "I will forever cherish the beautiful art piece you created for me. Your heart calls out to mine. I can't ignore it anymore. Meet me outside quarter to five." Five?! I looked at my phone, it was 2pm. I had not realized I'd been outside most of the morning and afternoon. Where has Johnny been all day? Maybe he needed some time as well, as this was a hard day on both of us. We knew what we both wanted but didn't know what to do to get it. I spread the roses on the table. I took each notecard off each rose and tore one petal off from each rose to put inside the journal, page by page, I answered them.
"1. Every place with you by my side is a special place. 2. I heard every word you spoke this night, and you fell deeper inside my heart. I'm glad you stayed within my arms that night. 3. Our souls shared an intense, passionate connection I could never explain, you made me believe in love again. 4. I only wish you could trust again but until then I'll wrap you in my arms like you've never been. 5. I will be your inspiration, again and again, if you only let me in. 6. The passion of the guitar is something I will never forget, for only you could set my heart on fire. 7. I'll sing for you, but only you, for you're the one my heart desires. 8. I knew I was in trouble the first moment I met you. Your eyes, your voice, I knew I'd have no choice. 9. Don't apologize for your heart was not ready. I want to be the brightest star in your sky, if you'll let me. 10. I love the sweet caress of your lips, the emotional exchange. My heart will forever answer yours. 11. My heart has called out to yours from the first moment we met. Please don't ignore it, feel it, for I'm all yours." Some of my tears left wet spots on the pages as I wrote those words. I really hope he would like this gift. I gathered all the roses and the journal and headed back into the house and up to my bedroom. The rain had subsided yet there was still a heaviness in the air. As the hours dwindled away, my heart became more and more desperate to stay with his. But how? My life back home wouldn't allow me to stay yet my heart wanted nothing more than to be here with the man who was showing me that it was alright to love again.
I got dressed in my usual casual dress, jeans and a t-shirt. I'm glad Johnny didn't judge me on my style. He was the stylish one! I'd screw up wearing a potato sack! My hair was not bad today, considering the rain. It was soft and wavy, free flowing down my shoulders. As I looked at myself in the mirror, I saw a woman trying to hide her pain with a smile. I wasn't doing a good job and I knew Johnny would notice. He's like my own personal emotional barometer, he always knows how I'm feeling when I'm feeling it. There was no hiding anything from that man. I didn't mind though as it brought me a sense of comfort too. I took a deep breath as I headed downstairs and out the front door. Johnny was waiting for me, cigarette in hand, smiling, holding an empty vase. What?! I laughed as I made my way over to him, pointing at the vase. "What's with the vase?" I said laughing. It wasn't everyday you saw a man present you with an empty vase, after all. "Oh, this? I thought you would need a vase to put all the roses in. I kind of went overboard with them." Johnny said as he smiled and kissed me on the head. "No, I absolutely loved each one of them, Johnny. The messages were beautiful, just like the heart they came from." I reached up and kissed him gently on the lips as I brushed pieces of his hair away from his face. Johnny flicked his cigarette and embraced me in a tight hug. "You never cease to amaze me. But I'm not done yet." I looked up at him inquisitively. Johnny let out a sly boyish grin and gave me a wink. I shook my head as I chuckled. This man and his surprises but I loved every one of them. He opened the car door. "Ladies first." As he motioned for me to sit in the car. Before I did, I grabbed him by the shirt and gave him a deep, passionate kiss. I wanted him to know my heart was his and no matter what happens tomorrow, it always would be. Johnny was trying to hold back tears as I caressed the side of his face. "Don't be afraid to let your heart go, let it feel, let it say what it needs to." Johnny leaned over me and kissed me again; with the same intensity as I had just done with him. He looked deep into my eyes. "I plan to." Well, that sent tears flowing from my eyes. "Let's not do this now. I want to enjoy this night together, with you, alone." Johnny said as he wiped the tears from my eyes and smiled. "Me too." It was all I could say back as I returned his smile. We both knew what was coming but neither one of us wanted to face it. We couldn't face it, not now, not ever....
We spent the drive holding hands in silence. Both of us were trying to avoid the inevitable, as neither one of us wanted to face it. Johnny pulled up to the venue we were at last night and turned down a side street along the backside of the building. "What are we doing here? One night wasn't enough?" I said smiling and lightly chuckling. Johnny smiled back as he caressed the side of my face, there was hurt in his eyes, and it killed my heart. I turned away so he would not see the tears that were forming in my eyes towards the faint music that was coming from the building. As I turned back to Johnny, he had another rose in his hand. Smiling, he handed it to me. It had another notecard attached to it. "Dance with me. The best feeling is when you're in my arms." I looked up at him as he got out of the car and went to my side to open the door. I took his hand he had held out for me, and we went in front of the car. "What are you..." "Shh, listen..." He wrapped his arms around my waist as a song echoed from the building. It was Kiss from a Rose. I wondered if it was a coincidence but didn't ask as I just wanted to enjoy this moment with him. We started slow dancing in front of the car, alone, no eyes on us. Perfect. We were both trying to hold back tears. I looked up at Johnny as he sang a few lines to me as the song played. "There is so much a man can tell you, so much he can say. You remain my power, my pleasure, my pain." Ugh! This man and his words and the way he sings them always hit me in the heart. I looked up at him, cupping the side of his face. Tears were welling up in my eyes and before they could fall, Johnny kissed me in such a loving way, so sweet and lovely. My heart was broken in two, I didn't know what to do. I couldn't say anything but instead laid my head on his chest as we continued to slow dance to the song. The feeling of his arm around my waist and his hand holding my head close to his chest, close to his heart, made me feel protected, comforted, and loved. This is where I wanted to be.
After our dance, we made our way down the coast. Wait... I knew where we were going. Back to the beach where we shared our first date with Stephen and Grace. We pulled up to the same restaurant on stilts. I looked up at Johnny. "I told you I wasn't done yet." He said with a wink. I smiled, this man and his surprises. I loved it. We ended up sitting out on the balcony that overlooked the ocean. Soft light from inside the restaurant flowed out to our table. We were the only ones out here. "Did you arrange for us to sit out here alone?" "Yes, I didn't want anyone to interrupt us. Call me selfish, but I want you all to myself tonight." "You could never be selfish, you're the kindest man I know." Johnny leaned over and kissed me softly on the lips. "You haven't eaten much, are you okay?" Truth was, I didn't feel like eating. I was to upset. I didn't want this night to end, and I didn't want to leave tomorrow. I didn't want to leave Johnny. "Yeah, just not much of an appetite tonight.... for food." "Oh really?" Johnny smiled with a mischievous grin on his face. I shook my head and we both laughed. After eating the little amount of food that we did, we headed back down to the beach. "Do you remember what happened in this moment at this spot?" "Of course, I do. I could never forget." Johnny gave me another rose that he had hidden behind him. Where is he hiding these roses?! "I knew at this moment I would never let you go. I knew at this moment; it would be the start of something precious." I looked up at him, tears in my eyes, and kissed him, passionately, intensely, just as we did in this moment, in this spot, only a few days ago.
We walked along the shoreline, under the moon and stars. There was only one place left to go, the beach cove, and that's exactly where we were walking towards. I stopped Johnny before we entered the cove. Away from his property, this was my favorite place to be with him. He looked at me with concern but said nothing. He wrapped me in his arms, tightly, lovingly. I let out a big sigh. "You're shaking Julie, talk to me." Johnny held my face in his hands as my tears flowed. I couldn't hold back anymore. "I don't want to leave you. I don't. But I don't know what to do. I can't leave my kids behind; they need me too. What do I do Johnny? Please tell me because I don't know." I'm sure I was an emotional mess or seemed like it anyways, but Johnny never judged. He grabbed me and held me tightly in his arms. I could feel tears dropping on the top of my head. He was crying too. My heart couldn't break more than it already had. "Come with me." Johnny said as he took my hand and led me inside the beach cove. The cove was as beautiful as I remembered the memories it held inside. I walked over to the shoreline, the water surrounding my feet as I looked out into the distance. I had so much to say but couldn't say it. He needed to know but I also needed to know how he felt, although a part of me already knew.
I felt Johnny's arms wrap around my waist from behind, his chin laying atop my head. "I don't want to let you go. I'm afraid if you leave, I will never see you again. I don't think I could handle that." Johnny walked around me and held my hands. He looked down at the anchor pendant he had given me and smiled. "You're still wearing it." "I hardly take it off. It's a part of you that will always be with me." Johnny kissed me with tears flowing down his eyes. It was becoming too much for both of us. "I've never been this emotional over someone before. Not like this." I held him close to my chest. "The sound of your heart brings comfort to me. Please don't go." Johnny had me in a grip so tight, I thought I couldn't breathe for a moment. I didn't want to be another person who would just walk out of his life. I couldn't be that person, but I couldn't walk out of my kids lives either. I hated this tug of war within myself! I pushed Johnny away far enough to look into his eyes. His eyes were so sad, full of emotion. I brought his lips to mine and kissed them with every emotion I had as he returned the kiss with the same intensity. It was soul stirring and passionate! Johnny looked down at me as he brushed my hair away from my face. "I have something else to give you." "Johnny, you've given me plenty!" Too late. I should know better, there's no stopping him from doing what he wants. This was different. Johnny presented me with a long black box with a silver bow on top. "What's this?" "Open it." He said smiling the sweetest smile I had ever seen from him.
I opened the box to find a beautiful platinum bracelet inside filled with charms. I looked up at Johnny. "It's beautiful! But you didn't have to get me this." I was overcome with emotion. I never receive gifts like this! "Stop, I wanted to, and you deserve the best." I really didn't. "Let me help put it on you." Johnny took the bracelet out of the box and clasped it onto my wrist. It really was stunning! I twisted my wrist around to look at all the different charms. Like the places the roses were left, the charms looked familiar. I gasped and looked up at Johnny. "Are these...." "Yes." Johnny smiled as he moved each charm around my wrist. A rose, a gazebo, moon and stars, an art easel, a chair, a rose, a wave, an anchor, a guitar, a piano, a rose, a heart, a slice of pizza, an art palette, a dancer, a rose. It told our story! It told the story of our week together. I was amazed and overwhelmed with emotion. "Our story will forever be with you." I kissed him hard; I kissed him with every emotion I had. Tears flowed down my cheeks, but I never let him go. "Julie, one more thing." I looked up as Johnny gave me another rose. Seriously, where was he hiding these?! I read the note attached to the rose, which was the fullest one of the day. "This is the final rose for today but certainly not the last. I know it will be hard, but I want to take a chance. I want you in my life, please say yes. Please say you'll continue our sweet dance." I looked up at him with shock. "Is this asking me what I think it's asking me?" Johnny smiled as he pulled me into a hug. "Yes, I want you to be with me. I want you to be mine. I know it will be hard and there will be things to work out, but I need you in my life. I never expected to fall so deep for you, but I have. Didn't you tell me to let my feelings flow? I'm letting them flow and I want them to flow with you."
Speechless. Completely speechless. Yet, I felt the same. Well, no sense in stepping on my own words. "So, you're asking me to be your girl?" Johnny laughed and shook his head. "Of course, I am, what else would it mean?" He kissed me on the forehead, looking into my eyes, waiting for an answer. Shock. More shock. Why would he ever want someone like me? I wasn't Hollywood, far from it. "Julie? What are you thinking?" Dammit! He always knew. I let out a deep sigh and looked into his eyes, cupping the side of his face. "I want nothing more than to share my heart with yours. But why? How? There are so many unanswered questions." Johnny had tears forming in his eyes. I don't think he was expecting that answer. Johnny stepped back and took a deep breath as he paced back and forth in front of me. "Because you have a beautiful heart and soul. You stir something deep within me that I thought was lost forever that I can no longer ignore. I don't care that you're not Hollywood, I never have. You're beautiful just the way you are. That's the "why". Love will find a way to make it work but I need you on the same page with me. I know there will be distance and other things that may get in the way, but my heart is set on yours. I do not want anyone else. That's the "how". As for all the other unanswered questions, we can deal with that as they come." Johnny was still pacing, avoiding looking over at me. Did he say love? I went over to him and put his hands into mine. "Did you say love?" Johnny looked at me with such passion, such love. I already knew the answer. "I did. I did say I was falling deep into you." I smiled as I put my hand on his chest. "Your heart is the only thing I would ever want from you, this you know." Johnny embraced me tightly, brushing the hair off my face, he kissed me with such love, such passion. I was truly lost in the moment. I never wanted to find my way back.
*** Johnny pushed me down onto the sand never breaking our kiss. Waves were crashing around us, but we didn't care. He held my hands above my head as his kisses trailed from my lips onto my neck. "My heart is yours fully, like the full bloom of the rose." He continued his kisses down my neck as his hand made its way up the inside of my shirt. I sat up as he threw my shirt off to the side. "My heart was yours from the first day we met." I said as I held his face in my hands. Another intense kiss would erupt my insides. I needed him and I needed him now. Johnny held me in his arms as he unclasped my bra, dropping it to the ground. His hand roamed and grazed over my breasts while kissing my neck. I threw my head back. Ugh! This man! My hand made its way over to his jeans and I started rubbing his shaft from the outside. "Julie..." Johnny rolled me back over onto the sand and pressed against me, hard. I took his shirt off and pulled him down to me. God, he smelled amazing! The musk and tobacco I have come to love so much, pulling at my heart. I kissed him on his neck as he closed his eyes in the moment. My hand once again finding its way to his jeans. Johnny gasped. In a flash, he seemed to have taken my jeans and his off at the same time. He pressed into me as he kissed my breasts, taking my nipples into his mouth. "Mmm....so beautiful." I pulled him up to me and kissed him heavily, with more desire than I ever had before. Before I knew it, I was seeing stars as he entered me, thrusting with everything he had. "Don't stop, please never stop." I said as I gripped his arms. Johnny once again pushed my arms above my head. God, this was ecstasy! With each thrust, waves would crash around us. I felt myself losing the battle. "Johnny, I can't...." He pulled me up and sat me upon him as we both released our orgasms together with the beautiful sea and moonlit sky surrounding us. "We are so wet Johnny." I said laughing. "In more ways than one dear." Shit. I buried myself in his chest as he laughed while holding me. ***
Johnny had gotten up to retrieve a bag that was hidden behind the rocks. "Towels? And when did you do this?" Handing me a towel, he winked at me. Was he planning this all along? He was something else and the one I was falling in love with. Although he couldn't tell me those words exactly, he did in his own way. He came over to me and rubbed my arms as the towel was wrapped around me. "I had hoped I could show you how I felt here and I'm glad I did. You are beautiful." "I look like a drowned rat!" We both laughed. "But still beautiful." This man! He kissed me with such tenderness, such love. I looked up at him. "Can we stay here tonight? I want to spend every moment left with you." Upon realizing what I had said, "left", I saw hurt in Johnny's eyes, but he said nothing. He wrapped me in his arms. "I would want nothing more." We both laid on the sand once again, this time with towels, and held each other looking out to the sea. "So, does this mean you will be my girl?" After a couple minutes I looked up at him and looked into his eyes, deeply. "I know it will be hard work but I'm willing to try. So, yes, I can try to be your girl." I said smiling with tears in my eyes. Johnny kissed my tears as they flowed down my cheek and held me tight. I let out a sigh. What have I gotten myself into? Could I do this? The last thing I want to do is break his heart. I would rather have mine break in a million pieces than have his break once. Yet, tomorrow was closing in fast, and I had a choice to make, my life back home or my heart here with Johnny....