New York City.
It was funny how I always found myself back at this place no matter what. The good thing was, this time it wasn't so scary. Knowing that Randy had been out away made me feel at ease.
My taxi dropped me off at Ms Jones' house and I wheeled my suitcase to the door where I knocked. I knew she was at work but I'd only hoped to find her here.
I got her key out from beneath the flowerpot on the left-hand side of her door and I let myself in.
I hadn't been here in ages. Ms Jones was fond of her antiques-- most of them from England-- and her old decor. She had this peach glow in the living room from the sun shining through her peach coloured curtains. Her white floral printed couch had a red throw folded nearly over an arm rest, her old wooden trunk-turned-coffee-table had some old magazines on it, and an empty tea cup, and the big old clock standing near the tv stand tick-tocked loud enough to keep me from overthinking anything until Ms Jones returned.
I wheeled my suitcase down to the guest bedroom which Ms Jones had told me she'd set up for me, and I left it near the nearly made bed. The room was small and the bed looked old but that didn't matter. All I came for was some peace of mind and I trusted I'd get that here.
Sitting on the bed, I sent Justin a text to let him know I'm arrived safely. That was the least I could do, especially since he'd been so upset about my departure.
Was I crazy to leave him again? I didn't think so. It hurt being around him, knowing he hated me, and it confused me why he refused to let me go. Did he want me suffering for what happened? Because I felt I was suffering-- being punished by him-- in his house.
I decided on a nap before cleaning up a little to pass the time. Maybe I'd make dinner too, if I found the strength.
Ms Jones returned as I was doing the dishes. She was happy to see me, as I was to see her, but I hadn't expected to cry at the sight of her.
"Oh, dear," she hugged me tight and pecked my cheek, staining it with her lipstick, no doubt.
"I missed you so much, Ms Jones," I cried into her shoulder.
"It's alright, dear. I'm right here," she said to me.
I took a step back upon pulling away from the hug and I dried my tears.
"Aw, look at you," Ms Jones frowned. "Dileah, what happened?"
I took a deep breath and fiddled with the sleeves of my sweater, too embarrassed to even look Ms Jones in the face.
"Dileah, dear?" Her hand rested on my arm.
"He hates me," I choked on my emotions and took a shaky breath.
"Who? Justin?"
I nodded my head and dried my tears again.
"Okay, come sit down. Let me make you some tea, alright?" Ms Jones took my hand and led me to get living room.
When I sat down, she turned on her heating system then went back to the kitchen to make us both some tea.
"Okay," she soon say beside me and handed me my cup of tea on a saucer, "start at the beginning, dear. Tell me what's got you so upset."
I told Ms Jones about Justin agreeing to try and me agreeing to be patient with him while he found himself in our relationship. Then I told her about our date on the boat and the prawns and about the following day at the home-- the cramps, the trip to the hospital, and finally...
"The doctor said I had a miscarriage," I whispered and looked sadly at Ms Jones.
"Oh my," she frowned deeply. "Dileah, I am so sorry to hear that."
I tried to smile through the pain but it hurt too much.
"Did the doctor explain how that happened? I mean, you've been quite happy lately. Surely I can't be stress," Ms Jones set her cup and saucer on her coffee table.
"Randy," I caught a falling tear, "the doctor said my uterus is a mess becase I endured abuse for so long and, no functioning uterus means no baby. Ever."
"Jesus," Ms Jones whispered.
She looks just about ready to cry too and I didn't blame her. I had to count my breaths so not to cry again but I couldn't help it.
"Justin hates me for it," I whimpered.
"Did he tell you that?"
I shook my head, "it's obvious. He won't talk to me or touch me. He won't look at me-- he's always in his study or at work and he won't even eat with me. He's not there with me, Ms Jones. And he knows I need him. He knows!"
"Oh, Dileah, people deal with pain I different ways. This might be totally new to Justin."
"It's new to me too!"
"Yes, dear, but... he's never actually been serious with someone, has he? He's never loved the way he loves you. He doesn't know how to react."
"He hates me," I said again. "And I should be the upset one because he said he didn't see himself having kids. Maybe--"
"This was out of anybody's hands, Dileah. There's no use pointing fingers."
"He got what he wanted," I frowned.
"You don't really believe that, Dileah. It's the pain talking."
"I'm starting to believe it."
"Dileah, if Justin was really happy about this misfortune, do you really think he'd be pushing you away? Spending time away for you, keeping preoccupied with work... that doesn't sound like the actions of a happy man to me."
I couldn't believe I even thought that of Justin.
"Have you tried talking to him about how you feel? Maybe he doesn't know how to react out. He's never know pain like you have; he doesn't know how to react."
I shook my head. Justin knew that making the first move was never my thing.
"Dileah, you can't go around making assumptions, especially in a relationship. That's poisonous," Ms Jones frowned. "You're able to express yourself and your emotions but that's not to say that Justin is the same. He may be pushing you away but he's crying out for you, just as you are for him."
"You really think so?" I looked at Ms Jones.
She nodded, "under other circumstances, I'd probably think otherwise but, this is a pain that to two need to share and talk about. Running away is of no use. He needs you, Dileah-- you need each other."
"So..." I frowned, "do you want me to go back?"
"Of course not," Ms Jones smiled small and stroked my cheek, "not unless you're ready to."
I put my cup of tea down and gave her a hug.
"Thank you, Ms Jones."
"Alright, dear," she giggled lightly and rubbed my back. "I have dinner to make and then I have to get ready for bed."
"I miss the hotel," I smiled small and pulled away from the hug.
"If I were living large in Miami, the hotel would be the last thing I'd miss."
"Well, I missed you."
"That's more honest," Ms Jones smiled, "I can believe that."
I managed a smile too.
"How have you been, otherwise?" She checked on me.
"Good," I answered honestly, "before this, everything was wonderful, Ms Jones. He treats me like a princess."
"Then you should never let a dark moment in your relationship overcloud the rest of the beauty of the love you share, Dileah. I know you can't help it. You're always ready to run or fight and I know it frightens you that this man wants nothing but the best for you. You always expect the worst."
"Because I'm not used to anything else," I frowned.
"I understand that but, Dileah... not everyone is out to get you," Ms Jones cupped my face with her hands. "Someone loves you! Why does that scare you? Why are you trying to find the worst in him?"
I couldn't answer.
"Moments like these will only make your relationship stronger, you hear?"
I nodded.
"Have a little faith in yourself, dear. You're worth spoiling and loving. Justin is not Randy."
I let that sink in and, while I did, Ms Jones left me alone with my thoughts to make dinner.
Justin is not a monster; he is not Randy.