Love Without Uncertainty | JB | a.u | BWWM

Thirty.

I was up before Justin and was having breakfast alone and quietly in the kitchen while Catherine worked around the house.

I hadn't necessarily slept well because of Justin's tossing and turning but I felt I had enough energy to get me through the day.

My cereal tasted like cardboard and I blamed it on my mental absence from the room. My mind was in another place. That bright idea I had at night to not think about babies had failed and I figured that it was only because of the concern I had for the wellbeing of the baby Justin and I found.

I was also angry at Randy for doing this to me. I hoped he was suffering in jail because he deserved it. I hated him for ruining my life and taking away the one thing that really made me a woman. He and my step dad were now on the same list on my mental 'I hate you' page. I knew my mom was probably frowning at me because she taught me to never hate but I'd work on forgiving those two animals another day. I had to focus on being strong.

I was no longer mad at that baby's mother, and I wondered how she was doing. Was it okay for me to think of that child at a time like this or was my mind getting the best of me by making me have these feelings that I shouldn't have?

A gentle kiss on my cheek got me back to reality. I looked up and found Justin smiling at me.

"Good morning." He said.

"Morning." I gave him a rather broken smile.

I didn't understand how I felt so peaceful last night before I slept but woke up feeling so low and confused.

"You okay?" Justin went to turn on the coffee machine and pour himself some cereal.

"Yes, I think. Just thinking." I said.

"About what?"

I didn't know if telling him was a good idea but I could never keep secrets from him.

"That baby." I said.

He turned to look at me.

"I don't know if I'm allowed to be thinking about it. I don't know if I'm genuinely concerned or if I just have this longing to nurture someone." I looked down at my fingers.

"Of course you're allowed to think about it. It's a life that we found in the cold. I'd be worried if you weren't concerned at all."

"I just feel like my emotions are getting the best of me. I don't think I was granted enough time in between losing ours and discovering that baby. It's overwhelming. It's almost like... like we were meant to find it."

"We were meant to find it. That's why it was at the door." Justin made his coffee.

He didn't understand.

"No, Justin. Like a coincidence."

"A coincidence? That we lost ours and found another?"

"Yes."

"You're considering adoption now?" He looked at me.

"I... I don't know what I'm considering, Justin. I just feel it's too much of a coincidence. And... the doctor did say there were other ways--"

"Dileah, you're moving too fast, sweetheart. I know you want to save a life and everything but you need to give yourself time to heal so you can make a clear decision. Right now you're thinking with your heart and you need your head for a choice like this." He sipped his coffee.

He was right.

"But... would you?" I asked him.

"Would I what?"