Desire
Today was the day of our first therapy session and I was nervous, scared and anxious. I didn't know what to expect or what was going to be revealed. I had gotten the kids ready so that Kylie could watch them. She always tries to help out and she feels she owes us for all that we have done for her, but she doesn't owe us anything.
As soon as I dropped the kids off I was headed over to meet August at the therapist office. I was dressed and Day burst into my room grinning from ear to ear. He was always so happy.
"You ready baby?"
"Yes." He nodded his head and he pulled me into the nursery to get his sister.
She was laying looking up at the ceiling and when she saw us she giggled causing spit bubbles to form. She was so precious. I picked her up and got her situated in her car seat. Day tried getting her bag, but it was too big for him to carry. I grabbed it and we head downstairs, out the door.
We had finally gotten on the road and Day was watching his sister like a hawk. He was messing with her and she giggled as he played with her. I made a turn leading to the road where Kylie's apartment was. Seconds later I pulled up and got out. I got them out and walked up to her door.
"Day press that button."
He looked at me and pressed the button for the doorbell. I waited as Ky came and opened the door with a bright smile. Day looked up and smiled from ear to ear. This lil boy was just too much for me.
"Hey handsome." Ky kneeled down and pinched his cheek.
Of course he blushed and she stepped aside and let us in. I was pushed for time so I gave her instructions. I kissed Day's cheek and baby girl's. I told them that I loved them and gave Ky a hug. I left out taking a deep breath.
August
I sat in the chair staring at Dr. De'Lana Harris. I could tell that she was serious about her work and she dug deep if necessary. I was nervous as hell, but I knew that this is what we needed. I looked down at my Rolex and Desire should be here shortly.
"I noticed that you keep looking at your watch. Are you afraid that your wife won't show up?"
"Honestly I am because she wasn't on board with coming here with me, but if she didn't I don't know how I would feel."
"You would feel rejected August. You feel like she didn't care or that you are this marriage didn't mean anything to her." Dr. Harris stated as she rested her hands on her desk.
"I guess you right."
The office door opened and the same lady that showed me back, ushered Desire in. She looked around and looked at me, then Dr. Harris.
"Hello." Desire said as she took a seat in the chair beside me.
"Hello Desire. Do you mind me calling you by your fist name?"
"No that's fine."
"Good. Now I want to get right down to the issue at hand. It appears that a lot has transpired in throughout your whole relationship. What I want to do right now is take a moment to find out how you are feeling Desire."
Desire looked at me and then back to Dr. Harris. I knew that she had a lot on her chest and she was still hurting, but even through the hurt she was still here with a nigga.
"Dr. Harris, I honestly feel lost and I feel left out this marriage, if that makes sense." She looked over at me.
"When you say lost and left out, what do you mean?" Dr. Harris asked.
"Basically I don't know what the hell happened or what the hell is going on. What I mean by feeling left out this marriage is that, he doesn't open up to me when I ask what the problem is. All he says is that he messed up mentally emotionally."
She looked at Desire and then over to me.
"August what do you have to add? I want you to look in your wife's eyes and tell her why don't come to her and talk to her."
I turned towards her and she stared at me intently. "Desire I know that you did ask me repeatedly what was going on with me and I was short in my ansa's, but I was afraid to tell you only because I know how you can blow up on me. You wouldn't have tried to understand, you would have went off and left it at that."
Dr. Harris took notes and looked at both me and Desire for a long moment.
"What I want you guys to do is go back and forth, but not by screaming at another and lay it out on the table, this way we can get to the real root of the problem." Dr. Harris stated.
"August I admit that I do come off like that at times, but I do so with reason. It's not like you haven't given me enough reasons to blow up. The thing now is why? Why you felt the need to leave? Why you gave me a bullshit reason why? All I want is answers August. You can't sit here and tell me if it were the other way around you wouldn't feel the same way and even act the same way. Hell I wouldn't be forgiven for anything and you know it."
I clenched and unclenched my jaw only because she was telling the truth. I guess I better tell her what the real root of the problem is. I know when I do, its gon' make shit worse.
"August what do you have to say about what Desire just stated."
I moved closer to her and grabbed her hands in mine. I knew what I was about to tell her was gon' hurt, but it was the truth and I should have told her all this before we even said I do. "Desire the way that I have been treating you is the only way I know how to treat you."
"August what the hell are you talking about?"
"See growing up I never saw the kind of love that you give me. That shit I saw wasn't love, but I saw my mom take a lot of shit off her husband. She would take him back no matter what he did and I thought that was the right way. Not only that when my ex cheated on me that taught me never to fall victim to being cheated on again by nobody."
"When you told me that your ex was back I was just trying to hurt you before you hurt me, because I felt like after all the shit I had put you through that you were gon' run in the arms of him. I took you for granted until you hit me with them damn divorce papers. I honestly thought that I could do whatever and you would stay because in the back of my mind that's how it should be because my momma took it, I felt that any woman would including you, but Desire believe me when I say I'm truly sorry and God knows I love you."
Desire
I pulled my hands from his as tears streamed down my face. I couldn't believe what the hell I was hearing. I stood shaking my head as tears streamed down my face. I'm trying to understand. I want to understand, but I don't want to be a fool either.
"Why August? Why didn't you tell me long before now. So is this a game to you? Is my feelings a game to you? August I love you like no other and God knows I want us to work, but how can we if you feel like the way that you do me, do us is how you love me."
"Dr. Harris I can't do this right now." I dashed out of the room with August calling after me.
This was just too much and even thought I'm hurting, sadly I hurt for him more. I got to my car and sat there staring straight out the windshield. Tears freely fell as I looked at nothing in particular. In that moment I needed to pray for guidance.
"God I need you to show me the way. Guide me heart, mind and spirit because I'm broken, we are broken. God I ask that you bless August and touch his heart as well as he battered spirit. "Bless our marriage God. Help me to help him. I can't do this without you. In Jesus name I pray."
I sat there a few more minutes and I got back out the car. August needed me because he was lost and even through the midst of my pain I need to make sure he is alright.
Lord just be my guide.........
Hey y'all I have been away for a couple day, but I had to drop an update. This is only going to get deeper only because through all the hurt and pain they love each other dearly.
Excuse Mistakes!