And when we get home, I realize I should really be scared, because Natasha takes me straight to the back garden where I see the most bizarre scene I've ever seen in my life.
There's a bunch of middle-aged women dressed up as hippies or something like that, all chanting mantras, or satanic invocation songs, I don't know, while twirling around and drumming or throwing some weird dust in the air. glitter? Cocaine? I don't know. All I know is that I'm really, really scared of what the hell this is.
"What the fuck is this psychedelic?"
"I was forced to call in backup!" Natasha says next to me.
— Reinforcements? Crazy in the asylum? Some satanic sect?
“Crazy they do seem, and yes, it could be a cult too, but it's more witchcraft than satanism.
“Natasha, dear. — One of the crazy witches comes towards us smiling.
- Mommy.
- This is your mother?
"I'm here to help you, my angel!" — The woman blows the weird powder on me. “And you, Steve, what happened to your mind, my dear? She grabs my head and starts spinning it from side to side. "But the goddess will show us what she has there, where her memories are...
The woman finally lets go of me. And I stare at Natasha, startled.
- What is it?
— My mother is a witch, or she thinks she is, I never really believed that, but I think I'm appealing to anything!
Before I can run and run, Natasha's mom is grabbing my hand and pulling me into the midst of the hippie witches.
“Sisters, we are here to help our dear Steve.
The women nod, muttering things I don't understand. Until I see that there is a pool in the middle of the garden, one of those plastic children's pools.
- What?...
Suddenly I feel a hand on my shoulder and I turn around and none other than my secretary Wanda is there, dressed like one of the crazy witches.
“Steve, open up to us, don't be afraid.
"Wanda, what are you doing here?"
She smile.
“Let's get him undressed so we can free him.
And then she reaches for my shirt and I take a startled step back.
"Wanda, are you crazy?"
"Steve, stop it, don't resist!" “Natasha is beside me. “Let them do what they have to do.
“Wanda is my secretary, this is very inappropriate.
“If you must know, Wanda has slapped you at a BDSM club, so relax!
I widen my eyes in shock.
What?
Before I can recover, other hands are on my clothes, voices chanting mantras rising as I begin to get undressed by the perverted witches, or whatever, until I'm in my underwear and being tucked into the kiddie pool.
My God, let this be a dream. I can't be in the backyard of a house they say is mine, kneeling naked in a kiddie pool while a bunch of unkempt middle-aged women smoke… pot? Did I smell weed? (Some are laughing and I'm sure there must be at least some hallucinogen going on there! Help!)
“Natasha…” I find Natasha among the crazies and she's idly looking at the whole scene with a serious look.
“It's good to work, Mom!
Now Natasha's mom is hitting me with a twig of some weird leaf.
"I told you it would be better if it was at night, in the forest... And we should be naked and praising the moon, the goddess would be much more pleased and..."
- We do not have time! Make him remember!
— Come on sisters, let's get to work! Natasha's mom screams and someone necklaces me with a rock.
A little lady, who must be a hundred years old, holds my head, while another pours a green liquid down my throat.
I cough, choking, but they don't seem to have mercy. Some throw weeds at me, or herbs, I'm not sure, but I suddenly start hoping they're going to cook me with potatoes or something.
“Oh goddess, listen to us! Free our sister Natasha's man!” someone yells.
'Free your mind!'
“Free yourself, Steve! - Wanda screams dancing around me and other women sing a chorus of "Free yourself Steve!".
Followed by things like “Let the goddess possess you”, “let your thoughts guide you to Natasha”, and I think I even heard a “come to the light Steve”. And as if it couldn't get any worse, I see there's a man photographing everything with a satisfied smile?
“Hey Steve, I hear he's got amnesia. The man laughs, waving. "But at least I got to see that little body again!" — And keep shooting. "Very well, great. Yes, will you turn this way a little bit, so I can take a picture of his torso?" What if you took off your underwear?
“Dad, stop it! - Natasha screams.
Dad?
The photographer who wanted to see me naked is Natasha's father?
What family is that?
"Your father's right, maybe the goddess appreciates Steve's total nudity as an offering, that!" - Natasha's mother says and the women around her applaud excitedly.
— Papa! I turn to see Penelope running across the garden while Irina runs behind with a worried look.
"Penelope, come back here!"
but the girllaughs and enters the pool which must obviously be hers.
- Water! - Laughed splashing water on me.
“Penelope, get out of there,” Natasha yells.
Okay, enough.
I stand up, ignoring the little gray-haired lady who is now rubbing some ointment or salve for the sore muscles on my shoulders and shaking off all the undergrowth they've thrown at me, I step out of the pool.
“Steve, what are you doing? - Natasha asks as she tries to get Penelope out of the water, but the girl looks resolute.
"I'm getting out!" — I walk through the garden with the sole intention of escaping that general madness.
"You can't, you have to go back, you haven't even remembered anything yet!" “Natasha comes after me after she passes Penelope kicking at the babysitter.
— Remember what? That your family is crazy?
"Now it's your family too!"
Yes, she's right and that's even scarier.
Was that it?
Did Natasha's witch mother do some voodoo on me and I had fallen in love with her daughter?
I enter the house with Natasha following me and Penelope crying.
“Steve, stop being absurd.
I turn furious.
– Am I absurd? And that whole scene straight out of a bad horror movie out there?
— It was to help you!
- Look at me! I point to myself, almost naked, still full of grass all over my body and smeared with things I don't even want to know what they are. 'Do you think that helped at all?' Being groped by crazy old women dressed as crazy witches and even my secretary?
"It wasn't that bad...
I let out a humorless laugh.
"And your father was taking a picture of my penis!" I scream in horror. - From my penis!
"He didn't go, he didn't even take off his underwear...
- Enough for me! I'm going to take a shower and try to find my dignity that I fear is lost forever!
I walk away up the stairs and ignoring Natasha.
I can still hear the voice of your father who has just entered the room.
"Would Steve let me do a rehearsal of him taking a shower?"