I shoot up in bed as a thin layer of cold sweat covered my body, soaking through my shirt.
The wind was blowing and the lights flickered. I pulled the blanket up over my head as a mental pain shot through my body, causing me to flinch.
It wasn't real. It's all mental. An illusion. But why did it feel so real? I took deep breaths as tears crossed over the bridge of my nose and slipped down towards my ear before dropping onto the sheets.
I curled up even tighter and willed myself to sleep once more. I didn't want to remember anything. I didn't want to think about the past. I didn't want to worry about the future. I just wanted to forget and feel something other than pain, anxiety, paranoia, and fear.
I felt myself begin to drift off again. As the darkness filled my consciousness, my breathing steadied and tears slowed.
_______________
I woke to a knocking and the gentle voice of a woman. "-can't leave him alone all the time. Besides, you don't have to go to work until 6 anyway."
Just how thin are these walls?
"I know sis, but we can't keep visiting him like we've known him for years." A male replies.
"But we can offer him as much comfort as possible for now. Either way, I know you were just as worried about him as I was when you watched him get driven to the hospital." She says before they knock again.
I get up and slowly unlock the door. I am greeted with the smiling face of Gin and upturned lips of Ryunosuke.
"H-hi." I stutter as the door opens even more.
"Good morning Atsushi!" She exclaims with controlled excitement. "How did you sleep?"
"Okay?" I reply more questioning than stating.
"Oh." Her smile falters a bit before she continues. "So, we brought you some breakfast. Do you like doughnuts?"
I nod slowly before allowing them to enter the small room.
They take a seat on the couch as I position myself on the bed with my hands in my lap. I begin to relax again but flinch and close my legs as the pulling of stitches and skin shoot a brief pain through my lower regions.
A concerned look flashed through their eyes before it disappeared. I felt awkward. Their pity filled looks were uncomfortable and I hated it. I didn't want to get pitied. It made me feel worse than I already felt.
"U-um, excuse me for a moment." I bow my head slightly before making my way to the bathroom.
Once inside, I lock the door and lean uo against it. I take a deep breath and release it slowly, my hands shaking a little as I ran them through my hair.
I could hear their murmuring through the door although I couldn't make out any words.
A door closed and silence followed. Moving to the sink, I turned on the faucet and splashed some water on my face.
As droplets dropped from my chin, I looked into the mirror, the sight bringing tears to my eyes.
My eyes are bloodshot and blotchy from last night, and my hair is disheveled. My skin practically clung to my bones because of malnutrition and took on a pale, almost grey color. My once brilliantly colored eyes are now dull and dark. I look away as a tear joins the water on my face.
I turn off the tap and turn around, resulting in a flinch and cry in pain. I kneel down to the ground, settling on my knees as my hands cupped around nothing.
It hurt. Why did he have to take everything? I no longer have any part of myself. I don't have freedom even if I am saved from him. He tortures me mentally without being present, his words of degradation and hate, no longer filled with the love I had grown used to.
Out of nowhere, a sob escaped my lips closely followed by a light knock on the door. I covered my mouth with my hand, turning to the door in fear.
"Atsushi, it's me Ryunosuke, are you alright?" He asks through the door.
"Y-y-yeah." I stutter, fighting back another cry if pain when I accidentally slipped and grazed my heel.
"Alright, I'll be here if you need anything."
I hear his footsteps go away as I tried standing. Apparently, I had been on the floor longer than I thought and my foot fell asleep. I lost my balance and stumbled, bumping into the toilet and falling over the side of the tub.
This time I couldn't keep from crying out.
He knocks again, this time more urgently.
"Atsushi are you okay?" More tears stream down my face as he messes with the doorknob. I can't hold back the cries escaping my mouth, feeling more and more pathetic about the whole situation.
As he entered, somehow being able to unlock the door, two words swarmed around in my head.
Why me?
_____________________
Atsushi excused himself and went to the bathroom. I watched as he disappeared behind the door, the sound of the lock clicking into place the last thing I hear before it goes silent.
"I think I'm going to leave." Gin says softly.
"Alright, you okay?" I ask.
She nods softly. "I just don't think he's too comfortable with me here."
I sigh. "There's something else isn't there. I know you better than that."
It's her turn to sigh. "I just don't like seeing him hurting so bad. I know it's stupid of me to say that but I can't help it. He is so young and innocent and hurting. I've seen so much with what I do but he is so different."
"You just have a big heart. He's going to be alright." I reassure her.
She nods. "I'll see you later, kay?"
"Yeah."
When she leaves, I look around the room, spotting the bag we gave him at the foot of the bed.
While scanning the room, the bathroom sink turned on. I listened for a moment before, waiting for the water to turn off. When it did, he didn't exit. Furrowing my eyebrows, I approach the door slowly, leaving enough room between me and it just in case he comes out.
I listen closely for any sign of him opening the door but it never comes. Instead, I hear a muffled cry.
Concerned, I gently tap on the door.
"Atsushi, it's me, Ryunosuke. Are you alright?" I ask.
"Yeah." He replies, stuttering in the word a bit.
"Alright." I step back. "I'll be here if you need anything." I move back and sit on the couch once again, patiently waiting for him to leave the bathroom.
Then I hear him hit something closely followed by a scream of pain.
Jumping up from the couch, I knock on the door again, more urgently this time. "Atsushi are you okay?"
Instead of an actual answer, I'm met with cries. I curse under my breath before looking around the room for something I could pick the lock with. Groaning when I come up empty handed, I mess with the knob, hoping that the lock isn't as full proof as it should be.
Finally, after a few minutes, I am able to open the door. I step inside and find the boy Hal I the bathtub as tears stream down his face. He tries to move but flinches and a cry louder than the last fills the room.
I take half a step forward before freezing when he flonches back.
"Don't come any closer! Please." He says.
I nod. "Are you alright?"
He tries to nod and move again but begins crying even harder when it doesn't work.
"I can't do this." He cries.
I purse my lips, trying to think of a way to help him without sharing him even more. I settle on asking him a question.
"May I help you?"
He shakes when he tries pushing himself up, barely making it into a position where he was sitting on the side of the tub before his arm gave out and he fell back again.
I refrained from approaching him, not wanting to freak him out.
In the end, he gives up and situates himself into the tub, situating himself in a way that left a little room to curl in on himself even more if he wanted.
"I don't understand." He whispers, just barely loud enough for me to hear. "Why me?" He looks at me. "What did I do?" He looks away again. "I don't understand."
Carefully, I lower the toilet lid and sit on it.
"What did I do?" He whispers again.
He takes a deep breath, laying his cheek down on his arms that are now wrapped around his knees. He glances up at me for a second before closing those dual colored eyes.
"Is there anything I can do?" I ask.
He stays silent. Then he says, in a barely audible voice, "can you show me?"
Confused by his statement, I open my mouth to respond but he continues speaking.
"Can you show me what it's really like to be cared for? How to love right?" He takes a deep breath. "Can you show me how to find myself again?"
I stay silent, at a complete loss for words with his statement.
"Show me how to live." He whispers.