I almost lost count the times he was there trying to protect what remained of myself. He was there when I badly needed someone to comfort my lost soul. A child who does not know warmth but longs for it.
He was able to fill that void. He was able to make my heart jump from happiness. He was not afraid to love someone who do not own any riches but herself, like me. He treated me like a gem to treasure.
Sinabi ko sa sarili ko, "Ah, so this is how it feels to be loved and appreciated." The feelinb is fresh and new to me. Ang sarap lang sa pakiramdam.
The only thing that's keeping me from this love is the question, "Will it never fade? Will it never waver?"
Everyone leaves. That is how I perceive the world. Even I, for so many times, have thought of leaving this damned world. So why bother taste the love that fades eventually. Hindi ako bitter, I'm just being realistic. Lalo pa't ever changing naman talaga ang isip ng mga tao.
"I-I..."
I took off of his hands. Nakita ko kung paanong ngumunot ang kanyang noo. I can't stare at him. Nahihiya akong sabihing hindi ko pa kaya. Love is a big thing for me. And I don't want to give him false hopes.
"S-Sorry... Hanzo, I-I," I stuttered, trying to find the right words for me to say even if my mind's in a mess.
Nakita kong bumagsak ang kanyang balikat. I tried to reach for him but he took a step back and smiled at me with disappointment.
"I-I guess, I must've think ahead of what we have."
It feels like I just broke his heart. The atmosphere went silent as the wind was nowhere felt. As if the world went still for this moment.
I tried thinking of words that could compensate the damage I made, but all that came out of my mouth was air.
"I don't want you--"
Maling tumungo pa ako dahil ang tumambad sa akin ay ang mukha ni Hanzo na pilit kinukubli ang sakit sa likod ng kanyang ngiti.
"You don't have to worry about it, Ash."
His voice cracked as he spoke. I felt knives strucked my heart. And bigat sa oakiramdam na makitang nakakasakit ako ng taong tinuring akong parang pamilya.
I'm sorry Hanzo. Hindi ko sinsadya.
"Hanzooooo!!"
Naputol ang aming pag-uusap nang may tumawag sa pangalan ni Hanzo. I didn't turn aroundto see who it is, but I know it's a girl. She sounded delighted to see him na oara bang ilang taon ding hindi sila nagkita.
I wiped my tears as Hanzo left me where we stood a while ago without a single word. The cold breeze swept as I wept. I wanted to say sorry. Gusto ko siyang yakapin. Ayoko siyang umalis. I had so many words to say to him pero lahat yun ay pinigilan ko.
"I appreciate you, Hanzo." "I like you too."
Those were the words I want to say to him, and my mind was scolding me in my head since I disregarded that feeling.
I think the only thing that made me feel relieve after what happened was that I wasn't able to confess back. Kasi alam kong sakit lang ako sa ulo. Mahirap akong mahalin dahil sa mga problema ko. Mahirap akong pakisamahan dahil pabago-bago ang isip at emosyon ko.
I myself is unstable.
The word "love" doesn't suit me at all. I don't even know what that is.
It was completely dark when I went back the rest house sa loob ng farm ng mag-isa. Ilang metro din ang layo sa factory but the view didn't change at all. Sa harap ng rest house ay ang malawak na coffee farm. The rest house was uphill kaya medyo malamig but the front garden was spacious so I decided to stay outside for the same reason that I don't want to see Mang Kanor and I don't want to bump unto Hanzo. I felt at fault seeing him lose his smile and confidence kanina.
I was so guilty I felt like going home. Wala na akong mukhang maihaharap sa kaniya.
Nauna na rin palang nagpaalam si Luxem dahil may importante daw itong aasekasuhin. Work or school, either of the two. Inaasekaso din kasi niya ang mga bagay-bagay sa winery nila ng Dad niya sa labas ng bansa.
I saw a hand reached me with a cup of milk. My mood lightened a bit.
Kinuha ko iyon but I refused to say thank you nang makita kong si Oscar iyon. He sat on the grass just beside me with a cup of tea on his hand. Manggugulo na naman sa magulo ko nang isip.
"Kung iniisip mong tuksuin ako, ipagpabukas mo na.
To my surprise, he didn't answer back. When I turned to look at him sitting beside me, he was intently looking at me na para bang sinusuri ang kabuuan ng aking mukha.
"A-Anong problema mo?" Lumukot ang aking mukha.
Inilayo ko ang mukha ko sa kanya because I don't want someone else so close to me.
"Nope." Uminom ito sa kanyang kape, completely ignoring me.
"Nope, what?"
He shushed me while his free hand covered my face. Kaasar. Parang ako pa 'yung lumalabas na gusto siyang kausap.
Bahala ka nga!
"Ang boring mo ng tuksuhin." He blurted out, his eyes meeting the bast darkness in front of us.
"Mukha bang interesadong akong makipagbiruan sayo?"
I don't even want to talk to him the first time we met, duh. Ang makipagbiruan pa kaya?
He just shrugged and choose to stay quiet. Hindi ko maitatangging thankful ako na hindi na siya ulit nagsalita. Ewan ko ba, naiinis ako sa pagmumukha niya. Lalo na kapag nanunukso na. Di naman kami close. Feeling niya lang.
I closed my eyes and heaved a deep sigh. My hearing senses were hightened and I can clearly hear the crickets around. I can smell the vanilla scent from the milk and how humid the winds were while touching my skin.
Inilapag ko sa harap ang tasa na nangangalahati na lamang ang inumin. I rubbed my arms to create friction. It felt warm.
"Nagsuot ka kasi dapat ng sweater or jacket. I won't lend you mine just because you're a cute girl." He smirked.
Nairita ako sa pagmumukha niya hence I blushed to what he just said. Cute? Ako?
"So you blush when someone calls you cute, huh?"
My mouth gapped. This guy, he definitely knows how to get into my nerves. Gustong-gusto ko na siyang sapakin, I swear! Hindi ba niya alam ang salitang preno?
"W-Who told you I was blushing just because you told me I'm cute? K-Kung galing lang naman din sayo, bawiin mo na lang!"
Umiwas na ako ng tingin gently tapping my cheeks. I bit the inner of my cheeks.
"Whoa, whoa, easy. Why are you so worked up?" He chuckled.
He must've really enjoyed teasing me, seeing how ridiculous I look right now.
Bakit ka ba naman kasi namula? Ang cheap ha!
Napairap na lang ako sa hangin. I hissed at him sabay pinanlakihan ng mata. He held both of his hands high like how criminals do when they're held captive. Surrender mo mukha mo. Iyan ba yung surrender? He was grinning from ear to ear. Mapunit sana 'yang labi mo!
Nilunok ko ng isang lagukan lang ang natira sa gatas sa tasa. I was so into his reading that I didn't even know what getting burned is.
Naririnig ko pa rin ang pagpipigil niya ng tawa. I will definitely have something to tease him, I need to find one. Yung tipong mapipipi siya habangbuhay. Hindi pwedeng ako lang yung lugi.
"You're cute."
I gritted my teeth at sinamaan ko siya ng tingin. He was wiping his tears from laughing while his hands were on his stomach.
"Enjoy," I sarcastically said.
Ilang segundo lang ay tumahimik na rin siya. Namatay na yata. Rest in peace well.
The only thing I could hear right now was the sound of the crickets in sync, cricketing one after another. There were a few of the fireflies above shining like stars on the night sky. The hues up the space peeking from the moving clouds. I feel free here.
Ang ganda talagang manirahan sa probinsya. Ang tahimik. Wala masyadong tao. Walang nakakasilaw na mga screens na galing sa TV, laptop, or phones o mga taong nagvivideoke pa rin kahit disoras na ng gabi.
Even the air here is refreshing. Sa ciudad, halo-halo na ang amoy, may amoy putok, amoy paa, amoy usok mula sa mga sasakyan, pabrika, at mga sigarilyo. Crimes was ordinary as day. In short, ang gulo.
I was admiring the whole place when I felt a light thing covered my shoulders. When I looked up to see who it was, I saw Oscar. He fixed his sleeves and the collar of his turtle neck sweatshirt. For once, I saw the other side of him. Ayoko namang mangbash kung totoo namang may ipagmamayabang itong lalaki. He had broad shoulders. His biceps were stretching the hems of his sleeves. He had the right tan of his skin to be called moreno. What's more is how his jawline compliments the features of his face. He had a perfect natural curved shaped of dark brown brows with some rouged mole on the upper right side of his eyebrow which made it look so much better. His eyes sparkles like orbs in the night in the hues of brown. Lalo pa kapag natatapatan ng sinag ng araw. He had longer lashes than mine and you cannot miss how pointy his nose were. Sinundan ko siya ng tingin hanggang sa makaupo ito sa tabi ko. His lips were pink and thin that on closer look, you'll mistake it to a girls'.
"Are you done adoring my face?"
Sinalubong nito ang mga mata ko. Napako ako sa mga mata nitong nangungusap. Napailing-iling ako nang unti-unti nitong inilapit ang kanyang mukha sa akin. I saw him pressed his lips trying to conceal something.
"W-Wala naman, d-di ka naman kagwapuhan. T-Thank you sa jacket. Di naman kailangan e."
I swear my heart is beating so fast na para bang may ginawa akong mali at di dapat akong mahuli.
I tried to look back but I regret what I did dahil nakatitig pala ito sa akin. His hands were on his knees, intertwined.
"G-Gawa mo?"
"Admiring your face," he replied casually. "I didn't know that you had such small face."
He even lifted his hands, closed and then opened it like he was munching a dumpling in his hands.
"Hindi naman pwedeng ikaw lang ang tumitig... just to be fair." He shrugged as if it was nothing.
But to me, it was everything. I've never been stared at my face like that. I mean, Hanzo used to pero si Hanzo yun e!
Napatakip ako ng mukha sa ginagawa niyang pagtitig. I was worried that u. I might tease me again that I'm blushing. Subukan niya lang talaga! Siya naman itong may kasalanan e! Hindi naman ako magrereact ng ganito kung di dahil sa panunukso niya e!
He was trying to keep my hands away my face while I yell at him, trying to get my face out of his stare. Bigla na lang siyang na-out of balance but before his face dive again, for the second time, he was able to control himself. He stopped inches away from my face, bith his knees on the grass, while I was locked in between his arms. Held captive.
Hindi ako makagalaw sa biglaang pangyayari. All I know was, our position is awkward.
"Hanzo! There you are!"
I heard a voice coming from the hallway of the resthouse. It was calling for Hanzo's name as its voice approaches closer. Nagulat ako nang nakita kong nakatayo roon si Hanzo. He was just there staring straight at us like were some characters from a movie. I can't clearly see his face but I can sense an immense aura coming right out of him. When a girl in his twenties reached for him, he immediately turned around and went back inside while saying something at her na hindi ko na narinig.
She gave us a quick look and then followed the steps where Hanzo went. Nakita ko pa itong kumapit sa braso ni Hanzo. I felt something inside me sting.
Great! Just great! Palagi naman akong malas. The thing is, I'm still not used to it.
Wala na sa harapan ko si Oscar but I can see his shoes in front of me. He's definitely standing right before me. I face-palmed.
Mukhang di na talaga kami magkakaayos ni Hanzo. And now, he has a girl with him. Good for him.
"And when I thought I made you feel better," he lend his hand to me which I received.
Magrereklamo pa ba ako? Nangyari na e. Nakakapagod nang sisihin 'yung tadhana o kamalasan. They are all ganging up to get me.
"Are you in a sort of LQ?"
Oscar curiously asked.
"LQ?" I tried to fake a laugh.
He just stood there, his hands on his waist. Pinagpagan ko ang sarili ko at ibinalik sa kanya ang jacket niya.
"Thanks... And LQ? The last time I knew I was just his employee. And nothing changed." I exasperatedly blurted out.
"Sus, 'yang mukhang yan? I don't buy it. You clearly have feelings for him. At mukha namang may gusto din yung tao sayo. He wouldn't be that angry when we saw us earlier. Is that the face of a boss-employee relationship?" Mahaba nitong litanya.
I was starting to convince myself that he had a point. Ayoko lang aminin.
"Siya? Galit? And for what reason? I won't buy your word too. You'll just see how I would react so you'll have something to tease me again."
Humalukipkip ito at seryoso akong tinitigan. Pinaningkitan niya ako ng mata na para bang may hinahanap sa aking mukha
"Stop with that stare." I warned him. "I swear, you look like a creep."
He just smirked at what I said. Mukha ba iyong compliment.
Umiling-iling ito na para bang may nalalaman na hindi ko alam. Is he taking me for a fool? Nakakatanga na ha!
"Are you not jealous?"
He took a step closer to me. His lips smirked in an annoying way.
"Why would I?"
He shrugged. My forehead creased. Ano bang gusto nitong malaman?
"Guys don't get angry except for two things," again, he took another step closer.
I want to hear it. May sa loob sa aking gustong malaman kung anong dahilan kung bakit galit si Hanzo. Don't get me wrong, I don't trust this guy. But I guess, I would try to buy this one. Subukan niya lang magsinungaling. I was just taking this because he's a man.
Yep. That's it.
"One," I raised my brow at him.
"He doesn't like men,"
Napaisip ako. Oscar? He doesn't like Oscar? Well, it's understandable. Ayoko rin naman sa kanya.
"What's the second one?"
He smirked. I just shrugged at him. Bawal na bang magtanong.
"Second reason is... he likes you."
He used his finger to point at me. Lumukot ang aking mukha. Ano ba namang rason iyan? Akala ko talaga ay seryoso ito sa pa- "two reason why a guy gets angry" niya.
"Yeah, I don't buy it. Pasok na ako." I yawned to support my statement.
"Do you still don't get it? He doesn't want any guys with you besides him because he is jealous!" He exclaimed as if done with me being naive.
I know he confessed. But I don't think Hanzo's serious. Maybe it's because he was swayed by his emotions because he was with me this past few weeks. I can hardly convince myself to hold onto this thought.
"You're joking." I groaned.
Sinamaan ko siya ng tingin. Di na nakakatuwa ang mga biro niya.
"Do I look like I'm kidding?"
He sighed in defeat when he saw me without an expression on my face.
He stood there for a second as I watched him think of something to support his claims.
"How do you feel about Hanzo having another girl with him?"
Saan niya naman napulot iyon?
"I-I," Without proper reason, I was stunned to speak.
How would I react about Hanzo having another girl? I mean, that's his decision.
"How did you feel after Kristine ran after him and clung on his arms?" Oscar stared at me intently.
Parang siya na mismo ang may gustong mag-isip ng isasagot ko. Why is he so pushy?
"Wala."
Umirap ito sa akin.
"You're clearly jealous." he casually said, as if speaking my mind.
"Edi ikaw na ako!" Wala sa sariling napasigaw ako.
Nakakainis na kasi siya e! He's straight as an arrow. Hindi ako makailag.
There was his winning smirk.
"Sir Hanzo! Huwag ka na daw magalit, pansinin mo na daw si Ash!"
He left me and started shouting with his hands on the side of his mouth.
Gone was his serious stare na akala ko'y ikakasabog na ng puso ko sa sobrang kaba. Is he intentionally stirring up my emotions? Ewan ko na!
Basta alam ko, may sasakalin ako to death mamaya!
"OSCAR!!!" I yelled.