Part 5: This pain
wouldn't be for evermore
Serge:
Ignited with broken sensations capturing my loose state, I open my eyes as blinding lights spark up my vision all distorted.
There's full gleamed equipment beside me, and my body is dressed in a white gown. I feel weak and my eyes wander to the injections of tubes placed in my wrist. I'm in a hospital, or so it seems.
My head hurts from dizziness and my mind craves an explanation as to what happened. All I could remember at the moment was the sight of the stall fading from my vision and blood circling out of my mouth.
"You're awake."
My eyes moved to the sound of a chill voice tickling my ears, and I couldn't help but feel lighter as I saw my mom entering the room and sitting beside me.
"What happened?" I ask, looking at her.
She gives me a subtle smile and holds my hand, squeezing it light-heartedly. "You were u-uhm..." She stutters with the words and stares back at me with teary eyes. "You were unconscious in a bathroom stall, bleeding. You were just lying there, curled up and crying." She continues, trying to wipe off her tears.
I couldn't help but feel guilty seeing her in such a tearful state, and my body feels more helpless with all the things that happened last night. "Was Hogan the one who found me?" I ask.
I don't really know what I'll do if he's the one who discovers me in such a tragedy. It sucks because there's still a part of me that wishes last night hadn't just happened. I wish I hadn't just let my feelings get the best of me and I wish I wasn't too fucked up as a person to not care about what he's feeling at all. I know for a fact that my attraction to him wouldn't change, yet now I can't do anything other than hide it. All the words he said last night truly hit me hard, and I hate how fast I provoked his points with my emotions. He's mostly right and I'm afraid that I just lost everything we had just because of how dumb I am. I tried my best not to mope about the fact that I just easily pushed him away, yet I still couldn't help but crave his touch, his voice, and simply his body next to me. It took me years to realize how badly I wanted him as my own, but it only took a short period of time for me to lose him.
"No," she answers. "A stranger found you lying there. We only heard about it through one of your dad's friends."
I give her a simple nod, feeling slightly relieved that it isn't Hogan. However, my curiosity still seems to sweep out of me as I continue to think of him. "Does Hogan know?" I ask, my tone slightly hopeful.
My mom looks at me, seemingly trying to figure out my expression as she tries to answer my question calmly. "He hadn't yet. He said that you might want some space, so he didn't want to bother you for now." She answers, sending a sharp pain through my skin.
My heart trembles from the idea that he didn't find it in him to come, even though I was the one who literally gave him that impression. I don't know why I suddenly feel saddened by her words, though I can already guess it's from the way Hogan still has a grip on me.
I definitely told him that I needed space, yet I still wanted him to push my walls away again and make sure that I was okay. I've just become too dependent on what he thinks of me whenever I'm down and to take care of me when I'm at my lowest. He can easily hide his concern when we're together, even though I can read him most of the time, and I can't help but feel validated when he doesn't try to bring up the topic of what brings me down.
He never tries to worsen what I'm feeling but only makes me feel happier whenever he's with me. And I can never bring myself to be mad at him because I know how much worry he always feels, just to protect me. He's there when I need him and though I usually dwell on how he didn't give me any attention last year, I still always see through his eyes how he never lost his heart even as he was away from me. I'm just too caught up in worrying that I'll only be a burden to him that I didn't even remember that he was originally my friend. A friend that always helped me through tough times and a friend who never lost hope that I'd get back to being the guy he once had. He knows my weaknesses yet, he became my weakness as well.
My mom squeezes my hand even tighter, pulling me out of my thoughts as she looks at me sincerely with her sad eyes. "Honestly, Serge. What is happening between you and Hogan? You seemed so happy being with him just a couple of weeks back. Now, he can't even bring himself to visit you. He's even always the first one who goes out of his way to see you whenever you get rushed to the hospital, so it's odd not to see him here. Is what happened last night about Hogan? because I could tell it definitely had something to do between you guys." She says this with pure curiosity in her words.
Her accusations instantly cut through me because of how right they are. Hogan has always been the first one to visit me when I'm at the hospital, and he never leaves my side until I'm feeling all better again. I wish he would do the same now to soothe what I'm feeling even though I know it's unlikely.
I just give her a smile because I know I can't bring myself to answer her right now, and I'm too weak to admit that I'm the reason she thinks of that in the first place.
I then let my thoughts trail to Hogan once again, and I smile as each memory of him graze my helpless mentality.
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We just sat there in silence for a long time until my stepdad comes and brings us food. The nurse also specified that my emergency wasn't that major and I could easily be discharged tomorrow or the next day. They've only said that it was because of the beers I've drank and how I haven't been eating that much lately.
Multiple people also came to visit me throughout the day, even though my mind was only hoping for one specific person to show up.
Haley came to know what happened and be overdramatic her whole stay, crying endlessly in front of me as if I was dead. She was also with Heath, and they tried to enlighten me with gossip about what's happening right now.
Heath also told me what Hogan did yesterday to Collier and how triggered he was to find me first. The video had also been deleted from the site after the fight, which sent easiness through my body.
They left after an hour of just talking to me since Haley had to go somewhere, leaving me alone now in this hospital gray.
My body feels tired and my mind has run out of things to think about. I didn't want to dwell on the fact that Hogan hadn't shown up yet, but I do feel like I've been stabbed with useless hope as time passes without any sign of him.
My eyes close, hoping to get an early sleep. However, I immediately lose my senses as a familiar voice comes to greet me in the room.
"Hey."
My eyes opens hazily, trying to make out his face as a smile slips from my lips.
Hogan's dad makes his way to the room, sitting next to me in the bed, and hands me something that seems like a frame.
"We just came back this morning and wanted to say hi to you."
"How you feeling, kiddo?" He asks, with his usual calmness in his voice.
My heart feels thrilled from having him here, and even though I'm kind of empty that Hogan's not with him, I still couldn't help but just feel grateful for seeing him.
"I'm fine, thanks." I say to him, my voice slightly raspy.
He continues to look at me with his dashing smile and focuses his gaze to examine my body.
"It really got you hard, huh? They said you were drinking. It looks like you at least got something from your dad." He speaks with humour.
I chuckle lightly to ease the tension since I didn't really want to talk about my dad right now and try to play off his joke. "Uh...yeah."
He and my dad weren't really that close. In fact, he hated him. He knows what my dad has done and wasn't afraid to speak out to me about being careful around him, which I appreciated. Mr. Henderson has always tried to be my second dad whenever I stay at their house and easily makes me feel welcome, so I can avoid the problems my mom and dad were facing those times.
My eyes roam again to the thing that he handed me when he got here and I try to shake it to get a hint of what it is.
"Uh.....sorry that Hogan isn't here with me right now, but I can tell he really wanted to come." He said, making my attention go back to him again. "I tried asking him to come with me, but he still wouldn't want to leave his room. He has been crying, I think when we got home this morning, and also didn't eat that much." He takes my hand in his, and continues. "I could tell how much he cares about you, Serge. I think he really does. He became more different when he was with you, and it saddens us to see that both of you are aching right now. Me and Dana already noticed that he probably loves you more than we thought." He says, making me feel nervous as to what he might say next.
"It's- It's not-"
"No. It's fine, Serge." He abruptly cuts me off. "You don't have to deny it. We don't want you to feel the need to hide since we know how happy Hogan is whenever he's with you. We even thought that there was something going on between you two even before he introduced us to his girlfriend. Which I wasn't entirely a fan of, if you hadn't noticed, and besides, we wouldn't want anyone else to be with our son other than you." He continues, making my heart thrill with contentment.
Every word that he said pierced through me as if it had been something I had been waiting to hear, and I couldn't help but feel my body shudder with happiness from his validation. It's messed up that even with everything I said yesterday, my heart still craves to feel him again next to me, pressed against my body. I don't know what it is about his words that instantly made me feel hopeful yet guilty at the same time, since I don't entirely know if I could still bring myself to prove that he's right and not be a total disappointment to him. Even though I know for a fact that I probably won't be able to easily move on from everything yet, my mind still feels captivated with the thought of his approval.
"He uh...asked me to give that to you when I left. So I'll just leave it to you for now and I'll come back later again, okay?" He says,while planting a soft kiss on my forehead and stands to leave the room.
My eyes trail once again to the frame-like gift he gave me, and my heart screams with pure sorrow as I read the letter that is taped in the wrapper.
Dear Serge,
I just want to say that I'm sorry for everything that I said to you last night, and yeah, you're right, we're probably better off as friends for now, if you still consider me one. I just didn't know how to feel since I don't really want to give you up and it might take a while for me to move on from what you said. I'll just give you space if you need it, but I'll be willing to take you back if you ever change your mind. I would wait a million years for you. If I will, and if you don't feel like coming back, then it's fine. I only want you to know that I love you and it wouldn't change because I know for a fact that you're the only one that has ever made me feel the love that I truly wanted. I'm just sorry for everything that you've gone through and I wish I could turn back time so I wouldn't ever have to lose you, but I can't. Nothing will probably change for now, but I'll be thinking of you every time that passes by. We're hopeless, but your faithless love is the only thing that I need. I hope you feel okay again and I hope we'll still be friends because I can't bear to lose anymore of you.
Love, Hogan
My eyes bawled into a sobbing cry as I read every word in the letter he wrote. I couldn't help but just feel endless emotions lush out of me from the genuine feel of his letter. It hurts, and even as I try to hold off my whimper, it only escapes out of me, battling my deep intuition.
I don't know what to feel but to just cave in to what I'm feeling and die inside, knowing I'm the one who made him feel that way. I don't want to lose it, and even though it's hard, I hope he'll be patient with me. The words he said are enough to make me feel complete, and my heart fights for a sudden push of what I'm feeling. I can't give up on him even if I try, and I can't bring myself to not think about him much less. Every road that I just take travels into him and my heart stops from how wrecked he's making me feel.
My hands then start unwrapping his gift to see what it is, and my eyes break into more tears as my hand touches a notebook full of his sketches.
It's covered with pictures of us together and decorated with painted designs. I open the notebook, turning to the first page, and my heart bursts with happiness as it is drawn with a sketch of two hands holding together.
The lines show equivalence to a photo we've taken with our fingers intertwined and his thumb brushed against my skin. Multiple drawings of me graze each page of the book, and a sight in full motion pictures fills the papers.
It was made by him. And that's enough to make me feel special. It's even better than the last notebook he gave since this one is devised with different quotes written in every drawing.
It feels like a whole new feeling and my body hurts with indifferent bliss from seeing the things he has drawn.
My tears shed, fully aware that drops of it were falling on the papers, though I didn't bother to care about my emotions as I let it all out.
The pages end with a drawing of our bodies next to each other, sitting on the bridge with our backs facing the road. The sketch is mainly focused on us and the memory of when we were together crashes through me.
I love him so much, it hurts and even though it will not always end as our ideal fantasy, the story of us together will just end as a fairytale of being with him.
My mind falls into cold resentment from how I've taken him for granted, and my heart melts with heartache, hoping this isn't the end.
I just close my eyes, hoping that the surreality of this will eventually open my eyes to the true reality of my feelings for him, as I close the notebook with my hand and hug it against me until I fall asleep.