Hogan:
My mind was in utter complicity when we left. I already drove Heath off to his house and tried to go to Serge again, hoping that he was there. His mom was the only one who greeted me as I tried to thread my way to his room. It was still locked. I didn't bother asking if he was there or not because I believe it's best to give him some space right now. I just hope that he's fine and that I can try to explain myself to him, though I can't at the moment. Now, I'm just alone in my room, not knowing what to do and curled up in my bed.
I've also put my phone on silent so their messages would just be blocked out. It's hopeless to think that it'll all be fine even though I want nothing more right now but to feel full again. I just need time to adjust and definitely a lot of time before I go to school again. I can't bear to hear their words right now and how they'll gossip about it for weeks. I think I could probably shut it down if the video is already deleted and deal with it on my own terms. My main focus for now is just to clear up my relationship with Serge. He feels done, which I hate, and I couldn't help but cry with the thought that he won't be able to handle what's more to come. I doubt we'll even be friends if we break up, which will lead us to just forget all the things we've been through together. I just want nothing more than to hold him right now and reassure him that it'll only get better.
My body feels weak and my mind is in pure disbelief of what's happening. Yet, I still try to distract myself from everything going on around me.
I reach for my nightstand and take a notebook and pen from it to start my drawing.
I've been working on a new set of sketches ever since that fight between Serge and Yuri. It was only yesterday, yet I didn't waste any time other than to make another drawing for him. I know how disappointed he looked when Yuri tore it apart, even though I had already told him it was fine. I could easily work on a new one for him and I wouldn't second guess if he ever asked me again.
The pen moves with the brisk of its tip, lining into curves, and I try to picture Serge's face in my head. His face is already carved in my mind, which is why I know how he looks all too well. Those pale eyes of his that always make me go into hypnosis whenever I stare at them. His lined jaw that cuts through my lips whenever I run my kiss over it, and his pretty boy face that gets me head over heels for him. Every thought I have is of him, and every inch of my inspiration comes from his presence.
I picture the details on his face while still trying to manage my focus. The lines, the premises, and his smile. My heart melts into happiness whenever I think of him as I continue and finish my sketch.
It only took me twenty minutes to finish one uncolored picture of him, and then I immediately proceeded to the next. This time, I took my phone out, not bothering to look at the texts, and I opened my photos. Even my gallery is full of him, which I can't even complain about since I've never taken that many pictures of myself. It's also divided into albums with different descriptions. I laugh at the names of each album as my finger grazes on the section of his body.
They're not really nudes of him but mostly just pictures of his lined upper parts. His body is not that muscular and his physique seems thin. However, you can clearly see the lines of his soft abs. It's clean yet bruised, and the sexiness of his frame sends my mouth to instantly water. I could only remember the way my lips move across his muscles and how easily it is to be lost in the taste of him.
My hands move while I take in the state of his body and try to sketch his fine build.
It'll definitely take me minutes before I finish working on the drawings of him, yet I can't really bring myself to stop since it's the only thing that's keeping me sane right now and the only way I can keep my hope of being with him. His ghost has possessed my body to the point that I can't even let it out. His mouth is encrypted in my skin, and his face haunts me every night. I don't ever want to take love for him for granted because now, it's truly clear to me how much he's worth.
********************
It's already night time when I finish. I've already drawn almost ten pictures of him, which is undeniably fascinating, though these hours are mostly the times when I can't help but feel motivated to draw. There was no distraction that was brought to me that stopped me from only thinking about him, and I couldn't help but feel happiness whenever he grazed my thoughts.
I've already eaten some snacks while sketching, but I still feel hungry. I mostly just buy myself food at night since I can't really bring myself to cook and my parents are gone. I sometimes go out or order things. However, right now, I want nothing more than to get out of my room.
I take my keys from their place again, feeling content with what I've drawn, and leave my house to head off to Carmy's.
The road is full and the light shines from the darkened city. I've gone through the easy route and passed the bridge, but as I get nearer to its end, a figure in the corner immediately captures my eyes, and I can't help but feel wonderstruck as I take in his body.
His frame is thin and his hair is dark yet flowy. His back is facing the road, and it's obvious that he has been drinking from the lines of beer next to him. There's also a bike lying at his side, which I easily recognize, and my heart pounds with relief as I get closer.
It's Serge
My eyes trailed on him, examining his state, and I couldn't help but feel heavy-hearted from seeing his state. He's breathing heavily, and his face is formed with watercolor eyes. He's staring straight at the city while indulging his feelings with indelible hurt.
"I can feel you standing there, Hogan." He say, making my body shudder from hearing him say my name.
My lungs feel breathless from the cold autumn air and my heart burns with mellowness. "What are you doing?" I asks.
I can hear his whimpers from afar, and it's noticeable that he has been crying for a while now. "Isn't it obvious? I want to get fucking drunk.
My body froze from his passiveness as I continued to soften my composure. "Why?" I ask, not really knowing how to respond.
He doesn't answer after that, which pierces me as my eyes draw at the cans of alcohol that he has finished. "Shit. How many have you drank? " I ask with an amusing panic in my tone.
Serge finally looks at me from where he's seated and rolls his eyes as if I'm foolish. "Can you just cut me some slacks and leave?" I want to be alone right now, okay?" He commands.
My feet step nearer to him, hoping to get a view of his face as I place my hands behind him and try to move his used body. "This is not okay, Serge. We have to leave. Come on now." I say, while bringing my hands to lift him up.
He immediately pushes me away with such force that it makes me tremble. "No." He replied, standing up. "Please, Hogan. I'm done now. I don't want to feel like I have to even care about the world anymore. It's bullshit. Everything is so fucking bullshit." He answers hopelessly while looking at me with his mournful eyes.
My heart burns with melancholy while staring at his pale orbs as I try to respond to him calmly. "Is it about the video?" I ask.
Serge looks at me with pure disbelief and huffs while lifting the can of beer in his hand. "Of course, it's about that fucking video." He said this while taking a sip of his alcohol. However, he throws it off afterwards, not being able to hide his raging feelings anymore. "It's not fine, Hogan. They assaulted you, and it's all my fault. I can't bear to let them take advantage of you just because I'm nowhere near your level. I should've known it would end like this. It's all my fucking fault." He rants while his tears grow heavier with each word.
My heart sinks from within me and my mind screams from my suspicion of how he'll react to it. I knew he would panic, yet I don't ever want him to blame himself for something that I chose. "It's not your fault, Serge." I reassure him while shaking my head.
"Then who the fuck is it?" He immediately commands. "It all went crashing down ever since we started dating. Do you really think it would only be fun and laughter while we're together? Of course, it wouldn't be. I tried to think that I could continue acting like it would all suddenly fall in our favour, yet it didn't. We're messed up, Hogan, and I don't want to ever let you feel that way anymore." He continues while letting out more sniffled whimpers.
My heart feels like it's been stabbed in the most crucial way, and my mind begs to not let him feel that way. "No." I say, more defensively.
Serge looks at me with his brows furrowed as if he won't take any of my reasons. "What?"
"I know you might think that there's no saving us right now, but it doesn't mean that we've already brought the worst out of each other. Being with you meant having the best day of my life. No one can compare to the feelings I have felt while having you there, thinking you're now mine, Serge. Just because our stars are not aligning right now doesn't mean I will love you less. It will happen, and I know this has gone too much, but I don't ever want you to feel that I didn't want to be with you less than you wanted to be with me. So think about it, Serge. Think about us." I say, as my tone becomes begging and my eyes start to fall into shudders.
Serge looks at me in despair, refusing to give in. "I can't." He answers with a desperate certainty. "Really, Hogan. I can't. I tried not to be ruined by it, but it's too much and I'm scared that I'll just keep pulling you down with me."
"Bullshit." I reply in a derisive tone. "Can you just for once stop thinking that this all has something to do with who you are? Serge, honestly, if you keep thinking you're not enough, I doubt we'll ever fix this. So please, just think about what you're saying."
"It's useless, Hogan. Just please stop. Can't you see that nothing good has ever come out of us? People always have something to say, and I can't bear to see you lose yourself because of me. They've already made it clear that guys like me don't deserve people like you. I'm just that gay guy that everyone thinks not to worth any part of who you are. Love has been forbidden at so many levels, and love isn't something that needs to be taken aback. And I hate that I can't even bring myself to accept that the love the only guy I've ever wanted is giving me. No one can ever stop me from loving you, but I feel that I don't want to aim for anything more than that." He says, almost sounding like it's the end of us.
"Can you just... stop thinking about what other people feel? Think about what matters to me, not them, because I can tell you now, you're the risk I'm willing to take. I love you, Serge. So please just think about that." I reply more coldly, having every jarring word I have in my heart burst into what I'm feeling.
He just gives me a subtle smile before taking a seat at the bridge's edge again. I keep waiting for him to answer back, yet all I get is deafening silence as he continues to gulp on his beer.
My pierced heart has been broken with every minute that passed by, hoping he would reconsider his words, yet he didn't. My eyes are only fixed on him and my tears begin to swell in my cheeks. I wish he didn't just render the pieces of who we are and I hope this doesn't ruin our friendship much less. I've said all the things I wanted to say, just to let him know how much he means to me, yet he only saw a desolate and took my words for granted.
I want to wait for him no matter how long it takes, and I'll try my best to not let him feel any less happy than I feel whenever I am with him.
I sigh, feeling more hopeless as I move my body away from him and take my bike.
"I didn't think that you'd be the first one to give up on us." I finally say as I continue to settle myself and leave him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Serge:
Sinking with hurt creeping through my mind, I try to control my emotions. Yet, they just keep flowing through me and make me feel more dejected.
Hogan's words stabbed through my skin like a sharp dagger. Yet, I can't even bring myself to fight for what he said. He's right, and I hate how blind I was to not see what he was worth to me. I'm the one who loved him first, yet I was also the first person to give up on us. It shouldn't even have to matter to me how others might feel, but I can't help but let their words get through me. It's just the way I've always felt. I was so preoccupied with what other people thought of me that I forgot about what he thought. I'm too dependent on beating myself up and I know how hopeless it is for me to still push him back after everything that he said. I really don't know how I'll fathom every word that he's given, so the only thought that grazed through me was to not tolerate my feelings towards him. Now, I'm just a wasted boy stuck in the middle of an internal crisis. It's funny, right?
My body still feels numb even after every drink that I have drank, and my mind is in full awareness of not being sober. I need to get away from everything at the moment, and I need to find myself throughout it.
I begin to stand where I was seated, fully ignited with my crushed state as my skin feels the heaviness of the cold air. The wind crawls through what I'm feeling and I'm easily drawn to every essence of despair.
My feet walk to the nearest toilet at the far end of the bridge, and I bring my unbalanced body to keep with my pace.
Cars pass me as I make my way, and my head hurts in a high state while focusing my gaze on where I'm going.
I can't help but just feel broken with every step that I take, and my tears fall to the ground, marking the pavement.
My body moves to a stall once I'm in the bathroom and I don't bother to close the door.
My mind is just in full wreckage from everything and my heart burns, hoping the sadness would stop killing me.
I open the zipper of my pants to pee and wait until I finish.
I just stand there, not knowing what to do, and every thought that I have circles the signals in my body. My knees feel weak from all the things that have gone wrong this day and I fall to the bathroom floor, completely hopeless as more tears break from my eyes.
My lungs hurt from the beers that I have drank, and I brought my mouth to its seat to let out my haziness. Dashes of vomit escape from my lips and my breath hurts, feeling reckless with every shot. However, as my feelings get deeper, a taste of pure metal lushes out of my opening and blood falls from my mouth. The taste of it is unpleasant and takes every bit of strength I have left.
My body surrenders with lingering shudders falling off of me, and I feel my state move into a hurdle as I curl myself on the floor of the toilet.
Blood is still caught on my lips and flows to the floor as my gaze focuses in front of me. My eyes are in stilled tears and my head pounds, giving me insurmountable sensations of dizziness.
I keep coughing in a breathless motion, and my eyes threaten to close. I'm weak, and though I want nothing more than to feel happy, my body is still crowned with undeniable wreckage.
I just wanted all of this to end, so I let my body fall with the coldness of the floor, not bothering to get up, and my eyes closed in appalling tragedy as my mind grazed on the last words Hogan had said to me.
I didn't think that you'd be the first one to give up on us