When things go baldy we find our own inner strength. So, maybe it's not always a bad thing when we get lost along the way. Because at the end of it all, if we have found ourselves it can't be a bad thing.
Hello Jesse?
That voice sent a shiver down my spine. The cold, callus and evil voice came from the one person I had wanted to stay away from. His voice was bad on a normal day, but now we were alone and I wasn't sure how I would get out. Time stilled. Everything around me changed. I was alone with the person who hated me the most.
My blood went cold. I could feel his presence behind me. It was my worst nightmare come true. Well, not the worst. The worst would have been Noah leaving me. But this was a very, very close second. I could feel my heart sink. Nathan and I were alone in a shed. No one could hear us.
"It's good to see you again, Jesse." He chuckled.
Nathan? Crap, crap, crapity crap!
"I must admit, I'm surprised it took this long. You always were hard to find alone. Noah hangs out of you like a leech. It's not very attractive. To be honest I find it sickening."
He whistled and I felt myself grimace at the sound. He was cheerful. Very cheerful in fact and that worried me even more.
"What's the matter Jesse? Not enjoying my company? I know I'm not the leech, but still... We can have our own fun."
"Now, now, Jesse. That's no way to treat an old friend. Why don't you turn around and face me like a man? Too scared? I thought you would be happy to see me again."
There were a few footsteps and I could feel that he was moving closer. Not close yet, but he was getting there. I started shaking and then I heard a low chuckle behind me.
"Are you afraid, Jesse?" He whispered.
My body failed me, I was unable to move. I wanted to cry it wasn't fair. I was getting on with my life and I was getting better. In that moment I felt stupid. Heart racing, I clenched my fist. Something in me broke. I felt him behind me. He was getting closer to me, his presence not a welcome one.
He's going to hurt me. He's going to hurt me badly.
"I know you looked at me Faggot. I know before you and Noah started perverting together you wanted me. But why would I want a disgusting little queer like you? I wouldn't." His voice was cold and callus. From the way he spoke it was obvious I knew he was enjoying tormenting me. He was getting a kick out of saying those things to me.
"What do you want?" My voice was weak. Weaker than I would have liked, but I was not ready for this. I thought I wouldn't survive this.
"What do you want? Please, I don't know why you're doing this to me."
"Ah, now that would be telling you." He stalked forward. Every step he took sounded closer to me. A light tap against the cold hard floor sent a chill down my spine. "I have a lot of fun planned for the two of us Jesse. An awful lot of fun and I promise you will enjoy yourself."
"Don't you trust me Jesse?" He whispered almost silently into my ear.
A sharp bang to my head sent me flying through the shed. I slammed against the far wall and ended up banging my head against the broken shelf. Nathan was standing in front of me. Looking even more evil than I had seen him up until that point, I'm not sure I'd seen anyone look like that before that moment.
His hair was dirty and he had badly grown stubble over his face, his eyes bulging. He looked like a maniac. Saliva was dripping from his mouth, a twisted smirk was showing off his crooked teeth. Our eyes met as he looked down at me and smiled. I was truly afraid then.
"Why are you doing this? I can't give you anything. There's nothing you're going to gain from having me here. So why do it? You are not making any sense." It was worthless to try and talk to him he wasn't going to let me go willingly.
"I could never understand why you hated me. Yes I'm gay, yes I love Noah. But not once did I try to come on to you. It makes no sense to me."
"I enjoy watching you suffer. You think you're so great. Well you're not. Do you want to know how much Noah loves you? Do you?" The way he spoke made me nervous. The guy was a creep, but that was not comforting to me, in fact I was sure that I would not be making it out the same way I came in. If I made it out at all. But I tried to shove those thoughts out of my head.
"Noah loves you that much he was with me before you ever got together. I was stupid, but when we had sex he really enjoyed it. Not once did your name come up." He continued. "I was drunk and wanted to get off. He was sober though and tried to get me back again. After you two got together. He wanted to screw me not you. Does that make you feel good? Does it make you feel loved and wanted?"
He laughed the sound ringing in my ears. My, self-worth left with those words. Noah had been the one thing, the one positive thing since I had been four years old. Nathan had managed to take that away from me. He reveled in that fact.
Noah lied to me? He slept with Nathan! He screwed Nathan. He said I was going to be his first.
A lot of thoughts passed through my mind.. Everything inside me broke. I wanted to die, I didn't care if he decided to kill me. It's what I wanted. Noah had betrayed me, no he hadn't cheated, but he had lied to me. Which in my mind was worse than cheating. It was something I never thought he could do to me.
"Not saying much now, are you? Don't worry. We'll have fun together. Maybe we can see why my dad liked your mouth so much. You know he told me about the little whore he screwed. Lucky for me he also told me how great you were at sucking a cock."
Staying quiet, I could feel the tears coming. Nothing made sense anymore, my heart stopped beating properly and my breathing shallowed. Nathan was getting closer to me but I didn't care. I closed my eyes and drifted into my own head. My head was the safest place for me, no one hurt me there. I could see the Noah I loved. Not the person he was describing.
"Please, just kill me. Please... I don't want to live anymore."
"Please kill me."
I listened as he moved around inside the shed. He was breaking glass and I heard a click. The click registered with me and I realised he had a gun. Peaking out from under my eyelashes I noticed he had a small hand gun and several broken glass bottles. His cell phone was on a box in the corner.
I felt so alone, the cold was getting to me and before I drifted off to sleep I took noticed of the sound of rain pounding on the shed roof, the feel of water on the top of my head. The throbbing sensation at the back of my head. I fought against the every present darkness. But my body was weak.
I lost all hope of a future with Noah. He had not been honest with me, he didn't love me. If he had he would have been completely honest with me. Not lied and made me think I was his one and only. He was my one and only. I would never love someone again, I knew that. He knew that. Everyone knew that.
My thoughts were dark, darker than I ever could have imagined that morning. Funnily, I felt even worse thinking about the morning. Kissing Noah felt like a mistake. All of it felt like a mistake and I cried myself into a deep sleep. One that brought nightmares with it, and one that changed me in many ways.
"Waky, waky, sleepy head. Time to open your eyes." Nathan was now crouching in front of me with another evil smirk on his face. This one though showed how evil he really was. He had a glint in his eye, something I had never seen before. I felt the tears roll down my face and closed my eyes, wincing.
"We have to get started. Lots of fun to be had, you know. Lots and lots of fun." Another evil laugh escaped and he stood up grabbing me by the neck and lifting me off the ground.
"What is your definition of fun,because this is not mine." I spoke quietly, my throat hurt like hell, but I didn't care. I wanted this to be all over to finally have some peace.
He watched me with an unnerving glare. "Oh come on. The little fag wants to die now. Isn't that something else. Poor little faggot's upset I got there before him. Noah wasn't good you know. I'm not really into guy's bits. You can have him back." He was taunting me, trying to defeat me and it was working. I no longer had a reason to live. The love of my life had lied to my face. It was it for me.
He shoved me over to a corner in the shed. Broken glass was scattered on the floor and I saw drops of blood on them. It was then I noticed the throbbing in my feet and when I looked down my shoes and socks were gone. The pain was bearable, but they still hurt.
The rain was coming down faster and more violently. The sound of wood straining to stay up worried me. Thinking that at any minute the roof could collapse on us should have been comforting. But if I was honest, I worried it wouldn't do the job properly. A broken back was the worst outcome if the roof collapsed. Not death, which is what I wanted.
I heard the sound of the bell going off. Wondering what time it was I listened silently as the sound of people rushing out of the building reached the shed. Nathan grinned, giddy like a child Christmas morning. Waiting to see what they got for Christmas, but enjoying the way. The anticipation more fun than finding out what the presents were.
Something inside me died. I wasn't sure what it was and for ages I just waited until the noise died down and most of the students had left for the weekend. Noting as cars drove off and buses honked their horns. Four voices I didn't hear though and I waited to hear them. The voices of the four people I had been with just hours ago.
Lexi's was the only voice I wasn't expecting. She had gone already. I knew that, but Noah, Alex, Joey and Ricky had been in school all of them had gone off to class. Then, I wondered if they had already left. Knowing Noah, or what I thought I knew of Noah, he would not have left without me.
"Looks like Noah forgot about you." Nathan taunted. His voice made me feel small, smaller than I had felt in years. Even that day in front of the entire school had not been as bad. "Looks like they all forgot about you. And, you thought you were special. It's actually quite funny when you think about it."
Suddenly, a noise went off. I jumped at the sound and remembered my medication. Nathan grinned again. His teeth showing again, I wanted to gag. "Ah yes,that wonderful alarm. Telling you when to take your medication is it? How fun. But I don't think you'll be needing that anymore. Better give it to someone who'll live long enough to use it."
Better give it to someone who wants to live. Who has a reason to live, not someone who was never the first choice. Never loved or wanted by people/
"Do what you want with them. I don't care anymore." I whispered as more tears rolled down my eyes.
There was noise outside the shed. At first it sounded like someone was walking towards us. As the noise got closer I realised it was the sound of someone running. Then, I heard the voice.
"Jesse? Baby, where are you?" It was Noah's voice., he sounded concerned.
"Baby, come on out. If you're here."
"JESSE!"
He was frantic. I could see him through a small crack, but the shed's windows were darker. I presumed Nathan had covered them while I was asleep. No one could see in and we couldn't see out either. Added to that the shed was now locked. Noah wouldn't have thought to look for me in there.
"Please Jesse, if you can hear me come out." He was pacing up and down the length of the grass. I could not tell what else was happening, but I stayed quiet. His concern broke my hear, but I was broken. He had lied to me about everything. He had slept with Nathan of all people.
Nathan was laughing as I stood there. The glass had cut through a lot of the skin on my feet. I could feel the skin ripping, could see the blood on the ground where I stood. The smell was not pleasant either. Noah was still outside and I could hear him, but he had moved closer to the school building.
"Guess he wanted to find you... Or maybe he was trying to fool everyone like he fooled you." That voice made my blood boil. I had never felt as sick as I did there. In that shed, alone with Nathan. The person who had stolen the most important person in my life. The reason I was alive and well. It made my skin crawl.
"I'm just foolish. Andrea was right, I'm never going to be loved." Once the words left my mouth I realised I didn't believe that. Not really. Something was off.
"Noah wanted to see you again?" I asked looking at Nathan. His body relaxing against the far wall.
"Yeah. Wanna hear what he said to me? It would be a lot of fun." Something in his voice, he was cocky. But not in a way that made me believe him, it was more that he thought he was smarter than me. It was not one of being sure of ones self. I had to figure out what was going on. If it was true or not.
He took a voice recorder out of his pocket and placed it down in front of me. The box it was placed on could barely take it's weight and he smiled as he played the recording.
"I want to do it all over again."
Some background noise and a slight giggle in the background.
"We were good together. I loved what we did. I want to do it again," kiss, "and again," kiss ,"and again. I want to to kiss you until neither of us can see straight and we are not able to string a coherent sentence together." Another few kissing sounds a loud moan coming from both Noah and the person.
"I want you so much, it's been killing me sitting in class all day. Not having you near me."
More background noise and the sound of footsteps. Something falls in the background and more giggling.
"I love you."
The conversation played in my head. I fought against a smile as I saw Nathan swipe up the recording. That wasn't Nathan and Noah. It was Noah with me a couple of days ago. He had pulled me into the janitors closet and we had made out. Relief flooded in as I realised Noah had never cheated on me, or been with Nathan. It was just Nathan's sick game. I knew I had to keep up the act.
Closing my eyes I forced tears to come. My body vibrated and the sounds of my sobbing echoed around the shed. Nathan laughed as I did my best not to smile. I was worried he would figure out that I was playing him. Worry filled me as I realised Noah would be in danger if he were to find us.
"Guess lover boy was never really that into you. He just wanted an ass to fuck." Nathan was giddy again. I noticed a weak spot in his voice. He was repulsed by the lie. That gave me some satisfaction. Not a lot, but enough to make me happy. He had tried to destroy me, maybe I could return the favor.
"You can have him now. I don't care anymore. I never want to see him again." The lie burned my tongue, but I wasn't going to give up.
"I don't want the faggot. If you hadn't noticed, I'm not one of you freaks. I just don't want you thinking that he loved you. Given the chance he would be with me. Which personally, I find sick. But what can a guy do?"
His once cool and calm demeanor changed. I could see that he was on edge. What I had said had gotten to him. That made me happier than I had been while I was with him. Knowing that I could knock him off his game. It made me happy.
"Doesn't matter to me. So are you going to kill me? Is that your plan? I don't see what else you'd want to do." I pushed that bit farther, I knew there was something else he could do to me. That was what I wanted to avoid.
"Kill you? Maybe. But I actually want to see what my dad liked about you." Words failed me. I was scared again. He was going to rape me. Not that it was a shock. But I was going to get raped, again.
He's going to enjoy that. Raping me seems to give a lot of men a lot of pleasure. I just wish I knew why.
Looking around I wanted to scream. I wanted to do something, fear stopped me. The fear that he would hurt someone else stopped me in my tracks. No matter how scared I was, I couldn't let someone else get hurt.
So, I stood there and waited. Anticipating his next move was not hard. He stalked closer to me. Reminiscent of a lion stalking it's prey.
Before he could ponce we both heard the sound of cars driving up to the school. Neither of us moved as car doors slammed and people's raised voices traveled down to us. Mom, daddy and Noah were all shouting at someone.
Then, I heard a cops voice. He was pleading with them to calm down, but it had the opposite effect on them. Instead they got louder and more panicked. It amused Nathan to no end and I just prayed they would check the shed.
"We will find your son, don't worry. But if you don't calm down we wont be able to do our work properly."
Another argument ensued. This time mom was taking control of the situation and she let rip at the cop.
"I'm sorry, we're the problem. My son has been missing for almost four hours. He has a heart condition and he is recovering from surgery." A lengthy pause.
"And you just want me to stand here and do nothing? Have you no kids of your own. Because it doesn't sound like you have to me. Now I want you to help us look or go away. But I'm finding my son and YOU can't stop me!"
More shouting and finally the voices started coming closer to us. Noah sounded closer than any of them. He was screaming my name frantically.
"Jesse. Jesse. Come on Jess, if you're out there please call us. I need to know you're safe." His voice sounded husky, like he had been crying. "Please tell us where you are."
Nathan crowded me against the wall and shoved the gun in my mouth. Tears spilled down my eyes and we waited. He was smirking the whole time and whispering his plan in my ear. I knew then it was not going to be easy to get away.
Hours passed, it was dark outside. Nathan still held the gun in my mouth, but I was sitting now. Blood pouring from different parts of my body. Every inch of me hurt and I was tired now. My heart was aching in my chest. No one had found us.
The search was still active though. Every so often I heard voices. Mr. Begly was involved in the search. At one point he got close to the shed. But not close enough to find us in there. That was scary.
"Looks like I underestimated how long people would search for you. It's after nine now. What are we going to do?" Nathan was pissed. I hoped that it would offer a distraction so we could get out, I still worried though.
Please let me get out of this.
"Looks like I'll have to be careful. Can't shoot you until they leave. But I can still have fun with you." He smirked and continued. "They won't hear me raping you. No one ever heard. Did they Jesse?"
He pulled my trousers down and tried to reach for my boxers. I felt myself gag at the thought of Nathan seeing me naked.
I closed my eyes and prayed. I didn't believe in God, but I prayed hard. That was a worse thought than death. Being raped was worse for me, it always killed me inside. The thought of being raped again sickened me.
The noise outside increased. More voices and more vehicles pulled up outside the school. There was a lot of commotion going on outside. I still had hope, still knew I wanted Noah and to be back home with my family. Hope was something that gave me an idea.
If I mess this up I will put everyone in danger. So I have once chance. Hopefully that will be enough.
I kneed Nathan in the groin and grabbed the gun. He howled in pain and I managed to break the lock on the shed. From the noise outside I guessed someone had heard him. Once the door opened a light shined down towards us.
Nathan got up. "You're going to pay for that you stupid faggot." He reached out for me and I ran. Unfortunately, I was not fast enough and he tackled me to the ground. I landed badly on my leg and heard a crack.
"Jess!" Noah shouted and I saw him try to run to me. Joey was with him and they made their way down. Mom was right behind them.
"Stop. Don't come after us, he has a gun." I shouted and Nathan grabbed my arm and tried to claw the gun off me.
We wrestled on the ground and I fought as hard as I could to get control of the situation. Joey was holding Noah back who was screaming and mom was shouting for daddy and the cops. Nathan kneed me in the stomach and stomped on the leg that snapped.
Howling in pain I turned on the ground and kneed him in the groin again. Hopping up, but falling on my arm. Again, I heard a loud crack, I caught the gun in my other hand and held it on Nathan, who was on the ground again started shouting.
"Fuck you faggot." His voice was louder than I had anticipated and I cringed at the sound.
"Fucking faggot. I thought you wanted to die. You begged me to kill you and now you're fighting to live. Fuck you!"
"Shut the fuck up Nathan. Just shut the fuck up. You stupid bastard. You have no right to speak to me like that."
"You wanted to die you fucking faggot." Nathan leered.
Noah cried when Nathan had finished. Mom was looking at me with a frown. Their hearts were broken though, I could see that etched on their faces. Nathan was shouting profanities and jumped me again.
Suddenly, gun shots went off and I stilled. Everything slowed and I found myself struggling to breathe. Nathan collapsed on top of me and someone screamed from a distance.
As more time passed someone must have given the go ahead because cops moved forward and Nathan's body was taken off me. His blood mixed with mine as I started to sit up. Noah raced over and hugged me to his chest. Mom and daddy close behind him.
"Oh baby, you scared us. Baby I love you. I love you so much." He repeated he loved me over and over again.
"What did Nathan mean? You begged him to kill you?" Mom asked me quietly. She was on my other side cradling me in her arms.
Noah and daddy looked at me, willing me to answer. "He... He told me that Noah and he slept together before we got together... That... That Noah had begged him to sleep with him again. That he wanted to be with Noah." My voice was hoarse.
"What convinced you I hadn't baby? Although, I'm glad you did." He added through his tears. I smiled sadly at him.
"He had a voice recording of what was supposed to be you and him. But it was actually us. He recorded us Wednesday..." I took a deep breath and continued. "I could hear us on the recording, it was definitely not Nathan."
Mom looked confused and Noah blushed but he couldn't hide the smile on his face. He looked at me and kissed me on the lips.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry I doubted you and I'm sorry I begged to die." I finally broke down and they held me as I cried. People looked on as we held each other and cried.
"It's okay Jesse. We understand how hard it would have been to hear all that. I guess he was... Well it's kind of obvious what he was going to do." I looked down and saw that daddy was right, I was naked from the waist down.
Daddy took his jacket off and wrapped it around my waist. He kissed the top of my head and patted my back. Mom looked at us, hugging me tighter as she did. Her face was tear stained and her eyes red.
Alex, Joey and Ricky appeared with Mr. Begly a while later ,and they all waited with us until the ambulance for me arrived. I was strapped to the stretcher and my leg and arm were checked, both presumed broken.
Before, they got me into the ambulance I had fallen asleep. It was better than the last time though because the final words I heard before I drifted off were.
"I love you Jess. I will be here with you, forever and always."