I've got no business praying
I'm finished being good
Now I can finally be okay in not the way I thought I should
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The scar-faced man holds my hand and walks me home.
"What's your name?" he asks.
"My sister calls me Powder. But it's not my name."
"What is, then?"
Why did you leave me?
"Jinx," I say.
Some of his allies have scattered, and some are walking behind and in front of us. The streets are empty otherwise. Everyone will have seen my monkey bomb and they probably got scared.
"What's your name?" I ask.
"Silco."
It's familiar. I know Vander didn't like him. And I know he's the one who started everything tonight. But I'm the one who ended everything, so I don't mind holding his hand.
When we get to the Last Drop, his friends have the door open, and Silco comes to the water pump with me and helps me wash my face. There's a bruise forming on my cheek.
"Get some sleep," he says.
I watch the direction his foot turns and I grab his wrist. "Wait."
"Yes?"
"Don't leave. Stay here."
His eyes move to my hands. "Get some sleep. I'll see you in the morning."
It's vague. I don't like vague. But I don't want to run him off, so I go to our room and close the door and fall into bed.
The next time I perceive anything, it's a trickle of dirty light from the stairs, and then it's Silco's voice talking to someone else's.
I sneak up and peek. It's morning, and I see him, so he kept his word. The other person is Vander's friend Sevika, whose shoulder is covered in bandages because she doesn't have an arm. It's probably because of my bomb.
"It's a fine place to operate from," Silco is saying.
"Yeah. Sure. But you can't be serious about the girl."
"She's extremely bright. She could prove invaluable."
"She's a child."
Silco turns around and starts poking through the bottles behind the bar. "And so, she cannot survive on her own."
"Keeping her alive will involve more than feeding her and giving her a bed. Children need to be cared for."
"Then I shall care for her."
"You?"
"Is there a problem?"
Sevika's quiet for a second. "No."
"Then it's settled. Deliver the message and bring back anyone who's not accounted for."
I wait until the door closes behind Sevika to come out. Silco whirls around, snatching up a blade, but relaxes when he sees me.
"Clever girl," he says. "How do you feel about the proposed arrangement?"
I'm speechless with relief until something flashes in the corner of my eye. I don't know what it is, but it's pink, and suddenly I feel like fainting. "Violet."
"Violet? Is that the sister?"
I nod. "I have to find her. Do you know where she went? Did anybody see her?"
"Not that I know of." He tilts his head to the side. "She abandoned you, did she not? Why do you want to find her?"
I sit down on the floor, feeling tears on my face. "Maybe she changed her mind."
It takes him a long time to respond. "I'll put together a quick search," he says. "Try to calm down. Take a bath, perhaps."
I do it because I have nothing else to do, and then I go work on a monkey bomb, but it's hard because I'm crying and I can't see or breathe. My cheekbone throbs. Vander is dead. Claggor is dead. Mylo is dead. It's all on fire.
I only wanted to help. Vi has to know I only wanted to help. But I still did it. Why did I do that? What's wrong with me? I know the answer, it's because I'm a jinx, but she hates me, my sister hates me, I remember how she looked, but I need her I need her I need her I need her I need her I need her I need her—
"We found nothing."
I look up.
"I feel it's safe to assume she was killed by rubble as the building further collapsed, or she succumbed to her injuries," Silco says. "I'm sorry."
"No."
"I'm sorry, Jinx," he says, and the name is so ugly. I don't know why I gave it to him. My name is Powder. My name is Powder and Vi is my sister and Vander is my father and they love me and it's not real. "I don't think she would have wanted to hear from us in the first place, however."
"No."
"What you did," Silco says, "was an unfortunate accident. It was cruel, the way she treated you. Was it not?"
Why did you leave me?
Because you're a jinx! Do you hear me? Mylo was right.
"She was the only one you had left," says Silco. "Your only family, and she walked away. You were so frightened."
I throw my bomb down and hit my head with my fist.
We all have bad days. But we learn. And we stick together.
"It was a bad day," I say, stumbling on the words, clutching at my hair. "It was a bad day."
Silco kneels in front of me. "I don't know how she could have done such a thing. You were trying your best. She should have understood that. Even I could see it, and I was a stranger."
And she was my sister.
I scream. Silco stays where he is and waits until I lose my voice.
"It's okay," he says. "It hurts, but it's good, in a way, to know the truth. Don't you think? It gives you the space to find something better."
"I want Vi."
"I know. But she doesn't want you. You deserve a family who wants you, no matter what you do."
"I want Vi."
"You've been lied to for a long time," Silco says. "You have been lied to by the person you trusted the most. I know what that's like. Vander was my brother, and he lied to me and left me the same way Violet did you."
"No." I know Vander. He wouldn't leave his brother. But I thought Vi wouldn't leave her sister, and she did.
"It isn't fair, is it?" says Silco. "You should be able to depend on the people you love to tell you the truth, to protect you."
I wonder if Benzo lied too. I wonder if Mom and Dad lied. I wonder if Mylo and Claggor and Ekko lied. I wonder if any of them would have stayed.
"It's okay," Silco says again. "You were made for better things. For a better life. You can have that now, if you want it."
"With you?"
"With me. You can help me save the Undercity."
I want to save the Undercity. "It was a bad day."
He holds his hands out. "I understand that," he says. "I believe in you."
Slowly, I let go of my hair and put my hands in his. Something flashes in the corner of my eye again, pink first, then blue, but I ignore it. This is real.
"We'll show them," I say.
Silco smiles and pulls me to my feet. "Indeed, Jinx. We will."
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Intro lyrics from "Relative Fiction" by Julien Baker.
i would've taken Pow home and loved her forever and not manipulated her :,( gimme her right now she's mine