tw: mentions depression/ depressive behaviour, not eating
allys. the next day (monday).
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with my back facing james i woke up to the sound of the kettle boiling. but i was not ready to face the day yet.
i had this weird feeling, almost like a heavy feeling in my chest that made it hard to get out of bed. so i let the feeling win and just laid in bed. i didn't try to get up.
i felt really exhausted but i wasn't sure why. i felt a cold tear run down my cheek. why was i so sad? nothing had happened but for some reason i felt awfully sad.
i felt more tears run down my cheeks and i noticed my breath was getting shorter.
i instantly put my hand over my mouth to try and muffle my sobs. the fact that the kettle was boiling also helped.
i heard james roll over and wake up. i pretend to be alseep. not suspecting anything he got out of bed and walked out of the room.
on his way out he stopped at the door and stared at me. i tried my best to fake sleep. he still seemed to believe me and continued walking out of the room quitely shutting the door behind him.
when i heard a few steps outside the door i knew he had walked away.
i rolled into the middle of the bed and sobbed with my hand over my mouth trying to stop any sounds.
i pulled the blankets over my whole body and cried into the mattress until i ended up passing out.
when i woke up for the second time today, i didn't feel as sad but i had this feeling of numb sort of. like i couldn't feel... anything.
i still didn't want to get up. i just wanted to stay in the same position all day until the bed swallowed me whole.
eventually hours passed, i still hadn't moved. i had absolutely no reason nor motivation too.
i heard a knock on the door. i mumbled a "come in" and the door opened. i had my body facing the door and i can just imagine what my puffy eyes looked like.
it was james. he walked into the room and shut the door behind him.
"ally?" he asked in a quiet concerned tone. i don't know why but this triggered more tears. i saw his eyes go wide with shock, he walked over to where i was and engulfed me with a massive hug.
i tried to wrap my arms around him but they were dead.
he held me until my sobs grew quiet and i was simply just numb again. he sat on the bed next to were i was laying. "what's wrong?" he asked in a careful tone as not to upset me.
"nothings wrong james" i spoke while my voice broke. he just gave me a disappointed look."seriously im... fine" i said looking anywhere but at him."ally. i just want to help, you know that" he said taking my hand in his.
"i know. im fine." i said in a bit of an annoyed tone. there was some more silence. "i think..." i started to say but never finished.
"you think...?" james said, trying to get me to finish my sentence. "nothing" i said. "you can tell me" he said moving closer to me putting a hand on top of mine. "i know james, i just don't feel well" i sort of lied trying to plead with him. "okay..." he sighed and kissed my head.
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rest of the week was just... i don't know, a blur really. i slept for most of it. i had called in sick for work. i didn't leave the bed unless i had to go the bathroom or if i wanted a smoke. i barely ate.
i swear i had just gotten out of feeling like this. why had i taken 5 steps backwards. i could tell james was worried, he had every right to be but every time he would try to get me to leave the room or even just eat i would completely ignore him and the most annoying part i didn't even know why i treated him like that.
i love him so much. but something came over me. it feels like there is a weight on my chest every hour of the day stopping me from getting up and i feel so tried but i can't sleep. i don't understand.
i hated this feeling but also i didn't want to do anything to stop it. it felt sort of comfortable like if i don't leave the room then nothing bad can happen right.
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