Serge:
High with exhilaration drifting through my skin, I take another hit of crushed pills and lift the paper to my nose, snorting it.
I'm alone in my room doing absolutely nothing but trying to feel something. I'm done with myself and I can't take anymore of everything. I don't know how to cope with all my emotions and I'm afraid that I'm already damaged once I pass it. It's difficult to feel happy, and though I just want to smile it all off, its fakeness still seems so condescending. It's hard, and I can't do anything but learn how to deal with it on my own.
My head is spinning and I am feeling lost in every sort of euphoria. It's already morning, and I decided to not go to school. I'm still marked with what just happened yesterday, and the memory of it is fresh in my mind. I can't forget it. Even as I try to do drugs, I still can't because I'm too fucking weak. I'm hiding away from now until the school consults my mom about what happened, and I'm sure that I'll be taking unfathomable questions whenever she does. I'm just looking for a mentality from every sense I can currently counter.
My room is locked, away from everything and everyone, and I'm stuck in the middle of my hall, sitting right on the floor and getting myself high from narcotics. It's pathetic, I know, yet I can't really bring myself to care since I'm wasted as fuck.
My vision is ringing and I'm feeling dosed from reality. The shadows from my surroundings move, and my head is pounding with pleasure.
A text from my laptop pings my ears, and I try not to mind it, yet I can't.
I stood from where I was seated, trying to maintain balance and keep my body in the right posture. I stumble nearly three times before I get to bed, and when I do, my face hits the mattress and I'm back to feeling hazy all over again.
My eyes close from where I am, feeling tired and not caring if I look ridiculous at all. I can't even bring myself to move anymore since my mind is pushing me to sleep. The alert is probably not important anyway, so it's better if I take a hit now first since I haven't slept all night long.
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My head pounds when I wake up and my ears are welcomed with calls from Haley. I feel like I've taken a nap for about 10 minutes, yet when I check the time, it's already 1:00. My body feels weak from every meal that I've been missing, and my heart is pounding so hard that it could burst out of my chest. I feel like I'm struck with electricity from sudden pains, yet I still try to keep it together and reach for my phone.
My eyes graze on her contact and linger on the message she sent.
"Have you watched the latest video on Highspeed?" She texts.
Highspeed is like a dark secret site from our school where students are the only ones who have access. They post their nudes or whatever they want on there, which will almost certainly land them in jail for legal reasons. I find it really disturbing. Like a fucked up idea highschoolers get that shouldn't even be publicized. Posting about your crimes is bad enough, but creating a private site where innocent minds can wander is even worse. It's sad that they haven't been busted for their actions, and how it has been going on for seven years now is truly confusing.
I haven't checked any of it. Honestly, I doubt I'll ever have since, as I said, students have been complaining about how bad it is for years. I may be curious and all, but I still have common sense to avoid doing stupid things like that. However, Haley, on the other hand, is probably different since it's obvious that she's updated from the stories there. We even talked about how the site shouldn't even exist, yet here she is asking me to watch one of the videos. Though, I doubt that she didn't hear it somewhere else, if it is really a big deal. If there is a scandal in our school, then people will definitely be nosy and talk about it.
Opening my laptop, I tried to power my screen and I couldn't help but feel surprised as a link had already been sent through my insta. It's not Haley, though. It's from Hogan himself. I opened his message and clicked the link to see what it was. My brows furrow when it leads me directly into a solo video, not even on the Highspeed site, and I settle myself into deciding if I should watch it or not.
I play the video, not knowing what it is about, and am shocked when I see Hogan displayed on screen. He's seemingly tied behind a chair and looking confused. Seconds later, a girl starts walking towards her, high in latex and trailing her way towards Hogan. My mind is beating so loudly and my body shivers with nervousness as to what's about to go down.
The girl starts kissing him and his body, making me more infuriated. I can't bear to watch it even if I have the strength to, though I need to see what it is about before I can raise my assumptions. She tears open Hogan's clothes and pulls his pants down, revealing his full nakedness.
My eyes were drawn to his exposed state and I tried not to squirm with every heavy feeling I could feel. He's being seduced into something and molested just because of something I did. I doubt he even gave his consent to them. I'm breaking into shattered pieces, and my skin crawls with unsettlement as the video progresses. It shouldn't have gone to this, and seeing him in this state breaks my heart, especially since he's unconscious of what they're doing. I feel like puking, honestly.
The sight of the girl and him makes me sick to my stomach. She then strokes his dick and applies something to it, making it hard seconds later, though it doesn't stay up long. My mind baffles on continuing and my eyes shut while I hear the noise they are making. The girl sits on him without even using any contraception and my stomach feels sick with the sight. I quickly close my laptop, not bothering to end the video, and rush to the bathroom.
My body feels weak and my stomach is acting up from skipping my meals. I immediately open my mouth, feeling the taste of disturbance escaping my lips as my head wraps around everything I just saw. It shouldn't have led to that, though all I could do was sit and watch the cruelty of its temptation. His body looks vulnerable with every touch she gives, and my heart feels like it has been stabbed from seeing it.
Being with Hogan has just now been proven to be a horrid idea, and though I would want nothing more in the world but to have him, everything will just push us into something like this. Nothing has come good from being with him, and people will do everything to break us apart. I can't afford to let Hogan be broken down with how people think of me. He deserves more, and if we continue, nothing will ever stop. Happiness comes in different ways, and right now, it feels more than easy to resist.
My head jerks back after I finished letting my disgust state out, and my eyes begin to water with every thought of how he must've felt. He had no sense of what was happening yet, yet they still took advantage of him. I've felt that before, and I can't bear for Hogan to feel the same. We're a mess and crooked now. It may have been the happiest time being with him, yet this has come to something more unfathomable. I can't handle seeing him being taken away just because he's with me.
I pick up my pace once again and stand where I was seated. I then head out of my room and through the door to head to somewhere I know I can let my emotions out. Emotions that I need to be done with.
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Biking my way through trees of undecided greens, I make my way to the woods and stop once I reach a clear, beautiful lake.
The sight is picturesque, and the water looks fluorescent from the sun's light. It calms my veins from trailing my gaze to it, and the feeling of quietness deafens my ears.
I want nothing more than to feel lighter than what I'm feeling now and to let everything out of my heart. I took a step closer to the edge, feeling high from everything I'd been taking and allowing my mind to wander to my surroundings. The leaves bring easiness to my mind, and the flowers blooming send a chill through me. I feel lost in a reality where all that is left is beauty. I want to feel every sense of what I need to. Between the lake and my body, I felt warm.
I spread my hands in the air, taking in the heavy breeze that's lighting my body as I let my feet graze the ground's edge and fall into the lake.
My body takes the coldness of the water, and my heart feels free from everything. I wish I could just drown myself in the feeling of happiness and lie away from deception.
My lips form into a smile even as I'm underwater and my head tilts up, looking straight at the light. I felt my feet lifting me, craving for air as I gently rose from the water and brought my head up from the clearness of it.
My mind feels lighter from everything and I sense calmness in my skin. I'm also feeling more warmth and my head is back to creating normal thoughts again. I didn't even mind how soaked my clothes were. I just continued to swim in the water and let my head loose from everything else.
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A few minutes pass and my body already feels done with the coldness. The wind is grazing my wet skin, and I bring myself up to dry while setting my body in a sitting position at the edge.
My gaze trails on the beauty of my surroundings and I feel compelled by the sights of posterity raging before my eyes.
I want to break free and just escape from the world. I don't even mind if I leave everything behind me and start the way I wanted to. It feels less suffocating, even if life is hard enough itself. Nothing compares to it, and as I try to proceed with what's happening in the reality I hold, everything seems fake to me. I crave the emptiness within me and want nothing more but to just feel numb, yet I can't.
I can't help but to blow everything I have into its wrongness. I'm the reason why I feel this way and the only reason I have to blame. I should've known the cost of every fragile price that I wanted to have. I should've avoided it before it was too late and forced myself to resist its temptation. I shouldn't have let Hogan get caught up in everything I do. I feel so toxic and ashamed of how I could make other people feel and I want nothing more but to just die, wanting the afterlife to be less painful than it is now.
With all kinds of emotions raging through my skin, I collide my tears with the winds and rise from my seat to scream my lungs out. My voice feels deep and ragged from the swimming, and though I may have been heard throughout the forest, I still continue to bring what I'm feeling out of my skin.
I could hear the echos my voice brought and my heart felt happiness from letting it all out. I may look overdramatic from what I'm doing, but I just can't bring myself to care and just let my emotions fall through, flowing in the air. The afternoon falls and the beauty of its madness fills the woods. It's breathtaking, and I feel less reckless. I want to stay in here longer and drown my feelings out as I let go of one more scream. A scream that lets go of everything that I'm feeling and the name of the person I wish nothing more but to hold next to me.
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The night falls through the thin air, and I leave the woods before the sun settles. I didn't even mind that my sweat was drying off my wet skin; I just kept pedaling my bike, letting out my frustration with the shadow that I cast as I raced through the empty streets. I also stopped at a store to buy snacks and continue to where I'm headed.
The silence speaks through volume in my ears, and I let myself feel every bit of the coldness of the sultry winds.
My feet stop pedalling my bike once I reach the bridge, and my heart screams with ache as the memory of Hogan beats my mind again.
The lingering ghost of him stays in the very spot where we used to sit and my heart craves his breath next to me, sitting on the edge of these rails.
I lay my bike down on the road, far enough from upcoming vehicles, and sit myself on the corner of the bridge.
My heart peaks with melancholy at the sight of the full city and emptiness sitting next to me. It shouldn't even mean anything to me, yet every trace of him falls to the marks of his body. I've dealt with a year without having him, and now that he's gone, I can't bear but to miss him. He's not dead, I know that, but right now, I have no option but to let him go before everything goes out of hand. It could damage both of us, and I know I'll be the one who'll be more wrecked by what comes out of it. Having him was a dream and it should stay as such. I'm just happy I got to feel what it's like to achieve a dream that I wished to have even before. He was my everything for a limited time, yet now I'm just an exile seeking to get away from what we had.
My heart breaks as tears rain on my skin again. I really should stop crying now since I'm sure I have cried about eight times already this day, yet I can't really help but feel shattered and let my vulnerability search through my mind.
My gaze shifts to the bag of food that I just bought, and I feel more at ease as I grab a can of beer from a container.
I just want to shoot everything I have in my thoughts and let my burning town drown with the draught of fire I've brought upon it. I'm lost right now and I know it could probably make everything more complicated, but I really want nothing more than to be wasted at the moment.
Opening a can of beer with my hand, I let my lips touch the liquid with its taste and let the tightness of reality crawl through the depths of my aching feelings again. The depths that keep pushing me away from the man I love.