Hogan:
Crowded with unrest prickling at my skin, I try to bring my body and hold Serge, letting him cry into me.
The news of what happened went by so fast. I was at lunch waiting for Serge to come and eating under a tree to pass time easily. He didn't even come when I waited, and even though I wanted to feel disappointed about it, my mind can only try to be patient with what he's feeling. He needs to be guided right now and doing something as shocking as hitting someone in the face is definitely not what Serge normally does.
He feels so done when I hug him and his body melts into numbness at my touch. I want to comfort him. Be with him even at his lowest. But if he's not trying to take anything from me at all, I doubt I'll bother to give him more. I know he feels wrecked and I know how bad everything creeps on him, but right now it looks like he's only ruining himself and I can't bear to be the one who'll stand by and watch it all unfold.
"It's fine, Serge. It's fine." I say, trying to comfort him.
I bring my hand up to brush his hair and hold him firmly. His eyes hadn't stopped watering and his body was trembling like crazy. My mind is baffled by how bad it must've been for him to react this way. I doubt that it has something to do with Yuri because I could tell from the torn drawings on the desk that he's the one who started it. It was my drawings that were parted, which I just realized because of the outlines of his face on the paper. It must have something to do with it. If he wants, I could easily draw him millions of them, and I wouldn't bother going out of my way to make more good memories with him.
"I'm sorry, Hogan. Again." He says, while burying his face on my shoulder.
I hugged him tighter while shaking my head subtly. "No, Serge. You don't have to feel sorry. You didn't mean to do it." I reply.
I know how much he thinks that I'm probably going to feel done with him sooner because of what he's currently feeling, though I still can't bring my head to think that I'll ever lose him. I'll wait even if it means that I have to deal with this every day because, honestly, every part of him matters to me and I'll try to make him feel like he matters too.
"You don't understand, Hogan. I'm fucking messed up." He says this as he moves away from my grip. "I don't even know if I didn't mean any of what I did. I just felt so tired of everything and I thought hitting him would solve it. Yet, I feel fucking so worse, Hogan. " He continues to look me in the eyes. "Do you know how much I wish others would just look at me the way I thought I deserved? It's not like. It's not fucking like that at all."
My heart drowns with mellowness from thinking that he ever felt that way. I don't ever want him to feel that it matters what people think about him, though it sometimes does, but I still wish he'd only look into what I feel about him. And what I feel about him is true, and not even others can dictate that. He's Serge, and even if he keeps pushing me away from him, I'll keep coming back to every scented memory of him. Because I love Serge.
He slumps in a chair and brings his hand to his face. My mind swirls into hoping he'll feel more rather than be sorry for himself as I try to move from behind him and trail my hand around his neck.
"I'm just so tired now, Hogan." He says.
My hands take his hands off his face before looking at him again and walking in front of him, bringing my forehead to his. "I know, Serge. Just don't let their words change the way you are. I love you no matter what. Always remember that."
He looks at me, straight in my eyes, with such intensity that makes me feel weaker every time, and I bring my hand up to his cheeks, gently wiping off his tears before bringing my lips to his. He feels so soft and raw, and I doubt I'll ever feel any more different from how he makes me whenever we kiss. It was slow yet affectionate and my heart burst with hope from feeling him.
It didn't last long since he immediately cuts the kiss off, looking at me shocked, and stands where he's seated. "Uh....you need to go to your class now, Hogan." He says, while biting his swollen bottom lip. "I'll just stay here to wait for Mr. Crawford. Okay?"
He proceeds to walk at a fast pace back and forth in the room, and my mind puzzles as to what just happened. Why did he cut off our kiss and look at me differently? It shouldn't even matter yet, but my heart breaks from seeing his gestures change into instant fear when we finish. I just try to take a look at my phone to check the time before I take my bag with me and walk to the door. I say goodbye to him, hoping he'll come and hold me again, though he didn't even bother to look at me and continued to walk panicked in the room.
********************
The day went by and I still hadn't gotten any updates from Serge. I texted him several times, asking if he wanted to hang out since it's probably better than asking if he's okay. He wouldn't even bother to read them, which infuriates me, though I want to let him have his space. The room feels so empty without his ghost lingering with my demons, and my heart craves for every touch he could give me. I thought we could just live the way we feel without anything bad happening to ruin it, but here we are. It sucks because this will probably be how everything will go if we continue to drown ourselves in one another. It's suffocating, though my air only works when it's from him.
My eyes continue to keep their gaze on the ceiling, staring at it while I hopelessly wait for a ring to hit my ear. I'm only lost with the plainness of the painted scene and my head hurts from thinking that I could've done better, so I wouldn't lose him.
Zzzz
ring from my phone finally echos through me, and my hand instantly reaches for it beside my body and presses answer on its screen unconsciously. I try to wait for the breath of an angel that I've been waiting for all afternoon. However, only one voice panels through the line.
"Hogan," Bre says in a whispered tone, almost breaking.
My body bolts with curiosity from her nervous tone, and I try my best to not feel anything about it since I don't want to be a victim of their cruelty again.
Her voice seems shaky, and heavy breath fills my ears. My brow furrows, seeking an explanation for what's happening and begs for her reason. "What's wrong?" I ask.
She only gives subtle whimpers to the line and wipes her nose from the stutters of her words, an indication that she might've been crying.
"Could you just go here?" She starts. "21 Norman St. I'm at my friend's house right now. Please, Hogan. I need you."
She cuts the call abruptly with a pleading tone, and I could feel her breath burning on my skin.
Conflict boils through my body again; if I should go to her or just let another one of what might be a series of tricks slide.
It bothers me how my heart still prickles with concern from hearing her voice, yet my mind won't let me feel any sympathy towards her.
She's the reason why Serge feels that he's not important to me. She's gone out of her way to make our relationship miserable, and I couldn't bear to let it crumple into mere pieces because of how idiotic I have been. I tried. I really tried to be at least friends with her, yet she only reached for more. I don't know what I'm supposed to do and what I need to keep in mind. I could just try and see what more she can do and what's happening with her. What if it could actually be true and something had happened to her? What if I'll regret it if I don't follow what she's saying? What if... everything about this leads back to Serge and they have done something to him again? It's all filled with what ifs, and I feel haunted with the responsibility of deciding what to do.
My mind is just so messed up with everything and my heart mourns with difficulty. Just fuck it, right? If they have something to say again, it's better to just deal with it head on. Yeah, think of that again, Hogan, and you'll definitely be up for something worse. Damn it.
I get out of bed, grab my phone, and walk down the stairs to the front door. I try checking my phone again for a text from Serge and sigh when nothing has appeared on its screen.
I open my car door and reach into my pocket for my keys before pressing the gas pedal and driving to where Bre said she was.
21 Norman St.
----------------
I was feeling all sorts of panic the whole car ride, and even as I stopped in front of the house, my heart was still not settled with certainty.
The place is unfamiliar, yet it doesn't seem dangerous at all. The house is surrounded by picket fences, and the neighborhood looks decent. It doesn't look as bad as I thought it would be, or so I hope. I just need to get this over with and know what really is up with Bre. That's it.
Opening my car door, I step out of the vehicle, and make my way to the entrance of the house. I knock on it, hoping someone will open it, and my eyes fume when Collier is the one who answers.
"Hey, Hogan. Nice seeing you again." He says.
My mind threatened to just walk away by then, yet I tried to be patient. "Where's Bre?" I asks.
He raises one of his eyebrows at me, seemingly confused, and looks at me. "Why? Bre's not here."
The hairs on my skin rise from the annoyance rattling within me, and I can't help but hide my anger, though it still shows in my words. "I'm not playing right now, Collier. Where's Bre?" I asked again.
He sighs before looking at me. "I told you she's not here. Why don't you come inside for now, and I'll call her for you." He replies.
My hands crosses stubbornly on my chest, as I narrow my eyes to him. "I could call her myself. Don't even try." I warn.
"I don't really know since she specifically said to me that she wouldn't answer anyone other than my phone. But hey, I'll be happy for you to not join us in here anyway," he shrugs and closes the door. But I managed to stop him from closing in front of me and take out my phone.
My finger lingers at her number, and I wait until she answers my call. Collier looks at me with a chill face, which angers me even more as my gaze focuses on him. The phone rings. However, no one answers my call. I tried five more times, hoping she'd pick up, yet she didn't.
"I'm telling you, man. She won't answer you."
I huff a breath as her phone rings for the seventh time and consider my options. If something really bad actually happens to her, then her call probably meant something. She seems scared during that, and even though I hate her and the guy in front of me so much, I don't ever want to feel guilty, knowing she needed me.
"Fine." I say and Collier invites me inside of the house.
There are five guys sitting in the kitchen, casually talking, and I take a seat next to a guy with glasses. They don't seem harmless at all, and I couldn't help but notice that I actually haven't met any of them from school.
"Hey," the guy with glasses greets me.
My heart slightly warms from hearing the friendly tone of his words, and I hold out my hand. "Hi," I start. I then try to examine him and continue to ask him what I have in mind. "Do you go to Feral High?"
He gives me a sweet smile, staring at me with such intensity that it pierces through my body. "Uh... No. I stopped going there for two years now that I've been working." He replies while scratching the back of his neck.
My thoughts are drawn to his endearing gesture, and my lips begin to form a smile. I could see his cheeks redden from my stare, and I turn away from him, feeling slightly sheepish about how I'm acting. "Um.....Why are you here for again?" I asked, hoping I didn't imply any passiveness in my tone, even though I am awfully curious.
"This is where I live. Collier is my brother." He answers.
My brows raises from hearing his words, and I couldn't help the wide grin that escapes me since they look nothing alike. "What." I say surprised. "No, you're not. I didn't know he had a brother."
He stares at me while a chuckle slips from him and bites his lip. "Well, you do now."
My gaze lingers on his mouth. However, I immediately move my eyes away from him to not fall into any more temptation and focus on Collier again, who's now on his phone.
"Do you want any drinks? I'm sorry I didn't asked." The boy says, drawing my attention to him.
I nod to his offer and wait as he stands up from his chair. He returns with a drink in hand, giving it to me, and I take it while smiling back at him. "Thank you."
My eyes then trail once again to the man I'd originally come here for and I take a sip of my drink, with the taste of bitterness crushing into my lips.
---------------
Minutes have passed and I'm still stuck where I'm seated, waiting for Bre. I managed to clear my mind and continue talking with the guy next to me, yet seconds passed and my head began to hurt and my vision blurred in front of me. It's like I've been dragged into a different world and everything is spinning around me. I waited for Collier to enlighten me with any news from Bre, but he didn't have any. I also tried to leave the house immediately to clear my head, but my body still feels weak and numb from everything.
I stood where I was seated, hoping to regain my balance as my feet touched the floor. I hear murmurs and laughs around me, and my brain seeks out every bit of familiarity it can get. I'm stuck and I can't think of any sign of what I'm feeling. I turn to my right to see the guys sitting in the chairs, yet they only look at me like I'm insane.
"What's wrong?" Collier says, holding me up from where I'm standing.
My eyes narrowed at him, squinting, hoping I could get a better view of his face. "What did you-" My gaze immediately takes in my empty cup on the table and the grin that spaces the glassed-boy's lips. "Did you put anything in my drink?" I say, feeling nervousness in my skin. However, my words only come out in a plain tone.
He chuckles lightly and places his hand on my shoulders. "Come on. You've had enough." He says, guiding me at a walking pace.
My body immediately tried to break from his grip and push him off, yet I could only manage to get a light movement from him. "I'm not drunk."
He continues to chuckle at my words, and my mind screams with frustration from what he's doing. "Of course you're not." He replies, moving closer to my ear, whispering.
My body jolts from surprise as I feel his tongue licking my lobe, and I can't help but feel disgusted by his certainty. "A cup of tea wouldn't have brought you to feeling dizzy, right?"
I feel my feet walking down, seemingly on the stairs, as sudden darkness takes ahold of my gaze.
My body weakens even more with every second that goes by, and my mind begins to threaten to push me out of my consciousness. I feel like I'm out of energy and my fuse has gone out. I hate that I'm letting my body be consumed by its strength. I'm drawn to hopelessness and struck out of my vitality.
My hands wrap from behind me, being tied in a chair, and my head burns, feeling lost from all the movements in my peripheral. I can't even bring myself to make out anything at all and I feel like I'm only trying to keep my eyes open for as long as I can.
From a dark silhouette, dances of swirls crowd my vision. The movement feels delicate as my mind lets me perceive it and gets closer to me. Her hands start roaming my body and tear open my shirt. I feel sad all of a sudden since it's a good shirt, though that's probably my least worry right now.
My eyes grow heavy with every touch she gives me and I try my best to keep them open. Although, I fail as my gaze shuts.
"Hogan," I hear the girl say.
Her voice is seductive and warm near my neck, and my heart breaks with feeling lost in a bliss of unfortunate reality. I feel her lips gently brushing against my skin, kissing my rawness as I hear a click, playing from in front of me, being the last thing that flashes to my ears.