Serge:
The bullying didn't stop. In fact, it's only gotten worse. There are days when all I hear is their laughter booming in my face and their voices crippling my head. How they look at us with grins spread across their faces while whispering things behind closed doors. The way when they passed us, all they show me is the memory of that night and how naive I was to fall into their trap. Gossips spread, but if you're the only topic for a few days, you'll find it difficult to deal with everything.
I couldn't blame anyone because I know it's my fault for not saying anything earlier. I should've known that their kindness would lead to something more traumatic than fake smiles. I can only laugh at how messed up it all is, even though my heart aches to lean on its weakness again.
It leads me all the way back to how hard it was to go to school back then when I was all alone. The weeks of me trying to get away from the nightmare of how cruel others can be and how they always end up following me into my consciousness. The words they've said push me to an insecurity I never even wished to have. I could be perfect, but still, there will always be a flaw that will be exposed over time.
It's all the same as last year. The year I was outed and the year that my dad died, though only one thing came out to be good from those two. I thought it'd be better for me to feel lighter for the man. I've wished hell with my life to just die. The memories I have with him are the only memories that I knew would stay with me my whole life. It wasn't enough that my mom kicked him out when I was thirteen due to infidelity since the damage had been done. The nights when he'd pull me out of my room into theirs had me sobbing, hoping it would stop.
Last year was also the year when I started cutting myself. The bullying was worse back then. However, it was still the same hurt that pierces through me now. I'd stay in my room all day, hoping all of it would stop and praying that I could just not feel anything at all. I'd push anyone near me away because I couldn't bear seeing them feel sorry for what I was going through at the time, if anyone was even concerned about how I was feeling. I'd stay up all night and overthink to try and cope with it all and cry myself to sleep. Hogan wasn't in the picture since that was the time when Bre and him got together.
They were all over each other every minute of the day. They were the hot couple. The ones the school used to talk about all the time. Meanwhile, I was right behind them, looking and begging for the attention he used to give me, but all I could get then was a hi whenever we passed each other.
"Fuck."
I groan once my phone alarm rings.
I didn't sleep last night again, though I doubt if I even can. It's already been a week since the party, and it's also been a week of me just trying to push myself to sleep, yet my mind wouldn't let my body. But even with all the bullying, I still wouldn't let myself stay home and skip school. I know how my mom will talk to me about it given my depressive state, and I don't ever want her to raise suspicion again as to what's going on with me. I'll just try to stay away from it for a couple more days and wait for the gossip to die out.
My feet walk themselves to the shower to quickly rinse off my body, but when I step into the bath, my skin immediately melts from its coldness and I fall to the floor while a torrent of crestfallen water draws into me. My hands wrap around my knees and my head jerks back while tears stream down my cheek.
I like acting like an overdramatic person whenever I get in the shower since it's still the only place where I can express my emotions properly. My tears collide with every drop of water that pours down on me, streaming away my hurt with it. I'm numb and I'm exhausted. All I want to feel content, yet all I ever do is cry. I know how weak I've become and how tired I am of myself, but that's all I can ever see because I'm too afraid of what comes with me.
My eyes close, blurring away my reasons, but even with my eyes shut, all I think about are all their words. I'm too damaged right now, and a hopeless smile escapes me while getting pierced with every memory that creeps at me. Honestly, why can't I just let myself be happy for once?
I thought being with Hogan would erase me of all those thoughts. Yet it didn't change anything inside me. I feel like a wreck, and that's all I will ever feel if I continue to be sorry for myself.
My eyes open once again from how long I've been sulking in the shower and my body burns with a lingering feeling of coldness slamming into my skin.
I stand up from the floor, completely dazed as I wash myself off quickly and turn the shower off before leaving the bathroom. My room is quiet without the scent of Hogan persisting in every bit of it. It's pathetic given how badly I want him near me during these times, though I still keep pushing him away from me.
I then wipe my body dry and dress myself with a normal hoodie before heading out the door. The winds were heavy and the road was deafening when I went out.
It's a couple minutes left before I come crashing into my demise again. However, there's still a couple minutes more, so I can deal with every single wall on my own.
********************
Hogan was waiting for me near the school's entrance when I arrived, even though I specifically asked him not to. It's foolish that whenever I look at him, I seem to feel happier, but then when I'm alone, I can't seem to keep that happiness to myself.
His hands immediately take mine, which lightens my feelings a little bit, yet my heart still sparks with nervousness as we enter the school.
"Are you sure you want to go to class? I mean...we could just skip it and go to my house, if you want to." He offers, while looking me in the eyes.
I give him a subtle smile because, honestly, I'm thankful that he's still being patient with my bullshit even though I keep telling myself that I don't need anyone.
I didn't bother to give him an answer since I can't bear to break myself again and not face all of it head on. I know it'll end sooner or later, I just need to be strong enough to face it for now. And I can't really handle being alone with him because I don't want to look at him worrying about me all over again and I don't ever want him to think that it's his responsibility to take care of me. I just lay my head low while passing through the school and bring my other hand to my backpack, holding it.
The voices and noises blur in my head as we pass by, and my head hurts as I try to make out their words. I feel like I'm going insane and just making up the voices even though they seem clear to me. There are always people talking from wherever I am, though I've never thought any of it was about me until now. It shouldn't even be a big topic, especially how it went on for a week. Some of it is about Hogan too, and how I've infected him with being gay. I feel like I'm drowning and they make me feel like I need to be disgusted with myself.
Hogan was popular before he had me, or that was just what people had been saying. He was such a hot pick for Bre, and they couldn't believe that he's now going out with me. Some even tried saying it right in my face and pushing their past with her. How Hogan handles it all irritates me because I want to feel the same way.
We separate once I'm in my first class. The walk was quite short, though it felt like eternity. My eyes roam to look inside the room before I settle myself to walk in.
People begin to stop their gossiping when they see me, and I couldn't help but be curious as to why, even though I'm sure that I know what they're talking about. I just try to block it all out by laying my head with my hands crossed on the desk. However, their whispers still peek through me.
I try to close my eyes during class to sleep, but the teacher is quick to notice it and even gives me an early detention.
I groan with irritation, feeling done with it all as I wait for the first subject to be over and for the day to just end itself already.
-------------
The day went by as long as I could imagine. Worst of all, it was only mid-afternoon. Hogan kept texting me in between classes trying to start conversations, yet I couldn't bring myself to feel interested in it. I simply turn off my phone and leave my last class of the morning before heading to detention. I didn't bother to eat anything when I was walking there, and I didn't try to meet Hogan first. I just want it to be over quickly already, so I can continue having fun again with my next classes. Fucking fantastic.
There were already two students there sitting when I walked to the door. I didn't know them that much, though I would've probably been in a class with the boy. The room was awfully quiet too, with our teacher in front, seemingly checking his class's papers.
I took a seat near the front with the guy next to me and tried to lean with my hand up, so that my teacher wouldn't scold me again for seemingly taking a nap.
The air was filled with boredom and my mind was stuck with different little thoughts circling it. I should probably try to keep my mind from thinking too much, but it just keeps coming back to me like hypnosis.
My eyes trail to look at the ceiling, staring at it and hoping to feel something. My heart hurts and my conscience won't let me speak to what I'm feeling. It only keeps me from feeling numb and tracks my weaknesses.
Hotness burns my ears as I hear voices coming towards the room. My mind begs, hoping it wouldn't be who I thought it would be, yet my gut feeling always proves to be the truth as I feel something poking at the back of my neck.
My veins burst into my skin as I see three guys from the football team, smirking at me as if they're going to do something devilish, which I assume they would. They seem to be having fun even though we're in detention. The teacher also scolds them for their loudness and I narrow my eyes at them, not bothering to look back at the front.
I barely know who they are since I don't really pay attention to our football team at all, though they're probably popular. One of them is Yuri, Bre's friend. The guy has had a problem with me ever since we started high school. I don't really know what ticked him off about me, but I can't say I don't feel the same about him. The worse thing is that all three of them sit behind me in different chairs and pulls off grin that easily makes me go over the edge.
I already had an awful morning and yet, here they are making it more agonizing. I hate it. I hate how they think it's fun. And I hate how weak I am, to not tell them to fuck off.
Time seems to not be on my side at all because as I wait for every minute to pass, the more encouraged they are to torture me.
My hands are fists, and my body is holding back its rage from dealing with them. Yuri's foot keeps shaking my chair, and he keeps reaching out to poke me from behind. He even tried to bring out a ruler to prod me in the ass while sitting. My body squirms with the feel of its sharpness, and I try to lean in my seat, moving away from it. They've also been throwing out crumpled papers at me with slurs and inappropriate stuff written on them, and my body fills with rage just from reading their words.
Another piece of paper lands on my desk again, and I try my best to not open it, yet my mind still seeks to see its dumbness. A note written in bold marker has spaced with the paper, and my heart draws with disgust and humiliation from dealing with their bullshit.
A large worded "BLOWJOB?" peeks its line, and I can't help but feel a wave of loathing wash over me as I return their stare. The teacher didn't even bother to say anything or look our way. He just keeps coming with checked papers and reading through his students' words.
The guys only give me a gesture with their hand in an O motion, pushing it to their mouths like sucking a dick, and my eyes narrow, feeling more rage flowing through me.
Yuri then takes ahold of my distraction and instantly pulls my bag away from my sides. My eyes fume, trying to immediately reach it, though he only moves it away further from me and smiles while looking through my things.
He takes one of my notebooks out of my bag and tears the papers in it in front of me. My hands tried to reach it again, hoping the teacher wouldn't notice, yet he kept moving away from me. blasts of rage that swept through me even more as he pulled out the sketching notebook Hogan had given me with his drawings in it.
He flips through the pages quickly and tears the paper while staring at me menacingly. My heart hurts from seeing every inch of his drawing die from its colours, and my body seeks revenge whilst curling my fingers together into a fist.
Finally, having enough, I stand from where I was seated, completely ignoring the teacher's command to sit down as I pull my bag away from his grip and throw in a strong punch to his cheek.
The quietness of the room crushes into the loud boom as his head hits the sharp side of the chair, and my heart pounds when he puts his hand up to his head with blood covering his fingers.
The teacher goes to us and the other students circle next to me as my eyes widen with nervousness. The teacher immediately stops Yuri from moving to his chair to strike back at me and makes him stand, looking at the wound.
"Shit." The teacher says, examining his head. "Do any of you have a towel?"
"Uh....here," the boy offers while the teacher immediately takes it and presses it against Yuri's head.
I could feel the other student's gaze on me, and I bit my lower lip to keep my guilt at bay. I fucked up. Again. And I didn't even expect it until the damage was already done. I let rage get to me, which resulted in bigger consequences than I thought it would. I feel like crying again and the voices in my head keep pushing me to act like the victim I thought I was.
"You guys can leave detention now, I'll just get Mr. Romanov to the nurse or maybe the ER." He says to the students before returning his gaze to mine. "Except you, Heffley. Stay here and wait for me." He continues and walks to the door.
The teacher left with the two football geeks with Yuri's side and the guy and the girl who came before me.
I'm stuck in the room, avoiding the eyes that are seeking me through the window, begging to know what happened. My heartbeat threatens to escape me as heavy breaths fall from my chest.
My eyes then roam to the chair again, trying to see what hit him, and my eyes shine with complicity as I see Hogan's torn drawings on his desk.
The broken faces he have drawn only lasts as the memory of an optic reality that was before. The lines have crashed and the colours seem to fade from being apart. My heart draws sharp from the wounds, a mere reason to blame myself even more as my head wraps around what I've just done.
I've never been that violent before since I mostly just reflect the hurt on myself. However, this time I didn't control any of it. I shouldn't have gone for it. Really. I could've just held it in me like I do every single time. It hurts, yet I can't really cry about it because it'll only make me seem as weak as I've been told I was.
My body molded again with uncertainty as I heard Hogan's voice coming towards me. I immediately move my body and look at him just in time before he comes crashing into me and hugs my body. My skin is frozen from his touch and my hand feels numb while I hold the shattered image of Hogan's remembrance in my grip.
Only a silent whimper escapes me, and tears begin to fall down my cheeks. I keep hoping that the feeling will leave me once and for all, though it only loathes my mind with more tragedy.
"I've fucking messed up."