Confusion, the inability to think as clearly or quickly as you normally do.
It's ironically confusing.
The idea of our minds being uncertain about something is one of the scariest things to experience. Because in any scary case, when your mind is certain and can think straight, the least you would have is self-trust. But when you can't even trust your own mind to save you, it could literally risk your life.
On the night of day 70, and for the first time in what had been a long time, I felt as if I couldn't trust myself.
The hard wood of the farm porch was starting to hurt my back, but the delightful breeze of the night and the never coming quiet of the open field made me numb to all feelings in my body.
Another nightmare had woke me up, but my wake thoughts had started becoming scarier than those that haunted me in my sleep.
The events of the day with Daryl had made me question everything. Most of all, my feelings towards him. Or what I assumed were feeling toward him.
The thing that confused me was, what those feelings were and what they meant, how they would affect me and what I should have done about them.
Scariest of it all, I recognized myself to be falling into the familiar rabbit hole that I had fallen in only once before Daryl.
Liam
The only man that I had loved in my life.
And the exact one that ruined my entire being.
Thank God ill never see him again. One of the many reasons I love the apocalypse.
As I kept my eyes on the clear sky, I heard the heavy yet calculated footsteps on who I assumed to be Daryl.
What is he doing up and out of bed?
"Why aren't you sleeping?" Daryl's voice disturbed the quiet, making me internally groan.
Did he have to come out and talk to me? I was enjoying myself.
"I'm sleeping. See," I close my eyes and lean back fully throwing my arms on either side of me, laying on the porch like a starfish with my legs hanging off the railing.
I felt Daryl's presence get closer to me as if he were crouching down beside my head.
I laid still until I felt a sting on my forehead that made me jump up.
He slapped me. He hit me. he physically hurt me.
I stood right Infront of him, trying my hardest not to let my emotions break through as I look at him dead in the eyes.
He simply stood there with his arms crossed, staring at me as if daring me to make another move.
I'm overreacting. I know I am. But I can't help it.
The dim light of the sky reflected onto his face giving me a clear view of the little details of his face. His grown-out stumble, the dark circles underneath his eyes, the tiny white scars all around his face, the red recent cut on the left side of his forehead, the dirt that had been unwashed for days.
He was slightly taller than me, not by much, but enough to intimidate me, especially when we were so close, our chests were almost touching, and I could feel the warmth of his breath fanning over my face.
"Your eyes," he said, confused. He had been examining my face, just as I had been doing to his.
Fear crept in me causing me to take a step back and look down.
How do I explain it to people? They won't believe me. what if he kills me. What if they think I'm infected.
My panic grew, even more, when I felt his hand roughly taking a hold of my jaw and making me face him again. He brought his face closer to mine, looking at my eyes instead of into them.
"Your eyes used to be brown. What the hell did you do?" He said while holding my jaw harder.
"What the hell did you do?!" he took a hold of my jaw, pushing my head harder into the wall.
"Nothing! I didn't do anything, Liam." I beg as I hold his wrist with my hands trying to push him away from me.
"Baby please you're hurting me" I whisper, closing my eyes and letting the tears fall until they pool at his fingers.
He nuzzles his nose into my hair and whispers into my ear, "You deserve it, my love"
I snapped out of It and pushed him away from me, before punching him in the jaw. He stumbled back and hit the wall of the white farmhouse, staring at me in shock before his eyes were quickly filled with rage.
Don't give him a chance to react.
I sunk my right hand into my pocket and flipped out one of my knives holding it against his neck, while my left hand pushed his shoulder back.
I stared at his eyes as I pushed my knife closer to his skin, giving him a feel of the cold blade. I brought my face close to his as he rose his head higher in an attempt to get away from my blade.
"Touch me again, and I swear, I will wear your carotid arteries as a necklace around my neck," I whispered my words as his eyes bore into mine. I plessed the blade into his neck and swipe it across the right side, right over his artery, breaking the skin and causing a little bit of bleeding. With that, I drop my hands and step back looking up at him to see him already looking at me. I took a few steps back before walking off the porch and into the open land of the farm to find a tree to sleep on for the night.
***
Day 71
The hot sun hit my body as I walked along the fence. I could see an old barn ahead of me, it looked abandoned and broken which led me to confusion.
Why would the family barn be abandoned?
My pack felt heavy on my back as I walked closer to the wooden barn, the quiet morning was quickly disturbed by the unsettling sound of the dead. Unsettling because it was coming from the barn. The same barn that was not too far away from where Rick's group was camping, the camp that had Carl, Glenn and Loris's, unborn baby.
Does Rick know about this?
I dropped my pack and ran towards the cracks of the barn, trying to peek inside quickly gaining the unwanted attention of our dead friends. Over time I had learned that they can hear and smell humans, so it was no surprise to me when they all huddled up on the other side of the wall and started clawing at the wood in an attempt to get a hold of me. The screeching sound of their nails grinding against the wood almost hurt my ears.
I dropped my pack onto the ground and I looked around the barn trying to find a way in without becoming lunch, and my only option seemed to be climbing onto the roof and finding an entrance that they couldn't reach.
And surprisingly I did. I was on top of the barn with my sword in hand when a voice stopped me from going in.
"Ella! Stop." I whip my head around to face a frantic Glenn running towards me.
He knows?
I looked back down to the pit of walkers under me there was nothing special about them, they were just like all the dead roaming the world.
Why would the Greene family keep them here?
I crouched down to get a better look at the aimlessly roaming walkers. I noticed that some of them looked to be deceased longer than others. You see, the longer they were dead, the more they rotted. One roamer, in particular, caught my attention, it was shorter than all the others, and it didn't seem to have been dead for too long.
"Ella gets down please!" I heard Glenn yell from the ground but I ignored him and started to knock on the wood of the roof getting all the walkers to halt and slowly move their necks to look up at me. And the terrifying sight of the little girl's face caused me to fall back on my butt and crawl away from the opening of the roof. In my panic I had not noticed that I had gotten so close to the edge and suddenly, unable to hold onto anything, I lost my balance and all at once, I was facing the bright blue sky, frozen in place as I felt my body fly through the air and hit the hard ground.
"Ouch"
***
"You're bleeding. And it's black" panicked Glenn as he stood still with his eyes wide staring at the knife in my thigh.
"oh don't worry I can't feel anything" I laughed trying to ignore the rising panic in me. My hunting knife had implanted itself deep in my left thigh at some point during my fall.
I have no idea how this could've happened; it took like one second to fall.
My head and back all hurt like hell, and I could barely move my leg as I felt it sore and every movement caused more pain.
"Why are you out here, Glenn? Out to chat with your friends?" I pointed at the barn behind me glaring at the innocent boy in Infront of me before looking back down at my leg as I wrapped a piece of my shirt above the wound.
Sophia
"Maggie asked me not to tell anyone, okay! I just found out about it last night." He defended himself, his eyes wide and his body obviously panicked.
She has him wrapped around her little finger.
"You have until tomorrow or I'm telling them myself. Now help me get to Hershel." I told him, lifting my arm up suggesting that he support me as I couldn't walk on my own.
Glenn nodded and looked down for a second before walking towards me and threw my arm around his shoulder and wrapped his arm around my waist supporting my body weight as we slowly started walking towards the farmhouse.
Blood covered my shirt and hands and dripped down my leg marking a trail behind us.
They're going to see my blood.
***
"Your skin healing itself around the blade. It's gonna be harder to take it out now." Informed Hershel.
Great now he'll have to rip it out of my skin.
I was laid on the living room couch with Hershel sitting by my leg and everyone except Shane and Andrea surrounded us.
Apparently, they had stayed back after some gun training they had done with most of the group.
"Hershel I really don't care about the facts. You gotta take it out either way. Just do it!"
With every second that passed by, my skin kept healing around the blade but cutting around the sharp blade all over again.
"The knife might have injured an artery. If I pull it out you might bleed out before I can stop the bleeder." Every time his wrinkly hands pushed on my skin; more blood oozed out of my skin. My black pants had been ripped at the upper thigh to give Hershel room to work. But it also revealed the dark blood against my pale skin.
Most of Rick's group didn't know about my blood, well at least before then. Their faces were priceless when they saw how dark my blood was, flooding me with questions that even I, myself didn't know the answers to.
The situation was fairly under control until Shane barged in.
I was suddenly pulled from my hair and up from my sitting position and was dragged across the living room floor.
"Hey! What the hell!" I yell out as I hold my thigh trying to stop the pain. With my other hand, I tried to hold Shane's hand to ease the pulling on my hair.
I saw Glenn attempt to stop Shane, only to get punched in the face and seek Maggie's aid.
I saw Rick hold back Daryl, who had his crossbow out and loaded trying to aim at Shane.
But my focus quickly shifted to the set of stairs that I had been thrown down.
I found myself gasping for air as I landed on my back on the grass in Infront of the beautiful white farm.
My blood had become decoration on the land of the Greene family.
I didn't have time to grasp the situation or take in the amount of pain I was in before I felt a blinding pleasure on my left eye. Then another one on my lips. And another one on my nose.
Pain that was too familiar, pain that had been delivered to me by most men in my life. Pain.
Ringing echoed in my ears; I couldn't bear to open my eyes as I heard the yelling around me. my eyes could only feel the brightness of the sun.
I could feel the warm blood on my face mix with my tears, as I tried to hold in my sobs.
His hands wrapped around my throat forcing me to open my eyes in shock.
Is he really going to kill me? is no one trying to stop him?
I looked into his angry eyes, his emotionless face as he held my throat harder not allowing me to breathe. I couldn't believe this was the same Shane I had been laughing with just a day ago.
"Hey, Shane how are you?" I said nervously.
"I told you I'd do anything to keep my kid safe. I'm just sorry you had to contribute to it" he whispered in my face, smiling lightly as he spoke about his potential child.
I spit the blood in my mouth onto his face leading him to flinch in anger and hold more pressure on my neck.
My vision began to blur and my lungs had been burning as I felt the world around me disappear slowly.
I only saw Daryl charging at Shane before completely losing consciousness.
_________________
I'm back.
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