- nats girlfriend:
Tw: self harm, anxiety
- private messages are always open <3
Nats pov-
Y/n and I have been dating for a year. Our one year actually past about a week ago and we have just come back from our trip away to southern France. It was beautiful there, so peaceful. We got to have time just for ourselves. Which didn't happen often but she always made sure every moment counted.
However as soon as we came back we were bombarded with work from Fury. I was really pissed off at him actually. I told him that y/n had been struggling recently so if he could ease off the workload but no.... Honestly men.
Y/n and I are currently sitting in our shared office. I keep glancing up to check she's ok. She's fiddling with her ring, I know she's concentrating so I'm going to wait until she's ready. If I've learnt one thing about her, it's that she will tell you, but in her own time when shes ready. The more you push her to tell you, the further away she pushes you.
I look at her shut the file then run her fingers through her hair and place her head in her hands.
Nat: "everything ok bubs"
You: " yeh fine I'm just going to grab a jumper from our room, do you want anything?"
Nat: " I'm ok, your welcome to steal that blue one if you want"
She loves the blue one. I have no idea why. It's so old. But whatever makes her happy.
I watch her hurry out the room.
I try not too worry too much. It's just hard because I'm scared that I'm not doing enough to help her.
Your pov:
Ever since I was 16. Which was about 8 years ago I have been struggling with mental health issues. I don't talk about it. I really have no desire for people to know.
I always had to work hard for every grade, it didn't come easy to me. I managed to work my way into SHIELD but the process was gruelling. Academic validation...... it's where a lot of it started.
Everytime I got a bad grade I would cut myself as punishment. Although people told me I was doing good, I wasn't meeting my own standards. It steadily got worse over time. I had therapy and even got sectioned under the mental health act.
However, with help I got back on track and here I am. In recent months I've been feeling shit. To sum it up. I relapse after 3 years clean, and I felt so guilty about that I started distancing myself from Nat. I wasn't aware of it until Nat started noticing. I didn't want to have sex anymore, I didn't want to shower together, I didn't want to cuddle. To be perfectly honest I hated myself.
The pressure grew as I got promoted recently in SHIELD. I have alot of responsibility and I don't think I was ready for it.
Today has been especially bad, I needed to do it. I needed a release, I've felt sick all day and overwhelmed and this is the only thing that will calm me down.
- skip the sh-
I bandage up my arms and put on Nats jumper. It made me feel very safe. She made me feel safe, but I didn't want to drag her down with me. She hasn't noticed the cuts and I really hope she doesn't.
Nats pov-
Y/n walks back in the room in the blue jumper but her face is stained with mascara.
Nat: " baby.... let's have a break and get lunch"
You: " but I haven't finished my work"
Nat: " that can wait. Let me just go tell Fury"
- fury's office-
Nat: " y/n and I are taking time off. I'm not arguing. She's not ok. I'm scared Nick. I'm so.... I'm so scared"
I breakdown in his office.
He comes over towards me and hugs me. He doesn't see me cry, but when he does, he knows it's bad. He doesn't question it and says he needs to tell me something so I can check y/n.
Fury: " before y/n joined shield, she didn't go to university."
Nat: " no she went to Yale."
Fury: " Nat. Y/n was sectioned under the mental health act from the age of 18-21. She was in and out of psychiatric units and different types of therapy. We let her in because I met her and knew she was special. When you came to me earlier I wasn't too worried but seeing you cry, I need to know what's going on. Take some time off. But for y/n's safety I need to know what's happening Natasha"
Nat: " why didn't she tell me"
Fury: " it's not exactly something you casually throw into a conversation. But Nat, be ready for the talk not to go well"
Nat: " I know. I just want her to be ok. I'll do whatever it takes"
- time skip-
Y/n and I are lying in bed after I told her Fury gave us time off.
Nat: " y/n"
She's looks up me.
Nat: " please tell me what's going on."
You: " nothing is going on"
I look at her with tears in my eyes.
You: " I relapsed. That's it. That's why I have distanced myself. I'm so ashamed. I'm so sorry"
She bursts into tears and runs into the bathroom.
I shake the door but it's locked.
Nat: " please open the door. I'm not judging. I'm here baby. Please. Don't shut me out"
You: " you know now. I can't look at you. I'm so sorry"
Nat: " baby there's nothing to be sorry about. I want to help. I'll do whatever it takes. But I'm here."
She slowly turns the door knob and comes out. Her puffy eyes, she looks down.
I bring her in close, so she can feel my heartbeat.
Nat: "there is nothing to be ashamed about. Never ever was"
You: " I can't.... I can't carry on feeling like this anymore Nat. I'm so tired of fighting"
Nat: " but your not fighting on your own anymore. I want to help y/n"
You: " I just don't know where to start Nat"
Nat: " where are the blades my love, I'll get rid of all the sharp objects to start. Then I'll look at your bandages and we can give your arms a proper clean"
She nods
Nat: " right let's do this, this might be really hard but know this is going to help you."
She shows me where the blades are, I chuck them in the bin downstairs and then cover them up with left over food. Whilst she's sitting on the bed I go get everything sharp in our room, scissors, my blades etc. I message Bruce to ask to replace our mirror with an anti shatter mirror. I'm taking all the precautions.
You: " I'm ready to show you"
Nat: " ok, take your time. There is no rush"
I pick her up and place her on the bathroom counter. She slowly removes her jumper and I see the bandages all over. I see tears dropping from her eyes. I lift her chin up with my hand.
Nat: " nothing. Absolutely nothing. To be ashamed of."
I remove the bandages and get the antiseptic. They are slightly infected.
Nat: " this might sting a bit ok"
I dab the antiseptic on.
She grimaces slightly.
Nat: "almost done sweetheart."
- time skip-
You: " I'm sorry I've dragged you down"
Nat: " don't apologise for something that's not happened. I'm your girlfriend. Your my best friend, if anything is ever wrong, I want to be the person standing in front. Taking the bullet, the knife. Whatever is thrown ur way."
She starts crying and cuddles me in closer.
You: " I'm so lucky to have you. I love you. I love you so much"
Nat: " I love you too..... but what are our plans for this evening."
You: "Please can we watch the hannah Montana movie. It's my favourite thing ever aside from you of course"
Nat: "Sounds good to me, eventhough we both know the words off by heart"
Y/n and I took about 3 weeks off, she needed time to be reminded why life is worth living again. I'm glad I know now. I never want her to feel so alone and trapped in her own mind again. She's my soulmate and my everything.
A/n- hope this was ok <3
However I have a sickness bug, and have to take 2 days off college which is annoying cos I have so much work to do. I ALSO had to go home from work and I get no sick pay.... So that sucks. But it's ok.
Hope you are all ok.
Any Americans who are struggling with the news of Roe vs Wade, my private messages are always open <3