Alessandro POV.
We were all so confused when Eli asked us to the living room. Even more so when they started a gameshow host bit, but slowly it started to make sense. They passed around song lyrics to all of us with markings all over the papers in different highlight colors for us to read.
All of us had different songs, and all of them were straight from a nightmare. The first one I had was three minutes straight of Eli begging for someone not to hurt them anymore. There was so much pain and panic in the words, that I felt like crying. They described being imprisoned, drugged, and afraid for their life.
Before the last verse, there was a small note on the side of the paper. "to a different person"
With that clue, it was painfully obvious how the last verse was to someone else completely. It was a prayer for something 'up above', to save them from their 'hell on earth'.
As I finished reading the first lyrics I saw a lonely tear falling onto the paper. I could only imagine what had happened and even the little bit I got from the lyrics was something I wouldn't wish on anyone.
I took a moment to compose myself. I took a deep breath and shakily turned the page around to the next song.
The title read: 'Hellfire' and the song was something so rough I wish I hadn't read it like that. it described horrible ways to hurt someone. Things I wouldn't have even dared to imagine. And at the end of every verse were the lyrics: 'next to my life, hellfire would be paradise.'
After carefully studying the two songs I was given, I looked around at my brothers who weren't looking any better than me. I locked eyes with a completely broken Matteo. He was crying his eyes out just staring blankly ahead. He motioned to me with his papers and as a silent transaction, we swapped papers.
Eli POV.
After handing out the lyrics, I dipped. I wasn't going to just stand there as my brothers dug deep into my soul and tried to make sense of it. Instead, I went to the art room where I found Diego wrapped up in the painting he had started, over an hour ago.
"Hey short stuff," I called, as I fell onto the couch.
"So, how did it go?" Diego asked.
It was actually his idea to give my brothers the lyrics. It was sometimes so annoying how healthy he could be. He wanted me to tell my brothers everything and get help, which was sweet and all but also infuriating. I knew he was right, but I wasn't ready.
"Oh, I wasn't gonna stay there, are you mad?" I asked with a smirk.
Diego just rolled his eyes but didn't comment even tho I knew he really wanted to. He just continued to work on his painting, not taking his eyes off it for even a second. It was like he was in a trance, but not the painful kind. The kind when everything around you just melts away and you're completely at peace. I slowly got up and walked up behind him to take a peek at what he was working on.
It was a drop of water falling into a still lake. It was definitely not ready, as Diego said, but it was still gorgeous.
"Oh, I brought you some new stuff," Diego suddenly remembered and turned to face me.
"Thanks, little buddy, but I'm sober now," I said ruffling up his hair.
"You were serious about that? I thought you just said that to make me feel better," Diego said taken by surprise.
"Nah, they drugtest me whenever they think I might be high," I said with a groan falling back onto the small couch.
I was really missing weed, and the occasional opioid, oh and alcohol would've been just amazing.
"That's good tho. Means they care, but I know you well enough to say that you need an emergency stash," Diego said with a smirk towards the end.
"Oh? And why is that?" I challenged leaning against one of the tables.
Diego just shrugged, before turning back to his painting.
"I don't really know but Carlos said that you needed to have an emergency stash to stay alive," he said casually before turning back to his work.
I knew exactly what Carlos had meant. He knew that when the intrusive thoughts or the overall self-destructive cravings got too loud, they needed to be stopped. He also knew that the only way I could do that without hurting myself was drugs. He never liked it, but he came to terms with it after he tried to cut me off.
"Thank you," I said hugging Diego from behind so that my chin was on his shoulder.
Lorenzo POV.
I started crying as soon, as Eli left the room. I had listened to the songs countless times. You couldn't turn on the radio anymore without hearing one of their songs, but the lyrics were always just something I didn't think about. Now, I was reading the lyrics written by my little sibling about them wanting to kill themselves.
The next song wasn't any better. It was about a single moment, describing how blood was flowing down their arm, and how they turned their arm to redirect its course leaving behind red lines like a map on their arm. It was absolutely terrifying to read knowing that that was someone you cared about.
After I switched with Antonio it didn't get much better.
His first song was about some man described as a shadow that penetrated their dreams and echoed through their memories leaving mental scars wherever he went.
The second one was about walking down a hallway to their inevitable death listening to screams that you couldn't do anything about knowing full well what was happening. The song ended with them walking down a flower field towards a sunset describing how at peace they felt and how everything felt good for once.
Next to the last verse was written one word, which made the beautiful part of the song the saddest part.
":( Death <3"
Eli POV.
After about an hour of just talking with Diego like we had never been apart, I decided it had been long enough and I had to go do damage control with the boys.
I took my sweet time walking towards the living room where I left my brothers shocked at what I was doing. When I walked in all shock was wiped off their faces and replaced with horror, tears, sadness, and deep thought.
Alessandro was the only one to notice me as I walked in so I carefully cleared my throat to get the other boys' attention.
"So... have you read over the... the things?" I asked suddenly feeling like my mouth was dryer than the Sahara desert.
After a few uncomfortable seconds, Alessandro got up from his seat making me flinch subconsciously. He quickly walked over to me and pulled me into the tightest embrace I had ever been a part of. I seriously thought my ones were going to crack.
After Alessandro finally let me go, Antonio was the first to speak.
"Shit... Eli... I don't know what to say. This is some heavy shit right here," he said waving the papers in his hand.
"I'm so sorry, I wasn't there to help you," Alessandro said, with tears pooling in his eyes.
I ended up sitting down next to Alessandro and after a while, I started explaining.
"So... the album all those songs are on... I wrote it after I got back from camp... I guess I should use the correct terms for it all, but I don't think I can without breaking down," I said finally feeling a bit easier about the topic.
I knew I didn't have to explain everything since they knew something so I was just filling in the blanks for them. I took a deep breath composing myself for what I was going to say.
"Ever since I was nine, my parents started sending me to... to conversion therapy camps," I stuttered, my voice breaking down as I said the name for the first time.
I guess I felt like if I didn't say it It wasn't true. I knew that's what it was but I would never say it out loud. That would mean I'd accept that it was true, and all those things had actually happened.
"I went at least once a year for different amounts of time. Sometimes weeks, sometimes months. When I was twelve, they started sending me to this other place which these songs are mainly about. It... it was hell, I don't think there's another word for it," I tried explaining, still having to fight the voice in my head, screaming at me to shut up.
"After my first visit there, I wrote these songs," I said motioning to the pile of papers now laying on the table.
"If you want to know what they did to me there... just don't. They did everything you could ever think of," I said feeling my eyes watering up.
There was a long silence, while Alessandro rubbed my back, trying to comfort me while I could see all my brothers were completely broken by the things I had told them.
"Eli... This song... My Perfect Crime... Did- did you...? Did..." Gabriele trailed off.
At that moment I remembered, that he was just eighteen years old. He was just a kid. He shouldn't have to hear that his little sibling tried to kill themself.
"Yes. I tried to kill myself three times in my life. Once, when I was ten, the second time at twelve, and the third one at fifteen," I said quickly. That one I had practiced saying to the mirror. I had almost said it about a hundred times but the voice in my head got too loud.
I saw the faces of my brothers' morphe into shocked, sorry, sad messes, as a single tear rolled down Lorenzo's cheek.
"Eli, this is a very important question. Do you still hurt yourself?" Lorenzo asked quickly wiping his tears away.
I looked down at the floor, trying to compose myself.
"I used to. A lot. I told you guys about me doing it when I have a panic attack, but it used to be a lot more than that. I would have to do it whenever I messed something up or just was a failure. Over time, it became a habit that was really hard to break. Every time I feel like I'm not good enough, my mind immediately goes to the blade," I said suddenly pushing all my emotions down.
I was somewhere far away from that situation and my own body. I wasn't myself and nothing was real. In my mind, I kept on searching for the undo button but I never found it so my mind just said goodbye and left.
"Have you done that lately?" Lorenzo asked again, not letting his emotions come through.
"Before my parents died, I was almost two months clean off of it, and now I'm almost at a month again," I said feeling a little pride.
"Who is Don't Forget, about?" Antonio asked out of the blue.
We had talked for a while, and all my brothers had hugged me each just as tightly as the other once.
"Mia," I said fully aware, that I would have to be more specific.
"Who's Mia?" Gabriele asked with a smirk.
All of us still looked like shit from our little crying circle but we all still smiled. Me at the memories, and the others at the thought of me having a girlfriend.
"My first girlfriend," I said with a sad smile covering my face.
"What happened? It's a pretty sad song," Matteo pointed out.
It was true. Don't Forget was about all the things we did together, and how I wished her the best, but selfishly hoped, that she'd never forget about us.
"Our parents found out. Her parents sent her to some boarding school in England, and mine were sending me back to camp. That was when I ran away. I didn't have Carlos or Mia to help me, so I knew I wouldn't have survived another trip to that hellhole. So, I left," I explained still feeling the out-of-body experience.
Otherwise, I would have probably fallen apart and started crying on the floor for having to say it out loud. I didn't know where I was at that moment, but I definitely wasn't there and I definitely wasn't myself.
"Jesus Christ, that's fucked up," Lorenzo said, making us all stare at him with wide eyes. He would never ever in a million years let out a curse word.
"I can do it once, and I chose this time as the perfect time," he said justifying his choice of words.
"You're right, it was fucked up," I said smirking at my older brother.
After another while, I called Diego downstairs and we picked out a movie. Me and Diego were on the team that advocated for Dear Evan Hansen while Gabriele and Antonio, for once in their lives, agreed to do anything so that we wouldn't have to watch it.
After a small puppy dog glance at Alessandro, we were all sat down with buckets of popcorn listening to Anybody Have a Map?