Still gripping my hand, Jungkook walks me outside. He keeps on walking till the last room of the corridor. It's a meeting room. We mostly had our meetings with Miss Ombre over there. He barged inside with his foot hitting the door. Two female interns were chatting inside, as their green ribbon denoted, who were stunned to see Jungkook. Their mouths open wide when they notice our clenched hands.
"Leave." Jungkook almost whispers, barely audible to me even and the girls don't move from their seats. "I said leave!" The girls startled by his sudden shriek get up and leaves the room instantly. As soon as the door closed, Jungkook let go of my hand.
"What did you say?" he says, without turning back. I was confused by his question but still managed to reply to him. He is hating seeing me standing silent right now.
"I am going back to America," I speak out and he nods his head.
"For how long?"
"I won't come back." And then, he looks back at me. His hands are folded into fists and he is nodding, with half of his lip gripped by his teeth, eyes closed tightly.
"Did you bother to ask me?"
"Wh...What? Why would I?" I replied to his question. His gaze is getting darker, he is on the verge of his anger right now, but he is holding upright. He suddenly steps forward, and I instantly take a step back. As his feet approached mine, I knew he was going to block me with the wall. So, I stopped right there, but he almost stepped on me. My hand moved to sit against his chest, just to stop him.
"Don't."
He is so close to me, that I could feel his breath on my face. He is wearing the same scent I stole from him, tranquilizing my mind yet setting it on fire, all at once. I felt his body after so long, my hand moved along his heaving chest. And right when I was about to remove it, he held my hand and forcefully kept it there.
"You hear this?" It seems like nostalgia, but I don't reply to him. "Please Hana, for fuck sake, talk."
"I- I don't-"
"Look at me." I wanted to run away. I don't want to look at his face, it's my biggest weakness. But, his finger is already under my chin and he lifts it. I looked up into his watery eyes, his lips parted.
"You hate me this much?"
"I don't hate you, Jungkook."
"Then? What is all this?"
"I...I think this is the best for me, for us, for everyone." He looks up and sighs, licking his lips.
"How can I trust your thinking? What if it's not?"
"It will be."
"Hana..." he steps even closer, our bodies touching each other's, along with our foreheads. "No. It's not going to be. There's nothing right when you are away from me."
It felt weird standing this close to him after months. But, if he thinks he's going to convince me like that, I came prepared. I step back to make a fair distance between us.
"Jungkook, I am not rethinking-"
I haven't even finished it when he grabs me by my waist and almost picks me up to make me stand against the wall. He blocks one of my sides with his palm against the wall.
"Jungkook, please-"
"You know what? You should not talk now, because you did enough." I looked up at him, as his tone was surprisingly furious now. "Where do we stand right now?"
"What do you mean?"
"We love each other. And I know, you know that too."
"No."
"Don't lie to me!" he almost shouts.
"Jungkook, it's over."
"When? When did you do that?"
"The day-"
"You never told me about it. You never fucking talked to me about this."
"Wasn't it evident?"
"Jeez." He looks around, giving me some air to breathe. "You don't know how relationships work, do you?"
"Don't come at me with this. If it wasn't about keeping up with relationships, I would have never taken this step."
"I? Why is it always about you? Why is it not about us?"
"Jungkook, I am responsible for my decisions only, not yours." He steps back and lets out a laugh, but returns with even more anger in his body.
"This is where you are fucking wrong!" He screams. "When you love someone, it's never about you only. It's about us. How could you just decide alone and shove your decisions on me to accept? You don't even give me a right to express myself."
"You have all the right to react, that is what you are doing right now."
"Listen-" he says, slowly and I am finally able to look into his eyes. "I am going to fix all of this. I swear that I will make you forget everything."
"Jungkook, even if you try your best, it ends on me." He keeps on staring as if he is processing what I said to him. "And I don't want you to invest your energy in this, it's...it's useless."
"Useless?" He stands straight now, arms resting on his chest.
"Jungkook, please don't force me on this. I came to this conclusion after thinking a lot."
"I will force you; I'll force you till your mouth speaks the right words." We stare at one another in silence. His piercing gaze never leaves me, and every other second, I am controlling the tears in my eyes.
"I have to go," I finally step towards the door and open it. The realization that it was the last time I would be seeing him was stabbing me from inside.
"I hate that my words have no importance for you now, Hana. Was our love this fragile? I didn't know." My hand freezes on the door knob. "I wonder how you can do these things so easily." I bite my lip and clench my eyes, trying to avoid his words that are making me weak. "If there's anyone else you are leaving me for, I bet he can never love you as I do."
My eyes open wide and my hands are sweaty. Does he think I am cheating on him? The thought that I have been suffering for so long due to my past and my health and he is just thinking that I am doing all this because of another man, makes me want to kill myself right there. Within seconds, my anger elevated and I was visibly turning red. I walked back to him and slapped him right away. He wasn't surprised. He returns, wiggling his lip piercing with his tongue. The realization hit me for what I have done, I shouldn't have slapped him, not when we were on our goodbye note.
"What? Isn't this why you are so desperate to leave me?" He put the last nail in the coffin and I gripped him by his collar, giving him a thrust with all my might.
"How dare you! Do you think I am doing all of this for somebody else? Jungkook-" I gave him another thrust, my hand even tighter around his collar. "I have been suffering for days. I don't know when it's day or when it is night. I can't even pick myself up, and here you are thinking all this?" His gaze never leaves me. So, I leave his crumpled collar and close my eyes to look down.
"You don't even know Jungkook. Do you think all of this is easy for me? To think about parting myself from you? To leave my own country? Where my mom is? I have been trying so much to tell myself to get over this, but I can't; every time, I go back to where it all started." I look up with tears in my eyes. "You know what? I am on the verge of giving up on my life, Jungkook. I don't want to live this life anymore, where there are only miseries and a cruel past that keeps on triggering me every single day. I wish I could die. And this?" I hold my nose cannula with my fingers. "If I take this out, I can't survive for even a day. This is how fragile my life has become; I am this near to my end, Jungkook." I raise my fingers to show him a pinch of my fingers. "Just let me do this. Please-" I raise my hands, palm against palm, begging him to let me go.
He holds my hand, almost immediately.
"I wish...I wish you could have called me. I wish you could have found a home in me, Hana. You never gave me a chance, to even understand you or talk to you. You don't deserve to suffer again, we don't deserve to. But I'll always remember, you were unfair to yourself, to me, to our relationship."
I[Play the song]^
Crazy in love -
I stay silent. I know I am wrong in so many places, but for the sake of my peace of mind, I have to stay away. I have to leave everything that reminds me of my terrible memories and the truth that stands undeniable. I take a sigh and decide to leave when Jungkook holds my hand and places it over his shoulder. He moves his hand with mine, tracing his body parts; shoulder, chest, stomach. He stops on his thigh, while I blindly gaze at his face.
"You will never get over me, Hana."
I am terrified that I cannot lie anymore. Last week, I have made 'touch' a sacred word for myself as well as for Jungkook, although we know each other's bodies more than ourselves. Though I miss him, there's always the desire to touch him once again; to feel him against me, to love in that way. I jerk my hand from his.
"You think? I am already over you. I have learned it." He squinted his eyes and licked his lips.
"Stop lying. Stop," he says, but I stare at him blindly.
"I am not lying!"
"Show me."
"What do you mean? How can i-"
"I'll show you, then."
And he steps forward in a blink of an eye, and my brain failed to measure the closeness. He holds my face from one side and joins his lips with mine. I gasp out loud at his frequent move. It has been over two months, I haven't felt like this. He's so energized but calm at the same time. But, I am not separating him. I know I can resist it, but he can't. I let him do that, just for one last time. I may have taken so much from him, but I would grant him this, though I am convinced that I have no more desire for him. I am convinced.
Jungkook steps more closely, placing his arm around my waist, tightly. My lips move fervently to his pace, and I let all that happen. I know how damaging that would be for me, but I don't want to stop. Stupidly following my lie of lying, I keep my body in place and don't move any part of it. I don't want to look like a loser in front of him.
After so much effort, I am finally able to convince him that I am over him. I want him to believe this lie wholeheartedly so that I may leave this place with a bit of ease in my heart; that he has no hopes of me coming back and vice versa. But, the thing he is doing right now is driving me crazy. My body suddenly jerks when his hand reaches under my shirt and he belts my waist. It felt like his cold fingers were transferring their coldness into my blood. The fervent, hungry kiss wasn't enough that he was adding more sizzle to it. With his arms around me, he picks me up and turns me around, but doesn't take a break from kissing me. I clutched his shoulders, making sure not to fall, but Jungkook made sure to handle me with care. My mind is going to burst right now. I don't know what's going on around me and I am so into him. He's troubling me. Definitely.
As we stepped back, my thighs hit the knee-level table. The sudden hit made my knee feeble and my butt hit against the table's cold surface. And instead of our lips breaking apart, Jungkook bows down to keep his lips connected. I am almost out of breath right now. His hand that was resting on my hips moved to my upper body, clawing my back.
I gasp at his touch and my breathing becomes heavier. He finally parts his lips from mine and we pant crazily. What felt like a second later, Jungkook pushes me back and I lay down on the table, still catching up with my breath with my eyes closed. He is helping me to get my breath back, but I am glad I resisted. He's probably failing in his plan; there isn't anything I am doing to him. But as soon as my eyes open, my world takes a whole turn.
Jungkook is leaning over me, gazing into my eyes. The stare goes long and long and my eyes suddenly turn watery. I hate my past. If I'd just had one chance to let go of something, I would disassociate him from my past and love him like always. For how much I try, I always fail to prioritize my present self. His face moves out of sight when he leans towards my ear and skims his nose on the side of my neck. It sends a shiver right away in my whole body, and when he kisses me on my neck, I was on the verge of giving up on my feelings. The worst realization on this point was that I didn't even refuse him for once. I didn't stop him from doing all of this, because I missed it, a little too much.
His tattooed hand moves up and his fingers unbutton my shirt's top button. As it struck open, my collarbone was on display, and just smoothly, he moved down to plant kisses on my bare skin. My chest heaved up and down as fast as it could. As his pattern continued, so did my patience, he did what he shouldn't have. His hand slides again under my shirt and he lightly taps his fingers over my belly button.
Gasping, my hands blindly searched for something to grab, but nothing was within my reach. Suddenly, the urge to touch him and feel his skin against mine grappled me. The overflow of feelings and desire was making my mind unconscious. My hand, for the first time, moved on his body and I searched for a way to get my hand under his shirt from somewhere, but I kept ending on his belt; his shirt was tugged in his pants. My eyes open briefly when Jungkook presses his mouth against mine, once again, causing them to shut again.
With a ferocious movement, he inserts his tongue into my mouth. I could sense his passion and drive, as his blazing tongue was tangling with mine. My body was on fire, I was shaking with every sensation he was making me feel. My hands still look to track a bit of his skin, but there's no way to get under his shirt except the top. My hand skims on his muscles that are even more strengthened than before, finally reaching his face. I cup his jawline for a bit, before sliding it towards his neck. It's as soft as I last touched it. Jungkook's pace now slows down and he gently pecks my lips when I finally find a way under his shirt. Eyes still closed, I move my fingers along his tightened dress shirt's collar. I unbutton his top most buttons, but before I could complete my task, Jungkook's hand grips mine as tightly as he could. He backs off and gazes at the hand and then me. It seemed as if I was caught red-handed for something I don't know.
"What are you doing?" he inquires, his hand still placed over mine. I look at him, while he just passes me a serious gaze. I knew right away what mistake I had made. His eyes were speaking so much; he did what he wanted to. He allured me just to make me realize how badly I wanted him. It took a while, but we were finally here. I sat up almost immediately and fixed my scattered hair and buttoned my top to stand up and leave, but as always, he held my wrist.
"I won't tell you to stop lying from now on, because I know." He stands up too and comes in front of me. "I never wanted to stop you, but only because I had to make you admit that you are still not over me. You want me even more than before and now you can't fabricate this into a lie. I want you, Hana."
I close my eyes tight to his words. He caught it.
"Jungkook," I opened my eyes to meet his sad ones. "I am sorry if this hurts you, I am sorry for everything. If I wasn't a part of your life, you could have never suffered like that, nor would I." My mouth closes as his hand rests against my lips.
"No. I am glad and I will always be that you are a part of my life."
"Just for once," I removed his hand. "Jungkook let me be at peace. I don't think I can live a long life now, but even if it's little, let that be in peace for me and you too, and undoubtedly our parents."
"So, you think moving back to the States would be peaceful for you?"
"I can try..."
"Hana, there's no shit like a peaceful place. Peace is what is in your heart." He touches the side of my face. "And for me, it's your heart, not mine. I find you as my peace. When this world is too cruel, I always want you around me. My home is a person that is you. What would I do when I feel sad? Where will I go?"
As his fingers skim my jawline, a tear falls from my eye and ends up wetting his thumb.
"I am sorry, Jungkook. I can't be your peace anymore when my own life is a wreck. I can't and I don't want to be," saying, I separate his hand and my face, and more and more tears crowd my face. I pass by him and rush to the door before he says anything else and I stand speechless to him because honestly, I can't face him anymore. I am never getting over him.
What a loser.