Sirius holds Zion, he doesn't move as he cradles his sons lifeless body in his arms. He rocks him back and fourth like he did when he was a baby as agonising gut wrenching screams escape his mouth. He can't stop the tears from falling. He wants to be strong. He knows Phoenix is with them but he can't. He can't be strong right now. He can't even look at his younger son, he can't stomach the pain that will be written all over his face.
Phoenix watches as his Dad rocks his brothers body. He waits for Zion to move. He waits for him to wake up and laugh at them for crying so much. He waits for him to open his eyes but he doesn't move. There's so much blood. It's pooled around Sirius on the floor, it's smeared across Zion's white face and drenching Sirius' arms.
"Sirius?" Remus kneels down besides him, resting his hand on his shoulder, "We need to go."
Sirius shakes his head, burying it into Zions body as he cries. It should've been him that died first. He wasn't supposed to outlive his own children. He feels his insides twist and tear themselves apart, his heart breaks all over again. He has to tell Kate. They have to tell Marlie and Regulus. Remus has to tell his daughter. They have to tell his friends. There's so many people who will feel the weight of his death, so many people who's hearts are going to break and Sirius can't stop it.
"Phoenix?" Remus tries gently, "We need to get you home."
Home.
But what was home without Zion? He stares again at his brothers body and waits. He stares in hope that somehow Zion can hear his thoughts, his pleas and will just move.
Get up.
Jokes over now.
It's not funny. Get up.
But he still doesn't flinch.
In his life, the one consistent thing he had was Zion. When they were children they caused mayhem together, running around the house and sneaking chocolate pudding before tea. They built secret forts, played pirates and created potions out of mud in the garden. As they got older, they didn't grow apart, they just grew up. They both enjoyed different things and had different friends but they still wound each other up and they were always there when the other one needed.
I need you now.
It was cruel that the only person who could stop the pain in his chest was the person laid lifeless in front of him. He'd give anything, even his own life if it meant Zion got to live.
"Why was he here?" Phoenix asks quietly, "He shouldn't have been here."
Sirius looks up, his face creases as he stares at Phoenix and he cries harder. Sirius had never known pain like it, this was the worst pain he had ever felt. Remus lifts Phoenix to his feet, dazed and confused Phoenix looks down at his clothes- they're covered in blood. Zions blood. He feels the vomit rushing up his throat, he turns away from Zions body, throwing up on the stairs. Remus rubs his back as he throws up again.
Remus watches as Sirius whispers to Zion, his own eyes burn with tears. Zion was his first nephew, his first godchild and now he was gone. The light in Zions eyes had faded, gone out and there was nothing left.
"Please wake up." Sirius begs, "We have to go home."
Phoenix sits on the steps, shaking as the reality hits him at full force. He buries his head in his hands, trying to hide his tears as they fall. He had to be strong for his parents and Marlie. It was his turn to be brave like Zion now.
Remus kneels in front of Sirius, his face paling as the blood soaks his trousers. He reaches forwards, closing Zions eyes with his hand. Sirius looks up at Remus, his expression unreadable. Sirius sees the bloodshot puffy eyes and he knows it's true. He knows Zion won't get back up. No matter how much he begs and prays to a god he doesn't believe in, he knows Zion won't get back up again.
"It looks like he's sleeping now." Remus says softly.
Sirius nods.
"Let's take them home." Remus says again with an encouraging nod.
Sirius struggles to his feet, he refuses to let go of Zion. He holds him in his arms, following Remus as he helps Phoenix to his feet. Sirius looks behind him, towards the veil. It looks like a bloodbath, but only Zion bled. His body is weightless in his arms, as if he lost every last drop of blood. They apparate away, landing with a soft thud outside 12 Grimmauld place. Sirius clutches Zion close to his chest, it reminds him of when he was first born and he held him for the very first time.
During his time in Azkaban, he replayed memories to pass the time. He always thought about the very first time he held his first son, trying to pinpoint when the last time was. Had he held him the day before he got arrested? Was he hurting too much about James to bother? Had he held his son and told him he loved him? Had it been days since he'd done it?
He never thought he'd know when the last time was but here it was. The very last time he'd hold his son in his arms.
Phoenix is followed closely by Remus, Kate launches forward, checking him over and fussing. She kisses his face all over as she cries with relief. She's so overjoyed and happy, so glad that her son is okay. Phoenix hates it. He can't open his mouth to speak, he just sobs and breaks down in his Mums arms. She didn't know.
"You're okay." She soothes, "You're alright."
Regulus sees the look on Remus' face from the kitchen door. He marches forward, slipping past Kate and Phoenix as she rocks him in his arms. Regulus stands at the front door, his eyes widen as he sees his brother standing in the street with Zion is his arms. He legs give way beneath him, he falls to his knees and screams.
Kate looks up at Regulus, he's sobbing and shaking by the front door. She sits Phoenix on the bottom step, "What is it?"
Remus closes his eyes as Kate passes him. He waits for the painful cry of a mourning Mother and when he hears it, he too falls to the ground and cries. The weight of the grief takes over, he cries as he listens to Kate. A mothers cry is the most hurtful noise in the world.
Kate leaves the house, she stumbles as she makes her way towards Sirius and Zion. It can't be true. It can't be real. It can't be happening. It's a mistake. A hoax. Zion was told to stay behind. She looks at her son in his fathers arms, the blood soaking his clothes and she lets out a sharp gasp like she'd been shot in the chest.
Her hand touches the side of Zions face, she waits for him to move and tell her to stop fussing but he doesn't.
"I thought he was in his room." She states numbly, "Why wasn't he in his room?"
Sirius falls to his knees as he starts to cry again. It was all his fault. He should've told Zion to stay behind. He should never have allowed it but he did. It was on him. Sirius had a tendency in his life to act impulsively, it never worked out. It always ended badly but he never learnt. Kate kneels with him, both of them cradle their son as they cry.
No one has the heart to tell them they need to move in off the street. No one has the strength to tell them. Zion was dead. They lost their first son. Their first child. Their baby.
Selene knows. She sits with Fred and George at the top of the stairs. One either side of her as they each cry quietly. They know based on the way Phoenix is crouched over. The way Remus is staring into space. The way Regulus is sobbing by the front door. They saw the way Kate rushed out, they heard the way she screamed and they know.
They just know.
Zion is dead.
The thing about grief is that it isn't linear, some days are darker than others. Some days are better. For Sirius, they're are no good days, only bad ones. He stays shut away in his room, he doesn't move. He doesn't touch the food that Remus or Regulus brings up to him. He doesn't change into the clean clothes Molly lays out for him. He lays in bed and he waits. He's not sure what he's waiting for anymore. It's been a week and Zion was still dead. Nothing had changed but everything had changed.
Grief isn't linear. It comes it waves. Some days you get a gentle knock to your chest, reminding you that your heart is broken. Other days you get drowned by grief, you scream and you let it out anyway you can. For Sirius, this means screaming and trashing his room, breaking everything he sees like a child. Sirius would rather feel nothing at all.
Kate is in the other bedroom, she doesn't move either. She stays in bed, staring up at the ceiling and waits. She waits for Zion to come in and tell her he's fine. That it was all a big mistake. That the body wasn't his. She saw the body. She saw his body. She knows it was him, but she still hopes. Her grief doesn't come in waves, it comes in leaps. It leaps between numbness and nothing to feeling everything. She feels everything so strongly that she has the urge to rip her skin off the bone to make it stop.
She also blames Sirius.
Kate never thought a day would come where she would hate Sirius Black. He was accused of mass murder. He was sentenced to life in Azkaban. He treated her like shit when they were younger. But nothing ever made her hate him. She always thought her love for Sirius was unconditional but now, she couldn't even think about him.
She hated him.
Regulus tried to be strong, he was good at that. He was always good at acting like nothing was wrong. When he was growing up, he was able to switch off his feelings and emotions, out of fear of getting punished by his parents. He tried. He was capable of keeping it together when he visited the bedrooms, but when he was alone he cried. He couldn't hold it in or switch it off. It hurt too much. He'd never really felt anything like this before.
Phoenix slept in Zions bed because it smelt like him. It made him feel closer to his brother. He held Zion's Quidditch jumper in his arms, like a hug from him and he never really stopped crying. Sometimes he stopped long enough to breathe a little easier, but he never stopped hurting. Never stopped crying. Late at night, he'd hear footsteps lingering outside the door. A gentle knock. He knew it was Harry but he didn't care anymore. He lost all care the minute Zion lost his life. Phoenix blamed himself and he blamed Harry. Phoenix lost two people he loved and cared about, both linked to Harry Potters cause.
Harry knew it was his fault. He should have forced his friends to stay behind at the castle but the vision was so real and it was Phoenixes Dad. How would he have ever got him to stay behind? Thinking Sirius was in danger? Harry had spent so long pushing Phoenix away so if anything bad happened, he wouldn't get hurt but Phoenix got hurt anyway. Phoenix lost someone he loved again anyway. Nothing would ever make up for the losses. Nothing could bring Zion back and stop Phoenix from hurting so much.
Marlie got to go home. No one at the school would tell her why. She assumed Sirius had been caught and arrested. She never thought anything could be worse than losing your Dad again. She prepared herself for that. She prepared for her Mum or Uncle Reggie to sit her down and explain that Sirius had gone back to jail.
But when she arrived by floo, Regulus was sat on the sofa waiting for her. She knew from the look on his face that it was more than that. Her mind span with all sorts of ideas, she thought about the dementors giving Sirius the dementors kiss and taking his life.
"I'm so sorry." Regulus had said as he tried to hold back the tears, "I'm so sorry, Marlie but..Zion.."
She took a few steps backwards away from her Uncle as she shook her head, "No. You're wrong."
Regulus stood to his feet, wrapping his arms around his niece and held her as she cried. She felt small, lost in his arms and the weight of the pain made her crumble.
"I'm sorry Marlie but he's gone."
Marlie had known all her life that she would die first. Her siblings would get older and she wouldn't. It was a fact. She wasn't going to live past eighteen but they would. They were going to live long wonderful lives and have families and see the world and live. He was supposed to live forever. Then when her brothers did die, they were meant to meet her at the halfway, old and grey so she could bully them about it because she would be forever young. Not Zion.
Not Zion.
Regulus picks her up as she cries, moving them to the sofa where Marlie curls up into him and sobs. He really does try to be strong for her like he had tried to be strong for everyone else but seeing her heart break made him cry. They both cuddled and cried, Regulus stroked her hair until she finally fell asleep. There was a shift in the air, the war had become personal and he would ensure that the bitch involved with Zions death paid the price. An eye for an eye.
Bowie laid outside Zions bedroom door, he never moved. He might be the dumbest dog in the world but he knew that Zion was gone. It pained Regulus every time he had to step over the dog to get past. Zion had been so excited when he gave them the dog, he vowed to take care of him for his whole entire life. He was the one who walked him, bathed him and fed him- now no one was doing it.
"Bowie?" Reg says softly, "Should we go for a walk?"
Bowie looks up at Regulus for a moment, a deep sadness in his dark puppy dog eyes, before resting his head back on the ground, staring at Zion's bedroom door and continues to wait.
Remus made food. He was getting good at cooking now. He knew it wouldn't be eaten but it gave him something to distract his mind and keep his hands busy. It gave him something to focus on, other than memories of his nephews body laying there. He was good at acting, he had to be stronger than the rest of them. His best friend had lost his son, his daughter had lost the boy she had fallen for and they had all lost a huge part of their dysfunctional family.
Regulus leaned on Remus to grieve, when he could no longer act strong and it was just them two. Regulus cried and Remus held him, telling him he could cry and that he didn't have to be strong for him. Then Remus would cry on Tate,in their room in the disguise of the late dark night, Remus would grieve and Tate would hold him.
"James has got him." Tate says one night in the midst of Remus' excruciating crying, "James and Lily will take care of him."
Remus nods stiffly, imagining James reuniting with his first nephew. A small smile appears as he cries, "Yeah, you're right. James has got him."
And that made things a little easier.
Remus climbs out of bed, his eyes puffy from crying and goes to Sirius. He doesn't knock, he just walks in and shuts the door. Sirius is staring at the ceiling, he's not moved since Remus took food up to him but he slips into the bed next to him. Sirius manages to move his head to look at Remus.
"I just- James has him. You know that,
right?" Remus whispers.
Sirius blinks in surprise, he hadn't really thought about that. His eyes start to burn with fresh tears and he buries himself into Remus' side as both of them cry together.
"James has him." Sirius repeats slowly, choking on his words, "James has him."
On the day of the funeral, Regulus barges into Sirius' room, he rips the curtains open and throws a black suit at his brother who's still laid on the bed. It's been nine days since Zion died. It's been nine days since Sirius last held Zion is his arms. It's been nine days since Zion called him 'Dad'. It's been nine days but it feels like it had happened just now.
"You stink." Regulus says, "Get a shower. You have time."
"I don't think I can do it." His voice comes out hoarse.
Regulus sighs sitting on the edge of the bed, "If you can't do it, we can leave. I'll take you home but please, at least try."
"Okay."
Sirius stands in the shower, he's not sure how he's got here but the water is running and he's standing over it. He blinks and the water is red, his hands are drenched in blood. He panics, staggering backwards but when he looks again, it's just normal clear water. His hands are fine.
There's nothing there.
When he's finally ready he walks downstairs, Phoenix and Marlie are sat dressed in all black on the sofa in the living-room. The dog has his head resting on Marlie's lap, she's stroking his face as she stares blankly ahead.
The rest of the adults are in the kitchen, drinking and talking in sad hushed tones. Harry is with them. The Weasleys went home after a few days, sensing their intrusion, although nobody minded if they did stick around. It would be so easy to go into the kitchen, grab a beer or two and down them. It's how he dealt with things previously..but when he looks back towards his children, he finds that he can't.
He walks into the living room, closing the door behind him and sits in the armchair across from them. Marlie actually looks up at him, her eyes are puffy and she's sniffling quietly. Phoenix continues to stare at the floor, his head hung down sadly.
"Do you think.. do you think Zion would want us to wear Black?" Sirius asks, his heart dropping that he didn't even know the answer for himself.
Marlie nods, "Black was his favourite colour."
"And red." Phoenix barely whispers.
"Do we have anything red?"
Marlie smiles softly as her eyes fill with fresh tears, "I have some red bobbles, Zion always stole them to tie his own hair up because they're the colour of Gryffindor."
She leaves the room to retrieve them, Sirius notices the way she's shaking and stumbling as she walks. Phoenix glances up at Sirius with nervousness in his eyes.
"Do you blame me?"
Sirius blinks, "What? No. Zion doesn't either."
"He was there because of me though..to take me home." He gulps harshly, "If I hadn't gone with Harry then-"
"He still would've gone." Sirius lies pressing his mouth together into a thin line.
He didn't want Phoenix to feel guilt as well as everything else. Yes, Zion went to take Phoenix home but the spell he was hit with, was meant for Sirius- no one else. If he'd been more alert of everything around him and less arrogant then perhaps he would've noticed.
Marlie returns with a tub full of red bobbles, she gives one to Sirius and one to Phoenix, then wanders off into the kitchen to hand more out to everyone. Anything to make the funeral more personal, more special and more Zion.
Sirius hadn't been involved with the funeral plans, he's pretty sure Regulus sorted it all. He chose the music, the flower arrangements, the church and service- everything. Including burial at the same place as James and Lily.
James has got him.
Sirius realises he's not been to their graves yet because he can always feel James around. He always talks to James, finding him in the dark spaces of the his room or up in the night sky and he just knows James can hear him.
The service is dreadful. The music is nice, it makes Sirius smile a little actually despite the ache in his chest. Regulus had chosen Zions favourite songs, they're good songs but Sirius won't ever listen to them again without crying. Without thinking of his child. He hadn't realised Zion liked the same kind of music as him.
After the service, they walk out of the small church. Marlie is right by Sirius' side, refusing to let go of his hand. Kate is following the priest, she doesn't look up from the floor. Sirius knows Kate hates him. He knows that she blames him and he hasn't got any fight left in him.
Phoenix,Regulus and the Weasley twins are carrying Zion's casket to the space where he will be laid to rest. Sirius didn't want to carry it. He didn't think he'd be strong enough to put Zion in the ground.
Harry is standing by his parents graves, he's kneeling by them with Ron, talking to them. Sirius walks over with Marlie, hearing the last little bit of Harry's conversation with the headstones.
"Please look after Zion." He mumbles quietly, "I know you will but yeah..just make sure he's okay."
Marlie let's go of Sirius' hand and kneels down bedsides Harry, "Hi Uncle James and Auntie Lily, can you make sure Zion won't haunt me?"
Sirius can't help but laugh softly at the seriousness in her tone. He wouldn't mind being haunted by James and Zion, if it meant he got to see them again and speak to them again.
When he was in Azkaban, James was with him. He knew deep down that he wasn't really there, but he spoke to him and they'd crack jokes together. It helped him stay sane, although in hindsight talking to his dead best friend definitely meant he'd lost his mind.
He could feel himself losing his mind again.
He wondered if Zion knew who Bowie was named after, he didn't know what his go to snacks were when he was hungry or his position on the Quidditch team at Hogwarts. Things that Fathers should know about their sons. He didn't get enough time to know everything, so he clings to the stuff he does know, the memories he does have and tries to get up everyday. He tries to do even better for Phoenix and Marlie, he tries to stay strong and most importantly, he tries to stay sane.
On Zions eighteenth birthday, he loses his last shred of sanity. He gets drunk for the first time in years and he cries like he's never cried before. He knows Marlie and Phoenix are struggling too but he can't do it today. He can't lie, he can't tell them it gets easier and he can't tell them everything is okay because it isn't okay. Nothing is okay.
A world without Zion in it is not okay.
He staggers out of his room, everything is swaying in and out of focus as he walks down the stairs. He grabs another cold beer from the fridge and downs it, he notices the cake on the counter. It's a chocolate volcano cake, various rainbow chocolates spilling out of the top on the base it reads 'Happy 18th Birthday Zion x'.
"It was his favourite cake, we made it together all the time when we were kids."
Sirius turns around to look at Marlie, she's sat at the kitchen table with her arms wrapped around her legs. She looks so small, so tiny and so tired.
"It's the first time I've made it by myself." She whispers, "Nix didn't want to help."
"It looks great." Sirius hiccups, closing his eyes as he tries to steady himself.
Marlie smiles, "I just didn't want people to forget his birthday.."
"No one forgot." Sirius says quickly.
"They wanted to forget though." She says pointedly, nodding at the empty beer bottle in Sirius' hand.
Sirius shakes his head, "No.. we just want to forget the pain."
"Pain is part of healing." Marlie whispers, "Me and Nix can't drink the pain away. We have to feel it.. although I think Nix is-"
"What?" Sirius prompts, his eyes widened, "What's Nix doing?"
"Coping." Marlie mumbles with a flash of anger in her eyes, "He's coping."
Sirius reaches for another beer, he sees the way Marlie looks at him and he pours it down the sink. He gets another one and does the same, he keeps doing until every drop is down the sink. He wasn't going to lose himself again, he couldn't do that to them.
"Thank you." Marlie whispers, offering a small smile, "Do you want cake?"
The two of them stand next to the cake and sing 'Happy Birthday' quietly, Marlie cuts into the cake and gives Sirius a slice. He takes a bite and nods approvingly, making Marlie laugh as he drops crumbs everywhere.
"You're worse than Zion." She says, her smile faltering as she remembered , "He was always messy too."