I dive into the trench underwater. It's all in my mind, so I am not worried about not being able to breathe. All I care about is to reach Elisa before the anchor drowns her even more in this endless abyss.
The only way for me to stop her from drowning is to transfer the anchor to me. So I untangle the chains from Elisa and put it all on me. After that, I release the fish to swim up to the surface, while I carry the chain on my body.
Our eyes blink and we both are back in the infirmary. Our raging breaths are the only things heard in the entire room.
Elisa is calm now, but the warriors are still nervous about letting her go. Everyone is on edge. Even Ganesh, the other healers, and the patients at the door are staring at us intensely.
"What have I done?" Elisa's lips tremble. She transforms back to her human self. All of her previous strength has vanished and the warriors notice that, so they loosen their hold on her. One of the warriors put on a robe to cover Elisa's body because her previous transformation caused her clothes to be all torn up.
She looks at me with so much paleness. Her eyes tremble with horror. And if it wasn't for me holding her face, she would have slumped to the cold floor because all strength just diminished from her entire body.
"Oh, Goddess... what have I done?" Her voice chokes with tears. That ferociousness I saw in her eyes has changed into terror. Her entire body is shaking as I am sure the realization of what she was about to do is sinking in.
I try to keep my voice as neutral as possible. "You had baby blues, Elisa," I say, "My senior healer taught me what it was. It's a form of depression after giving birth. It could happen because of the hormonal changes and mostly, it's associated with the feeling of having sudden heavy responsibilities of raising a child."
Elisa's whimpers shred my heart. She wails in anguish with her breathing getting heavier. Her tears are hot and they stream down her cheeks fast. "No... my baby... Is... is... is he safe?"
The baby has quieted down behind us. Ed must have returned to sleep as soon as all the loud noises died down. "He is fine," I assure her, "He is safe and sound. And he will be fine. You will be fine, too."
"Oh, Goddess..." her tears won't stop pouring, they pool in my hands. "Ohh... Ohh..." She screams her heart out with more tears coming out. But this time, baby Ed does not cry. It seems like the baby knows that his mother is already fine now, and he is not worried anymore.
"It's horrible... I'm horrible... I'm a monster... I... I... I can't raise him on my own. I don't deserve him–"
I pull her face to me lightly, causing her to return her focus to me. "Elisa," I call her name, "Don't go back to that place." Her baby blues started with the fear of not being good enough to raise a baby all by herself. She lost her husband, her support. And suddenly she has to take care of another life who will depend on her.
Those worries spiral into a solid anchor chain that day by day drags her down into a dark abyss without anyone knowing, not even herself understood what was happening inside her.
"You're not alone," I tell her, "You are not stuck or chained. Baby blues or postpartum depression is more common than we think. But most people don't even understand what it is or how to detect them. A lot more people think it's not something serious and neglect to give new mothers the help and support they need."
Elisa shakes her head. "You... you don't understand... I really... really hated my situation at that moment. I even hated my husband for dying all by himself. I... didn't love my baby... all I saw was a burden, and that I... I..."
She grabs my hands as if her life depends on them. "I wanted to kill us both..."
It takes a lot of effort to swallow the heavy lump in my throat. It takes even more effort to prevent my tears from falling.
I wipe Elisa's tears as the warriors let go of her one by one. As soon as the last warrior lets her go, she slumps into my embrace and cries out all the anguish, regret, and fear she has been bottling up inside. Gently, I rock her body and caress her hair.
"It's okay," I whisper, "You're okay now. You're okay."
"I... I'm scared... I'm... I'm... what if I will repeat this... my baby isn't safe with me..."
"I took the chains and anchor from you, Elisa," I say, "All you need to do now is to swim away from that dark trench, you hear me? And we will help you. So don't bottle up your feelings alone. Okay?"
"I don't understand... I was fine... I was happy after Ed was born... But lately... lately I..."
I caress her hair as my eyes lock to Lyall, silently telling him we are both okay. His worried face warms my heart. I can see that his entire body is stiff.
"Although mostly baby blues happen right after giving birth," I say, "Sometimes it got delayed. Generally, it happens in the first eighteen months after giving birth. Perhaps all the responsibilities got to your head after a few months of giving birth. You're a single mom now, with a baby boy, and you might be worried about how to provide for both your child and yourself. You're worried that your boy won't have a good life with you, you're worried that you might be a horrible mother. All those worries pile up and with the hormonal changes after birth, it got to you that Ed is like a burden, a heavy anchor in your life."
Her body has calmed down from all the shaking, but I keep caressing her head. "But it's not true. It's not how you truly think of Ed. It's not. Sometimes the world just puts too much pressure on women and they expect us to be perfect all the time, but we can't."
"But what if... this happens again...?" she sobs on my shoulder. "It's not safe for him to be with me... I'm not safe... I feel like I'm a ticking time bomb..."
My eyes go to everyone in the room, who is looking intently at us. Some of them are watching with teary eyes. Some are clutching their chests. Some are looking at us with worry and pity.
It takes a while for me to tell Elisa my story. But I feel like I have to.
"Almost all females in my pack who managed to give birth had baby blues," I say steadily in a small voice. But since the room is really quiet, everyone can hear me. "They felt depressed because of the hormone changes, the new responsibilities, but also... once a female successfully gave birth, the pack pressured her to keep delivering babies. Their lives became breeding machines."
"The baby blue is worse when a female baby is born," I continue, "My senior healer had it. And... my mother had it too. Because they realize their child will experience the same horrible fate as theirs. My senior healer, Jen, she uh... she hurt herself with poison right after her daughter was born, causing her to be infertile. And my mother... she..."
I gulp the lump that keeps on resurfacing in my throat. My nose is stuffed and my eyes become hot. "She struggled with baby blues right after I was born. It messed up her mind that years after, the depression never left her. I was three years old when she came into my room with a knife. My father told me he tried to stop her, but she then stabbed the knife in her heart." My lips tremble, but I am determined to finish the story, "I didn't remember much of her. But I knew she never got the help she needed. Everyone else only pressured her to give birth to another child and, aside from Jen, everyone thought she had 'female hysteria' and rolled their eyes. I knew she loved me, regardless of what happened. The world just didn't give her a break."
Elisa's sobs burst again on my shoulder. This time, my sobs explode, too. Here we are, two women from different species, hugging each other, and crying together for the sad truth about being females.
We give and give and give. Yet our capability to give is taken for granted by the rest of the world. And, when we finally snap... instead of helping us, the world casts judgment on us.
"But you..." I say between my sobs, "It's not too late for you. If you love Ed, get the help you need." My eyes move to Ganesh, who nods at me in understanding. "I'm sure the royal healers have psychiatrists you can go to. And in the meantime, your baby will be taken care of. I promise you this."
Elisa grips my sleeves tighter. "Will... they take my baby away from me?"
There is no question within me. "I will make sure you can be reunited with Ed again. For now, just focus on getting better."
Finally, Elisa nods in my embrace. I continue to hold her on the infirmary floor until her tears are dry. All the while, Ed sleeps without trouble. And the ones whispering before have changed their words into, 'It's not her magic. It's baby blues. I never knew about it before.' 'Her story in her old pack is so sad... Then again, even in this kingdom, I think cases of baby blues are likely to be overlooked too...'
I shut out all of their words. All I focus on is to hold this poor woman and make sure that after this, she will get the help she needs.
Ganesh takes over after some time. He orders the healers to take Ed to another room, then he personally delivers Elisa out of the infirmary to visit the best psychiatrist in the kingdom, which is an old friend of Ganesh.
Deep down, I promise to myself to visit Elisa every day until she feels better. But for now... for now...
My gaze catches Lyall. I think only he can see the panic behind my eyes out of everyone in the room. He extends his hand and without thinking, I grab him as if my life depends on it. Saying nothing else, we both walk out of the room at a fast pace. Lyall doesn't even care to return the greetings the people give him as we walk.
He leads me into his room. It was the first time he would see what I have done to his room. But instead of being shocked by the state of the room, his eyes are only focused on me. It also doesn't help that once I get inside, I run to the toilet and vomit.
Lyall holds back my hair as he has done before. But today, it's not only nausea that is attacking me. Not only do I puke my guts out, but I also can't help to sob hysterically.
"Hey, hey, hey," Lyall pulls me into his embrace. But I can't stop the sobs. I grip his shirt tightly as he brushes my hair. "Oh, Mars... you mirrored Elisa's emotions to yourself, didn't you?"
I sob and at the same time, I try to take gulps of breath now and then. "It's the only way... I had to take her... sadness... her hatred... her fear... I took them all..."
Suddenly, I am back in that dark trench under the sea. I look up to see Elisa's fish swimming away. But as I look down, I see the chains around me. That anchor is now dragging me down to the darkness.
My feet thrust to pull me up to the surface, but the anchor is just so heavy... It's supposed to be just in my mind, but my mouth lets out bubbles of air, which means I have been suffocating.
I am drowning. And I keep going down and down and down...
Until I hear a splash of water far above me. My eyes are closing, but I see a flash of glowing emerald. Suddenly, my entire body is wrapped in a warm embrace. The next thing I know, I am swimming up. Something or someone is helping me to reach the surface.
I take a huge gulp of air as I open my eyes to a pair of emerald eyes. Those eyes look at me with so much worry.
"Breathe," he whispers. I find myself coughing and taking gulps of air as if I had been drowning.
When I realize I am nestled in Lyall's embrace, I know then that it was Lyall who saved me from drowning. He took me to the surface even with the anchor weighing me down. I don't know how it was possible, but he did.
"Lyall..." my sobs return as I grip his shirt even harder. "What if I will try to hurt my baby, too? What if it happens to me, too?"
Lyall's hand goes to my stomach. He caresses it gently as he stares deep into my soul. "Then I will pull you up from drowning again. No matter how heavy the anchor is, I am strong enough," he says, "I won't let anything happen to your baby."
His answer calms me immediately.
But then I blink.
And blink again.
Wait... huh?
–to be continued–