"What?" The lycan king blinks for the second time. "It's your birthday?"
I nod, pleased that the distraction seems to work. Putting on my doe-liked eyes, I say, " I know it's not that important, but if I can just have cheese, I would be grateful."
He blinks again. Third time.
"If this is your way to distract me," his voice is low, yet it is not as intimidating as it was before, "it won't work. Though I applaud you for lying about your birthday."
My lips pucker, "Why would I lie about my own birthday?"
He softens his grip on my jaw. "To distract me from getting the name of the person filling your mind with lies?" One corner of his lips quirks upward. He is finding this amusing.
"Or filling my mind with truths you don't want me to know."
His amusement and small smirk, however, die down as soon as I say those words. I can see veins popping on his hands, yet his grip on my jaw doesn't tighten. "Do you believe what they said about me?"
My eyes widen, because... Lyall said it in such a broken voice. I am shocked to ever hear this kind of tone from Lyall. At that moment, I look into Lyall's eyes and I see shards of glass in them, making his emerald eyes glisten a bit in the dimly lit room. The way his eyes quiver strikes my chest deeply.
It's like he's hurt.
And I don't want him to hurt. So, I open my mouth, "I don't believe them... yet. That's why I asked Ganesh. I want to hear his opinion first before I decide on anything."
"Why not just come straight to me, Mars?" he asks, still in that broken voice. "Why don't you ask me instead?"
I stay quiet for a while, and that is enough to answer for him. "You don't think I will tell the truth."
"It's not that," I immediately say. "You wouldn't understand."
"Then make me understand."
I try to pull my jaw from his hand because I can no longer stare into his eyes. But he wouldn't let go of me.
"Make me understand, Mars," he repeats in a lower tone, with more authority. As if he is commanding me. And my natural instinct is to follow his words. Because he is the lycan king. Because in the language that werewolves understand, he is the Alpha.
"I don't want to cross you," I say slowly. "It was just some rumors I overheard somewhere." My mind goes to Sky, but I don't want to let Lyall know about him. Finding out that all this time, Lyall thinks Sky has died is already a tremendous shock for me. Moreover, knowing the possibility that Lyall tried to murder Sky has made me fear for my baby's life.
Maybe it's hormones, maybe it's not. But my anxiety has reached a level I have never experienced. Here I am, a werewolf girl, alone and pregnant, in a foreign kingdom with no solid allies as of yet. The only thing keeping me alive that allows me to dream of a better future for both my baby and me is the king's unpredictable affection towards me.
If people don't know the context, they would immediately assume that I am the king's whore. Maybe I already am, in a sense, a whore. The word "muse" is just a fancier name for a prostitute, right?
That's why I jumped at the opportunity to be a healer. But until I can shed my title as the lycan king's muse and make a title of my own, I don't feel safe to let down the walls guarding my heart. And with what I have been hearing, rumors or not, lies or not, I don't want to risk my baby's safety.
I only have myself to protect myself and my baby.
'But he's our mate,' Sasha protests.
'That's exactly why I am more afraid, Sash,' I hope my wolf will understand my hesitancy. 'If I was only a tool to break his curse, it would be a different story. But the mate bond... It can either bring the best or the worse of us canines. Possessiveness, domination, feral lust.'
'Or love, care, and deep understanding that you won't have with anyone else.' To my disappointment, Sasha is still hellbent on trusting Lyall with our baby secret.
'I had those things with Ed,' I say, 'It's enough for me.'
Sasha becomes quiet after that. She stops trying to sway my decision. But before she retreats to the deepest recess of our consciousness, she says something that sends chills all over my body. 'Isn't it high time you stop fooling yourself? You chose Ed for survival.'
I freeze on the spot.
If it isn't for Lyall standing in front of me, I would drag that insolent wolf out again to teach her a lesson.
Lies!
She shouldn't say those things.
We were happy. Ed made us happy, content, and safe. He gave us a good life. He was my best friend. So, how dare Sasha taint those wonderful memories with careless words like that!
"Mars... Mars!" Lyall calls me back to reality and I blink a few times to focus on him.
"Where did you hear those rumors?" he asks once he is sure I have returned my attention to him.
"Uh... Well, I heard bits of your conversation with Athena, Roy, and Albus. And then I heard people talk... everywhere. Adina is famous, right? She has many followers. So, obviously, some people don't look at me fondly."
At the mention of Adina's name, Lyall's eyes return fifty shades darker than before. His surrounding aura is even heavier than when I mentioned Duncan's name. I get a sense that he doesn't like the fact that I have learned of her name.
"But the rumors about me killing Adina's son, " Lyall presses on, "where or from who did you hear it?"
Feeling more uncomfortable, I try to avoid eye contact with the king. But his grip on my jaw never loosened, forcing me to have to stare at his stormy green eyes. There is no escape for me.
I gulp hard.
"Does it matter where or from who I heard it?" I blurt out, "What I think of you doesn't matter anyway."
His eyes widen, even if it's only for a fraction of a second. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"I mean," I rack my brain, trying to figure out how can I say this without putting a foot on my mouth. "Our arrangement is for me to make you feel. It doesn't matter if I think you are a villain or not."
The hairs on the back of my neck arise as soon as Lyall's eyes become a few shades even darker. His green eyes almost become black in front of me, with a feral intensity that would make anyone paralyzed in fear. My natural instinct is to make myself appear smaller, to disappear from his piercing emerald gaze.
I've said something wrong. I know it.
How can I tell him about my baby if I can't even organize my words without making him look at me like he wants to kill me?
He lets go of my chin and I exhale a relief sigh as I cast my eyes downward, away from his predatory eyes. I feel like a hare being hunted by a wolf, even though I am a werewolf.
"Tell me then," he says, "and no matter what you answer, as long as you're not lying, nothing will happen to you. I promise with my life." His tone is low. But deep down, I hear his voice breaking a little despite his gaze still being several shades darker than normal.
"What if...," he straightens his body, staring down at me still with that predatory gaze, "What if I did kill a boy?"
Then I will probably never tell you about my baby. I will keep it a secret until I can be sure no one will harm her. That is what I want to answer. But of course, I don't say it out loud.
What I instead reply is, "You must have your own reason, and it happened in the past, before I came."
He scoffs in a dark tone. Everything about him exudes darkness, and the room is getting colder. "What a diplomatic answer," he sneers, "So, in other words, you'll think of me as a villain?"
It takes quite some effort to gulp the heavy lump in my throat. With a lot of courage, I look up into his eyes. Honestly, I feel a little scared now. An hour ago, he worshipped my body, but now, I feel like one more wrong word would cost me my neck.
"Why... did you... kill the boy...?" My tongue is really stiff but I manage to ask one whole question.
Instead of an answer, I get a cold response from the lycan king, "What does it matter why I killed the boy? You'll still think of me as a villain, anyway."
I open my mouth to say something but the lycan king cuts me off, "Don't lie, Mars. You know you've considered me a villain even before you asked Ganesh."
What shocks me is not his words, but that the intensity in his eyes has faded into disappointment. It's like I have let him down and it's such a heavy anchor weighing on my chest knowing that. The fear I had of him dissipated so easily when I see how he is hurting at being seen as a villain.
But... why won't he just explain why he tried to kill the boy to me? Why won't he just tell me his side of the story?
"If I am a villain to you," he says, "there is no helping it." Then he cracks into a peal of pained laughter.
"But, shit!" he curses, "Even when you see me as the bad guy, you make me feel so much. It's crazy!" Lyall grips the shirt on his chest.
He looks at me straight into my eyes. "At moments like this," he spits out the words like venom, "I wish I could just kick you out of my kingdom. I wish I could just give you back to your worthless Alpha feeling nothing."
My heart lurches to the ground as panic courses through my body like a shooting star. My lips and hands quiver immediately.
"Lyall, please... anything but..."
"Stop!" he cries out as he slams his palm to the headboard next to my head with a loud bang. His strength causes a hole in the wooden headboard. One inch closer and it would have been my head, smashed into pulps.
I sit there, frozen in place, with my heart going what seems like hundreds of beats per minute. My hands automatically go to my stomach to protect my child. I almost forget to breathe as the lycan king keeps glaring at me with his bloodshot green pupils imbued with hurt.
I am scared. But I am also confused about how things turn out the way they are.
Imagine what could have happened if I told him about my baby instead, if he is already reacting like this, knowing that I think of him as a villain.
He is unpredictable. And he is unsafe for my baby.
"Stop," his voice has become an audible whisper, broken in many ways. But he grits his teeth in anger, "Don't look at me like that."
I notice a myriad of emotions brewing like hurricanes inside his eyes. For someone who has been cursed to not feel anything, it must have been confusing to him, too. In a way, I pity him. It must have been hard to have to learn to control a lot of emotions at once after years of being numb. And that explains his unpredictability.
Emotional management takes practice. It takes years and experience to hone them.
"Never look at me like that again," he orders in a small voice. "Whether or not you think of me as a villain, Never. Let. Me. See. That. Face. Ever. Again." Lyall speaks with emphasis on every word.
He hates knowing I think of him as the bad guy. And now I know he hates seeing me fear him.
But... how can one not be afraid of this lycan king?
Lyall withdraws his hand from the headboard. Then, saying nothing else, he walks out of the room, leaving me alone, confused, with a broken headboard and a torn heart.
A few minutes after Lyall is gone, my heart is still pacing wildly when I see the silhouette of the boy appearing slowly in front of me. His red eyes look at me with pity. "Are you okay?" he whispers to the chilly night air.
My lips quiver into a sob I didn't realize I have been holding in. But I manage to control my face and swallow down the tears. "Yes," I whisper back, with a bitter taste in my mouth, "I'll be fine."
Later at night, however, a maid delivers a variety of cheese to me with a note from Lyall that says, "Happy birthday. From your villain." It brings a smile to my face, knowing that Lyall still remembers my birthday. It brings hope to me that everything will be fine. That I can fix my relationship with Lyall and be in his good grace again.
I honestly dread the moment Lyall would come back to the room. In my head, I have run through many versions of apologies. I even thought of offering my magic to ease his stiff arm first and thought of light topics to discuss. Nothing about Adina. Nothing about Sky.
But he never comes back. He never returns to his room at all.
Instead, the boy keeps me company with small talks, and we play several games of chess. I withhold myself from asking about Sky's mother and more details about his birth, despite my raging curiosity. I just need to have a break from everything for a while. Sky also seems more than happy to talk about something else.
For days, I have woken up to an empty and cold bed next to me. Lyall's scent has even started to fade in the room, proof that he has not returned since that night.
Even when I have returned to the academy, he has not returned at all despite it being his room. I start my session with Lola to try to activate her lycan side after every academic activity. In three days, we have managed to make her able to drop her fangs. And in return, Lola has given me tips and information about living an academic life, even introducing me to her friends.
We have not visited Fidre Village since that day. All activities have been held in the academy building and are a lot calmer so far. But Duncan has been taking the time to visit me in the academy. First, he visits me to thank me because the king increased the supplies delivered to the village. Then the next visits... I am pretty sure he is courting me.
I keep looking at the sky whenever Duncan takes me on a walk in the academy garden, hoping to see an eagle flying above me, like a stupid person.
No eagles.
It's like Lyall doesn't even try to watch over me anymore.
And I just realized... it aches my heart.
–to be continued–