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JUNGKOOK POV
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'1,2,3 step...ah, hit 1,2,3 step.'
Again
'1,2,3 step..ah'
"Shit!" I shout in frustration, as I mess up the choreography again. My breathing ragged and rough, my body feels heavy and stiff. Standing alone in this empty studio, staring helplessly at my pathetic self in the mirror that is meant for more than one person. I drop my head in defeat, as my mind becomes clouded of thoughts of Mina. My heart and soul yearn for her, but how am I meant to face her after everything that's happened?. I'm scared she will push me further and further away. When all I want to do is hold her tightly in my arms, I want to feel her, I want to be with her. But I know, I'm asking for the impossible. I know that my selfishness will only cause our situation to become more difficult.
A month or so has passed and Mina and I haven't had a chance to speak about that day. It's frustrating, but I guess for the time being, it's for the best. I tried speaking with Mina a few days after what happened, thinking a few days was a reasonable amount of time to let things settle. But she proved me wrong when she asked for more time, than I was willing to give. In spite of my own wants, I agreed to wait until she was ready. Counting down the days, hopefully that everyday prior to today was the day she would cave and message me. And with each passing day, with nothing, I could feel it slowly chipping away at my heart. I just wish she would message me at least, surely she must know how much this is effecting me, just as much as it is her.
Me and Sana, I see and hear from her every now again. Mostly in passing, or when she needs to pick up some of her things or just minor things. I get the odd text here and there, from her calling me all the names under the sun. I deserve it, so I don't bother replying back trying to defend myself. But then I get the odd text from her asking if we can talk about things. I reply and say yes, because I know that she wants closure and if I can smooth things out with her, I hope it might make things a little less harder for Mina. Twice I've tried to be civil with Sana, but it never lasts, we end up arguing, with her not liking my truths to her questions. I know she is hurting, I know. But there is only so much I can tolerate too.
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FLASH BACK
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A week has passed since the a bomb exploded within my life. Sana finding out that it was Mina who gave me the Hickey.
I'm sitting at the table, while I have a quick breakfast, before starting my day. It's already 9:28am and I've overslept. Lucky for me, it's a day off and I don't actually have any plans besides going for my run and maybe just coming home and sort through my emails. Nothing special. Suddenly my phone begins to ring and without even checking who it is. I answer straight away. Hoping the other person on the other end is Mina.
"Hello?" I say, still oblivious to who it is calling.
"Hey, are you free to talk?" Then like a snap of a finger, My heart sinks, at the realisation its not Mina. "Um, sure." I say disappointed. "Is it okay if we can talk in person?" Sana asks hesitantly.
I pause for a second contemplating. But even though I contemplate. I say "Okay."
"Okay, I'll be over in 30 minutes." Sana says before hanging up the phone.
30 minutes pass and I hear a knock at the door. I open it to find Sana standing there. "Hey, come in." I say, slightly moving aside giving her space to come in. As she enters, I shut the door and I turn just as I see her walking into the kitchen and taking a seat at the kitchen table. I walk over to where she is and sit across from me. My mind is reeling to know what it is that she wants to speak to me about. I guess it has to do with me and Mina, but what exactly, that's what I want to know. We both avoid eye contact, as we sit in silence listening to the ticking sound of the clock.
The awkwardness grows and I can't bare it anymore. "What is it you want to talk about?" I ask, watching her slowly lift her head to look at me. I can see the dark circles under her eyes and I can tell she hasn't been sleeping. Which is no surprise at all, I'm sure she is seeing the same when looking at me.
"I don't want to fight or argue, I just want to know why!~" Her gaze locked on me.
"You cheat o-"
"I never cheated!" Interrupting her. She stiffens, eyes narrowing. "You break up with me and the same day you sleep with my best friend! What a fucking coincidence!" Her voice stern, accusing. "My entire presence within this house, our home hadn't even gone cold yet. My things, our things, the things hold memories that we created together, our fucking photo's were still hanging on the walls!" She's hurting and rightfully so, I hear it in her voice, I see it on her face. Her eyes glazing with the tears she is fighting to keep at bay. I take it all in, even though she said she doesn't want to fight, I accept her anger, I accept it all.
I drop my gaze slightly, submissive to her anger, her anger that I deserve. I want to speak, but I'm speechless. "Why Jungkook? Why?~" Her voice softer. I need to say something, I need to give her answers, that's the whole reason she is here. I'm fighting internally with how much I can be truly honest with her, without brutally destroying her. Except, I know that whatever I say is going to destroy her mentally, emotionally and physically.
I lift my gaze, locking once again with hers. "I'm in love with her Sana." I confess. Suddenly, the tears she was fighting back, now flow freely down her face. The words of my confession are most likely repeating over and over again in her head. I watch as her shoulders droop and her breathing becoming more and more rapid. "I'm sorry for the way you found out and I'm sorry for hurting you, I really am." Sana scoffs, she doesn't believe me.
I drop my gaze from her, knowing what I am about to say next is going to be hurt her even more than my confession. I ball my hands together clenching tightly. "As much as I am sorry for hurting you and the way you found out. I do not regret it!" I hear her breath getting caught in the back of her throat. "I love you Sana" "Fuck you!" She hisses, making me want to laugh, but I quickly suppress the urge.
"If you love me, why did we break up? and then sleep with Mina?!"
"I'm not lying when I say I love you, it's the truth. It's just, what I feel for you and what I feel for Mina are two different sorts of love. I don't know how to properly explain it or describe it. Our love was unique and unexpected. We were friends for years and then one day it occurred to me that being with you just made sense. We understood each other, from our work life to our private lives. You understood me in a way that, not even I knew. You saw me, you looked at me, for me. And I fell for you and I fell hard. You were the encouraging force that always kept me grounded." A weak smile caresses my lips, as I remember her kindness. "But, these last few months, feelings that I thought I had let die, came rushing back and I crumbled. The first time we had ever truly talked we were having dinner at Jimin and Mina's place, I got so wasted, I woke up with the worst hangover." I pause, realizing the significance. "That was the night I swore to bury the love I had for her. She was my most epic love, my forbidden love, and, she was my first love. I'm so sorry, Sana. I swear, when we made things official everything I felt for you was genuine, our time we shared together, all of it was real." I confess. "But I couldn't keep lying to myself, I couldn't keep lying to you, even though you had no idea. So I couldn't bear it anymore. I love her Sana. I'm in love with her." I watch as Sana soaks up everything I just said. Her tears are no more, all I see if pure and utter hatred. "I fucking hate you! you disgusting pig!" She spits.
"You are a lying piece of shit! You never loved me, I was just second best to your most EPIC LOVE! Are you fucking kidding me!" Eyes narrowing, "I was the love that loved you! I gave you everything and this is the shit you throw back at me!"
The sound of my heart roaring in my ears. "You disgust me, the both of you do. I will never forgive you, either of you! The both of you can go rot in hell!" Her words like venom. She stares me down, before getting up and leaving.
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END FLASH BACK
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All of a sudden I hear the creaking of the studio door open, snapping my eyes to see RM walking in. He looks at me a little concerned, as he shuts the door behind him. "What's going on?" RM speaks in a firm, yet calming voice. I look at him as he approaches me, shaking my head "I just can't seem to get this count."
RM looks at me with a dissatisfied glare, and sighs. "You and I both know that isn't what I was meaning. I know about what happened between Mina and Jimin, and that she has been living with you Sana. I mean 'was', I know Sana is living with Jeongyeon now. So what's going on? and this time the real answer."
There is no way to avoid the barrage of questions, and I know for a fact that RM is not going to leave until I've literally spilled my guts.
Letting out a massive sigh, bowing my head, turning away from RM. I make my way towards the back of the studio. Pausing just a few seconds, before I slightly turn to lean my back up against the wall, sliding down, plonking on to the floor. "I guess there isn't really any use hiding the truth from you, is there?" I defeatedly smile. As I raise my knees, stopping just inches from my chest, I sluggishly rest my elbows on top. RM plonks himself next to me, mimicking my posture, not saying a word. Which, I instantly knew he wasn't going to speak until I said everything I needed to say. I know he will soak everything up and then lay it on me thick once he knows the entirety of my fuck up. Which I don't know if I am ready to hear it, but regardless of what he is about to say to me, I'll take it on the chin.
I draw in a deep breath "I fucked up!" I confess, shaking my head. "Take your time, I already told the others to go home, so just say what is on your mind." As minutes, then hours passed, I completely poured my heart and soul out to RM. Beginning with my feelings that I have always harboured towards Mina, what happened between Jimin and Mina, to Mina moving in, Sana and I breaking up and the evening Mina and I shared together. I let everything out, not holding back with anything. RM didn't say a peep, he just sat there, listening to all my pathetic excuses. I watched as his expression shifted between curiosity, shock, disappointment and then understanding. But I could tell that the understanding was not for my reasoning, but understanding the situation that I have put myself in.
Silence falls and I feel the anguish build as I patiently wait from RM to say something anything. "So Sana knows?" I know this is a rhetorical question, but I nod regardless. He lets out a frustrating sigh and I can feel his disappointment in me, making me stiffen with anticipation.
"Honestly this whole situation is fucked up and quite frankly I don't know what to say to you. As your leader, I want to figure out a solution that will make this better for you and everyone involved. But speaking as your older brother.... I want to beat the living shit out of you, for being such an idiot. Yes, you broke up with Sana, and yes, technically you didn't cheat on Sana, I get that. But, seriously on the same day you want to hook up with her best friend!" His words ringing in my ears. "You of all people, knew what Jimin put Mina through. And you! regardless of the differences in how things went about, you did exactly that to Sana. What Jimin put Mina through, you put Sana through!" I know I fucked up majorly, yet, hearing it from someone else hits me so deep I can feel the guilt stirring within me, adding to the lump that's already embedded. I open my mouth to say something, but the words get stuck in the back of my throat, so I shout my mouth and just wait for RM to once again speak and draw away this suffocating silence. I drop my head into the heel of my palms, feeling defeated. That is when I feel the warmth from RM's touch on my shoulder. "I am going to ask you the same question I asked Jimin." I wait in anticipation. "Do you regret what you did?" I snap my head up and stare directly at him with purpose. "I don't regret anything, I feel guilty, but I will never regret what happened with me and Mina." RM holds my gaze, a slight smile creeping across his lips.
Suddenly, the warmth from his touch is gone and he looks away from me and laughs, tilting his head back. Taking me by surprise. I watch him regain his compose and then he gathers himself up off the floor and walks towards the exit. I'm sitting here confused, he just laughs and walks away? is that the end of this conversation? "Is that it?" I ask confused. RM stops, just as he cracks the door open a smidge. He doesn't look back, "There isn't anything that I can say or suggest that will influence your choice. I can tell from your answer alone that you already know what you want. Your resolve is already evident to me, weather you know it or not. I still think you're an idiot and I still want to kick your ass, don't get me wrong. Yet, despite all of that, despite what I or anyone else thinks, only you can put your own heart at ease." I open my mouth to answer. But before I could, without waiting for my response RM walks out, disappearing down the hallway. Leaving me to ponder over his words.
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MINA POV
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Another drill session, JYP and our choreographer are tightening down on our practices. With only day's before we perform, we are no where near what is expected of us. With the tension between me, Sana and Momo, just a slight look or even a word spoken could cause a cat fight. Despite mutually agreeing that we wouldn't let anything interfere with our job. Which is easier said that done. It's super exhausting to maintain a civil interaction with each other when we are literally portrayed to the world as being closer than real family, and for a time it was true. It's just not the case anymore.
"Mina, Isolate your movements. Keep your arm's sharp and tight. You're all over the place."
I breathe a sigh of frustration. 1..2..3... I count myself back into the routine. After the excruciating rehearsal, it finally comes to and end. The breath in my lungs come out ragged, my throat dry, needing water. I beeline towards my water bottle, just as I am about to bend down and pick in up I hear the door open. and I stern voice emitting through, "Mina, can I speak with you please?" I stop in my tracks, contemplating weather to grab my water bottle first or leaving it. But because I could come to a conclusion "Now!". I flinch as the tone of voice, send my a shiver down my spine. I turn, facing the door to see Jay Park glaring at me. I quickly move, following just a few steps behind as we both make our way into the hallway.
"Lately you haven't been yourself. Day dreaming in practice, messing up the choreo. Everyone is noticing, and its starting to really piss me off! This shit that is going between you, Momo and Sana, sort it out before the show or I will sort it out myself, and What happens next, neither of you will like!" I go to open my mouth, but the words get caught in my throat. I tear my eyes away from the glaring eyes of Jay Park, bowing my head, clinched fist and nod in agreement. My heart stirring, as the brutal words searing deep within my memory. "I shouldn't come as a shock to you, but Sana has asked to have you kicked out." My heart thundering in my ears. "I was the one that said no, but if you continue to lose focus or cause anymore problems. I will be forced to make changes that are better suited for the minority." I snap my bewildered eyes to Jay Park. There was no remorse or sympathy that stared back, I mean what did I expect, this whole mess was my own doing. Jay Park turned on his heels and left without so much as speaking another word and it was in that precise moment that I knew there was no more lifeline's for me. I wanted to crumble to floor, feeling my knees weaken, wanting to give out, wanting to buckle. Yet, my pride was fighting to keep me upright, to keep me from sinking. Just breathe, just breathe, just breathe.
After having a few minutes to gather my thoughts, I steeled my emotions, as I turned on my heels and re-entered the practice room. Even though the girls were facing with their backs me, it was hard to miss the curiosity of their piercing stares through the mirror. Just breathe Mina.
"Mina, get back into formation and focus."
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TIME SKIP 1 Hour
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After more and more mistakes on my part, our Choreographer decided that we should call it a day. My limbs feel heavy, my heart drumming against my chest wanting to escape and I'm sweating in places that I never knew I could sweat from. I stumble over to my water bottle, utterly exhausted and down the last remaining gulps of water.
"Mina" A turn towards the direction of my name being called out. "Do you want to come with us to get something to eat?" Nayeon cheerfully asks, as she gestures to the others standing behind her. I subtly scan who could be going, until my gaze snags on Sana glaring at me. Making me drop me gaze from hers. I look back and Nayeon. "It's okay, I think I'll pass." I say apologetically, forcing a smile. "Oh~ Um okay. I guess next time?" she replies, hopeful. She gives me a smile, as her and other exit the room, leaving me alone. I gather my belongings to leave as well. When my phone starts to ring. Rummaging through my bag, I grasp my phone, pulling it out to see who it could be.
**Cookie**
My heart feels like it's come to a complete stop. Why is he calling me? I told him I needed space and I would call him when I was ready, so why? I stare blankly at my phone. What do I do? Do I let it go to voice message, do I answer it?. My mind is chaotic, I feel dizzy. Then it stops. I missed the call. maybe it was by mistake, I stare at my phone for what feels like an eternity. And just when I thought it could be a mistake, he's calling again. What do I do? Then again during my inner turmoil I let it go straight to voice message. I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm ready to speak with him yet. Closing my eyes, I raise my free hand over my chest, checking if my heart is still beating. Still beating, a sigh of relief escapes from my lips. I open my eyes and laugh to at my stupidity, of course it would still be beating. I slowly open my eyes and just as I do. My phone sounds again, startling me, this time it's a text message. It's from Cookie.
"Hey, I know I said I would wait until you were ready. I was calling to ask if we can meet and talk? And I miss you." It reads.
Once again, I'm staring at my phone. But the words that snag my attention are the last three 'I miss you.' My heart flutters, but is quickly shunned by the sadness of guilt and a sharp isolated pain sneers my heart.
I don't want to admit it, but I miss him too. Suddenly I feel a cool sensation cascade down my cheek, I miss him. I drop my head into my palms. I know it's wrong to miss him and I've spent this last month trying to push these feeling away. Yet, just seeing that he misses me too, brings back all the emotions I've been struggling to suppress. Most days my mind wonders to that evening spent tangled within Cookies embrace, the way we felt in that moment, the way his and my body fit perfectly together. I brush away my tears and begin to type.
A/N: I am so sorry this has taken me so long to write. I'm currently working on the next chapter and I will start by trying to make it up to you that have stuck around to seeing the continuation of this story. Thank you