Break my soul in two looking for you
But you're right here
If I can't relate to you anymore
Then who am I related to?
~
They told me "Kill what's killing you," but now I'm all alone
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"You've scared off everyone." ("Everyone everyone everyone everyone everyone everyone.")
"Don't. No, I haven't."
"Right." ("Right right right.") "You've killed off some of them too."
"No. Don't. Don't say that."
Mylo leans down over me. "Why? It's true."
Liar. Liar. He doesn't know. "Shut up."
"Vander, Claggor, me, and now Silco. And Vi knows you're crazy. You thought she wouldn't know?"
"I had to."
"No, you chose to." ("Chose to chose to.") "Everything you do, you choose."
Liar liar liar liar. Shut up shut up shut up, shut up shut up shut up. He doesn't know.
"Nice job, Jinx."
"Shut up. Shut up! Don't call me that—"
"Powder?"
"Shut up!"
Mylo's face winks out and is replaced by Vi's, not quite so close to mine, and something squeezes my hand. "Powder. Powder, it's okay, it's just me—"
She's not real. She wouldn't be here. She wouldn't call me Powder. "Shut up and leave me alone!"
I curl my fingers around the thing on my hand and scratch at it with my nails. It jumps off, but when I try to sit up, cold grips my wrists and turns my arms the wrong way. I look and find the glint of metal. She's locked me up again, her and that enforcer— she'll have needles, and she'll set my veins on fire, but it can't be real, but I thought that last time and it was.
I'm stronger this time, so I kick. There's nothing. She tells me to stop, and I follow her voice, sweeping my leg out to the side. Then she's sitting at the end of my table, holding both of my ankles down. There's a sheet covering me like at a morgue. A wobbly feeling runs through my head and down to my feet and I can't kick anymore, so I scream instead.
"Powder," she yells over me. "Stop fighting. Nobody's gonna do anything to you. I'm not doing anything to you. You're safe."
"You're not real! Get out!"
"Of course I'm real! Look around. This is where Ekko lives. I took you here because you're safe here."
Liar liar liar liar. Ekko is dead. I killed him. He would never take me in. It's not real.
"Vi? What's she doing? Do you need help? Everybody's up."
That's Ekko's voice.
"You can come in," Vi says. "Get rid of the others. She's fine."
Wood creaks, and I turn to peek with the corner of my eye. Ekko. She sees him too.
There are no colors, except the ones there are meant to be, and nothing moves besides the two of them. It's all calm.
"See?" Vi says. "You're safe."
It can't be real. I still have cuffs on my wrists. But the thing under me feels too soft to be a table, and her grip on my ankles feels a lot like the thing on my hand before. She wouldn't hold my hand. It can't be real.
Ekko comes closer, looking at me sideways like I looked at him. "They have weapons," he tells Vi. "Outside. On the ground. And I won't make them put them down, either. But they won't use them unless I give the order."
"Then don't give the fucking order," Vi says.
"I'm not promising that."
"She's just scared. Look at her. She hasn't eaten in days— she's not a threat, at least not now. She can't even kick."
I drop my head back down so I'm flat on the not-table. I can too kick. I just need a second.
"Can we talk to her?" Ekko asks. "Or is she just gonna sit there and cry?"
"I don't know. Are you listening, Powder? Can we talk?"
I didn't know I was crying. "Don't call me that."
"I won't call you Jinx."
"Then I won't talk."
"Call her Jinx," says Ekko.
"She's not a jinx."
"It's her name, and we sort of need to have some amount of communication with her."
Vi scowls at him, and keeps scowling when she looks back at me. "Fine. Do you remember what happened, Jinx?"
I scowl back and don't respond.
"You kidnapped me and Caitlyn last night and tried to make me shoot her. You killed Silco. You blew up the Council building and most of the councilors and knocked yourself out."
"Too bad you didn't blow yourself up too," Mylo says.
"Shut up," I say through my teeth.
"You can't just pretend it didn't happen," Vi says.
"I wasn't talking to you."
She looks at Ekko. He shakes his head. "So you remember?" she asks me. I nod. "Well, now we're about to go to war with Topside. They're looking for you. It's probably in your best interest to be quieter."
I laugh. "Why doesn't your girlfriend just tell them where I am?"
"She's helping us hide you."
"Aw. I bet you thought that was super-duper sweet."
Everything shakes. Ekko stands over me, snarling, his hand pressed against the not-table beside my head. "Maybe consider that Caitlyn, Vi, me, and all of the Firelights are risking our necks for you. If you get caught, we're all dead."
"Back up," Vi says sharply.
"We saved her damn life."
The chain on my left handcuff still rattles from his movement, sending little pieces of light through the air. "You shouldn't have bothered," I say. "I don't need you."
"You would have died," Vi says. "He's right about that."
"Then maybe you should have let me."
"Too bad, because we didn't. We saved you, and you're here, and we're gonna figure out a way to live from now on. And you're gonna participate. Do you hear me?" ("Do you hear me? Do you hear me?")
Why did you leave me?
Because you're a jinx! Do you hear me? Mylo was right.
"You don't want this." I'm crying again. Shut up. I'm not weak. I'm not weak. I don't need her. I don't need them. Shut up shut up shut up. "You don't want a life with me. You wanted to let me die."
"That's not true." Her eyes are wide, flickering from me to Ekko and back. Her fingers tremble on my legs. "That's not true, Powder."
I take my opening and aim another kick at her. She's surprised for a second, then tightens her hold, putting all of her weight into it so I feel like the sheet over me has turned to iron. I sit up, and she leans forward, and we end up nose to nose.
"You locked me up," I hiss. "You don't trust me."
"You're damn right, I don't."
"You saved me so you could hurt me. You want to control me. You want to get back at me."
"No, I saved you because you're my baby sister."
"You locked me up."
"You're a war criminal who shoots people and demolishes buildings and causes pain for fun. The first thing you do when you're scared or angry is try to destroy something. You asked me to murder an innocent person just because you were fucking jealous. I'd have to be insane not to lock you up."
I can hear clamoring outside and Ekko backs away toward the door.
"If you let anyone in here, Ekko, I will treat them as an enemy," Vi says, still looking straight at me. Her eyes are blue, but bleached silver by the night. I had blue eyes before. I liked them.
"I was gonna go cool them down and let you have a moment. If I hear you yell again, I'll treat her as an enemy."
"Fuck you, Ekko."
"Fuck you too, Vi."
I can feel it when he's gone. Somehow, it makes the prickles on my skin race even faster.
"I brought you here so you can start over," Vi says. "But until you've proven that you're willing to do that, I can't just set you free. There are too many people at stake."
"I'm not starting over. You should turn me in."
"But I won't, and I'll tape your mouth shut if you try it yourself." She sits back, keeping the iron grip. "Here's the deal," she says. "You're borderline defenseless. I know you're strong— or you will be, once you're not starving— but without your weapons, you're not stronger than me. You're gonna be watched at all times. You'll have no chance to pull your usual shit. So if you don't want to start over, okay, but you're not going back either. Live with it.
"And that's not some revenge scheme, whether you believe it or not. I don't operate like you do. I'm doing this because I care about you, and I care about Ekko, and the Firelights, and the Undercity, and... Caitlyn. It's always been my job to protect you. If I have to protect you from yourself, I will."
"Your job is to protect me?" I sniffle once and force my face into a sneer. "I never would have guessed."
All at once, she leaps off me and goes for the door. "I'm getting you food. You're still surrounded, so don't try anything while I'm gone."
When she leaves, I immediately cast about for something to fight with. The handcuffs themselves would work if I could ever get ahold of them. A kicked-out board from the walls could be useful. But there's nothing for a projectile or explosive, and if I'm honest, I don't think there will be as long as I'm here.
It bothers me, but not as much as I'd expect. Which is stupid and will change once I've eaten. I would never start over. Powder is dead. I don't care about any of these people. The only one I care about is—
"Me?"
"No!" I can't cover my eyes, so I squeeze them shut instead. "No. You can't be here."
"What's the matter, daughter?" ("Daughter, daughter, daughter.") "You don't want to face what you've done?"
"No. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, it was a mistake, I'm sorry—"
"Do you think it makes a difference if you're sorry?"
I never would have given you to them. Not for anything.
"He wouldn't say that—"
"He wouldn't? I'm saying it right now."
Don't cry. You're perfect.
"You're not real." I flatten myself down so I can press one ear down against the not-table. The other can't be covered. I pull at my handcuffs, ignoring the bite of the metal. "You're not real. Get out."
"And here I had thought you would be happy to see me. After all the years I raised you, when everyone else left, you don't even miss me?"
"You're not him!"
"Powder?"
My eyes snap open to a black-brown expanse, split by stripes of moonlight. Vi stands next to me, holding a cup and a chipped plate.
"Jinx," I say, trying to steady my breathing.
"Fine." She sets the dishes down on her cot— the not-table I'm on must also be a cot— and comes at me with something in her hand. I scramble back, so she pauses, and I see it's just a key.
I can't believe my luck until she stops at removing one cuff and puts it right back on, around my ankle this time. Then she puts the plate on my lap and the cup in my free hand. I have a sip of water and she takes it back.
I reach for the piece of bread on my plate and freeze, finally noticing the towel knotted around my chest and the fact that my hair is loose, spilling to the floor on either side of me. My braids. Silco did my braids. I'll never wear braids that he did ever again.
"What did you do?" I whisper. "Where are my clothes?"
"In the trash heap across the city. We're Firelights now. You can get dressed when you're done eating."
"Why did you do that? I needed them! Where are the bullet shells from my hair? Did you take them? Why did you do this to me? You ruined everything!"
My plate clatters on the wooden floor. Vi takes a step backward. "How was I supposed to know you cared so much about your clothes? You were covered in dirt and blood. I was trying to help you."
"You didn't help me!"
"Then I'm sorry! But I can't do anything about it now, so could you just eat your dinner and calm down?"
I glare. Of course she did this. Of course she did. She wants to hurt me.
"Here." She snatches my bread off the floor and holds it out to me, and I bet she poisoned it, but I deserve that. What am I saying? But I'm hungry— not normal Undercity hungry, real hungry. But if she poisoned it, fine. I don't want to be here anyway. She just wants to hurt me. There's not anything wrong with the things I've done.
I eat the bread in tiny bites and finish the water when she hands it over again. Then she throws a ball of fabric at me and unlocks my ankle cuff, but not the one on my wrist, and turns around. "Tell me when you need that arm in your sleeve."
I can untie any knot in half a minute. Getting dressed with one hand is a piece of cake. She's just trying to humiliate me. It won't work.
"Okay," I growl, half in my shirt and half out of it. She puts the second set of handcuffs on my free hand and unlocks my bound hand, then turns around again for the split second it takes me to slither into my sleeve. I tug at my hair, trying to get it uncaught from my collar.
"Do you see things that aren't there?" Vi asks.
I scowl at her back. "That's none of your business."
"Get back on your bed." She comes back with the other handcuffs and nods at the cot, whose side I'm leaning as far from as possible on my feet.
I don't have to listen to her. We're not babies. She's not the boss of me, even if she thinks she is.
She grabs my arm, cuffs it, and draws it toward the far side of the bed frame. I pull against her with all my strength, but it's like she can't even feel it. She's being gentle, though. She thinks she's so righteous. It's all pity. I don't need pity.
I still lie back down. I don't need my arm stretched out either. I can think my way out of this just as easily on my cot as I can off it.
"I know you do." Vi sits by my feet, but this time she doesn't hold them in place. "You see things. Can you tell when they're real and when they're not?"
"I said it's none of your business."
"So, no."
"No." Shut up shut up shut up. "I can tell."
"Always?"
Shut up. Shut up. "Usually."
"When can't you?"
I shake my forelock over my eye. She thinks she can make me ashamed. She can't. "It's easier when it's someone who's dead. They could never be real. It's harder when it's someone alive."
"You said I— you said I never left you. Do you see me?"
"Sometimes."
She looks to the side, at her foot, and starts scuffing it back and forth across the floor. "Do I ever hurt you?"
"No," I say. "You only ever do that in real life."
Her foot stops. "I'm sorry, Powder."
"You think you're so much better than me! You hurt me for fun. Why is it okay when you do it?"
"What? Powder—"
"It's Jinx!"
"Sorry. I've never, ever hurt you for fun, Jinx." She's halfway to her feet. I close my eyes so I don't see that stupid look on her face. "When I left you, it wasn't supposed to be forever. It was just gonna be for a second, so I could—"
"I'm not talking about that! I'm talking about when you and your fucking enforcer girlfriend injected me with Shimmer and laughed."
She's quiet.
"And then you called her innocent and think I'm crazy for asking you to choose me over her! And you think you're better than me!"
"That didn't happen, Jinx."
I open my eyes. She's staring at me. She thinks I'm crazy. Again. Just because I'm crazy doesn't mean I'm wrong.
"That didn't happen," she says. "We didn't inject you with Shimmer. When you abducted us, I hadn't seen you since the bridge. Why would we inject you with Shimmer? Why would we laugh? I don't want to hurt you. Neither does Caitlyn."
Liar. Liar. "Liar! I could feel it. I can see it! Look at my eyes!"
"No, I know you took Shimmer! That part was real. But it wasn't us that did it. A bomb went off, Jinx. You were injured and you were imagining it. I would never, ever do something like that to you."
I'm sobbing and I don't have the energy to try to hold it back. "I don't know that! I can't know that!"
"Jinx— if we had had you at any point, we wouldn't have let you go. Caitlyn wanted to arrest you, and I wanted to keep you. The fact that we're here right now is proof that we weren't there then."
My head pounds. Vi turns her palms out like she's the one who's had the rug pulled every day for seven years.
"This only works if we can trust each other," she says. "I get that it must suck to not be able to trust your brain, but can you just try to trust me?"
"You said before that you don't trust me. But it can't work the other way?"
"I'm asking you to trust that I don't want to hurt you. I trust you about the same thing. I don't trust you not to hurt someone, and I don't trust that you don't think you want to, but I trust that you don't want to."
There's nothing wrong with the things I've done. I did what Silco told me to, and Silco was a good person. He took care of me. He was gonna save everyone in the Undercity. Sometimes you have to hurt bad people to help good people.
I don't have to hurt Vi. It wouldn't help anyone. I could hurt her if I had to, no matter what I want. But I don't have to.
Are we still sisters?
Nothing is ever going to change that.
"Why wouldn't I want to?" I ask. "I do it all the time. Why would you trust that I don't want to?"
"I know Powder wouldn't want to, and I think Powder is still alive."
"She's not. She's dead."
Vi exhales. "Well, I trust you anyway, okay?"
It doesn't matter. I know she doesn't care about Jinx. So what? We're past that. I always knew it.
"I trust you too," I say, because it might get the cuffs off faster.
She looks at me a beat longer and reaches under her pillow. "The medic gave me a tranquilizer in case you... made trouble," she says, moving a couple objects I can't see between her hands. "I'm not gonna give it to you, but do you want—"
"No! Get the fuck away from me!"
One of the things she has is a syringe. It showed for a second. I saw it. I knew she was lying about the Shimmer. Liar liar liar, I knew it was her—
"I said I wasn't gonna give it to you. I was gonna ask if you wanted to take it yourself, so you can maybe sleep better and not have your hallucinations." She stays where she is and holds out the syringe so the moonlight hits the liquid inside. "See? It's clear. It's not Shimmer."
"It's poison."
"What happened to trusting me? If I wanted you dead, I would have killed you while you were knocked out."
"It's poison," says Mylo next to my ear.
"Fine," I tell Vi. She creeps back over and drops the syringe next to me before uncuffing one of my hands and backing away. I shift over so my locked arm is in a neutral position and stick the needle into my shoulder.
Vi takes the syringe and tosses it back onto her cot immediately, like she's trying to prove she wouldn't use it. "I'll tell you about where the war is tomorrow," she says, reattaching my wrist to the bed frame. "And you're gonna have to talk to a few people. Probably Ekko and Caitlyn. They won't hurt you."
"Caitlyn?" I try to muster some indignance, but there are stones on my eyelids.
"Don't worry about it."
"There's a war?"
She fades into a pink smear. "Good night, Powder."
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Intro lyrics are from "Coney Island" by Taylor Swift and "Raphael" by flower face, respectively.
thanks 4 reading! don't u just love arcane because i sure do