I honestly thought about taking sick leave for today because I don't feel like going to work. But today is Friday and I will work a half-day, so I decided against it.
I couldn't sleep all night, constantly having to think about yesterday. I still can't grasp what happened and how to feel about it. On one hand, I'm hurt, but on the other hand, I'm just confused.
Not expecting things to escalate so quickly must have put us both in a situation where we both didn't know how to react. I want to know what Jungkook's thoughts were, causing him to leave without saying another word.
I took a shower afterward, thinking that it might help me think, but I left the warm water with even more questions than before. And I can't find an answer to any of those questions because I can't read minds.
Telling Jungkook that I am a virgin was something I had to do because it is what people do when they want to be open and honest with each other. It doesn't make a difference if I'm a virgin or not. But it looks like it does matter to him.
I've never felt so alone after he walked out of my apartment, his expression being the last thing on my mind. I wish he had shared his feelings with me and been as open as I have been.
I can't help but overthink and let my assumptions bring out the worst in me. What if he just didn't find me attractive anymore? What if he didn't want to sleep with me anymore after finding out that I've never done things like that before, thinking that I wouldn't be able to pleasure and satisfy him?
It makes me feel insecure and lacking in a way, even though I know nothing is wrong with me. People have their first time in everything and they can always try to better themselves.
The reason why I haven't been intimate with anyone yet is something I'm not sure of myself. It's not that I planned it that way, but it turned out the way it did. Having sex has never been my priority in a relationship, although I can imagine how beautiful it can be.
Sex is important, yes, but it's not more important than how a person makes you feel. Safety, trust, and respect are what connect us to people and make us choose to stay. You can have sex with anyone, but you can't be in a relationship with everyone.
My past boyfriends never really made me feel comfortable and that led me to reject them whenever they hinted at intimacy. My last boyfriend got mad because I took too long to let him touch me and my ex-boyfriend in high school was obsessed with the idea of becoming my first.
So I can fairly say that neither of them deserved it.
I'm not trying to insult people who have sex with many and random people with no strings attached. Everyone is capable of making their own decisions about their bodies, but waiting for the right moment and the right person has always been my choice.
I want the connection to be there, and passion and more feelings than just simple lust.
But maybe I put too much meaning into something that others take for granted. Maybe I am delusional to think all this.
It's just that society has so much influence on our choices all the time that I don't know anymore if people do some things because they want to or simply because they feel compelled to.
But what has society brought us besides depression and insecurities?
Pushing these thoughts aside, I let out a long sigh and enter the Jeon&Park building. In a way, I am glad that the elevator to the top is entirely empty and that a certain person is not here. Maybe it's childish to think so, but I think I need a little time to process things.
Mumbling a quick hello to Megan, I unlock my computer and pull up the agenda for today. A meeting is scheduled for in a few hours and otherwise, the screen is blank. I answer a few emails and get back to the script I was working on yesterday.
After I work in silence for a bit, the meeting time comes up and Megan stops by my desk with papers stacked on her arms waiting so we can walk to the conference room together. We talk about random things and I giggle under my breath, but that quickly dies out when I see Jungkook walking into the same room.
In the past, he was rarely in meetings we were in, so I didn't even know what kind of person he was exactly, but in the last few months, he's been present more times than I can count. Our eyes meet and something painful settles in my chest, making me the first to look away.
Megan doesn't notice, though she's an observant person, but she's too busy talking about her mother that she doesn't see this little interaction. We keep walking and when we get to the room we pick a seat closer to the front.
Mr. Park closes the door behind him and we get right to the meeting. Lizzie shows off the progress of our team and the projects that have been added since the last meeting. I can't concentrate because I feel eyes on the back of my head the whole time, but I force myself not to look back.
I don't know why I'm as embarrassed as I am, but knowing that Jungkook saw me almost half-naked yesterday, the feeling of his weight hovering over me and between my legs, but then the loss as he walked out the door haunts me.
"So, can we get some word on the ongoing projects as they are progressing so far? Maybe some insight into the ideas of each." Mr. Park suggests.
"Sure," Lizzie replies. "I think everyone is prepared enough to talk about their own projects."
Two people present before me until Lizzie calls me to the front next. I can't help but get a little nervous, even though I can usually stay rather calm during presentations like this. It's just the fact that I have no choice but to face the room ahead, and the fear of making eye contact with a certain person makes my heart skip a beat.
"My current project is for the watch brand Vigilo. They are launching their next collection in two months and that's what I've been working on so far." I call up the files with my ideas and sketches. The tagline for the ad is at the top and I catch Mr. Park nodding in approval.
I explain a bit more about the project, incorporating the client's wishes and telling how I tried to implement them. My presentation doesn't take too long and after I'm done talking and no one has interfered, I'm about to sit down until someone's voice stops me.
"Honestly." Jungkook begins. "I think the idea is good at its core, but can you go back to the slide where you added a little sketch?"
I do as he requested and then stare at the projection on the wall. I turn back to him, not understanding what the problem is with it now. I think it looks fine and is exactly what Vigilo wanted.
"Maybe some color adjustments would help the watches stand out more." He adds.
"But they never said anything about the colors," I raise my eyebrow in a challenging way.
"It's my opinion and I'm just telling you how your work would come across better," he says unconcerned.
My eyebrow ticks and I just nod before closing the presentation and walking back to my seat. If he thinks he can do better, he should do it himself.
God, I don't know why I'm being so petty all of a sudden and this is not my normal self. I don't let comments like this get to me, but I seem to be more concerned about it today than usual.
After me, five others from our team present their ideas and the meeting is over. Everyone starts packing up and I can't wait for this day to end so I can go home and cry into my pillow.
Jungkook's voice rings out. "Everyone is dismissed." I hear him say. "Except Ms. Carlson."
My eyes shoot up from my laptop to him. He studies my expression before averting his eyes and waiting for everyone to leave the room. Megan stops in the doorway and gives me a concerned look.
I smile over at her to reassure her to which she nods and closes the door behind her, leaving just me and Jungkook alone. I turn back to him and he's half-sitting on the edge of the table, staring at me.
I chew on the inside of my cheek, not knowing what he wants to talk about, what to say, how to act. I cross my arms over my chest and stand across from him, but at such a distance that I can't even breathe in his scent.
"Are you mad that I made the comment about your idea a few minutes ago?" he asks after what feels like an eternity.
"No, I'm not," I answer honestly. Maybe it's not what I was thinking a little while ago, but that's what I say anyway. "Why should I? It's natural for you to point out what you find incomplete or needs improvement."
He nods. "I'm just asking to make sure your frustration is about yesterday and not something else."
I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding. The way he looks at me makes me feel small, but not in a bad way. It's just weird right now and I don't know what to say.
"I'm not mad." I decide to answer because it's the truth. "I'm just confused...and maybe a little hurt."
Something crosses his eyes when I utter the last word and I see him nod before dropping his gaze. "It wasn't my intention to hurt you," he says, his gaze back on me.
Maybe now is the perfect opportunity to talk about it and get any questions we both have answered. And there are some things I want to know.
"I don't understand why you had the need to stop when things were going so great?" I begin. He's watching me closely. I try to find the right words. "Didn't you find me attractive anymore?"
He furrows his eyebrows. "What?"
I shrug. "I don't know. Maybe you want to be with someone more experienced than me. Someone who knows how to satisfy you."
In seconds, he pushes himself off the table and walks over to me. Shocked, I take steps back until I have no more room and my back hits the wall. Jungkook looks pissed, at least that's what his dark eyes show. Or maybe it's disappointment.
"Didn't you see how fucking hard I was for you?" he croaks heavily, his breath hitting my face from standing so close. And I don't miss that he said for you.
I have a hard time swallowing as my gaze falls to his chest and I see how hard he's breathing. The muscles in his cheeks surface and he roams his tongue along the inside.
"Every day was torture for me because I had to hold back," he continues. "And it's so hard, you don't even know."
"Then why did you leave?" I ask desperately. I try to understand what's behind all his behavior, but the words that leave his mouth confuse me even more because they don't add up.
He lets out a sigh and I almost close my eyes as his breath hits me. He looks pained, almost like he's fighting with himself. Perhaps he too is trying to find the right words, as I did a few minutes ago.
I know I could have stopped him before he left. The reason I didn't is that I was so dumbfounded to grasp what was happening. Also, I was afraid that even if I asked him not to, he would still leave. That would have hurt even more.
"You were so nervous. And everything happened so fast." he finally says. I feel like that's not the real reason.
"It would have been my first time, of course I was nervous, Jungkook." I remark and he looks away.
We could have taken it from the couch to my bedroom. We could have taken it slow. We could have talked about it, but he was dressed and already walking out the door within seconds. Honestly, there are a lot of 'could have's', but we didn't.
He pulls back a little, but he's still close enough for me to pull in his scent. "I thought you'd want to do it with someone special."
I tilt my head to the side, confused. "What do you mean?"
"I thought if you waited this long for it, you wouldn't want to have your first time with just anyone. It felt like I didn't give you the option to think it through."
I'm speechless.
I look back and forth between both of his eyes. "That's the reason?" I ask, and he nods once. "Jungkook, do you even realize what you mean to the people around you?"
I can't help but feel sad after hearing how lowly he talks about himself. But at the same time, I can't help but be mad because that's exactly what he's doing. We haven't talked about it, but I thought it was very obvious how I feel about him.
"This isn't about me," he says.
I shake my head. "It is. You don't think you deserve to be someone's first because you don't see yourself worthy enough for it."
I slip out from between his arms because I feel like I can't breathe. This conversation is giving me a headache and I can't believe what my ears are hearing. I thought we had a special connection.
"Mikayla, hear me out." he tries as he follows me. "I know I messed up, but I want this to work between us," he says, but I stop him by holding up my hand.
"Jungkook, I like you a lot," I say, not realizing it's actually a confession. He presses his lips into a straight line. "But I honestly think you should love yourself first before you try to love others."
I watch his face fall and even though it hurts me so much more than I thought it would, I stare into his eyes for a few more seconds before it becomes too much. I turn around, desperately trying to hold back the tears.
I need him to realize how important he is to the people in his life and that he can't push everyone away. If you're not comfortable enough with yourself, what makes you think others will be?
And it makes me mad because in all of this he didn't even consider my thoughts on it. He doesn't even see that I really wanted him. That I want him. It makes me feel like I don't have a say.
Leaving the conference room without another glance back, I walk back to my desk. I reassure Megan that nothing happened, although she doesn't seem to believe me, but I appreciate her not pressing the matter further.
Ignoring all the feelings buzzing inside me, I finish my tasks for the day. It's hard to concentrate on work when so many other thoughts are running through my head, but I force it.
When it's time to go home, I pack up. I haven't seen Jungkook for the rest of the day and it's better that way. Just as I adjust my bag on my shoulder, I see Ethan approaching.
"Hey," he says enthusiastically as he stops at my desk. "I had a meeting with Jimin, but I see you packed up. Looks like I caught you just in time."
I force a smile. "Yeah, I was just about to head home."
He steps closer. "How about we do something? I know it's very spontaneous, but maybe you're up for it."
I actually feel bad because he's asking so nicely and because I've always said no so far. But I'm starting to really think he doesn't get the message.
"Sorry, but I'm really tired, Ethan," I say apologetically. "I just want to go home."
He doesn't give up. "Can I give you a ride home then?"
I sigh under my breath, trying not to sound rude. I look at him and the way he still looks hopeful. I consider it because I'm really exhausted and want to get home quickly to be alone.
"Okay." I nod and have to laugh as his smile gets bigger.
We walk together to the elevators and he leads me to his expensive car in the underground garage. He jogs to the driver's side without waiting for me to buckle up. Something Jungkook has always done before. Not that I'm comparing the two, but it's just something I notice.
I listen to Ethan talk about his last golf weekend, but I don't mind because I don't feel like talking anyway. I throw in an occasional comment or two to let him know I'm listening.
After half an hour, we approach the familiar neighborhood after I give Ethan directions. He forgot my address, but I didn't expect him to remember because it's been months since he drove me home from the launch party.
Ethan parks the car and I unbuckle my seatbelt. I turn to him. "Thank you so much for making the effort to drive me all the way here," I say with a smile.
"You're welcome." he smiles back.
Before I can reach for the door to get out, Ethan's hand on my cheek catches me by surprise. He leans over the center console and inches toward my face. It's almost too late to process what his intentions are, but I manage to snap out of my shock and pull back before his lips can touch mine.
"What are you doing?" I ask, caught off guard because I wasn't expecting this.
"Too soon?" he winces as he removes his hand from my cheek.
It will always be too soon because I don't want it to ever happen. But I decide to say something else. "I don't see you that way, Ethan."
He slumps back into his leather seat and lets out a sneer. "Wow. I didn't think you were serious."
"What do you mean?" I ask, my eyebrows drawn together. I thought I made it obvious to him.
"I thought all this time you've been acting like this so I'd chase you," he says, and I'm left in disbelief.
"I'm not that kind of woman," I counter, offended. All this time I thought Ethan was a nice person, but the things he is saying show just the opposite. I can't even believe we're having this conversation right now.
"What a waste of time," he mutters under his breath as he continues to look out the windshield. He shakes his head and I can't help the broken feeling inside me. It's the first time anyone has ever said that about me.
"Well, I'm sorry you see talking to me as a waste of time." I open the door, trying to hold back the tear that wants to escape my eye. "But it's you who assumed I wanted more than friendship, even though I didn't give you such signs. Have a good day, Mr. Stan."
I don't look him in the face again as I get out of his car and start walking towards the building where my apartment is located. I don't think I can take any more for today than has already happened to me.
But I am wrong as I feel a hand wrap around my arm and I am stopped from walking. I didn't hear Ethan get out as well, but he is now standing in front of me after turning me back toward him. His grip on my arm is actually painful.
"Just one chance, Mikayla?" he asks desperately, and it sounds like a plea.
"No, Ethan. You're scaring me. Please let me go," I struggle, but my voice doesn't come out as confidently as I tried. Fear settles into every cell of my body.
Ethan's gaze tightens and he looks down at me with his eyebrows drawn together. His grip tightens on my arm, so I'm sure it's going to leave a bruise. He doesn't look pleased. The fact that he is so much taller than me makes me as a petite woman almost useless. I can't pull my arm out of his grip.
"No one rejects me," he growls, pulling me toward him.
"Ow! Ethan, you're hurting me!" I cry out in pain.
But it doesn't seem like he's going to let go anytime soon.
________________
A/N: I have never finished typing a chapter this fast lol
Ethan, I see you cheater 👀