Vittoria's POV
"I understand where you're coming from. I understand you very well. My father used to be a navy chaplain. He had standards about what is right and wrong much like you do. He raised us by those standards. He always told me that s x is for married people."
"Did you wait until Signor?"
"Well..." She smiled to herself. "I had a husband when I met Nick."
"Dio!"
"Scandalous, I know. But I lost my virtue on my wedding night... to the wrong man. My first husband was never right for me. I cheated on him with Nick and I don't regret it. No. Nick has turned out to be the biggest constant in my life. He wrecked my second marriage too."
"You have married twice?"
She laughed her heart out. She held up five fingers. "I have been married five times. First it was Jason. Nick got in the middle. I had an affair with him. We broke up. I married Sinclair. Have you ever met Sinclair?"
"No Signora."
"You should. I'm sure Marcelle will introduce you. Nick ruined my marriage again. He showed up and I cheated again. Then I married Nick. Then we got divorced and I married Mancini. He was the godfather before Nick. Then we got divorced and again I married Nick. Five marriages. Four men. Now... I know what you're thinking. How can this woman give me any advise?"
"I'm not thinking it Signora. I'm just shocked." I laughed.
"Nick was the only 'sin'. With Jason and Sinclair, sex came after marriage as it should be. With Mancini nothing ever happened between us. I do understand what you're feeling. So now that we have some groundwork, tell me something. Do you think it will feel right when he's your husband or will you carry these reservations into marriage?"
"I'm not sure Signora. What I know is that it feels very good when he's..." I blushed.
"Touching you. Let's just call it touching you." She smiled at me.
"Si. His touch feels very good. But after I feel dirty."
She nodded her head. "When you're with my son, how does he make you feel?"
"He makes me feel special. I feel good."
"Do you feel loved?"
Dio! I have never thought of that word as something he feels because he told me he loves Reina. He told me that the very first time we got together. Had it changed? Do I feel loved?
"Si Signora. But he has never said it."
"Does it feel like he wants you just for sex?"
"I'm not sure. I don't know. Maybe not?"
"What do you feel when he holds your hand?"
I can't help but smile. "I feel like I'm the only girl in the world. It feels rosy inside."
"That's a beautiful feeling. Enjoy it. What about when he kisses you? How does that feel?"
"Very nice."
"And wh n his hands get adventurous with your body? Under your clothes? How does that feel? I'm assuming he has done that already."
"Si he has. It feels... very good. But after he has finished... not so good."
"What do you feel exactly?"
"Guilt... Dirty when it is more... uh..."
"Don't worry sweetie, I'm not green at all. You dint have to explain. So if he holds your hand and kisses you just a little that is okay."
"Si. If he kisses my lips only."
"But when it's more, it makes you feel dirty and guilty."
"Si."
"I'll say two things here and you can refer to what applies to your situation. As much as Jason was my husband, I always felt dirty after sex. I never even enjoyed it until I was with Nick. It should have felt dirty with Nick but it didn't. It felt so good I wanted to do it over and over again. Jason was my husband, Nick wasn't. Jason never loved me. Nick did. With Jason, I felt used during sex or any form of intimacy. With Nick I felt loved. Do you get what I'm trying to say?"
"Si Signora."
"Si you feel used by Marcelle?"
"No Signora."
"So the guilt is purely coming from what you have been taught and nit his actions."
"Si."
"I won't contradict what you've been taught but sweetie, hear this." She reached across to take my hands. "If you love him and he loves you, it should not feel dirty. It should feel special. I under why you're waiting. You told me you don't want to make a mistake and give your virtue to a man who doesn't love you. If he falls in love with you, would you reconsider?"
"I... I don't know if his love will make it feel different after."
"So it doesn't matter if he loves you or he's your husband, you'll probably still feel dirty."
"Si."
Her soft blue eyes turned in the direction of the open glass doors where Marcelle disappeared to. I can see him pacing out there.
"Okay. We mentioned kids earlier. How do you plan to have children if you keep your knees together even after you are married?"
"I... I will have to."
"You will have to just to get pregnant. Isn't that using him?"
"Si it is. It is terrible, no? Dio! Emilia kept saying it is bad. She repeated it to me every time I dared to look at a boy. She said I wait till I marry but she doesn't want me to marry because she was encouraging me to take vows to be a nun."
"Have you considered that she kept saying it is bad without telling you it is okay if you are in a relationship because she wanted you to follow her path?"
"Perhaps."
"Sweetie, you're not in a casual relationship. He's your man. You're his girl. Things between you two will definitely progress and before you know it, he will profess his love and then he will be on one knee asking you to marry him. It's a serious relationship and it's natural for intimacy to happen. Sex isn't just to get off or to make babies. It's also meant to be a physical expression of how you feel for each other. You love him with your heart. There will come a time you'll love him with your body. There's nothing wrong with that if you wish it to happen Vittoria. If you feel a need to have sex with your boyfriend, don't feel guilty about those feelings. Express your love. Just make sure you're not pressured. Have a balanced view of what sex means outside a relationship and what it means within a relationship."
"Grazi Signora."
"Why don't you wet the table? I'll go talk to him."
"Si."
She left me with much to think about. Emilia never explained it this way. In fact she has never spoken to me so softly. Marcelle is lucky to have a mother like this. She's wonderful.
Marcelle's POV
"Stop laughing."
She isn't going to stop anytime soon. She found her spot next to me on the pool chair. Her arm fell over my shoulder. "You give blue balls a whole new meaning!"
"Don't tell dad." I chuckled too. "Or Miki or Matt. They will never let me live it down."
Aidan makes sure he teases me now and then over Vee being a virgin. I dint need any more teasing.
"I won't tell your dad. I won't wish that mockery on anyone. He will make fun of you until his last breath."
"He will." Our laughter eased. We looked at each other. "I know. I was a little selfish in there. Very. Very selfish. The truth is, I have had enough of children. I won't lie. But I know I have no right to deprive Vee of being a mother. She deserves it. But often I find myself wondering how soon she will expect it once we marry. I want to stay for a while without raising kids. She may want kids immediately. I feel it. I don't want that."
"So, you're not opposed to being a father again. It's the timing."
"And the woman keeping her legs clasped."
"I was gentle with her. I won't afford you tbe same courtesy. Why do you want to have sex with Vee? Be honest with me." She held my jaw and turned me to look at her. "What drives you?"
"A hard dick." I answered. "Expect bluntness from me."
"Respect." She nodded.
"But seriously, other than being bricked up half of the time I'm with her, I want to have sex with her because... because I want to show her how I feel."
"Show her?"
"I think I love her."
"Oh! That's... that's sweet." She smiled at me. "Does she know that?"
"No." I got up from the pool chair. I paced to the edge of the outdoor garden gazing down at the bustling city below. It's almost quiet up here. Almost.
"What are you afraid of Marcelle?"
"I'm afraid of being wrong. I'm afraid that I'll profess a false love. I don't want to say it prematurely. I want to wait until I'm absolutely sure. Did you ever love Sinclair?"
"I love all my husbands except Jason. It's the degree of love that varies. Nick is all the way up there. Sinclair is below him. Then there was Mancini. If you're waiting to feel the kind of love you felt for Reina, it may take another twenty years. You loved Rei for a long time. You have only loved Vee for...
"A few months."
"Your love for her is young. Nurture it without comparison. You should tell her how you feel. It will do both of you good."
"I know it will. But love or no love, she's never going to put out, is she?"
"I can't answer that. I'm not her. But I can assure you that knowing exactly how you feel towards her can get the ice thawing. Sweetie," she laced her fingers with mine. "Just remember that you need to have the right intentions. Dint take her virtue if it's just for you to get off. If that is how you feel, give yourself time before you seduce your way into her panties. Okay?"
"It's not lust. At first, when I met her, it was pure lust. It's no longer lust I feel but rather a need to express myself. But the problem is how different our ideals are. I dint believe in the things she does and I cannot meet her halfway because they are not my beliefs and they don't make sense. Why should it matter if we love each other? And the other side extreme, is the only way I will possibly get to make love to her, is when I marry her. I don't want her to think sex is the motivation behind the wedding ring. I'm sort of stuck here."
"Marriage." She sighed. "People marry for different reasons. The outcome isn't always the same. I married Jason to clear a family debt. I married Sinclair because I was scared of being alone and vulnerable. I married Nick for love. I married Mancini for strategy. See? Different reasons. But don't marry for sex. If you marry for sex and you have her, it ends. Marry because you can't go a second without thinking of her. Marry because she makes your heart race even when she's not doing anything but looking at you. Marry because you can't imagine life without her. Marry because she stirs your soul towards being a better version yourself. Marry for the right intentions and trust me my son, she will see the true intention."
I bent my head for her to kiss my forehead.
"Thanks mom."