Okay, so if you're looking for a warning, here it is. I'll mark the part where there is self-harm so you can skip it if you want :)
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*
"What is this? Why did you do this, Hannah?"
"It hurts..." I whispered.
"What hurts? Your arm? Of course it does, you hurt yourself. Why would you do that, honey?" My grandfather had always been the person I was close to. I never knew my grandmother, she had died before I was born.
"No, my arm's fine," I mumbled glancing down at the little cuts that decorated my wrist.
"Sweetheart, talk to Grandpa. Why would you cut your arm?" I looked up at him.
"I-I..." I drifted, he nodded, his worried eyes encouraging me to keep speaking, "I -" I began but the door slammed open.
"We're back! You can leave now, Dad!" My eyes widened and I pulled my arm from my Grandad's grip as I covered it with my sleeve. I heard my parents make their way to the guest room, where my grandad usually spent his nights over. "Dad?" My father looked at his father.
"What did you do to her?" I cringed back as my father glared at me after Grandpa spoke.
"Hannah, Go to your room." My father said. I didn't hesitate, I just scrambled to my feet from my spot on the carpet but my grandfather grabbed my arm gently holding me back. "Goodbye, Dad." My father frowned signalling that it was time for his father to leave after watching me for the day.
"No, your daughter cut her self! She's eleven! Why would she do that?! What is going on?" I looked down.
"Why would she do that? She's fucking stupid, that's why." Dad glared at me. I shrunk back.
"Don't talk about her like that -"
"She's my daughter, I will speak of however I like. Didn't I tell you to go to your room, Hannah? Are you deaf?" Dad said.
I got up pulling my blanket with me which caused the lamp beside the couch to tip over and smash onto the floor.
"Fuck! You don't do anything right, do you? I would tell you to clean it up but you're too God damn useless to do that as well!" I bit my lip feeling tears in my eyes.
"I-I'm sorry," I said.
"It's okay, Hannah. It was a mistake." Grandpa said to me.
"Yes, a mistake." Dad snickered looking at me disgusted.
"Dev -" Grandpa began.
"Get out!" Dad snapped.
"Let me have Hannah." I looked up happily but it quickly disappeared when my father laughed.
"You're not taking her, now leave or this will be the last time you see her," Dad said before he glared at me again.
I scrambled from the room before he could yell at me again and ran to my room before I shut the door and went to the window. I looked out to see my grandfather walk outside, glance at my window and then leave.
I felt panic rise into my throat because I knew my parents were pissed at me and he wasn't there to help anymore.
*
A few days after that, my parents and grandfather had a fall out when he asked why I had bruises on my face, my dad said he wasn't going to see me again. A week later we moved and I had not seen my grandfather since. They never told him where we were going, just left.
"Look, Hannah!" I looked up and smiled at Kendall as she held out her hands.
"Oh, it's a ladybug," I said.
"Yeah! She's so pretty. Do you want her?" Kendall asked looking at the bug crawling around her finger.
"No, she'll die if we keep her, you should let her go," I said.
"Alright." I laughed as she shook her hand violently until the bug flew off.
"There's your mommy." I pointed behind her.
She turned around and we both waved back as her mother waved at us.
"Bye, Hannah." I forced myself not to show how much it hurt when she hugged me tightly.
"Bye, Kendall." I waved as she ran off.
I looked up hearing the clouds crack loudly above me. The weather was getting pretty bad quite fast... I sighed as I got up pulling my bag along with me and began to make my way home slowly.
I had been walking so slow that I actually got caught in the rain, I hadn't been far from home and I didn't mind the rain so I didn't quicken my speed. When I reached the house, I was soaked.
I pushed open the door slowly before stepping inside quietly and shut the door silently in an attempt to head to my room unseen. I pulled my hoodie off and started towards my room but I froze hearing a smash.
"You bastard!" I heard my mother scream.
"What? It's not like you haven't done it too! I know how you get that extra money, bitch!"
I dropped my bag and hoodie hearing more smashing and shouting from both my mother and Gerald. I walked into the kitchen and ducked just in time for a plate to fly over my head and smash into the hallway wall behind me.
"Ma?" I spoke seeing Gerald holding her against the wall by her shoulders, they both looked at me.
"Get out!" She shouted at me. Why was her face red? Had he hit her?
"You... You're going to make the neighbours come over or - or call the police." I said cautiously. Not to mention that they were smashing the only cutlery we had left...
"Do we look like we give a fuck about the neighbours or the police?" I noticed that Gerald had a cut on his forehead and I had to assume that he hadn't dodged everything my mother had thrown at him, the kitchen looked chaotic.
"No, I-I just -" I began.
"Just get out, you stupid bitch!" I cringed at the venom in my mother's voice.
I nodded and backed towards the door but I stopped when Gerald spoke.
"No, don't. You think you can interrupt our business?" I stepped back as he let my mother go and stepped towards me.
"N-no, I just thought... I tho -" I was saying.
"You thought nothing! Who do you think you are?!" My mother shoved me. I was so confused about why they were angry at me, but I knew they never needed a real reason to be. I just needed to apologise ad back off, maybe this time it would calm them down.
"I'm sorry, I'll go to be -" I cried out as her hand met my face.
"Did I say you could speak?!" She shouted.
"Baby, don't dirty your hands, I got this." Gerald kissed her before he shoved me causing me to stumble back until I hit the wall.
I glanced to see how far I was from the door. If I ran, the furthest I would make it would be the hallway considering that my mother was closer to the door than I was. I had been so focused on an escape route that I hadn't seen Gerald step forward until I felt his fist hit my cheek.
I cried out at the blow but didn't even have time to recover before he punched my stomach and then grabbed my hair to slam me against the wall. I gripped my stomach feeling tears sting my eyes at the pain.
"You don't interrupt adult business, cunt." He muttered.
I nodded but it wasn't enough to keep him from punching my stomach again.
"I-I'm sorry -" I coughed, "Please - please -" I winced as my mother's hand smacked my cheek, her nails scratching into my skin.
"Did we say you could talk?!" She asked. I shook my head, no. "Then why are you talking?" She glared at me. I didn't answer.
"You're so fucking stupid. You useless little bitch." I cried out as Gerald's hand met the bottom of my abdomen before he let me go and I fell onto the floor.
"We're out of beer." He said. I curled into more of a ball as he glared down at me, I didn't answer him as I curled up trying to ease the pounding in my stomach and face. "Where's our money?!" He shouted. I still didn't answer.
"Fucking answer!" I shut my eyes and my mother's foot met my back.
"I-I gave - you took everything," I said.
"Liar!" Gerald yelled.
"N-no, I swea -" I was cut off by a kick to my side. I cried out as he kicked me more, his boots digging into my back and side.
"I wish I never had you, you good for nothing bitch!" It was the last words I had heard clearly as a boot smashed into my head and everything just became a blur of yelling and colour.
——-
I shut my eyes tightly as I coughed myself awake, each cough sending more pain rippling through my chest. I winced as I sat up. My body hurt badly, my head was pounding and on top of that I thought I might have caught a cold because of the rain.
I looked around. There was smashed glass all over the kitchen. I glanced at my watch, it was nine-thirty, too late for me to go to school.
I climbed to my feet using the kitchen counter to pull myself up steadily and then made my way to my room feeling my eyes pound with unshed tears. I was praying my mother and Gerald had gotten their beer somewhere and were passed put, the house being quiet added some relief that they were not awake.
After finding some clothing, I headed to the bathroom where winced as I looked in the mirror. I had a dried blood trail coming from my hair, there were scratches on my cheek and it was stolen and black with what looked like a little blood under my eye. I hesitantly pulled off my shirt, wincing at the pain it caused. I bit my lip as my eyes fell on all the bruises and gashes on my body.
I felt tears begin to roll down my face as I sat down on the cold floor. I felt hopeless and pathetic. I didn't understand what I had done. To my mom and dad. To Gerald. To everyone at school. What was wrong with me?
****A/N ~ Bloody part's up ahead...****
I sobbed quietly as I opened the bag I stuffed my toiletries into and pulled out my shaving pin. I detached the razor and looked at my wrist. It was red with recently healed marks and covered in semi-faded and some raised scars. My eyes fell on what had once been the deepest gashes just under my palm.
I bit my lip as I brought the razor to the scars just below my elbow and trailed it over it. I didn't wince at the pain, it felt good... It felt like I was stuffed, like I was suffocating and the little cut somehow helped let everything out, like I was a bottle of soda that had been shaken and this little cut was a twist of the cap letting the gas out... I watched as the blood slid around my arm going from warm to cold as it did until it dripped onto the dark fabric of my jeans.
I coughed as I repeated the process a few more times watching the blood drip onto my pants.
****A/N ~ Bloody part's over****
I wasn't sure whether it helped or not because I still felt terrible, though slightly more numb, when I finished before I got into the shower and cleaned myself up.
After wrapping my arm in some bandage, I pulled on a grey jersey. I wasn't going anywhere so I would not need a hooded jacket.
I then proceeded to clean the house and my mother and Gerald in their room where they were passed out in bed. I hoped they stayed that way the rest of the day, but like always, my hopes were not what I got.
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