"I think she's just having a hard time adjusting," Kai defends Devon's actions. "She hasn't seemed like herself since the move."
Mason, Clover, and I are all hanging out in Kai's den. It's strange to be all together without Devon around, though none of us bring light to the topic. It doesn't seem to matter that Devon's presence is lacking, considering she's all we're talking about.
I've just finished filling my friends in on the fight Devon and I had last night–though Mason didn't need much details on the story. She'd been over at my house when Devon called me out of the blue, abruptly ending our talk when she'd noticed Sloane was over at my house, so she had witnessed Devon's anger firsthand. On top of our argument, it seems that Devon has yet to even tell her roommate about me–a fact that irks me in ways I can't quite describe. I don't see why Devon would keep me a secret, especially when she's the one who taught me how to find freedom in being myself, out and proud.
Mason crosses her arms over her chest from her seat next to me on the couch. I don't think I've ever seen her so visibly angered before, though her hazel eyes are full of contempt as she releases a humorless chuckle. "I'm sorry, but that's not an excuse for how she's been treating Hadley."
I sit in defeated silence. Devon and I don't fight, and all of this drama is taking a negative toll on me. The tension between Devon and I has rippled into our friend group–everyone mindlessly taking sides.
"I'm not saying it does," Kai retorts. "All I'm saying is we should be mindful of the fact that she's going through a hard time."
Mason narrows her eyes. "Or we could call her out on her bullshit? I'm not going to placate her behavior. She made the decision to move. She can't take it out on us if she regrets that."
"I just think–"
Mason doesn't give Kai a chance to finish his sentence. She interrupts him by tilting her head to the side and snapping, "Are we just going to forget the fact that Devon didn't even tell us that she was going to move?" Mason gestures from herself to Clover and I, clearly frustrated. "I mean, we're the ones who should be mad at her for keeping something so huge a secret! Yet we let it go and moved on. I don't understand what her issue is."
Kai and Mason glare at one another, practically seething. I share a glance with Clover. There's obvious tension between the two–they're masking their anger behind what's going on between Devon and I, but I suspect their disagreement is more personal.
Maybe Kai and Mason really were hooking up.
"Can we just agree to see both perspectives?" Clover questions. "Devon is going through massive change, and she's being an asshole. That's the truth, plain and simple."
"Her roommate is gay," I blurt out of nowhere. I don't even know why I bother mentioning this insignificant information. It hadn't even been on my mind, really. Merely floating around in the back of my brain somewhere. "Or . . . into girls. Queer, I guess. I don't know."
Clover and Mason raise their eyebrows.
"Well, shit," Clover mutters.
Kai furrows his eyebrows. "What's that matter?"
"I guess it doesn't," I admit. "But they're always together and . . . I don't know. Yesterday when we were arguing, Devon's roommate interrupted us and she didn't even know who I was. I guess Devon never told her about me? And I was crying, and the second she showed up, Devon just . . . hung up. She didn't even tell me bye." My voice breaks. I choke back tears.
I guess I hadn't realized how much it had hurt me until now, finding out that Devon has been keeping me a secret. It's like she moves across the country, and suddenly everything is different. The only person she's kept much contact with these last few weeks is Kai. She acts indifferent when we talk–or I feel as if she does, at least. And then I learn that she's met all these new people, and has yet to mention she has a girlfriend? Not even to her roommate–the girl she's been living with.
Do I even matter to her anymore? Or am I someone disposable, who can easily be replaced and left in the past?
I swallow down the lump forming in my throat, blinking back hot tears.
Mason pulls me into her as if she can sense my sadness, though her gaze is trained intently on Kai. "How are you going to defend that?"
Kai runs a hand through his hair exasperatedly. "I'm not. Hadley . . . I'm sorry."
"I'm sure it's nothing," Clover reassures me. "Don't stress yourself out."
"I just don't see this ending well," I admit weakly. It's hard, voicing your worst fears. I'm afraid to speak my worries into existence, as if merely confessing to my paranoia will turn it to reality. "Nothing has been the same since she left."
"Nothing is ever going to be the same again," Kai points out softly. "I guess it's time we come to terms with that."
I think over his words for a moment. Change is inevitable, I'm all too aware of the fact.
But that doesn't mean I have to like it.
· · ─────── ·𖥸· ─────── · ·
I try to focus on the task at hand–the project I'm working on with Sloane–though I can't keep my mind from wandering.
Sloane is not oblivious to my struggle. I notice her glancing at me out of the corner of her eye as we sit in the school library, catching me in the act of neglecting to complete my assigned job.
She allows me a few moments of peace before finally giving in, closing the textbook she's been reading over and awarding me her undivided attention as she asks, "What's wrong?"
I gaze up at her with wide eyes, feigning innocence. "Nothing!" I chirp too quickly. "Why do you ask?"
It's a stupid question. I couldn't make it more obvious that something is bothering me, with my shifty eyes and tapping fingertips. I can't seem to keep still.
Sloane shoots me a get real stare, furrowing her dark eyebrows. "You always do that when you're upset," she points out, gesturing to my nails as they drum against the tabletop.
I lift my eyebrows in a moment of shock. I'd almost forgotten that Sloane knows these intimate details about me. Once upon a time, she was the one person in the world who knew me best. It's crazy to believe that to be true, considering she now feels almost like a stranger. A stranger who knows all of my quirks and secrets.
I purse my lips thoughtfully. I'm prepared to spout some lie, to dismiss Slaone's question and return to studying. Yet something stops me from doing so.
I'm sighing before I know it, blurting without thinking, "Devon and I have been fighting."
Sloane takes in this information wordlessly. Her hazel eyes don't stray from mine, though her features pinch tightly as some sort of realization seems to dawn on her.
"About me." Sloane doesn't bother phrasing the words as a question. She declares them with finality, as if she's already certain of the truth.
I rush to shake my head. "No, not–"
"You don't have to lie," she mumbles. Sloane straightens awkwardly in her seat, hiding her face behind strands of unruly chestnut hair. "I could tell she was upset the other day, when I was with you."
I'm unsure of what to say. It seems I am always getting myself into these sort of situations. I never know when to keep my mouth shut.
I stammer out an excuse. "I mean, yeah, she was a little upset. But–"
Sloane hides her face behind her hands as her cheeks tinge pink. "I didn't mean to cause any issues," she says quietly. She appears genuine, flustered and shy. "I'm so sorry."
A twinge of guilt stabs my heart. I frown as I study Sloane, taking in her embarrassed expression. Her blush makes her freckles all the more evident, bringing out the multi-colored flecks in her iridescent eyes.
"It's not your fault," I'm quick to clarify. "We were partnered for a project. So what? Besides, you're my neighbor. I can't just avoid you. And I don't want to avoid you. Devon and I have our own issues. I think she's just using you as an excuse to release some misdirected anger."
Sloane relaxes slightly, though I can tell she's still uncomfortable. I try to place myself in her shoes for a moment. It's got to be tough, all that she's had to go through since moving back to town. I've put her through enough embarrassing scenarios by now. I don't want to continue hurting her.
Not when she used to be everything to me, once upon a time.
I clear my throat. I know I'll come to regret what I'm about to do next, yet I don't stop myself.
"Devon's roommate likes girls," I mutter, instantly blushing as I do. "And they seem like pretty good friends. Not that it matters or anything. But–um . . . Well, while Devon and I were arguing, her roommate came over while we were on the phone. And she asked Devon who I was. Like Devon hasn't even mentioned me to her. And she's been living in California for over a month now."
Sloane raises her eyebrows as I relay this information to her. She leans back in her seat, expression as taken aback as I felt when I first learned Devon–for whatever reason–never told Audrey about me.
"Damn," Sloane exhales in a breath. She holds my gaze with pity, as if she genuinely understands my pain. "Hadley, that . . . that sucks. I'm sorry . . ."
Sloane's acknowledgement of the frustration the situation brings me makes me feel slightly better. It's almost nice, having someone to confide in about this detail that has been on my mind lately. I mean, I love my friends to death, but it's hard to feel comfortable venting to them about Devon. After all, they're all Devon's friends as well.
But Sloane . . . she's mine, as messed up as the thought is. She doesn't know Devon–not like my friends do. Sloane knows me. She knew the Hadley that existed before I became merely the second half of "Hadley and Devon". She knew all of my secrets first; she was my safe space before I had anyone else to find comfort in.
As much as I hate to admit it, I miss Sloane. I miss having a friend that was just mine–someone who liked me for simply being Hadley alone. I suppose I hadn't quite realized how much of my life revolved around Devon until she was gone.
"It's driving me crazy," I admit in a moment of weakness. "I don't know if I'm over reacting and it's really nothing, or if I have the right to even be upset . . . And I don't want to be that girl, but I sort of stalked her roommate's social media. And she's beautiful, and everything I'm not and . . ." I trail off, shaking my head as I exhale a humorless laugh. "I guess I'm just worried."
Sloane stares at me as if I've gone mad. "You have no reason to be worried," she reassures me gently. "Hadley . . . you're amazing. Devon would be crazy if she thought anyone could ever replace you. You're one of a kind. And even if her roommate is into girls too, I'm sure it doesn't mean anything. Maybe Devon has her reasons for having yet to mention you? I mean, I'm totally on your side. I agree that's weird. But don't put yourself down. You don't deserve to feel less than anyone."
I can't ward off the smile tugging at the corners of my lips. "Thank you," I manage to choke out faintly. "That . . . that means a lot, Sloane."
Sloane grins shamelessly. "Hey, what are friends for?"
I study Sloane critically as I share her smile. Friends, I think to myself. Maybe having Sloane around isn't such a bad thing, after all.
———
a/n: sure hads... friends 👀