Leo honked at me from inside his car at exactly 8.30 am.
All the time before that, I was in my room, afraid to disturb Aiden with my presence.
Due to worries, lack of sleep and lack of breakfast, my face has taken on an unhealthy look again, and black clothes further enhance the frightening effect.
Not knowing what hairstyle is considered appropriate in such situations, I just collect my hair in a ponytail.
My hands are shaking, so it doesn't work out neatly and I have to redo it several times, which makes me growl with displeasure – now, it seems, any little thing that gets out of control is annoying.
In fact, I know the answer is that I'm terribly nervous. I'm surrounded by fear, to the point of chills, to nausea. The only thing that helps not to give up is understanding that I need to support Aiden. I'm doing this for him.
My cheeks are feverishly flushed, and my hands are freezing cold.
I don't know how it can be combined, but it's clear that something is wrong.
When I hear the car horn and make sure, looking out the window, that it's Leo, I immediately grab my purse, which I actually don't really need, it's just to put the house key somewhere, and head for the stairs at a brisk pace.
Just the sight of the steps makes me dizzy.
Is this nightmarish madness going to be repeated over and over again?
I slow down and start to descend, holding tight to the railing.
Leo doesn't signal again, so there's no reason to be nervous that we're late.
Finally, going downstairs and heading to the door, I take a deep breath and go outside.
Still shaking hands make a simple task for me - locking with a key - a challenge.
When, after several unsuccessful attempts, I straighten up, raising my head and collecting my thoughts, someone's warm palm touches my icy one and releases the key from it.
"Let me help," Leo's voice is heard, and I direct a grateful look at him.
What a blessing he is with me now.
In the car, I realize that I don't know where we are going.
"And where will the ceremony take place?" I ask quietly.
"At Grace's flower shop. Aiden decided that many people know his grandmother by her activities, so it would be logical. And he also wanted her to be surrounded by a lot of flowers that she loved so much."
I involuntarily turn away, wanting to catch my eyes on something that can distract at least for a while.
On the sidewalk a little ahead of us is a girl with a ball as yellow as the Sun, next to her mother.
When we catch up with them, I see how joyfully they smile - their faces are illuminated with happiness.
At this moment, for the first time in my life, I catch myself thinking that my heart is enveloped by envy.
Yes, I envy them.
This is not evil black envy, when you want to deprive someone of the object of their happiness.
My envy is bright, wishing only good, but constantly asking "When is our turn? When will the shackles of sorrow and despair fall from us? When will we finally be able to live and not survive? When, going to bed, we will look forward to the moment of awakening, and not think, Well, here's another meaningless day, wanting to fall asleep again as soon as possible to find ourselves in the realm of dreams, where life is easier and better?"
This girl and her mother reminded me that life goes on.
It's so strange, as if two realities collided – I'm going to say goodbye to one life watching the triumph of the other.
The realization of the transience of human existence gives painfully to my heart, squeezes it in fear and uncertainty, makes me wonder why we appear on Earth at all.
"What are you even for?"
These words of my mother, popping up in my head at the wrong time, cover me with a new avalanche of emotions.
It feels like my mind is deliberately dumping all the problems and worries like lethal bombs, but I won't let it torment me either – it's enough that I have to go through now and what I will have to go through in the near future.
I close my eyes and begin to gently rub my temples, as if to banish uninvited thoughts.
"Vivian, are you all right? Do you want me to take you home?" sounds Leo's anxious question.
I take a breath in and out before looking at him. "It's okay, I was just trying to get rid of the voices in my head."
He probably thinks I'm going crazy.
"That's right, get rid of them before they get rid of you. Look at how those things are still devouring Aiden. How much shit he did, pushed by them," the guy sadly states.
When we have almost reached our destination, Leo notices that he has nowhere to park his car because of the huge number of people who want to say goodbye to Grace.
"We'll have to walk a little"
"It's okay," I assure him.
While we are heading to the shop, I make a decision at all costs not to look at people's faces and not to look at anything at all, so that it doesn't haunt me later at night.
I know my heart and I know what will make it suffer.
The only thing I don't know is what to expect.
I have no idea how such ceremonies go, what the rules are, what I need or don't need to do.
Hence the second solution comes out – to stand as far away as possible, to be inconspicuous, so as not to spoil anything.
Leo has to push himself and me at the entrance because of the pandemonium.
He goes straight to Aiden, probably expecting me to follow him.
My mistake is to follow him with my eyes.
Right in the middle I notice a coffin standing on a pedestal of flowers.
It's probably inappropriate to think so, but it looks very beautiful.
Frighteningly beautiful.
Aiden is standing not far from there.
I lower my eyes so quickly that I don't notice if he sees me.
In any case, I don't belong next to him – I'm nobody for this family.
My idea of not looking up turns out to be practically meaningless.
Tears, lamentations, screams have no less effect on me than the fate of an eyewitness.
During the service, I try to abstract myself in every possible way, closing my eyes.
The tension makes me feel sick, I feel my cheeks burning.
And I also feel someone's eyes on me and I know exactly who they belong to.
Sometimes I also sneak a glance at Aiden to determine how he is.
His face is haggard, large dark circles have appeared around his eyes, which are empty and dull.
I tell myself that I have no right to fall apart, because it's much harder for him now, so I try my best to stay strong.
I don't know how this is possible, but it's as if the pain of several dozen more people was transmitted to me wirelessly, as if mine alone is not enough.
I absorb the feelings of people around me like a sponge.
It gets to the point that I feel some pain in the heart area, and this makes me panic.
As soon as everything says the service is over, I immediately run outside to get a breath of fresh air.
Leo somehow finds me in the crowd, gently takes my hand and leads me to the car.
"Now everyone will go to the cemetery...I would advise you to go home. I'll give you a ride," he kindly offers.
I want so much not to torture myself anymore and say Yes, but...
"No, I want to be present wherever it's supposed to be."
Thus, I find myself in a cemetery, and then in a cafe completely rented by Aiden, where Grace's closest friends and colleagues gather to honor her memory.
I want to admit that I stood in the cemetery almost all the time, cowardly burying my face in Leo's shoulder.
My legs were giving way, and nausea was coming.
All this time, I was thinking back to the fact that Aiden had been through this nightmare several times in his twenty-five years, and that today he was burying the last member of his family...
Even in the most heartbreaking moments, I hold back tears.
Aiden isn't crying, there's only tragic fatigue on his face, and who am I to grieve more than him?
In the cafe, people remember what a wonderful person Grace was, tell stories about her, many women cry bitterly.
It's impossible not to feel how much she is loved.
Was loved.
No, they still love her – it's unlikely that love for a person dies along with a body.
I'm sitting at the farthest table against the wall, glancing at Aiden from time to time.
All day I feel his eyes on me and understand that he's worried.
Maybe it's just out of habit.
I'm distracted from my thoughts by a plate of food appearing in front of me.
I look up and see Leo smiling with the corners of his lips.
"You need to eat – you're as white as a bedsheet."
"I don't want to. I can't..."
"Aiden asks you to eat at least something so as not to lose consciousness," my friend doesn't let up.
I can't help but smile back, "Did he eat himself?"
I don't need to hear the answer, because I already know it.
"Yeah, apparently, I'll have to take both of you to the hospital later," Leo grumbles with displeasure, but I'm sure that he himself didn't sleep or eat, like us.
"You are the best," I manage to say and squeeze out a shadow of a smile.
The guy looks at me sadly for a couple of seconds, then gets up from the table and leaves.
I don't notice where, because I'm lost in my thoughts again, looking at the floor, then at the table.
***
I think I got numb in the cafe.
There is no pain, no fear, no tears – nothing at all.
I feel empty.
Leo is driving me home again. He said that Aiden still had a few things to finish – including paying off everyone for services rendered.
I can't even imagine how much money he spent on the whole arrangement...
After saying goodbye to my friend and entering the house, I turn on the light, sloppily take off my shoes and immediately rush to the stairs to get to the bathroom.
I need to recover, and water always helps to wash away all the bad things – from my body and from my mind.
I'm so impatient to be under the life-giving liquid that I pull the scrunchie from my hair, unbutton my dress right on the go, get out of it and leave it lying on the tiled floor.
I don't even bother to pay attention to the underwear – I take a shower in it.
It's such an insignificant trifle now.
My body refuses to react to the cold water running at first.
I just don't care – I overfelt.
There is no strength for anything – not for the slightest movement, not for the simplest emotion.
I close my eyes and the whole day flashes before me. Crying is heard again, mourning faces are seen again, again I try to catch at least a spark of life in Aiden's eyes, again I struggle with the idea that everything that happened is my fault...
I don't know how long I've been in this state when I suddenly feel someone's presence behind me.
Arms wrap around my waist and pull me to their owner for a millimeter of a step – so that we still remain under water.
I don't have to turn around to know it's Aiden.
His shirt and trousers getting wet - I can feel it with my bare skin.
Without opening my eyes, I fold my palms over his.
It's hard for me to understand how, with such grief, he still cares about my wellbeing. But I must admit that it's this thought that pushes all the others out of my head.
We just stand there in silence, breathing in unison.
I want to say something to him, to express my condolences, to assure him that everything will be fine, but I can't utter a word.
I became numb, became a motionless and soulless statue.
If it wasn't for the sound of falling water, it would definitely seem to me that I was losing all my senses.
"Vivian, the water has been cold for a long time, you may get sick," Aiden's barely discernible voice sounds worried.
I give zero reaction.
I'm in emotional hibernation, quietly mourning the loss of my former self.
Suddenly, warmth spreads over my skin.
When I finally open my eyes, I notice that Aiden is holding my hand and gently turns me around to face him.
A huge soft towel instantly appears on my shoulders, reaching all the way to my knees.
I slowly raise my gaze to look at the guy.
He's all wet. I wonder how long he stood with me under the ice shower?
His eyes are the color of strong black tea.
They alone are enough to melt the snowy shell of indifference that has formed around me.
My mind and movements are still slow, but that doesn't stop me from hugging Aiden.
He picks up the falling towel and covers my cold body with it again.
In my mind, I'm squeezing the guy as tightly as possible for a human being – in reality, he probably barely feels my touch.
My cheek is buried in the wet fabric of Aiden's black shirt, and realizing that he must be cold right now, I clumsily grab the edges of the towel and wrap them around the guy as best I can.
I'm so sorry this is all the warmth I'm able to give him now.
When my feet leave the ground, an alarming thought runs through my head that I lost consciousness.
Opening my eyes with difficulty, I see Aiden carrying me in his arms, most likely to my room.
I don't know whether exhaustion, or relief from the fact that he is near and cares about me, indulge the brain's urges to go to sleep, but I can no longer keep my eyes open and fall into the realm of Morpheus.