A/N: Welcome to the longest chapter in my upload history. Haha.
Happy Eastern everyone!
I don't have a bunny for you but I have my cat Bubbles, who needs to make an appearance because @FuzzyFowl needs to see her. 🤧😂
So that's her, watching me draw a picture of Lana.
And that's the finished drawing for anyone who cares. Haha. (I am not a professional, I am completely self taught; I am well aware that it's not perfect.)
Alriiiight. Let's start. Hope you will like that chapter! 🙊😁
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"Lana? Sweetheart…", Sean said, trying to get the attention of his girlfriend, who was completely lost in her thoughts whilst cleaning the kitchen of their house. He just chuckled a little, before grabbing her waist from behind, placing a soft kiss on her neck. "What's bordering you? Is it still Fred?", he asked and only got a little nod from her as an answer.
"That was nearly a week ago, darling. Don't you think it's time to forget about it? Your stepsons are on your side and who cares what Fred said. He was even lying to his own children.", Sean said, not understanding why that short conversation hit Lana as hard as it did. A lot has happened since then. Flynn and Leo started school here in Vancouver, Amélie was in nursery school for a few hours a day to get used to it… but all of those milestones didn't help Lana to forget about the meeting with her ex-husband that was very much present in her head. Sean had noticed how averted she was towards him. She wiggled out of his arms more often, did rarely cuddle at night time, and even stopped kissing him at appropriate moments. He felt like a ghost that wasn't really there since she was looking right through him instead of at him. He knew that she hadn't slept well, everyone could clearly tell by the dark eyebags she had. It worried Sean not to know what was going on in his girlfriend's mind and he thought if he gave her time, she would recover, but it was just getting too much now. There must have been something that shook her up.
"The problem is that Fred is right.", Lana said coldly. "I worked too much and didn't take enough time for him or my family in general. I should have been more present
.. More… aware…", she summed up her thoughts, looking down to the ground, searching for comfort in the tiles. Her head was so empty and full at the same time that it overwhelmed her. She heard Fred's words in his mind like an echo that followed her everywhere she was going, even in her sleep. "You have no idea what she took from me". Fred's words were clear and aggressively circling inside of her head.
"Lana… that's normal. Sure we had longer working hours but he knew that you were an actress from the beginning on. He knew what that meant and he knew better than all how passionate you are….", Sean said, trying to find her eyes but when he was finally able to look at them he was looking into nothingness. The bright usual shine was gone, replaced by a mix of emotions he couldn't tell apart. It was like looking at a blank sheet of paper, so pure and innocent but not meaningful. "Something else happened…", he figured calmly, looking at her frowning. He took her hand in his, giving it a soft squeeze to encourage her to talk about it. Whatever it might be that was hunting her from day to day since they had faced her former husband.
"I… there is a part of Fred and my story that I never told anyone. It's a part where… I failed. Completely…", Lana said with tears forming in her eyes. Her voice died along the way, when her feelings went up and down in no time, sending her on a rollercoaster of emotions. She didn't have much control of her body left, when the memories that she tried so desperately to forget searched their way through her mind, causing her to tense up and shake uncontrollably.
Sean immediately noticed the sudden change, placing his hands on each side of her shoulder to keep her steady. "It's alright. You don't have to tell me if it is too hard to talk about.", he said gently but Lana shook her head, willing to talk about what had happened with someone outside of her own mind. To share her thoughts and maybe pain, to make him understand and to get it off her head.
"I… I actually was… pregnant… once.", she said in a broken voice, swallowing to concentrate on the words that needed to come out of her mouth after this sentence. "And… I… I lost it."
Her voice wasn't more than a whisper, which went quieter and quieter during the words since it was still hard for her to even think back at that time. It wasn't only the baby she lost, it was also a piece of herself that broke that day, which healed only slowly. She knew that Fred wasn't just talking about her, never having time. Deep down in his anger was way more than that. He blamed her. He blamed her for everything that had happened, for the loss and the pain both of them had. It had pushed them apart from each other like nothing they had ever faced before, leaving a tiny hole in each heart.
Sean's mouth stood open by now when he tried to think out how to calm his girlfriend down and how to stand by her side.
"He… he is blaming me for the miscarriage because I was so busy that I didn't even notice that I was pregnant. I had no idea until the day I lost it.", she cried out, burying her face in Sean's shirt. Her sound of crying was horrible. It wasn't a simple sobbing, it was grief. Grief that hadn't been processed. Tears were running freely over her cheeks, whilst the loud and painful sounds of devastating agony were showing themselves after being buried deep down in her body for such a long time. Her hands desperately searched for something to hold on to, when the feeling of torment inflamed inside of her. A feeling that came with psychological pain that hit Lana as it was hurting her in any physical way.
Sean saw her troubles, pulled her closer to him within an instant to give her the support she needed. He could feel through his grip how weak she was right now, how tired of fighting against the feeling of failing. Softly he tightened his embrace, trying to contain the anger he had toward the man who had actually blamed his wife for something that wasn't her fault at all.
"Whatever Fred said, Lana. Losing a baby is NEVER the fault of the woman who carried it.", he started with a long sigh at the end of his sentence. Seeing her upset and fragile like that made even his eyes teary. "Unfortunately, it is a natural process that can happen and I am more than sorry that you experienced it. You need to know that a lot of people are troubled by that and that it's not you, who is to blame. A miscarriage is not your fault.", Sean said clearly and slowly, trying to fix everything Lana's ex-husband had destroyed inside of his girlfriend's mind by overlaying Fred's words with his own.
"But what kind of person am I that I don't even realize that I was pregnant, Sean??", Lana yelled, all of the sudden pushing away from him, to look at her boyfriend with all the anger she had for herself. Her voice was a mixture of screaming and crying, that's why it broke several times when she was trying to yell out the pain that was locked in her body. "I didn't figure it out!! I was still wearing those extremely tight corsets at Once, and was under stress most of the time. I drank alcohol and even smoked weed occasionally, I did sports, ate unhealthy crap, was drinking coffee like a crazy person, I even did my own stunts at Once!! … after all this it must have been my fault!", she screamed under tears, before punching her fists onto the kitchen counter, before burying her face with them.
Sean reacted quickly, going behind her and securing her hands, so she would not hurt herself any further. He had never seen Lana like that and it feared him to approach her the wrong way since he didn't want to make it anyhow worse. He tried to think of words that would calm her but his girlfriend was again faster than him, talking more with herself. "It's not just Fred that blames me… it's myself as well. It could have survived!", Lana yelled in rage.
"We don't know that, Sweetheart. We will never know...and it is wrong to blame anyone. Especially you.", Sean finally said, drawing circles on her fists to calm her down. "Tanya was nine weeks pregnant when she found out about Amélie, just because she didn't really pay attention since we were not trying to have a baby at all. It's not always perfect, Lana. Not everyone realizes after one missed period, that's totally normal and no guy should ever argue against that because we simply don't know how it feels like.", Sean said calmly. "You didn't fail. Not at all… and I do understand that it hurts because it's your right to grief. It is like every other loss, even if you haven't met it.", he summed up.
"How far along were you?", he added after a short pause. He could feel how the tension lifted a little from her body, when she was all cupped by his own, which made her stop yelling and start speaking clearly again.
"A-around seven weeks I guess. Fred brought me to a doctor since I had bad camps that just didn't stop for hours… in addition to bleeding…", she confessed. "It hit me quite hard. The doctor told me that it's not always like that. A lot of women don't even realize when they have a miscarriage in the early stages...but even with that knowledge… it's just…unbearable", she started again, trying to express her feelings. "To know that I had the chance of being a biological mom. A chance I put at risk. It hurts so much that it feels like it's consuming me sometimes. Not all the time… just… on random occasions when it comes to my mind.", Lana confessed, before looking down again.
"That is how most of my troubles with Fred started. We became strangers afterward. I was drowning myself in work to make me forget, whilst he was doing the same with his successes. It pushed us apart like magnets do when you turn one the wrong way. He didn't want to sleep with me anymore… not even… touching me.", she explained before taking another deep breath.
"It had been roughly a year when Once ended and I thought that… maybe we would try to…love each other again. Maybe even giving it a second shot to have a child… but that's when I caught him cheating on me and you know the rest of the story…", Lana said in a small voice. "I ruined it. Everything. Even our marriage…", she started again but needed to take a big breath first, which Sean took as a pretext to cut in.
"Again. Whatever Fred said, it was the wrong way to approach it. He should have talked about his feelings properly as well because it really sounds like he didn't overcome his grief… like you didn't. You two should have been a team and not rivals and I am sorry that he put all the blame on you in the end.", Sean said, still stroking over her hands. "I can't make up for it, I cannot take away the pain or the feeling of that loss but I can hold you and tell you over and over again that what happened was nobody's fault.", Sean ended calmly, rocking a still quietly crying Lana in his arms. Even though he thought that all the words he was choosing didn't change the situation, he was hoping to calm down a little. And she did. She turned in his arms, gently placing her arms around his torso to feel the warmth of his body.
"Thank you for listening… it helped…", Lana whispered in a raspy voice, still glued to him, but gladly her tears were slowly dying and coming to an end.
"Always, darling.", he said and gave her a kiss on her forehead. "Should we finish cleaning or do you feel like a little bit of fresh air before picking up Amélie?", he smiled slightly, wiping away the last tears on her face.
The answer was pretty much clear because Lana hated unfinished tasks a lot, so they continued cleaning the kitchen until both walked down the street to Amélies nursery. It was a 30-minute walk but since it wasn't raining in Vancouver like it usually did, they decided to make good use of that time. Who knows when it will be dry the next time. Lana had Lola on her leash, whilst Sean was pushing the stroller until they had to leave both outside of the building.
"Look who's here, Amélie.", One of the supervisors said, pointing at the door frame where Lana and Sean were standing. Both of them had a big smile on their lips, watching their daughter play with another boy her age, completely lost in her world and not even bothering to look at them.
"Amélie? ", the supervisor again and got a reaction this time since the girl was turning her head in her direction. "Look who's here.", she added and now the girl understood, meeting the eyes of her parents.
"Nana!", she giggled, throwing away the toy apple she had in her hands before starting to run up to Lana. Her legs were still wobbly when she tried to walk fast and just too adorable to watch when she was balancing herself with reached-out hands. She made it without falling this time, getting picked up by the woman who gave her a simple kiss on the cheek and a soft squeeze. That was exactly what Lana needed after that kind of conversation with Sean. The love in Amélies eyes made her negative thoughts vanish in no time and even left a small smile on her lips.
"Someone seems happy to see her mommy and daddy again.", the blonde young woman said from inside the room with a giggle.
Lana's eyes opened up in embarrassment when she wanted to correct her about the title she gave her but Sean just looked at Lana with a sparkle in his eyes, lying his words over hers before she could even start. "It's alright.", he said to her with a grin, which made his girlfriend's smile even bigger.
"How did it go today?", Lana asked, turning to the supervisor again.
"Pretty well. She was happy most of the day, except around lunchtime but I think she was just tired. She was doing much better after her nap. We played a lot today and went outside since it wasn't raining for once. Unfortunately, she fell several times, that's why I changed her. Her other clothes are quite muddy.", the woman explained.
"That's alright. We will take care of it. I am so glad that she is adjusting. I think it's really important to be around kids her age.", Lana grinned, which Sean agreed to.
After they walked back home it was almost time to pick up the boys as well. Since their school was a bit further they had to take the car this time, getting first Leo and then Flynn. Both boys talked without any pause since everything was so new and exciting. They both found friends already, talked non-stop about their school projects and teachers. Sean and Lana couldn't be any happier about how well everything went with the change of schools. Sure Flynn and Leo did miss their friends in LA, but they knew that they would come back there eventually.
"Can we practice acting, Lana?", Leo asked, jumping outside of the car when they reached their driveway again. The little boy was more than thrilled about learning his lines and practicing. He wanted to be like his father so badly.
"Well what about me?", Sean asked who also had some scenes between himself and his children. Since the anniversary series was originally planned for last year, all of the scripts were already done and only a few changes will happen closer to the shooting days. Like that the boys could actually practice their characters, which was important for their first role.
"No, I wanna do the scene with Lana where I have to cry because it's hard.", Leo explained. He did fail the scene a couple of times, that's why he was so eager to try again and again.
"We can practice when all the homework is done.", Lana decided, getting an annoyed response from Flynn and Leo, who just wanted to act and not do their homework. They didn't have much to do though since they are both still young. For Leo it was coloring some letters of the alphabet whilst Flynn was doing some mathematics. It didn't consume a lot of time, so both boys were ready to practice pretty fastly.
"You sure you don't want to play or anything? Because it's late. When we practice now, you're not going to be able to play much, alright?", Lana asked.
"Yes, yes, yes!!", Leo said and Lana gave up to convince them otherwise. They all went to the living room, Sean included since they would need him for a different scene later on.
"Okay. So. What do we do first?", Lana asked grinning. She honestly liked to be kind of a tutor and share her knowledge even if she had to break it down for the children to understand properly. She had never taught anyone before, that's why she saw it as a chance to learn much about working with children, which will help her especially on set.
"We do the scene where I cry!", Leo said exactly.
"Mh… no…. That's not exactly where we start. What do we have to do before starting acting?", She asked, looking between Flynn and Leo.
"We need to breathe and we need to go into our character. Because I am not Flynn anymore. I am Theo on the show.", the oldest answered with a proud grin, since he knew. Lana nodded positively, sitting down with the boys and letting them tell her something about their character to let them know which role they have to be.
"Ehm…Theo is very clever and he learns how to shoot with bow and arrow.", Flynn grinned.
"Yeah. That's right. What do you think Theo is enjoying the most?", Lana answered. It was a simple practice for her, answering questions from her character's perspective but for kids, it was really hard.
"Ehm… Ehhh… I don't know?", Flynn asked.
"No worries. Make something up. When you think about the story we're telling and how Theo is behaving. Do you think he would enjoy… swimming for example?", She asked to give him a little hint.
"Ehh...no...no because he is scared of the water!", Flynn exclaimed. "But he likes to play. So maybe he enjoys playing football the most.", he figured and Lana showed him a proud grin of hers.
"That was a very good suggestion. I like that.", she said encouragingly.
They played that game 'what would my character do' for ten more minutes before doing some different techniques to warm up their voices, which Lana was actually specialized in. She trained her voice for ages now, giving some simple tips to the kids until they were ready to play their first scene. Since Leo was only four, turning five in a couple of days, he didn't have much to say. He was mostly playing in the background, cuddling or just being cute. The normal stuff you can expect from a child. That's why he liked the crying scene that much; He actually got to say something there.
Flynn, Sean and Amélie sat down on the sofa to watch Lana and Leo act out the scene, whilst Leo was sitting down, looking sad at his knee, trying desperately to cry which didn't work too well. "Action!", Flynn grinned.
"Mommy!!?", he screamed in character. As soon as the words left his mouth he managed to squeeze out some tears.
"What happened?", Lana asked as Regina and hurried to get to him. "Did you fall?", She asked and Leo nodded slightly. "That's alright, my little archer.", she chuckled and picked him up from the ground after checking on him.
"Mama, when will I be old enough to go with daddy and Roland in the woods?", he asked with the cutest smile on his face.
Lana put a hand on his cheek, grinning like a proud mom. "Hopefully not too soon. You're all growing up too fast.", she complained laughingly.
"But you still have Fee! She is smaller than me.", he suggested. "And you can have another baby in your tummy, right?", Leo asked.
Lana chuckled and knelt down to his height. "No more babies in this house. I think five children are enough and more than I ever could wish for.", she grinned.
"... Eh… eh…. I forgot what to say.", Leo said ashamedly, looking at Sean who had the script on his lap.
"It's simply 'But Henry is not a kid anymore.', then both of you chuckle and the scene ends.", Sean helped him and Leo repeated after him.
"And Cut!", Flynn laughed. He loved starting and ending scenes like a proper director would do.
"I liked it!", he confessed and jumped from the couch.
"Yeah it was well played.", Sean agreed. "Wanna do a scene where we are all together?", he asked and looked through the room, checking with everyone.
"Yeah, the one in the kitchen. But without the kissing, Papa!", Flynn said and pointed between Lana and Sean, who had to chuckle because of his words.
"Right. So Amélie is on my arm and you're in the living room before running to the kitchen. Do you still know your lines?", Sean asked and went in the meantime a few steps nearer the kitchen.
"Jap. Ready.", Flynn said whilst Lana actually had to read through the script again for a second. "Alright. We can start.", she confirmed, even though she left the script open for her to read in the worst case.
"Action!", Flynn yelled again and Lana started pretending to cook something in the kitchen when Sean walked up to her with Amélie on his hip.
"Regina…", he said, putting one hand on her shoulder to make her swirl around. "I think someone needs her mummy. She kept on asking for you.", he chuckled before speaking to Amélie. "Yeah. You wanna go to mama, right? She was way too long gone saving some people.", he grinned before giving Amélie to Lana.
The little girl looked at Lana with her big loving eyes, grinning when the woman took her. Of course, Amé had no idea that everything they did was just a rehearsal, how could she?
"Mama", she grinned before placing her head in the crook of Lana's neck. Since she had heard that term over the last few weeks more and more often, especially in nursery, she thought it was time to finally speak out the word everyone was using for her beloved 'Nana'.
Lana's eyes widened immediately in disbelief when the meaning of her babbling reached her ears and hit her like a soft slap that pulled her right into a different world. The woman's chin dropped to the floor, leaving her mouth open in shock when she moved Amélie from her hip. Lana looked between the baby and Sean back and forth, trying to wrap her mind around the situation. Her heart completely melted, just looking at that chubby little face that was staring right at her. It felt like her entire universe was snapping into balance, even though Lana wouldn't dare to even try to explain the actual feeling she had since no words could explain it with the justice it deserved.
There were so many emotions floating through her body that she needed a second to cope with them all. There was this inner warmth of what felt like a thousand suns. It started in her heart before exploding outwards, filling her whole body from the tip of her toes to the top of her head. Lana could swear that people would be able to see that kind of warmth when looking at her right now.
At the same time she was faced with pure fear. Irony, isn't it? Feeling fear in one of the most precious moments of her life but it was true. All of the sudden it was alternately boiling hot and freezing cold at the same time since this word brought a lot of responsibilities with it. Some she is gladly willing to face but that still left a bitter taste on her tongue. Will she be able to see her grow up? Will she have the chance to share her life with that family forever? Would she be fortunate enough to protect her from all the pain in this world? Will she be able to be the mom she needs? Will she be able to spend enough time with them in a way they all deserved so badly?
It was so damn hard to explain how all those feelings impacted her right now but in the end one feeling was stronger than all the other emotions she was faced with. It was that incredibly unique 'mom love' that she only felt with her step kids before. A love that couldn't be described since no one would understand how truly precious it was.
A wide warm smile found its way to Lana's lips when she held the little girl up in front of her face to have a closer look at her innocent looking features that were meant to spread love from her first second on. Lana's eyes got watery even though she tried to hold back her tears that were made from happiness. "What did you just say?", she asked quietly, still with a hint of disbelief in her voice whilst looking into the deep blue of the little girl's eyes, that sparkled at her like two little diamonds. She dreamed about being called that way for so long that it was hard to believe when it finally happened.
A smile crept up to Amé's face, giggling at Lana with an overjoyed impression.
"Mama", Amélie repeated.