From the driver's seat of his car, he watched Asha stare out the window with her arms locked in between her thighs. She softly hummed the lyrics to the music he had playing and hadn't spoken a word since he picked her up. They were headed to another dinner at Ruben's before going on their date at the bowling alley but he could see she wasn't necessarily in the mood for either. Either that or she simply had nothing to say to him.
"You want me to take you back home? You don't seem like you want to be with me right now," he asked as they came up on a red light. If her answer was yes he could easily get in the turning lane to turn around.
"We're here already," she shrugged without turning from the window. They were a light and a turn away from Ruben's house but he had no problem taking her back home if she was going to avoid speaking to him.
Ever since she confronted him at the facility a week ago she was up and down. One day they were normal, the next day she was either acting like she was too busy for him or she'd sit around him in silence. He was trying not to complain about it because he felt like he was still on thin ice with her, but he was getting very annoyed by it. He'd rather her express whatever it was raiding her mind than for her to sit quietly and make him wonder.
He watched her act like the car next to them was the most interesting piece of machine she's seen in all her days. When he looked away he had to pull at his goatee to keep from making any noise that would set her off. He didn't need them going to his dad's in the midst of arguing. He also didn't want to be there like they were as happy as they were the last dinner she'd attended.
"Hi!" Kahdija squealed, opening her arms to hug Asha who smiled for the first time that night, "Ooh what is that perfume? You smell amazing."
"It's Woman Cherry from Zara. I'm in love with your hair right now. Is it a twist out?"
"Flexi rods, actually," they walked inside the house to continue their conversation.
Sanchez entered, mumbling his greeting to Kahdija as he shut and locked the door behind him. Tus was sure to greet him by lifting his paws up which made him scoop him up and cradle him against his face for a little love. Tus lowly purred with his face rubbing up against Sanchez's cheek. At least someone's showing me some love tonight, he thought to himself.
He walked by the talking women to the kitchen where he knew his dad was whipping up dinner. Since it wasn't father and son night he wasn't supposed to be in the kitchen helping, but he wasn't going to join the ladies. This gave him a chance to ask his dad what he could do to settle the air between him and Asha. He didn't like the up and down moods nor the fact when she was in a mood like today, she only responded to his sexual advances. Not much else.
"There's my boy!" Ruben grinned, giving his son a hug, "You need to get this head retwisted."
"I'm not getting them retwisted until media day."
"Oh, that's coming up. So is Asha's graduation. What should I get her?" he made sure to whisper the latter to keep her from being overheard from where she sat, "I was thinking a lil money but that ain't really thoughtful."
"I don't think she'd mind money and a card. If you really don't want to do that get her a gift card from Zara or Ulta. She shops there the most."
"What you get her?"
"I wanted to take her to Seaworld since she wanted to go back in June but I know I can't. She don't really care for gifts, she likes going places. I did get the tickets tho with hopes she'd take one of her friends instead. I got her a charm bracelet too."
"Where you get all that money from?" Ruben playfully squinted.
"What you think I was doing with that money when I was coming and picking up something eat from you every night? I was putting it off to the side."
"Once you in the league you can take her where you want. Spring and summer will be much different than this."
His eyes went to Asha and he sighed, "Let's hope so."
"What's that?" Ruben quickly took note of the look on his son's face and turned the pots to low. He gestured for Sanchez to follow him out to the backyard, "Wassup?"
"I think she's getting ready to leave me in the dust," Sanchez admitted his fear as he stood with his arms folded. Ruben stared at him for him to explain, "You remember Nai from my senior year? The girl that—"
"Crashed into my damn mailbox, yeah."
Sanchez lightly chuckled, "Yeah, well, her and I ran into each other back and we cool again but Asha ain't feeling it. I can admit to entertaining a conversation that didn't need to be had which made Asha want everything to be cut. I didn't cut it tho. Nai's running my social media right now and so far she's doing well. It helped me get that brand deal I'm negotiating right now."
"Mm, that's how all this came about."
"Yeah, and I said something to D and Zeek about her that Asha got ahold to and it hurt her. She wanted to break up. I promised her that nothing's going on cause it's the truth but she's been wishy washy with me like she's checking out. I guess I done made one mistake too many."
"She doesn't look like she doesn't want to be here to me," Ruben glanced inside the house to see the women now at the table, laughing.
"Because she's talking to Kahdija and not me. She wouldn't even look at me in the car. She didn't smile until we got here. I didn't want to fuck this up yet here I am. I ain't think me and Nai being cool was a problem."
"After having a conversation that you said didn't need to be had and saying something abut the next woman that hurt her feelings? C'mon Noo. She knows you and Nai are doing business together or that y'all even still talking?"
"I never told her we weren't going to stop talking. I just let her know I'm not going there with Nai. I wouldn't cheat on Asha, Da. She should trust that I wouldn't."
"Maybe for her to do that she needs Nai out the picture. I ain't sayin you should have to cut ya friend now business partner off but obviously you and her made Bug uncomfortable. That's on you, Noo, meaning you gotta fix that. You don't ever let the next person make your woman feel like you can be taken from her. I know you wouldn't want some nigga that got you uneasy still around. I damn sholl wouldn't. That nigga woulda had to go or some heavy boundaries would have to be set."
"That's the thing tho, she's never even been around Nai. It's all messages so even if the boundary was set she wouldn't see it so how can she trust what I tell her if she not already?"
Ruben did a shoulder shrug, "Who said she's not already trusting your word? She's at the table ain't she? It looks like she's giving you the chance to get this shit right. She's threatened to leave already so you on your last leg, boy. You betta hop like a motherfucka to keep her if that's what you want."
"You not funny," Sanchez cracked a smile.
"I'm dead serious cause what y'all was saying or whatever you said about Nai had to be some crazy shit for her to want to leave you over it."
"Yeah...." he rubbed his neck, "But I was in a safe space, man. I was talking to the boys. That should've never been exposed."
"Just cause you disrespected her in private don't mean it wasn't still disrespect. Exposed or not. You should've kept that shit to yourself cause they can't help you repair your mess."
The back door slid open, "Mister chef, we're hungry. Do we have to cook the food ourselves?"
"Next time y'all will since you wanna rush me," Ruben walked up to Kahdija.
Sanchez slipped in the house after them and took a seat at the table beside Asha. He moved his chair over and rested his elbow on the table, bending his head down to be in her line of sight. She was in the middle of sending a text out to her mom. He lifted her curls from her face to get a better view of her face.
"Can I help you?" she softly asked before locking her phone and placing her phone between her thighs.
"How long are you gonna be mad at me? We're supposed to be going on a date after this and you not talking to me."
"Every time you've said something to me I've responded. How is that not talking to you? I, myself, just have nothing to really say to you."
"Then why are we here? I asked if you wanted to go back home and you said no." she didn't rebuttal, "I'm not tryna be like this with you, baby. Are we not moving on from last week?"
"I don't know. I don't even know how I'm supposed to."
The rest of dinner was awkward between Asha and Sanchez because as bad he wanted to be into the table's conversation, he was in his head. He had a gut feeling that he needed to prepare for Asha to walk away. The feeling got stronger by the day and though he was at fault for making rookie mistakes, he was scared of how it might affect him. He experienced it before his feelings were deeply involved and was down bad about it, therefore, he could only imagine what this time would feel like.
"So, I'm going home," Asha stated rather than asked once she noticed the route he was taking.
"I'm not going on a so-called date and sitting in silence like we're strangers. If you wanna break up forreal go ahead and snatch the bandaid, bruh. Don't torture me like this."
"Torture? No, torture is repeatedly hearing how your boyfriend wants to fuck someone else in your head. I remember asking you what made you feel like you had to have me in your life...was it about possession or just knowing that I wanted you? Do you remember what you said? You find comfort in my voice, you get excited to see my face or to see me calling you. My touch gave you chills...that's changed hasn't it?"
"No, all of that is the same."
"Tuh, it doesn't feel like it and the crazy part is not even a whole two months ago you said you'd fallen for me. Maybe that's what it is. You got scared again and decided to say fuck me and how I felt and just do what served you even if it hurt me? Cause I mean for someone to be in love with me you sure did make me feel stupid about your little girlfriend. If I could, If I could," she mocked and shook her head, "Who's stopping you since you obviously want another taste? Go ahead."
"Asha."
"Yes? Am I interpreting your message wrong?"
"Okay, maybe I shouldn't have said it but I'm never going to act on it. We're simply working today. She's running my social media and that's all it is."
"Not only do you want to have sex with her but you're breaking bread with her," she mumbled to herself, "Wow. Maybe I could have accepted that before seeing the message but honestly it only makes it worse for me. Do you not see how any of this could make me feel?"
"Attraction is—"
"Sanchez please don't say attraction is natural."
"Is it not? Again I should've kept it to myself but again no one was going to act on it. It's strictly business. Like I told you before I like her football takes and she obviously knows some things and has good people in her pocket because I'm already negotiating a deal."
She shook her head, "That wasn't what I asked you. But that alone tells me that you don't really care how it makes me feel. Go ahead and do whatever it is your heart desires but know that I'll do the same and go about my life. You say you not the last nigga but boy are y'all looking real similar."
He only sighed, squeezing the steering wheel though he was currently stopped at a light.
"I told you I was not comfortable with you befriending her again especially after the conversation y'all had. That was a boundary I set. If you didn't want to respect that boundary you should've voiced it but you didn't. You made me think we were on the same page about it just to still be friends with her because you're a grown man right? Well in doing that you disrespected me. You also disrespected me by saying you'd fuck her again if I wasn't in the picture. Well, I'm not so do what you want."
"Asha don't do that. It doesn't have to be that serious. We can work past this shit."
She shook her head with tears flowing down her cheeks, "I don't have anymore patience for it, Sanchez. I felt like I've begged you from the very beginning and we were doing good until this. I tried being just your friend, couldn't do it. We started dating and you were dismissive, we made it official and things were nice, beautiful even until you run into your past. I have a problem with it and you don't like that I have a problem with it so I'm in the wrong—"
"I never said you were wrong. You want me to stop talking to her then I will, alright? It's nothing."
"Why wasn't it nothing when I asked the first time!? It's nothing now that I want to leave you? Are you seriously that person?"
He hit the wheel, "Then what!? What do you want me to do!?"
"I want you to do nothing because I know I won't get over it. And she's in business with you? No. You obviously want her back in your life, and I can't have that."
"Asha don't say it again. Don't say you're done because that's bullshit, man."
"How is it bullshit? I've expressed my discomfort from the moment I knew what was going on. I was doing too much then—"
"When have I said you're doing too much? I've told you I rather you be expressive."
"Yeah, you say that but your dismissal says otherwise. You literally sucked your teeth when I came to you. You think I wanted to talk about her? No and I shouldn't have to but you were ready to walk off on me and not hear what I had to say. Had I not said I was done just as much as you were done talking, you would have never turned around. That's another issue."
He had nothing to say.
"You don't respect me and how I feel like you may believe you do. If you did, I wouldn't be dismissed. If you did, I wouldn't have been disrespected by you twice— to another woman and to your friends. You played in my face and labeled it as you being a grown man who can do what he wants. And you're right, you don't have to listen to me if you don't want to but respect is literally the bare minimum and you can't even do that."
"Okay," was all he could say to her.
"My patience and understanding has been run dry to the point I don't wanna do this anymore," she deeply sighed, "Not if it means allowing you to turn me back into who I used to be. I'm not. I'm done with it. I don't want to be with you anymore."
There was the packed punch he was waiting for and instead of arguing her feelings to save himself, he couldn't. He shut down as he now drove to her house on auto pilot from zoning out. If asked, he couldn't recall any of the street lights, stop signs, nothing. He wasn't there anymore and it was in attempt to keep his emotions from flowing over while she was still in the car. He needed to maintain.
But the second he reached the curb and shifted into park, he leaned his seat back and covered his face. He needed a moment to himself in order to drive himself home, because as bad as he wanted to blame himself for even taking a chance on love he couldn't. He loved Asha whether she still believed that or not. It was never his intention make her feel disrespected, he simply got caught up in his attraction to Chenai. He was never going to act on it and was benefiting from her skillsets. Now, he was being dumped like Sunday night trash and probably never looked at again.
Asha cleared her throat, "You can come get your things tomorrow or I can drop them off and get my stuff from your place...."
That added a sting to his pain. She was certain about her decision and he couldn't even muster up anger to be mad with her. He saw it coming all week.
"Sanchez?" she called.
"I heard you," he mumbled from underneath his shirt. He was hiding his tears from her.
There was more silence between them before he heard her door open and her get out. He waited a few seconds after she pushed the door shut to pull his shirt down. He watched her slowly walk toward the front door and even pause once she was underneath the arch of the doorway, but she never turned or looked back.
"Fuck," he tightly gripped the steering wheel once she made it inside the house.
After a night of throwing up her guts yet again, Asha sat on the edge of the tub waiting out the two minute timer. She wasn't feeling the best emotionally because she felt like she'd broken her own heart by breaking up with Sanchez. It was her way of being her own advocate and not allowing herself to be treated like a doormat for a second time. But she couldn't even muster up the courage to grab her things from his place and he hadn't shown up to get his either. It'd been over a week's time and she still wasn't sure she could face him.
"Oh my God, hurry up," she groaned, watching the seconds count down too slow for her rattled nerves.
"You're rushing for the results but what if you are pregnant? What are going to do?" Victoria asked, "I mean you don't even want to be with him anymore."
"Would you want to be with you him after something like that?"
"Old me would say no, but in love me wouldn't know honestly. I know that hurt because it gagged me when I saw it. I just...."
"I think you're doing what you believe needs to be done. We don't know the full ins and outs of y'all relationship so, if you saw that as the last straw then so be it. We shouldn't try and make her reconsider," Jema jumped in.
"I'm not trying to make her reconsider. Look Bug, I'm just saying because you've always said you'd never have a child with a man that's not your husband."
"I know," she rested her forehead in the palm of her hand, "But do I even want to deal with the aftermath of an abortion if I go that route. I don't think that's easy to get over."
"I don't think so either but it is an option. Especially because you're moving off wants right now. Chez didn't fully give you what you wanted from him, you dumped him. This isn't the lifestyle you want for yourself so it doesn't have to be. You can pick and choose based on what you want from your life."
"Can we see if she's actually pregnant first? I know this is stressing her out because it's making my stomach hurt," Jema stopped the conversation.
The timer on Asha's phone went off and she put her hands to her mouth, now nervous to even see what they said. She looked at the girls and they stared back at her.
"You want us to look?" Victoria asked, moving toward the sink where the two pregnancy test laid.
"Please," she lightly chewed on her acrylic like it wasn't a fresh set for her graduation ceremony. Both girls approached the counter and looked down then at one another, "They're positive...right?"
"GIRLS! It's graduation day!" the voice belonged to Victoria's mom and right behind it was Jema's mom, "Girls!"
"We still have twenty minutes before we need to leave so we'll keep them downstairs while you process, okay?" Jema quickly exited the room to avoid their moms from rushing upstairs.
Victoria gave Asha a hug, "Take your time but also remember today is your day so don't let it weigh too heavy on you. Not today at least."
Soon, Asha was in the bathroom by herself and far away from the haunting test. They were a confirmation to what she'd been feeling for the last two weeks and she was stuck. She couldn't fathom keeping the baby nor getting rid of it. It had her stuck between a rock and a hard place and while she wanted to push it to the back of her mind, the 3+ weeks beneath the words pregnant told her she had no time to be stuck.
There were only two incidents where a condom wasn't involved and pulling out had been tricky. Back in June and three weeks ago. She was pretty sure June was the 'lucky' incident and it wasn't funny but very funny how the two minute session led to a lifetime commitment. It made her scoff and laugh in disbelief.
She capped them and picked them up in the perfect timing, almost colliding with her dad when she stepped into the hallway. He gave her a bright smile with two oversized bouquets in his hand.
"Hey daddy," she softly smiled, "I get two bouquets?"
"This one is mine and this one came as we were pulling up. It's from Nooney. You want me to put them in your room?"
"Yes. Right over here," she pointed to her bedroom and eased in behind him to discreetly drop the tests in her purse.
She wasn't surprised that Sanchez sent flowers over because he'd been leaving her voicemails in the middle of the night. It was like he purposefully waited until he knew she was sleep to call her and talk to her voicemail. He was either talking about his day or telling her how much he wished they weren't where they were. He ended each one wishing her a good morning as if he knew she'd listen to them rather ignore them.
It be a blatant lie if she said they didn't make her miss him more and more each day, but the decision was for her. She had to keep reminding herself that because he wasn't the only one struggling with the fact they were no longer together. Each night she'd prefer being smothered or squeezed by his heavy weight than cuddling with a bear given to her by him. Throughout the day she wanted to shoot him a text and see how fall camp was going or if he wanted to come over and nap. It was hard and the fact he was trying to reconcile only made it harder.
"You excited to be a graduate? You coming back home now?" her dad fired off two questions.
Asha laughed, "Of course y'all want me to come back home. I'll think about it."
"That's enough for me," he put his arm around her, "I'm proud of you Dulabug. You've always put your best foot forward with school and now look at you. I'm kind of surprised you didn't double major or minor in anything."
"Because I knew better than to drive myself crazy. I don't love school that much," she scoffed.
"Let's go Ms. Mitchell. You have a stage to walk!" Sydnie entered the room with a smile similar to the one Ashton sported.
Thirty minutes later, her and the girls were in the respective seats with the rest of their fellow graduates awaiting their name. Since it was the summer ceremony it wasn't as large as winter and spring but it was a good number of them. The stands were also pretty filled with what seemed like all their entire families. It was only right. They were college graduates and that was pretty damn big. School wasn't for everyone yet they pushed through four or more years of extended education.
Like most ceremonies all applause and praise was supposed to be held to the very end, but no one listened. Each name called was followed by cheers and even the graduates were cheering knowing they weren't supposed to. It was a while before either of the girls name were called because the all were near the end of the alphabet, Victoria being the last, and Asha the first.
"Bachelors of Science in Public Relations, Advertising and Marketing, Asha Mitchell," her name was finally called.
She crossed the stage as the sound of her brothers and family screaming made her heart warm. She shook hands and smiled for a photo before she was on the other side and back to her seat. She shamelessly recorded Jema and Victoria make their way across the stage as graduates moments after her.
Once their tassels were turned and the arena filled with cheers and whistles, everyone made their way outside for more photos with their family. Asha immediately spotted her grandparents and ran over to give them hugs.
"My baby!" Grandma squeezed her and then pinched her cheeks full of excitement, "You look so beautiful."
"Thank you. Hey, Granddaddy,"
"Congratulations, baby," he groaned from his tight hold around her then gave her a kiss on the cheek.
"I hope you know I'm getting you stupid drunk tonight," Drew appeared from out of nowhere.
"Drewskiii," she excitedly embraced him. He laughed from her excitement before pulling back to capture a video of her in her cap and gown, "Step back for me. Yuhhh twin, that girl a college graduate now. You don't see her."
"Okay, okay. Other people want their shine too, Drew," her baby brothers Jeremiah and Elijah interrupted the moment for their hugs, "Congratulations Bug."
"Thank you, boys," she kissed their heads.
It took about ten minutes for everyone to be satisfied with their number of pictures and videos with/of Asha. One would think she'd be tired of smiling by then but she was actually happy to be around all of her family. They need how to make her smile and take her mind off of things.
"Alright, all the dads are running to the store to pick up some things for them grill and what not. Everyone's coming back to the house on request of Je's father so, be prepared. You drove yourself right?" Sydnie pulled Asha away from all the commotion to let her know what was going on. Asha nodded to the question, "Okay, we'll meet you back at the house. Be safe in all this traffic."
"I will."
She tapped her knuckles against the door and stood back to await an answer. The door swung open and from the look on Sanchez's face, she knew he wasn't expecting to see her. He practically froze in place as they both stared at each other until she stretched the box of his clothes and stuff toward him. He looked down at it like he didn't want it but after a short internal battle, he took it from her hands.
"I-I haven't packed your stuff," he scratched his head, seemingly ashamed that she had done so and he hadn't.
"That's fine, I can do it myself, if you don't mind," she stopped herself from stepping inside without his permission.
He moved aside to let her by and she walked into his room and was surprised to see it not in its usual condition. He normally kept his room spotless but he had clothes everywhere, his bed was disheveled, and both night stands were covered in empty water bottles. Oh wow, she thought to herself. She glanced back at him but his head was down as he leaned against his door frame. She was even more shocked when she saw one of her shirts coming from underneath his pillow. This was not what she expected to see from him.
"You have anything I can put it in? I thought you'd have it packed up already," she squatted down to the drawer that held her stuff.
He dumped the box she'd put his belonging in and handed the box over to her. She began removing all her products and the few clothes she had from the drawer. It wasn't too much to pack away so within a minute she was standing back up, sure to take her shirt from by his pillow.
"Okay...oh, here," she unlatched the chain from her neck, "I didn't want it to get tangled up in the box."
"I don't want it back. My reasoning still stands."
"Yeah, but it's yours and your mom gave this to you. Not me."
He let her sit the necklace in his palm then moved over to the closet and pulled a small gift bag from the top of his closet. He held it out to her.
"What is this?" she asked without looking inside.
"Your graduation gift and don't say nothing 'cause I already had it. Did you get the flowers?"
"Yeah," he only nodded, "Well, thank you. I, um...I-I do have to tell you something."
"What?"
She struggled to push the words out so she unzipped her purse and took one out. He immediately tensed up as soon as it was in his line of sight, "The test only says three or more weeks but I did the math on a baby app and I'm pretty sure I'm ten weeks."
He walked around her and sat on his bed in silence. She stood waiting for him to find the words to say something. All she needed was for him to say the wrong thing and her mind was made.
"How you feel?" weren't the words she expected him to utter.
"I'm not surprised and I'm not happy either. We're not even together anymore—"
"We could be."
"No," she shook her head, "All you have to do is say your piece and my decision will be made. I want to at least take what you want into consideration."
He peered up at her, "To be honest, I never wanted kids—"
"Okay, noted."
"Hold up," he quickly stopped her from walking out the room.
"Don't change your mind as an attempt to keep me in your life because that'll really upset me. Kids aren't a joke. They take very serious commitment. Much more than a relationship. You have to be accountable, patient, teaching, open minded, and willing to put their needs and feelings above yours. You think you can do that?"
"If you want to keep it I will play my part, Asha."
"Great," she turned for the door and walked out.
She was more than disappointed in how things were falling apart, but she knew the risk from the very beginning. He told her to her face that he wasn't a man of commitment and let him trick her into believing he was willing to let his ideology go. The second someone he was attracted to appeared he could give a damn how she felt. He also listened to her talk about her desire for kids in the future and never admitted to not wanting kids. It was all a joke.
She sat the gift bag he'd given her on the kitchen island and went out the door. He could keep whatever it was. As she pushed out the door for the stairs, she could hear him calling behind her but she didn't bother stopping. The feeling of stupidity was weighing heavy on her and if she didn't get away in time he could see her actually crying. Again.
"Leave it alone, Sanchez," she wiped her face dry and went down the stairs faster, quickly pushing out the exit door to the parking lot.
"Just hear me out," he finally stopped her in the middle of the parking lot, "You're right. I wasn't being considerate of how you felt and should've cut that shit once you said it. I'm sorry for that I'm sorry for even thinking it was cool to say what I said in the chat. It was bullshit whether and yeah, you have every right to be pissed and hurt about it, but please give me the chance to right my wrongs, baby. All I need is one more chance from you and I won't get it wrong. You're all I want, man. Nobody else. This shit is hurting."
"I told you my patience is gone. You're liable to breathe wrong and I'm ready to go. We don't deserve to be like that."
"I'll take that chance."
She shook her head, "I refuse to do it. If you don't respect anything else can you respect that?"
He heavily sighed, turning away. She watched him take a few deep breaths before asking, "What are you gonna about the baby?"
"I'm not keeping it. I'm not in the business of torturing anyone involved. You don't want kids, I don't want to be a single parent, and a child deserves two active, happy parents."
"I said I'd play my part."
"I just said I don't want to be a single parent. Maybe I'm just bitter about this failing but I don't believe you'd have the best teachings. Not right now at least. Maybe that's mean to say and I don't have it all figured out and together either but I know for a fact I want nothing but healthy love around my children."
He scoffed and shook his head, "Cool then."
She hadn't known she was holding her breath until he walked away and she finally exhaled. She ran her hand through her hair and rested her head against her car.
______
Q U E S T I O N S
1. any thoughts on the advice Ruben offered his son?
2. let me know how you felt about Asha breaking up with Chez? any way they could've moved past their issue?
3. what are your thoughts on Asha being pregnant and choosing the abortion route?
4. any predictions for the future? is this the end?