Serge:
Hauling myself up after the troubling hook-up I had with Alec, I leave the bar with doubt still clattering from my wretched heart.
I know, I should probably clarify to him my bothered state but yet I didn't. I don't really know how I could explain any of it to him, and starting with "hey, sorry I'm just not feeling it. So can we stop?" definitely wouldn't help.
It's just so messed up and I couldn't help but feel guilty from the wrongness of leading him on.
Honestly, what is wrong with me?
Trying to erase the memory of it all, I head out of the hall and take my bike from its current placement. Driving off to our town's bridge.
It took me about ten minutes before I reached my destination, and when I did, I just let myself sit on its edge and indulge my body with sadness once again, as unknown feelings began rolling in.
Tears started falling from my eyes as I recall every single hurt of what just happened. It's not even about the hookup that gets me in the state of melancholy, but the reasoning behind it. I know I should just let all of my feelings fade away, but then again, with every face I see, lips I kiss, and laughs I hear, there's only one person that instantly comes to my mind. Damn it, I should stop feeling sorry for myself. Yeah I should. This is definitely temporary. Ideas like these doesn't stay at all. Even if it does, it will only get erased once the fault starts unravelling its ruins.
"Hogan, please!!!! Don't be a scaredy cat and come sit with me on the bridge" I complain, sending sharp eyes to Hogan. He wouldn't even try and step with me on the edge of the cross over.
"Nuh uh. Your feet are literally hanging out of there! There's no way I'll take a seat. I don't wanna die!" He says, crossing his arms as he stands in the middle of the highway.
"You're no fun" I reply to him.
He seems to be in full conclusion that he doesn't want to sit with me though, so I try to think of a way to convince him.
Standing up, I step even nearer to the bridge's tempting corner. "Bummer. Woah." I exclaim while trying to fake a slip while still holding the bridge's railing.
"Serge!" Hogan shouts, while he runs towards me and instantly pulls my shirt so I wouldn't fall.
I couldn't help but laugh at the shock that's currently evident in his features."Now that you're actually just inches away from the edge, could you sit with me now? Or do I also have to fake my own death?"
"Fine" he says, taking the space next to me. "Yeah. I mean...this is probably fine. Not having a total panic attack out here or anything" he continues.
"Chill dude, we're not gonna die. Even if we do, at least we have each other to blame in the underworld." I joke. It didn't seem to ease his feelings though, so I continue, "Try to look at the lights. That's what I always do whenever I'm scared."
He just nods and holds my hand. I couldn't help but feel comfort as he squeezed my given skin and intertwines our fingers, stroking his thumb within the brisk of mine. His eyes just gleams with content as sparks fly from it.
More drops of tears streams from my lids as my mind wanders through the history of the very spot that I'm sitting on. History that's toppled with every inch of Hogan in it. The times I could only reminisce and play again in my mind.
Everything about this bridge is covered with the souvenir of him. And trying to reclaim it only hurts so much more.
The place where we got to do every single thing, whenever we want to be alone. The place that we deemed to be just our very own. And the only place where we get to see every single glimpse of each other. Even with loud engines crawling beneath my ears, the world only seems to revolve around the sight of him.
"I still don't get why you're crying," I say to Hogan as I try to make sense of his seemingly damaged state. "And for a girl?"
"You don't get it" He grumbles. "I loved her so much. I just don't know what I did wrong, for her to not feel the same anymore," he answers, while trying to wipe away his ongoing tears.
"Dude....you're 14. Shut up" I try to hold off a laugh because the whole Idea of his reasoning just seems kind of dumb.
"She's my first girlfriend!" He counters. "You don't get a say since you don't even have crushes" Only if he knew who I can't keep my mind off.
"Fine. You can cry on me. And I promise you, about two or three days from now, you'll probably get over it and had already forgotten her name." I say.
He takes this time to bury his face even deeper into my shoulder and hugs me even tighter. I could easily feel the wetness of his tears marking my sweater. "I hope so. Ah, why does heartbreak sting so much? I freakin' hate it" he groans.
I don't really know how to answer that. So instead, I just try to say something to soothe his ache. "I mean...at least you tried to accept your feelings rather than hide from them, I guess. That's always better than not feeling anything at all"
He slightly jerks his head up to look at me with that glimmer sparkling in his eyes. At the sight of it, I was easily reminded of how hard it would be to run away from him. So instead, I just give him a simple smile until three silent words fall from my lips.
********************
Tip-toeing my way inside of our house, I try to be as stealthy as possible and be careful with my pace. It's quiet as soon as I open the door and I couldn't help but feel delighted from its silence.
I just continue in my heels as I head straight to the stairs and walk past our kitchen. But just as I was about to set foot on the steps, the light from our living room suddenly flicks on and I was welcomed with the sight of an angry woman crossing her arms. Fuck.
"Where have you been?" Mom asks. Even with her usual gentleness, she didn't keep any poise in her question.
I try to glance at her right to see a shadow looking at me with an arched brow.
My gaze just continues to shift their way back and forth from my mom to my stepdad, and I shrug off my answer while speaking in my typical cool. "I went to Haley's" I say.
She seems unimpressed by my answer though, and stares at me unconvinced. "Stop lying to me young man, I'm not buying your excuse," she warns.
I'm instantly stunned by her words, so I try to defend myself. "I'm not lying!" I say to her.
Not sure why, but I don't want them to know where I've been. And why the hell can't they just believe me for this to be over. "I've been at Haley's."
My mom just continues to give me another snare, and tries to interrogate me even more
"Be honest with me. Where were you?" she asks once again.
I couldn't help but just cover my lie even more, and maintain my cool, as try to answer, "I told you already, I've been at Haley's. And why do you even care where I go? I'm fucking seventeen," I say, trying to add more conflict to the argument.
"Watch your tone, Serge. You don't get to speak like that in my house!" She yells, with an evident warning that shows there's no way you're going to get out of this.
"Pfft" I scoff, fully aware of my annoyed state. I don't really care, because that saying is probably the stupidest rule anyone can counter.
To back up my mom, my stepdad offers. "Actually, your mom went to their house just about an hour ago." Funny how I call bullshit on that.
"And they said, 'You weren't even there!" Mom replies, with annoyance rattling within her tone.
I don't even know if I should continue defending my lie. So instead, I fake a smile at her and reply. "Then I guess, I should probably find a new place to be my excuse since Haley's not covering up what I'm doing anymore"
Thinking about what I just said, I didn't think it would send instant worry to my mom, yet it did.
As expected, her features suddenly changes from wrath into pure concern and shows somberness within her eyes.
I totally hate that I'm the one making her feel that way, but at the same time, I don't ever want her to feel bad about me at all.
My mom just walks towards the stairs and places her hand over mine. "Serge, honestly. what's happening? You spend most nights in, I don't know where and now this? Lying that you're at Haley's? I'm not even sure if I asked you enough are you okay's? for you to tell me if you need help" She says, sending sorrow as I let her words sink in.
"I'm fine. it's just that.... I don't want you to worry too much, okay?" I answer, as unbeknown tears starts falling from my eyes.
I'm not even sure if it's real, since it all came out so sudden.
"I only need some time alone with myself to know what's going on with me. But right now, I can promise you. I truly have no idea," I added, trying to keep my voice from breaking, but fails as I do so. Because just as I said before, I'm nowhere near good at confrontations.
She meets my eyes with a teary look and says. "I know you do, and I respect that. But I've also been talking to this psychiatrist and she already advised that you definitely need thera-"
"What? No." I immediately say, and try pull my hand away from under hers. "I would not attend any therapy." I answer back.
She just gives me an indignant look and continues to question my answer. I try to read the expression on her face, yet all I see in her features just screams seriousness.
I couldn't help but feel astonished in what she just said and continue to feel rage just from hearing it.
"What the fuck?" I say to her while sending sharp daggers in my eyes. "Is that really what you guys think of me, a damaged person? And therapy, really? God." I add, trying to make sense of it all.
"Look, Serge, I just think therapy would definitely ease what you're feeling, because right now, I don't know what else to do to help you" She says, trying to be careful with her words, yet it didn't stop my body to heat from anger.
"Then, don't fucking try to!" I exclaim. "If I want to ruin my life, it's my fault, not yours! I don't need any help. Damn It, mom." I bring my hand to my forehead, which is already furrowing.
My mind couldn't help but feel struck by her words because honestly, it's just fucked up for her to even think that I'll accept her solution. Why would she even suggest that? She knows that I hate talking about it, so why would she even mention anything at all.
All the thoughts in my mind are just lost and my body is nearly in the midst of exploding.
Feeling the need to end this conversation already, I head up to my room with loud steps and close the door.
I try to calm myself once I'm in and try not to panic. Even as I prepare my things, my mind still boggles at everything that just happened.
My feet just continues their way to my closet, and I gather three pairs of clothes, before going downstairs.
I didn't even try to glance at my mom, who is still in the living room, because right now, I'm nowhere near in the feel of talking. With slight annoyance still raging upon me, I continue in my steps and walk out of the entrance.
I know my mom will only pry me about it like she usually do. And since, I also don't want her to guilt trip me overnight, leaving the house momentarily is probably the better option.
Closing the door, I take my bike once again and head to Haley's.